Baby Legs and Everything In Between
March 21, 2008
I had my first dream about the baby this week. I was frantically ordering baby gear from Amazon at the last minute (note to self: we already have a swing and a crib aquarium, but we do need BATTERIES. you cannot parent without BATTERIES) when it was suddenly time for my scheduled c-section, and then suddenly someone handed me the baby. A big fat naked baby boy, who nursed easily and awesomely, and was just about the cutest thing ever, although he looked nothing like Noah. And oh my GOD, his thighs. I couldn't stop squishing them. I loved him completely, and was sorry to wake up and remember that October is still a long time away.
I had baby dreams all the time when I was pregnant with Noah, but never NICE dreams. They always involved the baby not being human, or us being woefully unprepared for his arrival (I still remember one where we were desperately trying to buy a carseat, and I lost the baby in an endless sea of racks of Washington Redskins sweatshirts.) The baby was always a boy, even before we knew we were having a boy, although I wonder if that was just another shade of anxiety, since I was pretty scared about having a boy.
I woke up and told Jason that we're having another boy, and he harrumphed and said he'd believe it when he saw it -- why is it that mothers (or fine, JUST ME) get all hand-wringy about daring to have a gender preference and fathers are perfectly okay with wanting one or the other? (Jason wants a girl. He claims it's because he doesn't want "us" to get tempted into having a third child in order to have a girl, like DUDE. I don't know where he gets this "we" and "us" business because I am perfectly happy with being the sole princess in a houseful of boys, but Jason is suddenly going ga-ga over the little striped tights in the girls' clothing section.)
(Okay, I do love the tights too. But Noah has this pair of barely-worn baby Pumas that KILL. ME. Oh! And this little corduroy blazer and a pageboy cap! Plus, I just plain love baby boys.)
(OKAY! I would love to have a daughter. I don't care! I just don't want to throw up any more! I am easy to please!)
We're getting the nuchal translucency screening done in about two weeks and my doctor dangled out the possibility that, thanks to his new-fangled fancy 4D ultrasound machine, that we MIGHT be able to get a pretty decent guess at the sex. (Mr. Google tells me the 4D ultrasounds can correctly identify boy or girl parts at the end of the first trimester about 85% of the time.) Part of me is like, YEEHAW, SPREAD 'EM, FETUS, while another tiny part of me is wondering what it would be like to NOT find out this time.
On the one hand, I don't feel like Noah's birth was any less OH MY GOD MY BABY! because we knew he was a boy and were even 99.99999% sure of his name. Hell, we even knew what he was going to look like. And since I did have a slight preference for a girl (for dumb reasons that I've already covered), I felt like I needed to know ahead of time to make sure I wouldn't have that twinge of disappointment when a boy popped out. (Totally lame fear, I know, but clearly I had MASSIVE doubt in my mothering skills and instincts last time.)
On the other hand, I don't have a preference this time. The guessing game is sort-of fun even if it drives me nuts with the relentless pointlessness of it all. (Yesterday at Noah's mock preschool therapy thing another mother had me and another pregnant woman hold her three-month-old, since in her culture there's an old wives tale that says how infants react to a pregnant woman can predict the gender.) (Verdict: he cried when I held him [boy, and therefore his rival], settled down when the other mother held him [girl, and therefore his sweetheart]). I doubt I have the self-control to not find out since it's just so EASY, what with the ultrasound machine being six inches from me at every prenatal appointment from here on out.
On the other other hand, since I know there's a very good chance this pregnancy will end with a shockingly anti-climatic scheduled c-section, maybe not knowing the sex is my way of injecting a little bit of excitement and drama into the proceedings.
What do you guys think? Any experience with both finding out vs. not finding out? Totally worth it or just still sort of OH MY GOD MY BABY! either way?
And...um...how the heck would I break this to Jason who is completely and totally unaware this crazy idea is rattling around in my brain and thinks we're definitely going to find out, and how would I go about changing his mind by 9:40 am on April 9th?
hhhmmmmm does Jason read your blog?
