A Story That I Will Never Ever Tell Anyone, Except Perhaps the Entire Internet
March 31, 2008
I just left a comment on a friend's blog -- seriously, like five minutes ago -- and the comment involved one of Those Stories. Those Stories are the stories that are too embarrassing to tell on my own blog. Obviously, I don't have many of Those Stories, because I don't have much shame. It's been well-established that I am a thumping idiot who regularly assaults the very idea of human dignity, so why hold back further evidence to the blog's thesis? That's just not how I do things around here. I am way scientific.
Occasionally I meet people and realize that wow, it IS kind of awkward when I'm all, "So what's your dog's name?" and they're all, "I remember the time your dog jumped into your toilet! That was hilarious!" But I usually get over that, and chances are even if you DON'T read my blog you've heard the toilet dog story, because I like to tell that one at fancy dinner parties.
But! Anyway! My point is, at one time in my life I had standards and would not stoop to completely humiliating myself just for the sake of a blog entry, and 1) that time is past, having ended sometime around the whole "pooping on the delivery table", and 2) I had a really, really boring weekend.
So. Flashback! I'm about 30-odd weeks pregnant with Noah. I am sitting innocently in my office, tapping away on my computer for totally-for-sure work-related reasons, when a coworker stops by to chat. She says something funny. Not like, HAW HAW HAW stop-I-can't-breathe funny, but funny.
And I laugh.
And I pee my pants.
And I don't mean a little achoo! related leakage. I mean the absolute worst-case scenario of breathtaking incontinence. It's soaking my clothes and my chair and I can feel it running down my legs and pantyhose and oh my God, it's making a SOUND as it's dripping onto the plastic mat under my desk.
So I did the only thing I could think to do, given the circumstances. I kept talking to my friend as if nothing had happened at all. Only LOUDER, just to drown out the suspicious drippy noises.
About 10 minutes later she left and I dove at the door and slammed it shut, and then spun around to confront the horror. What to do what to do what to do?
SO YOU'VE GONE AND PEED YOURSELF AT WORK:
1) Crank up the air-conditioning unit, sit on it.
2) Attempt to formulate plan.
3) Survey contents of office in terms of absorbency. Tissues? Useless. Secret stash of horded restaurant napkins? Yes! 300 back issues of various financial newsletters? MacGuyver says HELL YES.
4) Paper the damn floor like you're preparing for the damn PuppyBowl.
5) When ass is sufficiently chilled and dry-ish from sitting on the air conditioner, strip off pantyhose, shove in purse, and poke head out of office and make a mad dash for the office kitchen.
5a) If kitchen is occupied, sit down in nearest chair and pretend to contemplate nearest Chinese takeout menu with GREAT INTEREST.
5b) If kitchen is vacant, make a beeline for the storage cabinet and grab several rolls of paper towels.
6) Dash back to office. Weep, for yes, this is what your life has come to.
7) Re-paper the floor and create an ample paper-towel cushion for chair.
8) Oh, you have to pee again? OF COURSE YOU DO. Maybe someone will give you an M&M if you make it to the potty like a big girl this time!
9) The next day, smuggle in sponge, scrub brush, antibacterial spray, Woolite and bottle of Febreze to work in your purse.
10) Stash extra paper towels in bottom desk drawer for remainder of pregnancy.
Whew. That felt good to finally confess. I feel like I really helped some people today. Good work. And I'm one step closer to that lucrative banner campaign from Depends.
However, to any of my former coworkers: Uh, no! That's totally not my chair you're using now. I...uh, heard they got rid of it. Yes. They sent it upstate to live on a farm. With the other chairs and the puppies.
Awesomeness! I kind of thought that story was going to veer into panties-in-the-microwave territory when you headed into the office kitchen, and whoa, am I really glad it didn't.
Because if you think microwave popcorn smells bad? Well. I don't know anything about what wet panties in the microwave smells like.
You practically made ME pee my pants with "Maybe someone will give you an M&M if you make it to the potty like a big girl this time!" and the line about the chair farm. I'm so sorry that happened, but dang, you make it sound funny.
Oh my GOD. I was bawling from laughing so hard and then I read the comments. What Missie said about Bobby Flay made me snort three times.
ooh, that's bad. But I think I can beat it. Similar scenario, except I WASN'T PREGNANT. I was just really, really drunk. And in a crowded elevator. yeah.
