Drama, Thy Name is Toddler
February 11, 2008
Or Toddler, Thy Name is Drama. I don't really know. The point is: I am five minutes away from FedExing my child to China.
Noah has been, no lie and no exaggeration, throwing one solid tantrum since early yesterday, with only the occasional breathing break.
THINGS THAT HAVE MADE NOAH FALL TO THE FLOOR AND WEEP BIG FAT TEARS INCONSOLABLY IN THE PAST 24 HOURS:
1) Asking for more Cheerios, being reminded of the gigantic pile of Cheerios directly in front of him.
2) Asking for more milk, being reminded of the very full cup of milk directly in front of him.
3) Climbing out the back of a chair and getting stuck because he refuses to take the sippy cup out of his mouth.
4) The 30 seconds it takes to microwave his dinner.
5) Asking for a cookie, getting said cookie, discovering that he actually really wanted some cake.
6) Blue's Clues, because Steve is wasting precious seconds looking for a clue that is RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN FRONT OF HIM ZOMG.
7) His new Thomas the Tank Engine jammies, because they need to be ON HIS BODY instead of carried around like a blankie.
8) Deliberately hitting his head against the floor while tantrumming; suddenly realizing that deliberately hitting your head against the floor actually kind of hurts.
9) THE DOG IS LOOKING AT ME MAKE THE DOG STOP LOOKING AT ME AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
10) Touching the oven, getting caught touching the oven, STOP LOOKING AT ME TOUCHING THE OVEN AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
11) Asking to fingerpaint, HELP HELP THERE'S PAINT ON MY FINGERS AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
12) The stroller, the carseat, being carried, walking on his own feet, not being allowed to roll around on the floor in Target.
13) Putting sidewalk chalk in mouth against all advice and reason, suddenly discovering that sidewalk chalk tastes like ass.
14) Being asked any sort of question whatsoever, including, in all seriousness, Noah, do you want some candy?
15) The three seconds of Little Bear opening credits our Tivo records at the end of Blue's Clues episodes, because even though he has never sat through an episode of Little Bear ever so we don't TiVo them, we should totally know that those three seconds of opening credits are the GREATEST THING EVER and he now wants to watch Little Bear more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CANNOT MAKE LITTLE BEAR MATERIALIZE RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL DESTROOOOOOOY YOOOOOOOOOOOOU.
Shall I go on or do you have the general idea?
My god, I don't know who this kid is and what his problem(ssssss) is(arrrre). I thought maybe a short nap was to blame so I put him to bed early last night, only to have him wake up screaming this morning because...I don't know. Something about the Thomas jammies again, like because the shirt was on his body he couldn't LOOK at it, but then when I took it off he screamed AND KICKED ME IN THE STOMACH.
(I should also point out that in the past few days, I have become the Only Acceptable Parent, which is breaking Jason's heart and bugging the crap out of me, since he seems to demand my constant presence for the sole purpose of abusing it.)
I am...worn out. I have never, ever witnessed anything like this from him and have "If That OT Could See Me Now" (as sung by Kathie Lee Gifford) stuck in my head. Is he sick? Teething? Growth-spurting? Opening wormholes into some sort of evil Doppelgangerland from Planet Toddler?
I spent Friday afternoon in the maternity ward, holding someone else's mewling little newborn. That was very Suck, especially since after this past week several people I know have now successfully conceived, gestated and birthed children in less time than we've been trying for a second.
A very boring insurance kerfluffle sidetracked our plan to see the doctor last month and I have yet to pick up the phone and reschedule. Because apparently I have the same sort of "smash your own fool head against the floor and then complain about it" impulses as Noah.
This entry probably reads downright bizarre to a lot of you. Or like, all of you. Seriously? She's whining about not being pregnant two paragraphs after going on and on about her current child's hellacious never-ending tantrum of nerve-shattering asshole-ness? And did she just maybe call the current child whom she is goddamned lucky to have in the first place an asshole right there?
Yes. And yes. Irrational Little Snowflake, thy name is Blogger. Or maybe, Unconditional Love, thy name is Mother.
Yes. Hopefully it's that one.
i vote teething.
PMS?
I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like Noah is either going to have a fever or be puking in the next 24 hours. All those things seem to add up to a pre-sickness melt down.
Oh but that cute little grin and those curls how could it not be unconditional love.