I have pets - no kids. I'm no help.
You can always just go with a green or yellow design scheme and be surprised. lol
OMG! How can you NOT know....we went for the grandbaby mine scan and it hid its junk behind the cord, we all but wept for 8 whole weeks til we saw cute baby again and it is a BOY and he will be Joshua and do we care that we already know and can't stand to wait to see him and kiss his little face and gawk at those little bendy legs? Nah....I say find out, I can't imagine anyone giving birth and saying " Oh *yawn* how old, yes, we know its a boy/girl, how tedious!" Besides, we all need to know, please don't make us wait!
i don't know if i could stand the suspense myself...i've never had kids, but i'm the type that pesters and snoops until i figure out what i'm getting for my birthday...and this is a MUCH bigger deal than that!
but then again i can see how it would be fun to guess and use all the old wives' tales and stuff to see who was right on d-day...hmmm
how bout if jason finds out, and lets all of us know, but keeps it from you if you want to stay in the dark? i want to know!!! hehe
Since I don't have kids of my own, but watch a lot of VH1 "Reality" TV, you could do what Scott Baio and his fiance did... have the doctor put the results in a sealed envelope and only open it when/if you decide to do so. Personally, that would make me crazy with curiosity, even if at the start of it I wanted to be surprised; but I'm just trying to throw you another option!
Jules
House of Jules
I didn't want to know with either of my kids. I considered it my little present to myself to be totally surprised when they popped out. Although with my second pregnancy, my doctor goofed up and said "him" when we were listening to the heartbeat, and then tried to cover up with "oh, I always say him!" So I chose to believe that she hadn't messed and given away the surprise, and surprise! We had a boy! Plus, I had so much fun torturing the grandparents with not knowing...
it's a surprise whenever you find out...we found out with Ollie and that day went out and bought boy bedding, so it was a fun way to enjoy finding out.
it's a surprise whenever you find out - early or when the baby is born...we found out early with Ollie and that day went out and bought boy bedding, so it was a fun way to enjoy finding out.
I'm pregnant with my second child too, a few weeks behind you. And there is no way I could not find out the gender. I would spend the last half of the pregnancy in an anxiety induced panic. Besides, the gender makes it seem to real to me. It would be the biggest surprise of your life though...if you could handle the suspense.
sorry. didn't mean to post twice...and now a third time.
:-)
I only have one and agree that knowing didnt take away from the moment he arrived. I didnt have a 3 or 4d us so meeting him was plenty for us. I love the idea of the suprise but cant wait 40 stinking weeks for it. Pregnancy stinks, you deserve a mid way prize.
I've had 3 pgs make it to delivery. With the first, my DH wanted to know and I didn't, so I used my "the one who sacrifices her body gets to choose" card (this also works for choosing names), and we did not find out. However, at the same time we had the opportunity to find out, we also discovered that s/he had a fatal birth defect. We still chose not to find out, and I have to say, that was one thing that helped through that labor, was the surprise of the gender coming. That was our boy. The next pg, I said that I would only find out if for some reason I needed an amnio, because if I had to know, I wanted to be 100% completely sure of the gender. Guess what? We thought this baby had trisomy 21/DS, so we had the amnio. But, we had them seal up the results of the gender. After we knew it was a healthy baby, we opened the envelope on our wedding anniversary. Girl! (We were not surprised, having felt she was a girl from day one). The last pg, I really needed no surprises. We had a 4.5 year gap in ages, and I wanted to know the gender, just because I did. I had a slight preference for a girl, so that our daughter could have a sister (and we already had oh the cutest clothes and blankets and toys and girl *things*). We did not need an amnio but found out anyway. Girl!
Anyway, there was something wonderful about being surprised with the gender at birth - but also something equally nice about being able to be prepared and adjusted and ready for whatever gender it is.
We didn't find out with our first and it was so much fun. You get so few chances in life to be truly surprised. It isn't easy, especially when you get multiple ultrasounds and the temptation is so great, but it was so worth it. Our only glitch was when I wound up with an emergency c-section and we had to ask the doctor (who wasn't my OB) what the sex was. He gave us a surprised look and said "you don't know?" Then he said, "oh--it's a boy". Despite that, it was really fun and worth the wait and if I talk my husband into a third baby I would do it again.