Taking chronic competitiveness to a new level: I pissed my pants worse (better?) than you did!
ok, so being infertile DOES have a silver lining! These things just don't happen when you adopt in China!
and I'm pretty sure we share a friend...
Oh dear. I almost pissed on my sofa. Thank you for the funniest thing I've read in weeks, if not months. Hell, that was probably the funniest thing ever.
The comments on your 11 weeks post are closed, but I wanted to let you know that I did the exact same thing with the little doplar thingy-ba-bob. Except I still have mine. And I will definitely not be using it in the future. It's yours if you want it. Just drop me an email and let me know.
Oh darlin, I can so relate. So I'm about 22 weeks pregnant, and in my doctors office, because I feel deathly ill, like I have a fever, and my skin is going to burst like a baked potato. This is my first pregnancy, and I'm stuck between a pregnant lady who is at 32 weeks, and has been having contractions since 6 am, and another pregnant lady who has her one year old with her and... ooh god, I'm gonna be sick, right now. So I make it to the bathroom, and am vomiting into the sink, and then, I'm also, simultaneously peeing my pants. As you put it, soaking myself, pee running down my leg, wetting myself. And all I can think is, this has got to be one of the lowest points in my life. And Bébé, you had better be worth it. And I know it will be worth it, but I can only hope I have the restraint not to bring this particular story up at some socially inappropriate time to throw in Bébé's face, such as when he/she is 13 and trying to impress the friends, and... well, let's just pray that self-restraint better be mama's new best friend!!
When you stop birthing babies and start approaching menopause, you're going to have lots of blog material.
NEVER loved you more.
Nah - if you were truly at the point of total-humiliation-for-the-sake-of-the-blog, this entry would have been accompanied by pictures of the offending puddle and a pile of soggy newsletters (both with witty captions, naturally).
Laughing so hard! I linked to this from my blog.
I peed after I had two kids and was trying to be cool and join the kids on one of those big jump zone inflatable things. I jumped twice and bolted for the bathroom.
As I sat out the rest of the time, I noticed mom after mom doing the same thing. It became the running joke!
So much for all those kegals!!
Gah, I feel your pain. I never had such a, ahem, awkward experience, but let's just say I learned the hard way to wear pads the last few weeks of my pregnancy. The one really bad time I had was the one time I was sick (I know, I know, don't throw things at me) while pregnant. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was lurched over the bowl puking, I started peeing on myself at the same time, but of course I couldn't do anything about it because of the barfing. Oh, the cruel paralysis. To add more fluids to the mix, I cried the whole time I cleaned up the floor.
Thanks for sharing. You know this kid's gonna be worth it!
Seriously, how are you so funny?
I almost just peed my non-pregnant pants reading that. However, I did just find this post especially ironic (for me to be reading) since I just drafted a post asking the moms who read my blog to give me reasons NOT to worry about pregnancy and childbirth. So... thanks?
Peeing in chair right now.
The scene: 29 weeks with kid #3. At work, on the sales floor, wearing a cute navy blue maternity suit, pantyhose and navy blue heels.
Act I: I turn and walk away from a display and I feel a little "wet spot" like I had peed a little. I head to the ladies room and stash some REALLY scratchy paper towels in my undies.
Act II: I head back to the floor and with each step, it gets worse. I head back for more paper towels.
Act III: Coworker banging on bathroom door demanding to know what's wrong and if I'm okay. I tell that there's something wrong with my bladder because every time I move, I pee. She talks me into coming out and calling my OB.
Act IV: I call my OB, tell her my bladder is broken, she tells me to come right in.
Act V: I shuffle to my car with WADS of scratchy paper towels under my skirt. My shoes are now doing the "squish-squish" with each step and my stockings are turning blue from the dye in my shoes. Drive self to OB while barefooted because shoes are too slippery to operate pedals.
Act VI: Slink into OB's office wearing squishy shoes and ask receptionist if I could PLEASE skip the waiting room. Throw away pantyhose in Biohazard can.
Act VII: Doc examines me and proclaims, "You weren't pissing yourself, asshole. YOUR WATER BROKE."
Act VII: Oops. Drive self to hospital.
The End.
