Mah Bucket of Solitude
One Dozen Long-Stemmed Years

Drama, Thy Name is Toddler

Or Toddler, Thy Name is Drama. I don't really know. The point is: I am five minutes away from FedExing my child to China.

Noah has been, no lie and no exaggeration, throwing one solid tantrum since early yesterday, with only the occasional breathing break.

THINGS THAT HAVE MADE NOAH FALL TO THE FLOOR AND WEEP BIG FAT TEARS INCONSOLABLY IN THE PAST 24 HOURS:

1) Asking for more Cheerios, being reminded of the gigantic pile of Cheerios directly in front of him.

2) Asking for more milk, being reminded of the very full cup of milk directly in front of him.

3) Climbing out the back of a chair and getting stuck because he refuses to take the sippy cup out of his mouth.

4) The 30 seconds it takes to microwave his dinner.

5) Asking for a cookie, getting said cookie, discovering that he actually really wanted some cake.

6) Blue's Clues, because Steve is wasting precious seconds looking for a clue that is RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN FRONT OF HIM ZOMG.

7) His new Thomas the Tank Engine jammies, because they need to be ON HIS BODY instead of carried around like a blankie.

8) Deliberately hitting his head against the floor while tantrumming; suddenly realizing that deliberately hitting your head against the floor actually kind of hurts.

9) THE DOG IS LOOKING AT ME MAKE THE DOG STOP LOOKING AT ME AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

10) Touching the oven, getting caught touching the oven, STOP LOOKING AT ME TOUCHING THE OVEN AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

11) Asking to fingerpaint, HELP HELP THERE'S PAINT ON MY FINGERS AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

12) The stroller, the carseat, being carried, walking on his own feet, not being allowed to roll around on the floor in Target.

13) Putting sidewalk chalk in mouth against all advice and reason, suddenly discovering that sidewalk chalk tastes like ass.

14) Being asked any sort of question whatsoever, including, in all seriousness, Noah, do you want some candy?

15) The three seconds of Little Bear opening credits our Tivo records at the end of Blue's Clues episodes, because even though he has never sat through an episode of Little Bear ever so we don't TiVo them, we should totally know that those three seconds of opening credits are the GREATEST THING EVER and he now wants to watch Little Bear more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CANNOT MAKE LITTLE BEAR MATERIALIZE RIGHT THIS SECOND I WILL DESTROOOOOOOY YOOOOOOOOOOOOU.

Shall I go on or do you have the general idea?

My god, I don't know who this kid is and what his problem(ssssss) is(arrrre). I thought maybe a short nap was to blame so I put him to bed early last night, only to have him wake up screaming this morning because...I don't know. Something about the Thomas jammies again, like because the shirt was on his body he couldn't LOOK at it, but then when I took it off he screamed AND KICKED ME IN THE STOMACH.

(I should also point out that in the past few days, I have become the Only Acceptable Parent, which is breaking Jason's heart and bugging the crap out of me, since he seems to demand my constant presence for the sole purpose of abusing it.)

I am...worn out. I have never, ever witnessed anything like this from him and have "If That OT Could See Me Now" (as sung by Kathie Lee Gifford) stuck in my head. Is he sick? Teething? Growth-spurting? Opening wormholes into some sort of evil Doppelgangerland from Planet Toddler?

I spent Friday afternoon in the maternity ward, holding someone else's mewling little newborn. That was very Suck, especially since after this past week several people I know have now successfully conceived, gestated and birthed children in less time than we've been trying for a second.

A very boring insurance kerfluffle sidetracked our plan to see the doctor last month and I have yet to pick up the phone and reschedule. Because apparently I have the same sort of "smash your own fool head against the floor and then complain about it" impulses as Noah.

This entry probably reads downright bizarre to a lot of you. Or like, all of you. Seriously? She's whining about not being pregnant two paragraphs after going on and on about her current child's hellacious never-ending tantrum of nerve-shattering asshole-ness? And did she just maybe call the current child whom she is goddamned lucky to have in the first place an asshole right there?

Yes. And yes. Irrational Little Snowflake, thy name is Blogger. Or maybe, Unconditional Love, thy name is Mother.

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Yes. Hopefully it's that one.

Comments

Jen

but look at that smile. i think you're making it all up. ;) kidding.