We didn't find out with the first and found out with the second. Knowing didn't make it any easier to name the child or any less exciting to meet this little being. We are now trying for #3 and I don't think we will find out. When we didn't know with the first I thought I was having a boy until I had the dream that she was a girl. Two girls later and I love them completely! But Jason's right... We are hoping for a boy this time around, but I'll be just as happy with another girl. Besides I already have a complete wardrobe for a little girl.
Aimee - Ha! No. He doesn't. At least not regularly.
Oliver's Mom - See, maybe that's another thing this time. We already own everything we need either way. I mean, we're a little heavy on the blue but there isn't the YAY! COMMENCE WITH THE SHOPPING! impetus this time. No need to register for a shower, no need for anything other than re-assembling some stuff in storage and buying some plain white onesies.
We did the wedding ring on a string held over mommies belly. Back & forth Boy, circles girl. So far I have been right on all tries. LOL On note 2 - I would raise a houseful of boys before another girl! Boys do dumb boy stuff, girls bitch at you about it! LOL Good luck whatever you have is going to be awesome!
I always wanted my first to be a surprise. We agreed not to find out, but it drove the whole family insane! For me, everyone's need to guess the gender got old really quickly. People asking "what do you think it is? what do you hope it is?" non-stop. But I was glad we waited when I finally delivered the little one, and I got to hear my husband say, "It's a little girl, we have a little girl!" I'll never forget that moment as long as I live. Oh, and I had secretly been hoping for a boy, even as I was pushing, but when I heard my husband say those words? Yeah, I knew that a baby girl was the most perfect thing on earth. (I say that to emphasize that, no matter what, you won't be disappointed.)
My husband's friend and wife are expecting, and he wanted to find out but the wife did not. So he found out from the doctor, but he's not allowed to tell her or anyone else what the baby is! Can you imagine?
I have one child, a girl, and I didn't find out ahead of time. And it was good.
I also wanted a girl, and had a healthy fear of boys. Totally rational, right? By not finding out, I dealt with the what ifs and quickly - it was nanoseconds - realized that I just loved the baby, sex be damned.
Then it came down to, I really wanted that moment in the delivery room where they said, "It's a ...!!!" It was really exciting. Kind of took my mind off the whole 4th-degree lacerations from that precious baby's head. Kinda. Ouch!
I would do it that way again, because I loved the anticipation and buildup.
That was me. That may not be you.
I didn't find out with either of my babies. I wanted to be surprised. It did make the last month really long, though. The only reason I was tempted the second time around to find out was so I could prepare my son for his new brother or sister -- so I could say, when baby brother/sister comes home, rather than "the baby." I still didn't find out, and he coped fine. (I had another boy. Having two boys is so much fun.)
Oh, and I forgot to add (because my post wasn't already way long enough, right?) that I am thinking of doing things the opposite way. With our next baby, whenever we should be so blessed, I want to know as soon as possible! I don't know why, but I think it's because we only plan on having two, and if the next one is a boy, I can give away all these dresses and other girly things I've been saving!
I have two little girls, and we chose to be surprised with both. I don't know what it's like to find out early, but I can tell you there is NOTHING like that moment when the baby comes out and you hear "it's a girl!" It was so wonderful and magical and surreal... I wouldn't trade that for anything. PLUS, then my husband got to have his own movie moment and announce it to the waiting room, and that surge of emotion is just unbelievable. If you can hold off, my vote is to wait!
I'm all for seeing if it'a a boy or girl beforehand for the exact reason you pointed out. I wanted a boy the second time (having had a girl the first) and when another girl popped out I had severe guilt because I was extremely disappointed. I cried for hours afterwards, I moped for a couple of days, stupid I know but of course, on the 3rd day I realized I knew about girls and so having another one was better than having a boy. And she was an adorable red head that stole my heart. I still feel guilt over those 2 days, because now, she's a beautiful intellegent, truly delightful 14 year old.
