11 Weeks
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A Story That I Will Never Ever Tell Anyone, Except Perhaps the Entire Internet

I just left a comment on a friend's blog -- seriously, like five minutes ago -- and the comment involved one of Those Stories. Those Stories are the stories that are too embarrassing to tell on my own blog. Obviously, I don't have many of Those Stories, because I don't have much shame. It's been well-established that I am a thumping idiot who regularly assaults the very idea of human dignity, so why hold back further evidence to the blog's thesis? That's just not how I do things around here. I am way scientific.

Occasionally I meet people and realize that wow, it IS kind of awkward when I'm all, "So what's your dog's name?" and they're all, "I remember the time your dog jumped into your toilet! That was hilarious!" But I usually get over that, and chances are even if you DON'T read my blog you've heard the toilet dog story, because I like to tell that one at fancy dinner parties.

But! Anyway! My point is, at one time in my life I had standards and would not stoop to completely humiliating myself just for the sake of a blog entry, and 1) that time is past, having ended sometime around the whole "pooping on the delivery table", and 2) I had a really, really boring weekend.

So. Flashback! I'm about 30-odd weeks pregnant with Noah. I am sitting innocently in my office, tapping away on my computer for totally-for-sure work-related reasons, when a coworker stops by to chat. She says something funny. Not like, HAW HAW HAW stop-I-can't-breathe funny, but funny.

And I laugh.

And I pee my pants.

And I don't mean a little achoo! related leakage. I mean the absolute worst-case scenario of breathtaking incontinence. It's soaking my clothes and my chair and I can feel it running down my legs and pantyhose and oh my God, it's making a SOUND as it's dripping onto the plastic mat under my desk.

So I did the only thing I could think to do, given the circumstances. I kept talking to my friend as if nothing had happened at all. Only LOUDER, just to drown out the suspicious drippy noises.

About 10 minutes later she left and I dove at the door and slammed it shut, and then spun around to confront the horror. What to do what to do what to do?

SO YOU'VE GONE AND PEED YOURSELF AT WORK:

1) Crank up the air-conditioning unit, sit on it.

2) Attempt to formulate plan.

3) Survey contents of office in terms of absorbency. Tissues? Useless. Secret stash of horded restaurant napkins? Yes! 300 back issues of various financial newsletters? MacGuyver says HELL YES.

4) Paper the damn floor like you're preparing for the damn PuppyBowl.

5) When ass is sufficiently chilled and dry-ish from sitting on the air conditioner, strip off pantyhose, shove in purse, and poke head out of office and make a mad dash for the office kitchen.

     5a) If kitchen is occupied, sit down in nearest chair and pretend to contemplate nearest Chinese takeout menu with GREAT INTEREST.

     5b) If kitchen is vacant, make a beeline for the storage cabinet and grab several rolls of paper towels.

6) Dash back to office. Weep, for yes, this is what your life has come to.

7) Re-paper the floor and create an ample paper-towel cushion for chair.

8) Oh, you have to pee again? OF COURSE YOU DO. Maybe someone will give you an M&M if you make it to the potty like a big girl this time!

9) The next day, smuggle in sponge, scrub brush, antibacterial spray, Woolite and bottle of Febreze to work in your purse.

10) Stash extra paper towels in bottom desk drawer for remainder of pregnancy.

Whew. That felt good to finally confess. I feel like I really helped some people today. Good work. And I'm one step closer to that lucrative banner campaign from Depends.

However, to any of my former coworkers: Uh, no! That's totally not my chair you're using now. I...uh, heard they got rid of it. Yes. They sent it upstate to live on a farm. With the other chairs and the puppies.

Comments

kathy

...and we both know who we HOPE got the chair....(in case they didn't send it upstate with the puppies..........)

Some People Call Me Mom

I laughed AND felt completely mortified on your behalf.

That said - have you thought about comprising Amalah's top 10 posts or something. I'm pretty sure if there was voting that this and the Bobby Flay post would be in the 1 and 2 spots.