Bacchus

Oh my g-d!! I thought it was just our family over the last few days. The other day Little Man melted down because the slice of cheese he was handed broke in half! The horror of it all. Maybe it is a lunar phase. I hope it all gets better soon.

M.A. Smith

I totally get the desiring a child, even when you know how frustrating children can be. That's kind of where I am, but without the frustration of one child yet.

Noah reminds me why I want kids, even if he is giving you a tough time right now.

imagine community

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Some days are just like that. I hope you and he both get a good night's sleep tonight.

Amanda

That sounds very like my children were at that age. I remember my daughter not liking something, it could have been anything, and she came over and bit me in the butt when I was bent over. Some days are like that - a real bite in the butt.

Treena

I totally get you.

Mrs. Schmitty

Definitely teething or getting sick. If a kid freaks out over the prospect of candy....something ain't right!

Robbi

There must be something in the air. I had to drag my screaming preschooler out of CVS today after she gave me the death look and stuck her tongue out at me when I said I wasn't buying gum. And the people in the long line at the register gasped at her. And then she pulled down a shelf of valentines day cards in anger. Total and utter humiliation I tell you.

Dona

I remember those days. They suck. Then the kids get over it.

And then the kids become teenagers.

Kiki

Oh yes, same scene over here. Wailing crying and devestation at every turn. We are not pregnant yet either. And I feel the same way about complaining about my first while still complaining about wanting a second. There is no rational excuse besides being a mom, a very good mom. Drink up. Its a bonus to mot being pregnant:)

DeannaBanana

1.) He doesn't need a reason. He is toddler, hear him roar.

2.) Thanks for keepin it real, yo. It is resfreshing, and it is entirely okay for you to call him an asshole and still want more of him.

Sam

It is amazing to me that I want #2 and yet my #1 is still a needy asshole half the time. By the way, my first one is 11. Years old. Recently I have had the urge to start calling people to find out where he came from and to inquire if I could bring him back. It never ends, it just becomes a different type of asshole.

Colleen

Ugh! Sorry he's being such a pill! Gavin will still do that--go on these multi-day tantrums; or worse, the week-long whining. OMG THE WHINING!!!! It makes me want to cut my ears off so that I can just sit and watch him spaz out without actually hearing it.

Hopefully he straightens up soon. Maybe a good rough-housing might be a good way to work out his demons and bring out the giggles.

Sarah

I am the last of the TTC crew to not get knocked up and it has SUCKED. Lots of people on their second,and I'm jsut getting a real running start at my 1st. Any chance Noah has an ear infection? They can sometimes be asymtomatic?

Christie

I'm mostly curious as to how you know sidewalk chalk tastes like ass????

Stacy

It is in the air in the Baltimore/Washington Metro area, I'm afraid. We had a 30 minute meltdown this evening because I didn't go home the way he wanted me to go (by Chick Fil-A). If I did go that way, he would have started screaming when I drove by and did not stop. I am so glad I am moving this weekend and never have to drive home near Chick Fil-A again.

Wendy

I am going through the same thing with my 2 yr. old, Allyson! She's killing me. Everything and anything is worthy of a tantrum. I did get to look into her mouth during one episode and noticed her molars finally coming in. Hope you both have a much better day tomorrow.

p.s. it's now been 14 months trying for number 2 for us. And even with all the tantrum throwing, I am longing for another one.

Sabre

We're living parallel lives. My 2 year old has been acting very much like a two year old! Imagine that! I hope things improve for you soon.

Marisa

He could be testing limits, you know how kids love doing that. :)

They also say kids have a growth spurt around their birthday and half birthday, it's about time for Noah's half birthday soon?

He could also be picking up if you're upset..

Beth

Teething? Hmmm. Interesting choice of words there.

Mary

Tell Noah to grow up. He obviously doesn't realize how much of an ass he's making of himself.

george

Yeah, I mean I wouldn't freak out either if I had little clones popping up out of nowhere stealing my thumb print.

Jessica

You make PERFECT sense, sweet pea - no worries!!!

Lisa

I know I was already to condemn Noah and then I see the picture at the bottom and everything faded into a blond haired flash of cuteness. so now I am going to take up for noah. STOP ANNOYING NOAH AMY!! just joking

artikat

I thought it was just my kid! Gahh! Thanks for reminding us we aren't alone.