We found out with our first two children and decided to wait and see with our third. I think it was great fun not knowing until the doctor said, "It's a Girl!".
Like Occidental Girl said, it really helped me focus on the end result. Finally, we would find out who this tiny person was.
We didn't find out with our first baby, but my husband desperately wanted a girl. (I guess he was afraid of rivalry with a son?) He went so far as to tell me as I was in labor that I better make it a girl. So I found out by his disappointed voice saying, just as I gave birth, "Oh, it's a boy." Fortunately my sense of humor held (short labor) and I still think it's pretty funny.
I'm less than a week behind you, pregnancy-wise, and I think we'll find out this time, at least partially because I chose last time, so it's my husband's "turn".
We never found out what we were having... any of the 3 times. (All boys, BTW.)
It wasn't so much because we didn't want to know... It was just too much pressure. We couldn't agree on baby names. And once you know, you are forever bombarded by people who feel the need to name your baby for you.
There was just NO FREAKIN' WAY I wasn't going to find out the sex of our kiddo. I am the most impatient person on the planet and I could never have waited until the actual moment! Besides, I had an emergency C-section and missed out on the whole thing cuz I was knocked out, and I wouldn't have known for hours - so I was glad I knew before.
I don't think there is any real joy in waiting... I mean, it's much easier to plan when you know the sex, and it's one less thing to stress about. If you decide to wait and find out when it's born, I guarantee some clueless nurse or doctor will slip up and tell you.
That's my 2 cents worth anywho...
:)
Don't find out. The surprise is fun! We were surprised with our first (fun!) and found out the sex before delivery with our second. It's not that it's NOT fun to know in advance, it's just that it really adds the thrill of the birth moment to wait until that very second to know the sex. If we have a 3rd, I would want to be surprised. But it's all gut instinct--go with what feels comfortable for you.
Definitely DO NOT find out. It's much more fun that way.
I had my kids before it was possible to know the sex, so there was the fun of finding out. But by the third, we wanted a boy so much and I spent my entire pregnancy stressing out over the possibility of a third girl and I think I would have been much more relaxed had I known the third was a boy.
As for buying yellow and green, I have noticed that the manufacturers don't do that so much any more. Since the advent of being able to find out the sex, they mostly make very feminine or very masculine clothing for infants. So it's harder to find neutral.
Even if you know the sex, there are still surprises. What color is his hair? Will she have her daddy's eyes? How big is he? Is she tall?
I'd find out.
Don't find out!!!!
It'll be the best present you ever get.
I had to find out all 4 times for mine. And I had to be induced, so I kinda picked my kids birthday's so I am no help with the waiting to find out stuff. I wished I could have gone into labor on my own but unfortunately I don't seem to do that. I have two boys and two girls and they came in this order, boy,girl,boy,girl. Keeping my bits crossed for your girl.
During both my pregnancies my sister and I delivered less than one month apart (cue my mother.."I couldn't get you guys to do ANYTHING together growing up...) She found out she was having a boy and we didn't find out (she's a girl)! My second pregnancy was twins, so there was a ton of pressure to find out (2 more girls)!! I was not bummed at all that they were girls, but I have to say with the first one..."its a head, it's shoulders...its a...GIRL" - well that was pretty cool :)
If you decide you want to wait to find out, I suggest selling Jason on the idea by having him announce the sex of the baby. We didn't find out, and it was so amazing to have my husband get to be the one to tell me it was a boy!
My partner and I were so convinced it was a boy (partly because of a dream too) and had already started using our boy name before the 20-week ultrasound, and so I felt like we needed to find out so it wouldn't be a complete shock if we were wrong. (Though our instincts were right.) It also gave me time to make a personalized mosaic for his room. I'll do the same again, if I manage to get pregnant again.
Sorry -- one more thing. If you do decide not to find out, be sure and tell the tech before they start every ultrasound. And don't let them write it in your chart -- that way no-one can slip up and tell you. As long as everything is normal on the scans, there's no need for even your doctor to know.