Oh. My.
Pictures of Noah make my ovaries hurt, he's that cute.
But this post here? Very effective antidote.
lol
I love this entry - I often find myself telling friends how exhausted I am as I also tell them I have a nearly irresistable urge to have another. They look at me like I'm insane. They also don't have kids yet and don't understand the meaning of exhausted or the unconditional love you feel anyway :)
Oh honey. I totally vote teething. I think if I were in your shoes I would dose that kid a little baby Motrin and strap him into the carseat and drive around on the highway until he passes out. It wastes a lot of gas, but it totally works.
Or wine, wine works too. (For you, stick with the baby Motrin for him.) Although not usually a good mix with the highway.
sounds like the terrible 2's!
I LOVE that Noah is the same age as my youngest. It is so fucking awesome knowing that I am not alone in this 2nd circle of Toddler Tantrum Hell. Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu!
Carry on...
If it's any consolation, in hindsight I realized that most of the Incredible Weeks O' Tantrums preceded growth spurts or new skills...like growing 6 inches in one night, vocab explosion, walking, running, you name it. Or they came down with some gross illness that required them to puke and run fevers for 40 days and 40 nights. If you do FedEx him to China...make sure he has airholes in his crate, a full sippy cup, and lots of string cheese! He'll be killing the over there with those blond curls!
I'm scared of toddlers. They seem to act a lot like me at the end of a long day, but unfortunately cannot be plied with a cocktail.
Hope this marathon tantrum ends soon & that you are on the receiving end of a baby ASAP.
You probably don't want our long list of opinions....but when my oldest acted that way, it was my ONLY clue that he had an ear infection or sinus infection.
Sounds like two-year-olditis to me. My 2 1/2 year old - who is normally the most sunny and cheerful of children - spent two solid days this weekend repeatedly asking for access to his dad's Lego collection, just so he could cry big fat loud tears every time we said no.
This too shall pass.
My toddler has been doing that on and off for WEEKS! I really enjoy the off parts and hope blindly that each "off" is really done, but then it's NOT. Have you been bit yet? Mine has added biting mommy to the list of selective abuse. Only mommy is worthy of use of teeth!
And I would like to have a third!
We have been having one of those weeks around here as well. Everything sucks, I suck, his other mommy sucks, the food he just asked for and we just cooked sucks, he wants every train ever created for the Thomas Wooden Railroad NOW, Everything is the END of the damn WORLD for him this week.
But we have a good idea what his issue is. He misses school (we just moved) and wants to play with other kids and his schedule is all screwed up. He really needs a rigid schedule and needs to know what is happening or he gets this way.
Have you made a major change to Noah's schedule recently that would cause him anxiety (added something new, removed something familiar)?
For some kids, heavy pressure (big hug, pressing on him gently with a cushion) can help them organize and settle back down. I have some other calming strategies that our OT gave us for our son that I can e-mail you if you are interested. I don't know that any of it would help, it can really be hit or miss with our little guy, but it might make you feel like you are doing something which can help you (I know it helps me). ;-)
Ah, yes. My little C-monster made me call my mom and cry because she's been so. dang. hard. Mom's answer? It's a phase you have to love her through.
Thanks Mom. I'm going to go cut myself now.
It seems our kids (my twins included) have had their brains sucked out by aliens, and replaced with Folgers crystals. Damn if it isn't the terrible two's, or "developmentally appropriate and exciting", according to Max's speech therapist. Whatever.
I feel ya, and if you're in the area of CT, stop by for some wine and whining. I'd be happy to have you.
hang in there - toddlers' moods change faster than the weather. Before you know it he'll be winning you over with his amazing cuteness again.
I'm so glad we were able to pass that mood on to you. Last week? She was a bitch. Not just the week, the Toddler, too. I think (*fingers crossed*) we are better now. Maybe. (*knocks on wood*)
They don't call it "the terrible twos" for nothing.
Yeah sounds like my niece. Some days she is beyond logic.
Only another parent can understand that odd dichotomy that is wanting a 2nd child while the 1st one is driving you to the point of pondering FedEx prices to China.......
With babies that cute, you have to keep making them. It's good for the gene pool...
"evil Doppelgangerland from Planet Toddler"
Oh, yes. This is my child as well. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. Have you been bitten, licked and/ or head butted recently? It's a wonderful experience. Hang in there. If we don't kill them it gets better. Promise.