Kellie

Ha! You just blogged my life three years ago. EXACTLY. One day my husband came home from work and I handed him my son and told him that I had checked myself into the hotel/spa down the road for the weekend. It had gotten that bad.

Mine just turned 5 last month and it's easier. We are back in therapy because his sensory issues have resulted in him having a hard time learning. Awesome!

From one sensory momma to another...I feel you, I hear you, you're amazing. You have to figure out a way to make sure you are taken care of. Get on that.:)

lisa

When my daughter used to have days like that, she would deny adamently that she hurt anywhere. But she always had an ear infection.

Heather

I had that day today at Disneyland... times two @@ (and I can't even blame it on toddlerhood since my kids are 6 and 7). I'm really hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I think we have all had those days/weeks, etc.

Black Belt Mama

I have a kid with a FedEx sticker about to be put on her ass too. It's called being 2 and man, is my little one doing it well. We're having the same tantrums here (also eating three courses at breakfast with a tantrum at each pause). It's been fabulous. Mine? Throws herself on the floor and then throws nearest object down the stairs. Two is fabulous. Enjoy; I know I am.

the bee

not so bad at 2 or 3 yrs old.
I spent the day w/ a flu ridden 15 yr old who never stopped pitching an unreasonable fit about one thing or another.He even hissed at me at one point.
Love him but would have paid my boss to let me come to work early tonight. Your boy is adorable. So is Matt on a better day.

Linda

I would not trade my kids for anything in the world. I would not have more kids for anything in the world. It's hard work. Hang in there.

birdgal

Um, hi, same situation over here--I often have an uncontrollable urge to yell 'SHUT UP' to my two year old as she whines and writhes and thrashes around on the ground during her tantrums (You want me to ride my bike? HOW DARE YOU WOMAN). It's bugging me out man--though it's good to know that I'm not alone ;).

Imanitsud

my money's on ear infection or constipation. but it could always be just good-old-fashioned orneriness.

also, holding other people's babies is often a good way to kick ovaries into gear...some famous model who's name starts with I said that in some country in Africa, when women are having problems getting pregnant, they hold every little baby they can get their hands on for as long as possible. probably an old wives tale, but it won't hurt (at least, not physically).

hang in there...

Marnie

I vote teething, too. And, even if that's not it, I vote for Motrin. It will at least result in a nice long nap.

My daughter didn't experience tantrums during the Terrible Twos or the Threatening Threes, but 2 minutes after she turned 4 she hit the Fucking Fours. 6 months of inconsolable tantrums, at least every other day. And then, as sunddenly as they came, they went away, and we were left with the little girl we knew before. Didn't know what happened, didn't care.

The point is, it sucked. A lot. MORE than a lot. They're cute for a reason.

bad penguin

Hell, people who didn't even know each other when I started ttc have met, fallen in love and had mutliple children. It's frustrating and it really, really sucks. And yep, even hearing about the tantrum over everything time that Noah's going through wouldn't be enough to change my minda about wanting kids.

Nancy

Ah, this sounds so familiar. Fickle, thy name is toddler. Or is it toddler, thy name is fickle?

Christina

All kids are assholes. I know because I have two - 5 yrs and 18 mos. It gets better and until then I can't recommend motrin and tylenol (I alternate for maximum results) highly enough.

gwendomama

you think this is fun? wait til the fucking fours. you're definitely going to need a xanax scrip.

Pamela

Tantrums are SUCH A PAIN, but then they grin at you and make everything better.

Robin

They don't call it the terrible 2's for nothing afterall.

Kristin

I know you have way too many comments to actually read, but I needed to tell you how your entry made me feel so not alone! My son (19 months) has been doing the same thing for the past three days. I have been tearing my hair out. Finally this morning he saw fit to drool and chomp on his hands so I could figure out that he has a molar coming... or at least teasing us with it's brutality for a few days until it goes away again. Whew. This mom stuff is hard. And yet, at this very moment I'm hoping that I got pregnant this past weekend. (fingers crossed!) So, Mom = Masochistic? So what!
:)

Stephanie D.

OK Amy, for the record, I love your blog. I check it every day for a new post. :)

Now, please take this with the love its intended and don't go all hating on me.