I did not find out with my first and haven't decided if we'll find out with the current pregnancy. Since my husband doesn't want to know early, I feel it would be unfair for me to over rule that. It would be like telling someone what their Christmas present is before they open it or telling them the ending to a book when they want to read it for themselves.
Personally...I think surprise is overrated, especially since there is gender specific shopping possible required.
The first baby....sure...wait and be surprised, but the second...and third....find out. It won't change the outcome of 'MY GOD!! MY BABY!! *SQUEEEAAL!!* " at the end of it all.
The really good thing about it....if you have strong feelings one way or the other....finding out before hand will give you time to adjust. My MIL had 3 boys (fat chance of me having a girl, I guess, since I have 3 bothers, too....no sisters!) and with her last one...she cried and cried and cried that it was a boy. She even dressed him as a girl when he was an infant.
I didn't find out the gender of my son and I will never find out ahead of time, with future kids. But it's a super personal decision and almost everyone else I know found out ahead of time.
Interestingly, all my medical providers, throughout my pregnancy, LOVED that it was a surprise. My OB, her nurse, all the nurses at the hospital, etc. just thought it was so romantic and fun to have that moment of discovery.
I vote not to find out. (Isn't this an election? Can I be a super-delegate?)
With my first one, I just knew he would be a boy. I did have an ultrasound at 36 weeks that told me he was a boy, but I was telling people he was a boy long before that. My secoond pregnancy I thought was a girl because it was so entirely different. And her personality was very different in utero than my son. I only found out early with my 3rd so I would know who was sharing a bedroom and at that point I just wanted to be prepared.
Maybe see if Jason will compromise and wait until a later ultrasound so there is still some mystery.
we didn't want to know with our first, but our OB/GYN spilled the beans. that was ok because we were discussing a potential kidney problem, and he said, "well if it were a boy, you'd have to be more concerned for blah blah, but since it's not, it's less of a worry"
and we looked at each other and said, "well if it's not a boy then...!"
that worked out well though because we were so worried about the kidney issue that finding out the baby was a girl was a happy moment and made everything more real and fun.
(p.s. kidneys are fine)
#2 we managed not to find out until birth. When the doctor said, "it's a girl!" I said, "oh thank goodness" - guess you know what I wanted!
PS We had no problem finding gender-neutral stuff. I had one girl outfit and one boy outfit to bring home the baby, and everything else is green/yellow/red.
Although we probably would have anyway, to get more than 1 kids' use out of it all. If this is your last baby, maybe that's not an issue?
You MUST find out, woman. I always wanted two girls and got 'em, thank God. And I knew at 20 weeks both times.
I wept with joy when I found out the first time because I knew I would have at least one girl. I was a little more relaxed the second time but I really wanted another girl. Turns out I wept with joy the second time, too.
I also wanted to know if I could use my beautiful, girly "dresses" themed nursery stuff again. I just like to be prepared (non-gender-neutral nursery, onesies, socks, and clothes) and never did get that whole "wait until they come out" thing. Yeah, I can wait until they come out to see what they weigh and who they look like. That's all the "surprise" I need.
Plus, I found it easier to prepare our daughter for her sister's arrival when she knew the gender, name, etc. She was thrilled to pick out pink clothes for her and tell everyone about her baby sister in her Mommy's tummy.
You know you're gonna find out...
When I was first pregnant with my daughter I thought about waiting to find out, and was fine with it until we scheduled our 20 week ultrasound; then I couldn't wait to find out. I'm glad I did, because I was convinced I was having a boy, so finding out in advance that it was a girl gave me the chance to wrap my brain around that one.
On the topic of whacky dreams when you're pregnant, I have a doozy. I took a breastfeeding class when I was about 7 months pregnant and the instructor kept driving home the point that it was "all about the latch," and that if the baby latched well, everything else would fall into place. So, that night I went home and dreamt that my baby was born with a duck bill and couldn't latch on to my boob. Talk about disturbing. Luckily she has a beautifully shaped human mouth and has never had a problem with latching (or nursing) at all!