Wow. Google reader recommended your blog to me and I am so glad. The second I read that your dog jumped in the toilet, I immediately searched "toilet dog" on your search bar and read the story. EXACT same things happened to us. Dear husband was peeing with the door open and I was playing with the new puppy on the bed. She was all excited, jumped off the bed, went to jump on my husband and landed right in the toilet bowl. Of course she didn't stop there, my husband lifted her out and she proceeded to run all through the house.
That was fun. But anyways, long story short, I look forward to reading more of your blog
It's been 10 months and a million Kegels since I gave birth to my 3rd child...and I'm still having peeing issues when I sneeze.
I don't think my pelvic floor will ever been the same...or my living room floor...or my recliner...
Is it sad that I instantly knew what friend an what post you were referencing?
I now have to go disinfect my work chair, just in case.
Amy, that was hysterical. I love your stories. And I also really, really loved Dani's story up there. Especially the doctor's comment. ;)
This is priceless.
I'm posting this one anonymous for obvious reasons.
My assistant is the only one who knows the story.
I had a stomach virus but had to come into the office. I always get to the office hours before anyone else. I'm riding the subway and my stomach starts to knot. I commute on the subway for an hour and by the time I reach my office building my stomach is severely cramping and I'm sweating. I make it into the office building and the flood gates open right by the cocierge desk, which is unoccupied since it is off hours. My undies are muddy and I'm dripping into my sneakers. I clench my butt cheeks and leave a trail to the elevator. I drop my bag by my office (which is directly across from the restroom) and clench my butt while I open the first door to the bathroom. I'm drenched in sweat and as I reach for the second door all hell breaks loose. I strip out of my pants, panties and sneakers. Dash back to my office for the Lysol, Fantastic and a bag with two pairs of slacks I forgot to take home several months ago. Drop soiled clothes into trash bin and tie the bag closed. Wash sneakers in the sink. Scrub floor and self. Put on clean, unhemmed pants. My assistant helped me hem the other pants when she got in.
Is this real or an April Fool's? Cos I am just never ever having a baby if it's true. Honestly, why do more people not tell you this stuff...oh wait, cos then we'd never have babies.
I went through two packages of the super-duper thick (diaper sized) maxi pads last week with a cough. And they still weren't enough. There were days I changed my pants FIVE TIMES in ONE DAY even with the maxi pads.
So yeah - been there. But I haven't quite been brave enough to tell the internet yet. (grin)
I think *I* may have peed just a little from laughing while I was reading that. And yes, I have to admit that, if it was me, there'd be a tiny little part of my brain thinking, "Well, on the upside, at least one day I'll be able to blog this..."
Thank the Lord that you had your own office, though. Me, I've only ever worked in open plan offices. With people. Some of whom were men. Oh the horror, the horror...
And I thought I had it tough when I went through a phase as a child where if something funny startled me and made me laugh I would pee my pants- as long as, of course, I was not at home...so I'd have to rush to the bathroom and put wadded-up toilet paper in my undies. And it wouldn't matter if I had gone to the bathroom just minutes before. *sigh*
That hasn't happened in quite a while...but now I know from your post and the comments that things could not only be worse but spectacularly worse! :)
Uh, did you used to work in Oklahoma? Because *after* they gave me my chair, one of the IT guys mentioned some previous employee peed in it one time because she was stuck on a phonecall. Thanks a lot, new job, for providing me with the best equipment available.
Maybe Depends should start marketing professional chair liners?
I wished that kind of thing only happened when you were pregnant...I've peed myself since too, although not quite that bad!
I was in a bad mood and then read this...I cannot stop smiling. Thank you for turning my morning around and reminding me that I should take that trip to the bathroom now!
This was truly laugh-out-loud fun.
Thanks for sharing.
That was hilarious.
I, too, have peed myself before.
Several times.
In front of my friends in both high school and college from laughing too much.
I hate to see what would become of me if I ever got preggers!!!
Don't think of it as humiliating yourself for the sake of a blog entry... think of it as selflessly sacrificing your own dignity to assure the rest of us that yes, this shit really does happen to the best of us. :) Long time lurker, first time commenter. Love your site, I really do. You never fail to make me randomly laugh aloud, much to the confusion of my co-workers.