My boys are 18 and 14 years old. I have experience on my side! Yes, they have had tantrums and acted like total jerks sometimes, but I am a firm believer in spanking when the child goes beyond the bounds of rationality! GASP - yes, I said spankings! I believe in them and my children survived them. They understood that they only got to slap, poke or kick Mom ONCE, because if it ever happened again, their world was going was going to come to an end - as they knew it.

Both of my boys are well-rounded, good-natured boys who say "yes ma'am" & "no ma'am" to adults - yes we are southern. ;) I am so proud of both of them and love them dearly.

I know you love/adore/would give your life for Noah, but personally it sounds to me like he needs some MAJOR boundaries set. You cannot give in to a 2, 3, 4, 5, etc. year old EVERY day just cause it is easier for you. Pop that sweet baby on the butt and make him mind.

I SWEAR and PROMISE to you, he will thank you many years from now.

JMHO!

Tracie

Coming out of lurkdom to say...

first, I love you!! I love Noah. You both help me get through my husband's mulitple deployments.

second, it doesn't get better. :) 3's were worse than 2's (although at least I could take him out in public more), and 4's are proving to be worse than 3's. And then there's the teenage years. Sigh.

Della

I can't even comment on this because it brings back horrible memories...if #2 had been born before #1, I never would have had #1. I went to the doctor and told him that either #2 was going on meds or I was hitting the bottle. He put ME on meds.

Nichole

Its official: THIS WEEK TODDLERS SUCK! Mine is Noahs age, and she is being the. same. way. Totally- just melts down for no apparent reason and she just got over being sick....I am expecting a huge growth spurt soon.
I feel ya, amalah!

lindsay

I haven't read the other comments b/c my own 2 year old is pulling a "Noah" right now. In fact, he's been pulling it for almost a week. I'm SO glad I'm not alone in my insanity.

Nicole

Been there, done that, same response as you. Be happy he's not fully ready to communicate in full sentences because you DO NOT want to know what he'd be saying to you. ;)

Jeanelle

You'd think that toddlers were unreasonable, oh wait, they are :-)

Brighton

I'm going with pre-sickness melt down.

Fasten your seat-belt.

Laura

Ahh. The love/hate relationship between mommy and toddler. I know it well. Hopefully Noah's mood has changed even by the time I have this comment posted.

I added a link to you on my fledgling blog. I hope you don't mind.

Milehigh

LOL I remember around my house it was banana-gate. Heaven help the person who peeled the banana when he wanted to peel it, or slice it wrong, or look at the banana wrong. Hell hath no furry like a banana done wrong for a toddler. I still get a nervous twitch when I see bananas.

GHD

I can totally relate to your toddler drama/wanting another one/ can't seem to have another one woes. It's the pits and sometimes I wonder WHY?

But then "someone" smears blackberries all over the sofa and I don't have time to talk to myself anymore...

best of luck to you and yours.

AmandaH

HA HA #10 makes me giggle every! time! Getting caught touching the stove, duh.

Also. That face. My ovaries just exploded.

AmandaH

Annnnd I'm back. I just read some of the comments, and StephanieD's about spankings made me come back and type more, more, more.

Spanking may or may not be a good thing. I (22 year old) was spanked frequently (so! I was kinda bad as a child. Wha?), but I was also threatened to be spanked until I was 22 and moved away. Mainly because the parent who did the spanking (ok, mom.) knew NO other way to deal. Child a brat? Spank. Child thinking of being a brat? Spank. Whatever. It's messed me up, so I don't think spanking is always the appropriate way to discipline.

Just offering the other (the child's) perspective on thaaat.

And, now I'm finished. I comment, what, like three times my entire life. Hi, I'm a n00b let me hijack your comments.

Nicole/wksocmom

Been there, in all senses. I remember the tantrums because mommy went potty when she wasn't supposed to, or visa versa. Can't take that one back. Bonus when it happened at 6am! And then there's the cutting the sandwhich or hotdog. And what I wouldn't give for another.

Kian

Quite possibly February is "Tantrum Month" because my 2 1/2 year old and 9 month old sons have become childrenfromhellwhomIdonotrecognizeatall.

