The past few days have been a cavalcade of smack-you-in-the-face headaches. They start around noon, showing up just in time to kill my appetite for lunch (Noah ate cereal out of the box and several Kraft Singles for lunch on Monday, and I will not apologize) and then build into a full-on migraine within a few hours, meaning I spend the afternoon either in bed or in the bathroom with my temples pressed against the cool floor tile while I fight the stomach-churning dry heaves.
Poor HeatherB showed up on Monday in the thick of it, in an unfortunate clusterfuckery miscommunicated visit, and I literally sat there and mouth-breathed on her for 10 minutes before finally admitting that I needed to go back to bed before my skull cracked in two.
Then everyday Jason gets home and asks if I've taken anything, and I meekly reply that I tried some pregnancy-approved Tylenol, and then he rolls his eyes and chucks the bottle of Excedrin at my aching head, which actually makes it feel better, probably because of the precious non-pregnancy-approved aspirin and caffeine granules coating the bottle. Mmmm, osmosis.
Dear Quasimobryo: Mama doesn't WANT to pickle you and make you all wimpy and small, but you really need to knock this shit off.
HOWEVER. I MAY ALSO ACTUALLY BE SUPERWOMAN.
Because! Despite being 100% out of commission for the majority of the day, I am proud as punch to unveil SIX GODDAMN WEEKS' WORTH of content over at my newest venture over at Alpha Mom: Zero To Forty, a weekly pregnancy calendar. It's really meant to be one of those week-by-week newsletter things, only...not (as?) boring and full of warnings about how two doses of Excedrin are ALL IT TAKES to produce a child with webbed toes and a propensity for fire-breathing.
As the disclaimer in the sidebar reminds you, however: "The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional. Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide."
This is what well-researched looks like, by the way:
(Look at the crib leg! LOOK AT THE CRIB LEG! The crib! In the room! Where it will one day be reassembled once I remember where I put all the screws! And then I will put a BABY in there!)
New installments will be published every Wednesday, with occasional other pregnancy-related articles and diatribes going up...uh...occasionally. Because that's just the sort of profeshunal writer I are. In the meantime, you can start with the first entry here, and read up until Week Six.
(Please also to ooh and aah over the kickass banner and illustrations by Secret Agent Josephine, who I swear to God, whipped the entire thing together in less time than it takes me to draw a stick figure during a game of Pictionary.)
(It's 11:51 and I do not yet have a headache. Do I dream? Should I brush my teeth? Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach and maybe a pepperoni pizza?)