thump thump thump thump thump
When Enough is Enough is Enough

Because What I Really Need Is Another Outlet For All My Whining

The past few days have been a cavalcade of smack-you-in-the-face headaches. They start around noon, showing up just in time to kill my appetite for lunch (Noah ate cereal out of the box and several Kraft Singles for lunch on Monday, and I will not apologize) and then build into a full-on migraine within a few hours, meaning I spend the afternoon either in bed or in the bathroom with my temples pressed against the cool floor tile while I fight the stomach-churning dry heaves.

Poor HeatherB showed up on Monday in the thick of it, in an unfortunate clusterfuckery miscommunicated visit, and I literally sat there and mouth-breathed on her for 10 minutes before finally admitting that I needed to go back to bed before my skull cracked in two.

Then everyday Jason gets home and asks if I've taken anything, and I meekly reply that I tried some pregnancy-approved Tylenol, and then he rolls his eyes and chucks the bottle of Excedrin at my aching head, which actually makes it feel better, probably because of the precious non-pregnancy-approved aspirin and caffeine granules coating the bottle. Mmmm, osmosis.

Dear Quasimobryo: Mama doesn't WANT to pickle you and make you all wimpy and small, but you really need to knock this shit off.



Because! Despite being 100% out of commission for the majority of the day, I am proud as punch to unveil SIX GODDAMN WEEKS' WORTH of content over at my newest venture over at Alpha Mom: Zero To Forty, a weekly pregnancy calendar. It's really meant to be one of those week-by-week newsletter things, only...not (as?) boring and full of warnings about how two doses of Excedrin are ALL IT TAKES to produce a child with webbed toes and a propensity for fire-breathing.

As the disclaimer in the sidebar reminds you, however: "The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional.  Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide."

This is what well-researched looks like, by the way:


(Look at the crib leg! LOOK AT THE CRIB LEG! The crib! In the room! Where it will one day be reassembled once I remember where I put all the screws! And then I will put a BABY in there!)

New installments will be published every Wednesday, with occasional other pregnancy-related articles and diatribes going up...uh...occasionally. Because that's just the sort of profeshunal writer I are.  In the meantime, you can start with the first entry here, and read up until Week Six

(Please also to ooh and aah over the kickass banner and illustrations by Secret Agent Josephine, who I swear to God, whipped the entire thing together in less time than it takes me to draw a stick figure during a game of Pictionary.)

(It's 11:51 and I do not yet have a headache. Do I dream? Should I brush my teeth? Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach and maybe a pepperoni pizza?)



I hear ya on the headaches...I am 11 weeks along (fingers crossed as I have had 3 miscarriages to date) and all I can take is worthless tylenol as I am allergic to the lovely lovely aspirin, ibupofen and naproxen. DAMMIT


Eat the peach!


Ohhh, more reasons to look forward to Wednesday.

(My daughter had a second serving of leftover breakfast for lunch yesterday, and I am not pregnant, just a crappy human being.)

Jill (CDJ)

I had killer headaches in the beginning of my pregnancy too and my doc prescribed something for me that I'm not exactly sure what it was, but it said caffeine on the bottle. Tell your doc what's going on and make her/him give you some of the good stuff! Or I can send you what's left of mine if you get really desperate :-)

samantha jo campen

Is it wrong that I feel cool that we have the same Belly Book?


Okay. Sorry.

Feel better and yes, those headaches are a bitch!


Um, is this a weird thing to give advice about? I had migraine headaches almost constantly throughout all nine months of my first pregnancy, and my doctor gave me demerol. Seriously just knocked me out so that I'd stop throwing up and wanting to die. And she's six now, and fine. Other than the fact the she won't stop picking her boogers and eating them.


Looking forward to reading the zero to forty, as I'm first-time preggers as well. Request: can you link the site onto this site, as mamapop is linked?

Good luck with the headaches, and good luck to K too!


ndc - yes, it will definitely be linked over there. I of don't want to be the one to add it lest I accidentally blow the entire site up.

Eleanor Q.

As someone who never had headaches before getting pregnant, I was totally unprepared for pregnancy related headaches. Thankfully they did go away by month 4 and I could concentrate on the ice cream in the freezer.