Carrie

Ok, welcome to MY world! For the last FEW WEEKS my son has thrown the same nonsense fits. I like to compare him to the likes of a 13 year old girl. Mean I know, but he has emotional breakdowns like one!! Also, the jammies thing, I was woken up at 3am by screaming...I mean absolute blood curdling screaming and when I went in there to find out what the culprit was, it was his superman jammies shirt. He wanted it OFF, and then when the shirt was taken off of his body, he started screaming "put shirt ON". So, needless to say, I completely understand! I think it might just be the age? Or teeth, I like to use teeth as a reason for most unexplainable behavior!!!

Carrie

Ok, welcome to MY world! For the last FEW WEEKS my son has thrown the same nonsense fits. I like to compare him to the likes of a 13 year old girl. Mean I know, but he has emotional breakdowns like one!! Also, the jammies thing, I was woken up at 3am by screaming...I mean absolute blood curdling screaming and when I went in there to find out what the culprit was, it was his superman jammies shirt. He wanted it OFF, and then when the shirt was taken off of his body, he started screaming "put shirt ON". So, needless to say, I completely understand! I think it might just be the age? Or teeth, I like to use teeth as a reason for most unexplainable behavior!!!

DQ

Sounds familiar. Yes, it could be a sickness, or the precurser to a growth spurt. I have noticed the same things in my own children. A vocab spike, a new skill, teeth, sick, or "I just realized there are bunch of things I don't understand or can't do just yet!" frustration. But, it definitely sounds the same in our house. I have a 5yo, 3yo and 1yo. 'Tis a zoo.

Zu

Nope, this entry is not bizarre at all. Been there, done that, bought the damn t-shirt. It gets better for a while and then they are irrational whiny cranky tired teenagers, who moan and bitch at you while simultaneously asking for money and a car. No, not the station wagon its an old people car. A "good" car that doesn't look stupid(insert dramatic eyeroll here). So much fun. All kids are assholes sometimes and any parent who says their little darling is never an asshole is either delusional or lying or their child is still a newborn. No assvice, except this - wine. Lots of wine. In a big glass.

Dinia

OMG, I totally know how you feel and I understand you completely. The other day, following a very unbecoming meltdown by my nine-month old baby girl who has now starting biting when she nurses (owie!), I, in turn, freaked out at my husband b/c I never get time to work (I'm a grad student). In the same freak-out I complained that I wanted to have another baby and his fear of conception (he's a grad student too) was thwarting my plans....AAARRGH. Poor guy didn't know which message to receive.

Bonne chance, chère Amy!

redd

i TOTALLY cried at that last line.
ash (who's 22 months) is being the same way. tantrum after tantrum. i know how it feels to be worn out, i just blame it on terrible twos (which he hasn't even hit yet) and hope it doesn't last long.
has noah made you watch cars yet? if the answer is no, don't be stupid and let him. i have quite literally watched "cool cars" back to back 12 hours a day for 3 weeks. i wish i was lying.
eat the candy you offered noah and try and pretend you're on a beach somewhere far far FAR away

April

Im there. Im with you. Kid, screams and freaks out over everything possible! Screams for a cookie, you give her a cookie, she throws it and says "NO I WANT CANDY!"
She not only wants ONE cookie, she MUST have TWO cookies, one for each hand. But than, wait? How am I to OPEN the cookie when both of my hands are filled with cookies. She throws said cookies and melts into a form of jello on the floor.

My life in a nutshell.
PS. She has all her teeth.

teachergirl

Sweetie, Drama's real name is teenager. Just hang on and you'll see........

andreapaventi

My kids, besides going through stages where they act like assholes, do this when they are about to get really sick. Perhaps this is the case?

kit

Always have another so that you can better roll your eyes when you see the same act all over again. Like, "your brother already went bat-shit over his pj's and smashed his head on the same floor. Get a little more original".
I have 4 now, and have seen the SAME thing repeated either at 2 or 3 yrs old. Then, they (pretty much) go back to normal.

Sara

It's not a phase, unless you consider "childhood" a phase. When we're at Target and my 4 year old does his thing, I hide from him...totally jump in the clothes rounder and hide. Think about how often you have a shitty day (or days) and want to cry or throw something for no apparent reason. It happens to the best of us.

When my son's going through it we read "Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day" and he feels a little better.

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