Re: I Lost 10 Pounds in 24 Hours!! Ask Me How!!!1!

Within an hour of publishing Tuesday's post, I very suddenly came down with that stomach bug Noah had last week. (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT.) (Come on, you know I managed to pee on a stick in the middle of all the nausea, right?) (Also, what a weird phrase "came down with" is. Like instead of saying what really happened, which is that I very suddenly puked my guts out, I make it sound like I was a contestant on the Price is Right.)

Anyway. I am not sure if this has been established in my illustrious history of oversharing with the Internet, but I DO NOT DO SICK WELL. I am a magnificent baby about being sick. Just...spectacular. I immediately called Jason to inform him of the immediate need to get his ass home, and also got in a good 10 minutes of whining about my injuries and my knees and how my injuries and my knees where making the whole thing so much worse because have you ever tried to crouch around the toilet with broke-ass tore-up knees?

(Seriously, but my knees are killing me. The scrapes gave way to bruises in all colors of the rainbow that creep down my legs to my ankles, plus I managed a good sprain-ish twisting of the left one, and I never even showed you my palms and wrists, and in summary: TREMENDOUS WAH.)

Luckily, it was indeed a 24-hour bug of some kind, and after 25 hours of moaning and a love-hate relationship with sips of water ("well, I kept that last sip down okay and I'm just SO THRISTY, maybe I'm up for a real grown-up size swallow?" *gulp* "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.") -- the clouds parted and lo, there was an instant and insatiable desire for a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe two.

And that was my day! How was yours? All this and more, I hope.

(Noah's bedside manner just may be the best ever, though. He combed my hair and helpfully suggested that some Blue's Clues might cheer me up. Such a giver, this one.)

Monkey On My Back (oh, don't worry, I've still got a zillion monkey-puns left)

(I've typed this out twice in the comments but just to make it totally Crystal-Pepsi-Clear: when I said "strong opinions" I did NOT mean "asshole opinions." I meant it more like, HOLY SHIT, there were close to 300 comments on what I thought was a REALLY BORING TOPIC. There was no draaaaahmaaa, other than a couple obvious trolls who got themselves deleted because they were obvious trolls who made no sense because trolls never make sense because they live under bridges and probably don't qualify for library cards.

There were comments I agreed with and a couple I didn't but even the most assvice-y of the comments were written respectfully and coherently. I was definitely more interested in your personal stories, but I am aware that "hey, tell me what YOU did" often gets mistranslated out here as "hey, tell me what YOU think I should do" and the conflicting advice starts flowing like wine and honestly in the end all that wine makes me sleepy.)

(HOWEVER!)

(THE IRONY STARTS HERE!)

So I was carrying Noah out to the car earlier today when my foot slipped on the edge of the sidewalk leading up to our house and my ankle twisted and I fell down and over the concrete steps and I dropped Noah on his back and his head hit the pavement and and my knees skidded on the pavement and he is fine and I am fine except that I look like this:

If they were LOLegs, I bet the caption would be something like: HAR HAR IMPECKABLE TIMING! or NOM NOM NOM GRAVEL! or MY POETIC JUSTICE: LET ME SHOW U IT.

Wow. So. Okay.

1) Very strong opinions in the house re: carrying your toddler.

2) Surprise! I have very strong opinions about your very strong opinions.

3) Super-extra-goddamn surprise! I would like to share my very strong opinions with you.

4) SURPRISE OF THE CENTURY! I cannot share them today, because I need to leave this very second for the Monthly-ish Mamapop Excellence in Entrepreneurialship Summit (in the Generalized Field of Excellence), and if I do not deliver Noah into the worshiped presence of a certain precocious five-year-old SOON there will be hell to pay.

5) However, since I need to close comments on that entry before my head shoots straight off my shoulders and lands in a smoking heap on the floor (after ricocheting off the still-there nipple lamp), let's find something we can all agree on in the meantime.

Your choices:

a) Little boys and long eyelashes, the unfairness of; or

b) Amy's slaved-over daffodil bulbs, the complete dumbassness of.