I vote ear infection. Sure, tantrums are normal for 2-year- olds, but when my son tantrums himself into another another dimension, it usually means he's feeling crappy. I hope he' back to his usual preshus self soon!
Don't waste your money on FedEx... UPS Ground is much cheaper. Then maybe I can fit my 4 year old in the box with him.
Oh, yeah. That. I {unheart} that. I've never actually FedExed the 3 year old to China, only because I was concerned he'd be returned to sender with postage due.
Also - Little Bear is totally available On Demand. If you have that. (And possibly online at the Sprout website.)
Oh, you poor sweet young mother, you. You are wracking your brain to find a cause of Noah's Tantrumness when in fact, there is no logical explanation. He is a toddler. They act this way. No rhyme or reason. Seriously. That's it. One minute, poster child for All Things Beautiful...the next minute, acting like rats are gnawing their toes off.
My son was so sweet and wonderful and beautiful and good-natured until he hit 2 yrs and 9months. Then, we wanted to give him to gypsies to raise, except that we didn't know any gypsies and plus really wouldn't have wished him on the poor unsuspecting gypsies. He had about a four month span where he was SPAWNFROMHELL, then one day morphed back into my angelic bundle of adorableness. I hope this blip on Noah's behavior radar doesn't last that long for you. But it does pass.
Now with my second child? She has to hock up a lung during a tantrum for me to pay attention to it. (Please understand I am not trying to sound like a knowitall or condescending to you. It's just that after 12 yrs of mothering, my children are going to have to do more than be poophead-extraordinairres before I get too riled up. But it is exhausting and you will find yourself looking for his off button..or gypsies.)
No, you're making perfect sense. Just 'cause your existing kid is making you temporarily nuts doesn't mean you don't still want another.
FWIW. M's also been the tantrum child for a few days. Maybe it's a full moon?
Go ahead and FedEx Noah my way, and I'll trade you my 7 month old who is teething while trying to crawl while screaming because she's scared to crawl but screaming if you sit her up because she wants to crawl, but screming if you put her in a crawling position because she's scared, but screaming if you sit her.....sigh.
I can totally relate to you and after the week I have had with my 2 year old it is good to know he is not the only one that acts like that or that I am not the only mother that thinks like that! Good luck!
Also, also - Mercury is Retrograde.
Maybe he's starting on the 3yr old thing a bit early? My mind clung to the phrase "cranky jerk" when I read one of Ask Moxie's posts because that's exactly what my oldest turned into about 7 months ago. It was fast and without warning and suuucked. It's over now, gone as quickly as it came. I hope this isn't what's happening with Noah yet, but if it is, this helped me:
"The dirty little secret that most parents of kids 3 years apart (like, oh, say, me) won't tell you is that 3-year-olds can be amazing little creatures, but at a certain point they become cranky little jerks. And it's kind of a crapshoot where in the cycle you'll end up when you have your baby. So you could have a newborn and a sweet loving 3-year-old angel, but then later a 6-month-old and a 3 1/2-year-old cranky jerk. Or you could have a newborn and a cranky jerk, and then 6 months later a 6-month-old and an angel."
Assvice courtesy of me and Ask Moxie.
Two Year Molars? Maybe. Two Year Assholeness? Definitely. Unfortunately for you, and me, it doesn't end at two. Sorry for the bad news.
Dylan is 3 next month and we go through the same thing on a fairly consistent basis. Yay for two's & three's!
Oh, and you KNOW you love your kids and are a good parent when you can live what you've been living for the past few days, and STILL love that child AND want another one. Desperately.
It will get better. As a nanny, I've seen a lot of kids through the twos, and now I'll admiit it's my favorite age. You'll figure out what's going on with Noah, whether it's simply that he's figuring out the limits both of your household and the world or because there's something else going on (the afore-mentioned teething, impending illness, etc.). And some days? Perhaps when you've had plenty of sleep and a little wine? You'll find those tantrums to be terribly funny.
I hope the journey through the frustration/exasperation part goes quickly for you. You're doing a great job.
Eamon is doing the all day, week long tantrum thing too. I suspect he is just finding LIFE to be frustrating and that mama can't fix every thing. Which is making our life hellish too. Sounds like you and Noah are in the same damn boat.