Oh man I am so excited for zero to forty. So excited I almost wish I could go back to my sixth week of pregnancy, so I could get the full experience. But then again, that is the crazy talking, why in the crap would I go back to week six when I only have six weeks left? Clearly I am nuts, and also make no sense.


I would opt for the pizza over the peach.


I'm not pregnant and am not planning it for a few years at least...But omigod. Your pregnacy blog thing is hilarious. And sure as heck mades pregnancy sound a lot more...humerous. :)


Dare to dream. Then part your behind hair.

mama speak


Hope today is migraine & generally headache free for you. BUT, just to add to the assvice you'll be getting (as w/every pregnancy related). My bigger issue was low Blood Pressure (also had migraines, but the BP was what was scaring me; also making me almost pass out) and my doctor was like, "you know some caffinee is OK." And then told me I NEEDED to go get at least a cup of coffee once a day. (She perscribed my Starbucks addiction.) In the end, I had several (weird/opposite) symptoms during my pregnancy that eventually lead up to low amniotic fluid. I never measured low until the very, very end, but had a super short umbilical cord & some other things that were typical of that issue. Ok, so I'm not saying that's you're issue at all (now I'm totally rambling & hyjacking your comments.) My point, yes there is one, is that sometimes things you think you're supposed to avoid are really OK and helpful to you. Oh, and DD2 totally FINE & NORMAL.

Now that I've given you a headache, go get a coffee and some chocolate, that's what I'm going to do.


Is that a pair of black underwear flying in the air behind Noah? I love it!! SAJ is so talented. Can't wait to read alongside with this pregnancy too :)


have read and enjoyed you for a long time. decided to delurk to say...ah, prufrock!


Thanks to a lovely thing called hyperemesis, I was on Zofran, Phenergan and Zantac the entire pregnancy with both of my boys. Neither boy has webbed feet, eyes in the back of their heads, the crazies or the stupids. I think an Excederin will be fine every once in a while, I just wouldn't eat them like Tic-Tacs. Those pregnancy headaches are a bitch and anything that will make them feel better is a plus.

Congratulations- I actually yelled YAY when I read the good news.


Hi! New here.

That banner from SAJ kicks ass!! I love love love it!!


Makes me wish I was pregnant again ! I know I read through your archives when I was pregnant. I would calculate how many weeks along you were when and then read those entries (sometimes I would read ahead). So this is a wonderful idea, now readers don't have to do the math themselves! Actually, I still read along in your archives to see what was going on with Noah at my sons age. So, maybe you will be able to continue the column, except call it something like 0 to 18.
Here's hoping to no more migraines!


Oh, how I love the Prufrock allusions. You is a profeshunal writer.



Amy, try soaking your feet in the hottest water your skin can tolerate. It sounds ca-razay, but it's something about drawing the blood away from your head and relieving the headache.

Of course, it only worked for me in combination with Tylenol, but still. What's wrong with soaking feet in hot water?

Someone Being Me

I was lucky never to have the horrible pregnancy headaches I've heard so much about. My doctor told me at the beginning of my pregnancy that I could take most OTC medication until 27 weeks THEN only tylenol after that. I was more paranoid that that but I don't think an advil is going to cause webbed feet.

Nothing But Bonfires

Just when I think I can't find another reason to love you more, you thrown in a T.S. Eliot reference and that's IT. English majors unite!


i feel for you. as someone who suffers from non-pregnancy migraines at least twice a month (usually period related), it is horrendous and i can't imagine doing anything but laying on the bathroom floor praying for the sweet release of death.

i hope that this phase passes soon.


Oh my freaking GOD I had that itchy crap too. Only with the second pregnancy. People thought I had scabies. I'm sure of it.

The new site. Just so, so good.

And. The Baby Center book is a keeper. Though Vicki Iovine rocks my world. Like Bret Michael's shebeasts. I digress.


Am I supposed to be able to see a crib leg in that picture?

(Love the banner for the new site, btw.)


Nice job on the column! Congratulations!!