I have two stories. The first was when I was having terrible bowel issues from a medication I was taking, and had to go pick up more medication at the pharmacy. While waiting for my drugs, the "urge" hit and I asked where was the restroom. Surprise, it's not in the pharmacy at all, but in the clinic next door! So I started the long trek across the parking lot - stubbed my toe on a rough spot in the asphalt, and lost it. I'd had no idea up to then that the toe was connected to the sphincter.
The second story is funny now, although at the time it was infuriating. I ride the bus to work, and sometimes the ride seems longer than others, and I usually really need to pee by the time I get off. Like NOW! So on this one particular evening I had gotten off, not at home, but at the grocery store, and I knew that first thing I was going to have to use their bathroom. As usual, when you really need to pee and you see the toilet, it makes the urge almost uncontrollable. I walked into the grocery store restroom, saw the toilet, thought "I need to hurry" and not wanting to put my bag on the less-than-spotless floor, simply tossed it into the sink with one hand while unbuttoning pants with the other. Sat down, felt the blessed relief - only to realize that their sink had one of the faucets that turns on when you pass something underneath it, and it was filling my purse as I sat there. I could do nothing but sit there peeing and watching my purse fill.
Good to know - with this second pregnancy I've had a little achoo-related leakage which I DID NOT HAVE the first time. Like a Girl Scout, I will be prepared as I get more and more pregnant.
Also I don't feel so alone now. =b
Aaaaaand commence Kegle workout.
This is why I love your blog. You make me laugh. I love the Puppy Bowl comment the best. I thought it was embarrassing when my water broke and I had a huge wet spot on my jeans and was dripping on the floor of the ER.
I have had moments of public incontinence, but you haven't lived until you've waited for the breath between "In Jesus' Name" and "Amen" in a large, acoustically sound church to fart. Trust me.
I too have peed my pants. Uh, I mean, when I was pregnant. Yes, 100% completely pregnant and never again did it happen after that....
I haven't commented in a long long time (because really, what's the point when 1000 people get there before me and say everything I could possibly say), but I have to tell you how much I love you for posting this. It made may day, seriously. I can't tell you how much I needed the laugh. And how good it is to know that there are people in the world who are a)so fucking funny and b) so willing to completely humiliate themselves for my entertainment.
Love ya.
Luckily, I had just gone to the bathroom before reading that entry. As I sit here at the office at 31 weeks pg.
I'm 16 weeks pregnant, and this might be the scariest thing I've ever read.
So what kind of purse were you carrying, a mail sack?!
Umm, I can't say I full on peed my pants in public, but a little trickle here and there during pregnancy is true. However, whenever I throw-up, I tend to pee at the same time. Kind of hard to throw-up and pee in the toilet at the same time. Oh well, such as life and pregnancy. Take the good with the bad and the embarrassing.
I'm having a bad day and Jill said I had to come read your entry and feel better. So I did, because who's going to disobey Jill? Not me.
It was funny in that special horrifying way that ends up being uplifting. Plus, it gives me new fodder for when I'm lying awake thinking "How Would I Handle This Situation?"
Y'all are scaring the hell out of me. Apparently this is par for the course, this whole pissing-yourself-while-pregnant thing. Note to future self: stock up on Depends.
Oh no! Poor you! You must have been frantic.
But so funny!
I pissed myself once during an assembly in High School. It was one of those "hypnotists." he was hysterical, I was hysterical and doh~ all over the bleachers. Always wear a cardie. Take it off, wrap it around your waist. Done.
Basically, you crack me the hell up. :)
Hi Amy,
A former co-worker here delurking to say hello! It's JoLynn - may I have been the co-worker to have dropped by? I doubt it because I am not that funny. Anyway, I think of you often and would like to get back in touch! Miss you.
Before I married him, my husband made me laugh so hard that I peed. All over the kitchen floor. And then I burst into tears. I married him anyway.
Once I was doing an interview that I'd been working to get for MONTHS with a Very Important and Rather Uncooperative Subject. We'd been on the phone for just a bit when I realized I Had To Go, Baaaad. But I had to stay on the phone. If we stopped the interview, it might be another month before I'd hear from him again, and my deadline was very close. It got worse and worse by the minute. I was sweating! I was shaking! I was doomed!
Thank goodness for trash cans.