Nina

You're so lucky you had an office with a door. I kept picturing a cubicle and thinking...oh NO!

I didn't have any issues the first time around, but this time...every single time I laugh or sneeze I have to consciously hold my pee in. It's horrible. I've had little leakages, but nothing major yet. But I'm scared to laugh now.

Sharona

Ok, I'm a lurker, have been for awhile. But I'm delurking to say that was frickin hilarious! I needed a good laugh today! thanks!

Meg

Aaaagh! So funny! And I had a sneeze experience like that, but it was at my in-law's house. Let's just say I'm glad they have a good sense of humor.

yeahright

I also wet myself *in shorts* (so you could actually see it happening) whilst talking to a girl in my dorm 1st year of college. She was such a talker, caught me on the way to the bathroom, I had a UTI and I just couldn't hold it! Needless to say, that friendship never happened.

adair

what i really need to know is -- what did you do with your clothes!??!

tadpoledrain

Heh. OK, I have never been pregnant, nor have I gone through menopause, so I have no excuse. I did have a 3-month bout of INSANE coughing some years ago that I think I am going to blame for permanently weakening my bladder control (I went through more pads during those 3 months than I think I have the rest of my life), because otherwise I have no excuse. Pretty much all the time when I sneeze or cough I pee just a little. But I have also full-on peed myself while throwing up, while jumping on a trampoline, and while laughing hysterically watching Crossroads. Good times.

Jem

I read all the comments for once! Did Stephanie get Caroline's old chair? The stories link up!

I think you're brave for writing this Amy, and I appreciate it...I always think of you as one of those girls who can do no wrong, and although this is not wrong, its helpful to know that you're human too! (Well I sound dumb. Of course you're human. But you know.)

I've never been pregnant, but I do remember peeing myself during a violin rehearsal with a large group of other kids. I just remember I really needed to go, so I just went. Haha. I remember my poor Mum dragging me out and taking me to the bathroom.

Tam

OMG! You're freakin' hysterical. Nothing like actually laughing out loud when reading someone's blog and having people around me wonder if I'm losing my mind.

Marcy

I've been reading your site for quite some time and I must admit, you are hysterical and lovely. Now I am delurking to share this...it's good to know others have suffered through the same.

This happened to me on my front porch while trying to unlock my door. My friend was making me laugh and I emptied my bladder, soaked my shoes...the whole shebang. Except I wasn't pregnant, I was a 21 year old junior in COLLEGE. My gosh...that things I have to look forward to in the years to come...I should just put on a diaper now.

Arly... sometimes known as chickentherapy

That was a classic. I have been reading from RSSfeed for the last year and some and never get around commmenting (I figure my one little comment will get lost in the other thousand) but this was awesome. Very proud of you for sharing and those were some of the funniest comments I've ever read. Deffinately going to remember the water bottle trick if Im ever pregnant!

Candy

All I could do was imagine what you would have done if you were in a cubicle, instead of an office with a door.

Lindz

Man, I am secretly reading your blog in class and busted out laughing! oops.
that made my day!

Colleen

someone warned me while I was still smallishly pregnant to keep an old towel in the car...mostly in case my water broke, but um, it came in handy while stuck in the lovely DC traffic with no where to turn off.
oh, and I'm sure you got 10 dozen people who shared this already, but if you puke up more whole DHA prenatals, you could probably take those ones from Enfamil instead of messing with the multi-vitamin/DHA two-fers. Relatively inexpensive, too...like $10 or $12 for 30 fishy pills. :)

Mrs. Flinger

Having not read any of the four million-teen comments above, I can tell you I laughed a little too much reading this and almost wet myself right here. Sitting here. No baby in mah belly. (Just a latte and tight pants which is the same? No? Sigh)

Makenna

Okay, Im cracking up at work.. your killing me

Makenna

Okay, Im cracking up at work.. your killing me

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