More assvice: After suffering from daily migraines for weeks during the early 1st trimester, I finally discovered that if I drank a full quart of water by Noon, I wouldn't get the migraine. I kid you not, and I even experimented with it, thinking I must be missing something, but sure enough, if I only drank 20 oz, I got a migraine. Drink the full 32, no migraine. I finally was able to stop doing that around 5 months. Those little buggers just suck everything out of you, don't they.

Feel better!


did you quit your coffee habit cold turkey when you found out you were pregnant? It sounds like caffeine withdrawal - which is why Excedrin works for you - it has caffeine! See if your Dr. will approve 1 cuppa jo in the morning to stave off the headache (half caff maybe)


I should have known SAJ was behind the illos for Zero to Forty! I love her work!

Congrats on the new blog and I'll drink to your massive headaches/migraines ceasing NOW.

Sue Sondag

I also itched for my entire second pregnancy. I stopped itching right after I delivered! The only thing that was somewhat helpful was Shepard's Cream Lotion (unscented). I still use it for dry or itchy skin. Good luck with your pregnancy.


Wow Secret Angent Josephine did such a good job! I am hoping that I win her "free web graphic" contest...fingers crossed.


Amalah..I'm SUCH a sap..why am I sitting at my desk WEEPING over the pregnancy calendar?? After this next period in a day or two, I'm going to stop taking my BC pills..even though you haven't covered my particular situation (Type 2 Diabetic and 35 yrs old), your advice is freakin' great..especially the part about calming down..I tend to flip out over the small things.
Thanks Amalah for being so informative.

bethany actually

Yay for more Amalah and yay for SAJ's banner! She really can do amazing things with vectors and pixels.


I have the BELLY BOOK (among others) it =)


I just read through weeks 1-6 and LOVED it! Your writing is great and fun and informative. Yay for more Amalah to read! Whee!


Not trying to be a pain, but on this page you wrote (I know before I ever entering the tryin etc. You get the picture.


Oh no! But, remember when you were all "oh, I haven't had any morning sickness, something must be wrong" and nothing was wrong? The universe is paying you back now. That sucks. Hope your headaches clear up or you can get some good drugs that won't give your baby web-feet. Google told me aspirin is especially bad in the last 3 months of pregnancy, so since you're probably only 4 1/2 weeks pregnant at this point (just kidding) I'd like to think a few Excedrin with a little bit of aspirin won't do you or the baby any harm. Just don't take the whole bottle in a desperate attempt to stop the madness!


You take Fioricet which is a Class C pregnancy migraine medicine that has a mild sedative, caffeine, and tylenol. My ob/gyn office was happy to take care of me and my nonstop migraines that lasted until the end of the pregnancy. Somewhere around the 2nd trimester, the Fioricet stopped working all the time, and they let me take Vicodin for the really BAD migraines. You might think, how could a migraine get worse? When it won't GO AWAY after DAYS of suffering. Anyway, my ob office had a high risk specialist working there and she approved the Vicodin, and I can't thank her enough. Those were some rough times, and I completely empathize with you.

BTW - If you're having migraines with this pregnancy, it could be a sign that you're having a girl, as the extra estrogen that a girl creates kicks migraines into overdrive.

Fun :)

I've been reading for a few years, and rarely have commented, but I do hope this might help.

I hope you feel better very soon!


Pregnancy Sucks was my FAVORITE pregnancy book. Because everything that sucks about pregnancy... happened to me.

ps i'd still do it again


just read the new column, tis excellent! Regarding the itching, You can take an oatmeal bath (blend up oatmeal and add the powder and some milk to bath) to help sooth the itching and the welties. Alot of people I know also like Aveno Oatmeal stuff.


I had pregnancy migraines throughout my entire pregnancy and it sucked. I ended up being hospitalized.


At a bare minimum, you should wear white linen trousers and walk upon the beach.


I get migraines constantly, regardless of pregnancy. It sucks. During pregnancy, I took tylenol and had some caffeine. And taped ice packs to my head. While breastfeeding, it's ibuprofen and caffeine (and the ice packs). You can take narcotics if needed while pregnant/breastfeeding, but I found after I had Max that I liked the narcotics maybe a little too much, so I stopped taking them (plus for me it never helped with the pain, but boy howdy I sure didn't care about it anymore).