The first Christmas my nephew was around, we were pulling out stockings and came across one labeled 'Gia.' Who the hell is that, we all wondered...and then we remembered: My sister got a 3D ultrasound pretty much as early as she could (with commemorative video and everything) and they concluded that she was having a girl. Yay, girl! We had a pink baby shower with pink everything and she picked out the name 'Giovanna' for the baby. A couple weeks before she was due (which was just after Christmas), she went in for a scheduled visit at the Dr. While the nurse (or whoever, I know nothing about this stuff) was doing the ultrasound she turned to my sister and said "why do you keep calling the baby 'she'?" "Um...because I'm having a girl," says my sister. "Nope," says the nurse, "this is definitely a boy. Look, those are the balls, right there." And, what do you know, so they were. So we went on a blue-item buying spree, and she gave all the pink stuff to her sister in law, and all we've got left of thinking he was a girl is a mislabeled Christmas stocking. And we're totally Jewish. :-D
Anyway, so...sometimes, even when you think you know, you don't know. Funny thing is, my sister kept insisting that she was going to end up having a boy the whole time...
I wanted to know because I'm a planner.
I don't remember if I had an ultrasound with my first, 18 years ago. I know I did want a girl, because I didn't know what to do with a boy.
I did have a scan with my second (14 years ago) and was told it was a probably a boy. I'm glad I didn't believe him, because she turned out to be a girl.
At the time I had my last daughter, my girlfriend was an ultrasound tech so she did a thorough scan on me and we had no doubt it was a girl.
I found out with both of my kids because I wanted to know what to buy and get names ready and all that. I had horrible pregnancies and knowing the sex of my kids was the tiny bright light during that time. I ended up with two boys and am thrilled with that as I wouldn't know what to do with a little girl. Bonus of having two kids of the same gender? Boy 2 was able to use all of Boy 1's clothes which meant more money for Mom to spend in Sephora. Ha!
I have no kids of my own, but I've always said I don't want to know until they're out. I have 2 girl friends who both just found out what they're having(one boy, one girl, both due in august, OH MY the abundant baby fat!). I'm excited because I can now start shopping for them & making all the lame God-Mother gifts I have in mind...but I fully intend on torturing my future-children's-God-Parents-&-others with the not knowing. :]
I'm sure it'll be torturous to myself as well, so I can understand the wanting to know. I just think a surprise makes it that much more special.
Because I'm mean (and having an emotional day) I'll be the one internet-bitch to warn you about having another boy. Yes, 2 boys are insanely fun to have, but holy crap in a hat 2 boys will drive you nuts. You know how very much a boy Noah is? Take that and triple it. 1 baby + 1 baby == 3 times the work (seriously, baby math is odd like that). 1 boy + 1 boy == 4 children. They're wonderful when they're good, they'll drive you to drink and scream when they're bad.
However, being able to reuse all those clothes that #1 went through so fast helps ease the pain. At least until this summer when, at 2+yrs apart they're now basically the same size and we'll be buying 2 sets of summer clothes.
Oh, and don't expect they'll look alike. With mine, #1 is tiny and looks like his Daddy, #2 is huge and looks like my father.
Good luck for the u/s!
I didn't find out with Gabe, but for some reason I really believed he was a boy the whole time. We loved not knowing, and it felt so special for Josh to announce the baby's sex.
That being said, I don't know for 100% sure what we'll do if we get lucky enough to have #2. I think we won't find out, but who knows!
Once we decided we wouldn't find out, it was super easy not to know. It didn't even occur to me to ask anymore after that first ultrasound.
Good luck deciding!
I don't have any kids but I've always liked the idea of waiting to be surprised at the birth and I think your point about injecting an element of surprise to the scheduled c-section is a good one. And really, is it all that important to know the gender ahead of time, preparedness-wise? Other than some clothes, what's the difference? But then again, I am dying to know what you're having!
I always wanted to know, because it made "The Baby" into a specific person in my head and heart.