And new babies are heartbreaking when you are longing for your own. Be kind to your self.
I'd expect a cold or virus and then a developmental spurt after he feels better.
I literally cannot count the number of times I've been through a period like this with one of my kids.
They get all hellacious, and then right as I'm about to cram a plastic bag full of my stuff into my bicycle basket and pedal off into the sunset, a nose starts running. Then I smack myself in the forehead and go, "OH. YEAH. OF. COURSE."
I smiled all the way through your post, both because you've got an awesome way of putting the experience in words, and because I have soooo been there. Hang in, it gets better. Then worse, then better. Just when you're actually searching for the tape to seal up the FedEx box, they'll do something that totally melts you and you start all over again.
My mom used to say it's Wonderful Ones, Terrible Twos, Terrific Threes, Frustrating Fours, and Fabulous Fives. Then they go to school. I remember saying that I want the Fabulousness of Fives to start. On. Their. Birthday. Or that's it, they're outta here. Lol.
Hang in, you're doing great!!
When in doubt, dose them. I discovered that the mystery obnoxiousness that MAY be caused by teething, or ear infection or upcoming violent vomiting or even growth spurts can be at least temporarily relieved by a good healthy dose of motrin. It'll cure what ails you. Also, don't forget to dose Mommy with cocktail of choice.
Oh yeah, my kid has been working the drama since before her 2nd birthday in November. I'll totally go in on the shipping costs with you.
It's tough to be two years old. Life . . . just gets to be too much. And there is no alcohol to mitigate the pain.
Unless . . . you "accidentally" leave out some brandy, er, in his sippy cup, and knock him out. Take that, evil toddler child!
I am SO glad to know Im not the only mom that deals with unprovoked toddler rampages! I dont know what to blame it on other than that they sense weakness.
Im especially glad to know I dont have the only 2 y.o. that can melt down even when offered things like candy. Seriously, what is with that?! Hang in there!
Well, you can be rest assured that you are NOT the only mother to look at her 2 year old and say "Who the Hell ARE you, anyway???" I feel your pain.
Thank God he's so cute, or you'd have to, like, eat him or something...
Could be getting sick was my first thought, or it could be low blood sugar. A tip from a parenting mag that worked shockingly well is to give them a little fruit juice as soon as they wake up in the morning (while still in bed) to get their blood sugar going, worked miracles, absolute lifesaving miracles.
Thanks you. You made me laugh which I know was not the point but oh how I have been there.
I got the running into the parking lot (thankfully the College Park aviation museum is so not crowded) AND then a very confused three year old not getting why he cannot now have the plane he just got in the gift store.
Oh, and my Mom in the back trying to "help" me tell him how running in parking lots is not safe.
I also get the TIVO/DVR thing- if it is not on on demand or if we have not pre-recorded then we do not HAVE IT.
Hang in there. He has to sleep sometime today right?
don't worry, the post made perfect, hilarious sense. Hilarious to those who read it-not so funny to you and yours....this too shall pass.
I, too, have never been quite as exhausted as I have been over the past week. We don't have full-on tantrums yet, but we have Extensive Whining, and OH MY GOD, we have had this Extensive Whining for THREE SOLID MONTHS NOW and I am going to just DIE if this phase doesn't end soon. Or, worse, what if it ISN'T a phase, and I just have the most unhappy child who has ever been born?
Last week he woke up from a nap after one hour (he needed at least two to act human) and I just wept. WEPT.
In conclusion: I get it.
The other day my friend called me just so I could hear her sweet two and a half year olds screams. The cause...she was washing his Thomas pj's. He sobbed as he banged on the washing machine. Funny to me...but I am sure very hard for you all to see the hummor in just yet...good luck. I am sure it will get better!
i would guess that he's either sick with an ear infection or about to get that way.
i'd probably schedule him a drs appt. course, our insurance is really good.
i copy amym. the average age in this house is 2: noah's age. so we have a 3 year old who throws tantrums for reasons that you amusingly listed and a one year old who is a great mimic of the tantrums. how much for fedex?
Oh my God, I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I have an almost-three-year-old who in the past two days has been acting JUST LIKE THAT, and I have NO IDEA why. He doesn't seem to be sick, or teething, or growing. He just has a screeching fit over everything, even giving him what he asks for! What the hell is that about?
I wish I had some advice, but dammit, I need some myself!