I had terrible pregnancy headaches too, still do (I'm 25 weeks along). My doctor said it could be low blood sugar in the afternoon, because I'd get them right after lunch.

So she told me to eat more often, and don't eat a big lunch, and see if that helps.

Congrats! :)


Am I the only one that can't add the new calendar to my reader or subscribe???


Well, it looks like you must be 110% functional during the small portion of your day when you are not completely debilitated by migraines. Good luck with the new writing venture - it sure does does look "profeshunal." (BTW - LOVED the Prufrock reference. Do you hear the mermaids singing when you're curled up in your bed all afternoon?)


I tried to comment on the entry a couple weeks back where you announced your pregnancy, but the computer ate my comment and I'm just too f'in lazy to retype "WHOOHOOO!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, MAMA!!!!!!!", so this will have to do.

(and you best believe I'm copying this sucka before I hit post today so I don't have to type it again)

I really want to ask: what's the issue you have with webbed toes? My family passes that trait down genetically, so my son has the cutest little right foot you've ever seen, with the 2nd & 3rd toes joined all the way to the knuckle. My grandfather was so proud to see that bit of his legacy carried on to his great-grandson. Makes all the heck he'll endure in high school worth it.

Further, I'd like to point out that you probably won't actually find the screws for the crib. My suggestion: follow the example of others (who, me?) and find the manufacturer's website and order replacement hardware and get it over with. Just make sure it's returnable - and don't assemble the crib until the last minute - because one week before you're due you'll find the original screw set. I guarantee it.

Good Luck!!!!!


nice prufrock.


Clusterfuckery is my new favorite word.


have a cup of coffee... I tell you cold turkey on the coffee will KILL you.


Before I knew I was pregnant with my 3rd, I had the worst, head-splitting headaches of my life. I thought it was stress related because we were in the process of moving. Then, they got so bad I thought I may die in the night so hub made me go to the doctor. Not one person at the doc's office asked me if I could be pregnant (nor did it occur to me) and gave me a cat scan.
Much later after heaps of drugs loaded with aspirin, said cat-scan etc, I found out that I was indeed pregnant, and that headaches are a very common side effect. Who knew?
Here's the important thing I learned, though: Do NOT TAKE ASPIRIN. It really can cause hurtful problems. The doctor (backed up by 2 other doctors, when I couldn't quite believe this) said Vicodin is perfectly OK for a baby, as it's in the Tylenol family. I got a prescription and looooooved it. Sometimes only had 1/2, and was able to taper off as the headaches eased pretty quickly. Also, the part suggested about the H2O is so true.
Good luck!!!


Oh, I got those too. Or I still do, just not today. I called my Dr. one morning when I was getting the vision spots and numbness on one side of my body and they gave me Tylenol 3 with Codeine. Normal Tylenol does Nothing!


I would add Dr. Sears' "The Pregnancy Book" to that pile.

Karen E

Ah I feel your pain. I had terrible headaches when I was pregnant with my daughter and they finally went away when I was in my second trimester. I hope you feel better today.

Heather B.

Did I mention that I was sorry? Because Dude, I am sorry. Though I was mighty glad that by the afternoon you were raring to go. Next time I'll let you watch me drink and you can drive me back into the city. I'll make it up to you one day. In about 10 or so years-ish.


Oh, the pregnancy headaches, I remember-I'm sorry :( But that blog banner is teh AWESOMEST. I love Noah in his red footie pajamas!


I am sadly not yet a pregnancy expert, but I am (just as sadly) a migraine expert.

When I was on my kick to get pregnant & have the world's healthiest baby, I stopped all my migraine meds & OTC stuff. Stuff that did work for me (and still do, when I'm not extraordinarily lazy) are: hot shower, ice pack on back of neck, and (look out, this one seems crazy) smearing some Ben Gay on my forehead. It's an old ER nurse trick, something about vasodialators, or something. Also has some kind of aromatherapy component to it, since Ben Gay now smells minty & not mediciney. Good luck!


I am 37 weeks pregnant with #2. I had terrible headaches/migraines for the first trimester but they faded away around month 5... there is hope! My OB recommeded caffeine and tylenol or she said that I could take a narcotic but I chose to suffer through. Good Luck!


I had bad bad migraines, especially with baby #1 and was told NO aspirin or ibuprofen (could cause bleeding). But she said 1-2 cups of coffee with tylenol would be need to go cold turkey and make the migraines worse. :)

Hope you're feeling better!


I second the fioricet! Call you doctor-I'm sure they are on speed dial.


Having had three children--I found I could have terrible headaches. My doctor reminded me to drink water. I just kept filling one of those water bottles--it helps me. Good luck! :-)


Having had three children--I found I could have terrible headaches. My doctor reminded me to drink water. I just kept filling one of those water bottles--it helped me. Good luck! :-)


forgive me if this is assvice, or if it has already been mentioned above. i also suffered from the pregnancy migraines and my doctor prescribed a blood pressure medication (sorry, i don't remember what it was called) which acted to dilate the blood vessels in my head that were constricting and causing my headaches. or something. whatever it did, it worked pretty damn well. she also told me to "hit 'em with caffeine and tylenol" when i felt one coming on. good luck.

Vaguely Urban

this scuttling pair of claws just spent several minutes looking for the crib leg, THE CRIB LEG!


The headaches are horrible. Same problem here. I asked my sister about them. She asked a friend who had the same problem (I know this totally sounds like a friend's cousin's mother's kidney donor type thing, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt). Apparently her doctor recommended taking two Tylenol and drinking a Coke as fast as she could (I don't know if it was the caffeine or the carbonation or a combination of the two). Sounds like a recipe for vomiting if you ask me, but maybe...

Also, the next person who tells me what I can and can't do as a pregnant woman will become very well-acquainted with the power of hormones combined with sleep-, food-, caffeine-, and alcohol-deprivation. As long as I'm not binge drinking or walking around with a crack pipe hanging out my mouth, I think the Pregnancy Police can keep their mouths shut.

Finally, I see you have The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy. It's so good my husband even read the whole thing and laughed all the way through. Love that book.


I love the reference to The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock at the end, oh, Amy, you balance my reading diet :)


I also got more headaches with the second (and it's a girl), I take Excedrin Tension headache medication, no aspirin but does have caffeine.


I'm not pregnant. However, I have had a migraine every day for the past 3 days as well. Weird. Dare to dream.


I had horrible headaches during my entire pregnancy. But something with caffeine really does help! Coffee has a lot of caffeine but you could try a caffeinated tea, I drank a lot of yogi teas when I was pregnant and the helped. They make a tea for pregnant women too.


I just found out yesterday that I am pregnant for my second, so I'm about two weeks behind you. I'm so excited to follow your new blog!!


I am so sorry about the headaches, and hope they subside soon. I was incredibly lucky that my migraines are related to hormonal cycles, so--no cycle, no migraine. I was blissfully migraine-free from the moment I got pregnant until I stopped breastfeeding.

And now the motherfuckers are back with a vengeance, coming 2 or 3 times a month, sometimes days at a time, just to screw with me. I'm not sure whether to be grateful I can take Imitrex, or if I should try to get pregnant again so I can get maybe another 22-24 month pass. (with my luck, that wouldn't work this time)

Anyway--sending quiet-dark- room, cold-washcloth-on-forehead thoughts your way, and hoping they help. Hang in there.


I know you've gotten advice out the wazoo, but this one I can so relate to. After five months of morning-noon-night puking from my toes, I kicked into migraines. I'd had them off and on since puberty, and called my OB about taking my usual migraine meds. He said no, but prescribed Fiorinal with codeine. I called half a dozen pharmacies to be sure I really could take it pregnant. It was my absolute life saver..Lucked out with the migraines all but stopping right after my daughter(maybe it is a girl thing) until she started puberty..I sure do wish you the best.


The idea of vomit, itching, acne, and headaches makes me not want to be pregnant. My husband thanks you for this very effective birth control. In order to ensure effectiveness, I may need to avert my eyes from all ridiculously cute pictures.

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