Baby Legs and Everything In Between
March 21, 2008
I had my first dream about the baby this week. I was frantically ordering baby gear from Amazon at the last minute (note to self: we already have a swing and a crib aquarium, but we do need BATTERIES. you cannot parent without BATTERIES) when it was suddenly time for my scheduled c-section, and then suddenly someone handed me the baby. A big fat naked baby boy, who nursed easily and awesomely, and was just about the cutest thing ever, although he looked nothing like Noah. And oh my GOD, his thighs. I couldn't stop squishing them. I loved him completely, and was sorry to wake up and remember that October is still a long time away.
I had baby dreams all the time when I was pregnant with Noah, but never NICE dreams. They always involved the baby not being human, or us being woefully unprepared for his arrival (I still remember one where we were desperately trying to buy a carseat, and I lost the baby in an endless sea of racks of Washington Redskins sweatshirts.) The baby was always a boy, even before we knew we were having a boy, although I wonder if that was just another shade of anxiety, since I was pretty scared about having a boy.
I woke up and told Jason that we're having another boy, and he harrumphed and said he'd believe it when he saw it -- why is it that mothers (or fine, JUST ME) get all hand-wringy about daring to have a gender preference and fathers are perfectly okay with wanting one or the other? (Jason wants a girl. He claims it's because he doesn't want "us" to get tempted into having a third child in order to have a girl, like DUDE. I don't know where he gets this "we" and "us" business because I am perfectly happy with being the sole princess in a houseful of boys, but Jason is suddenly going ga-ga over the little striped tights in the girls' clothing section.)
(Okay, I do love the tights too. But Noah has this pair of barely-worn baby Pumas that KILL. ME. Oh! And this little corduroy blazer and a pageboy cap! Plus, I just plain love baby boys.)
(OKAY! I would love to have a daughter. I don't care! I just don't want to throw up any more! I am easy to please!)
We're getting the nuchal translucency screening done in about two weeks and my doctor dangled out the possibility that, thanks to his new-fangled fancy 4D ultrasound machine, that we MIGHT be able to get a pretty decent guess at the sex. (Mr. Google tells me the 4D ultrasounds can correctly identify boy or girl parts at the end of the first trimester about 85% of the time.) Part of me is like, YEEHAW, SPREAD 'EM, FETUS, while another tiny part of me is wondering what it would be like to NOT find out this time.
On the one hand, I don't feel like Noah's birth was any less OH MY GOD MY BABY! because we knew he was a boy and were even 99.99999% sure of his name. Hell, we even knew what he was going to look like. And since I did have a slight preference for a girl (for dumb reasons that I've already covered), I felt like I needed to know ahead of time to make sure I wouldn't have that twinge of disappointment when a boy popped out. (Totally lame fear, I know, but clearly I had MASSIVE doubt in my mothering skills and instincts last time.)
On the other hand, I don't have a preference this time. The guessing game is sort-of fun even if it drives me nuts with the relentless pointlessness of it all. (Yesterday at Noah's mock preschool therapy thing another mother had me and another pregnant woman hold her three-month-old, since in her culture there's an old wives tale that says how infants react to a pregnant woman can predict the gender.) (Verdict: he cried when I held him [boy, and therefore his rival], settled down when the other mother held him [girl, and therefore his sweetheart]). I doubt I have the self-control to not find out since it's just so EASY, what with the ultrasound machine being six inches from me at every prenatal appointment from here on out.
On the other other hand, since I know there's a very good chance this pregnancy will end with a shockingly anti-climatic scheduled c-section, maybe not knowing the sex is my way of injecting a little bit of excitement and drama into the proceedings.
What do you guys think? Any experience with both finding out vs. not finding out? Totally worth it or just still sort of OH MY GOD MY BABY! either way?
And...um...how the heck would I break this to Jason who is completely and totally unaware this crazy idea is rattling around in my brain and thinks we're definitely going to find out, and how would I go about changing his mind by 9:40 am on April 9th?
Well, it's still a surprise, it's just a bit earlier. I don't have kids, so I have no idea what I would do, but I'd probably want to know as soon as possible.
One time I dreamed I had a baby, but it was a slice of pizza rather than a real baby. I carried it around as though it were a baby and took care of it and dressed it up. Weird.
I had amnio with Jake, and after they called to tell me he was perfectly "normal", they asked me if I wanted to know his sex....I had 3 months left to go and said sure. I figured, okay - be surprised now or be surprised at birth...makes no difference to me which. So, I let them tell me....no regrets. As for husband wanting to know and you not - let them tell him and just him (of course, he has to be willing to keep this info from you for a very long time!).....let us know what you decide.....
We found out. I definitely wouldn't wait. I'm too impatient. Plus, logistically, it's a nightmare. Do you know how annoying it is to track down neutral clothes that aren't all green and yellow?! Plus, you can know whether to keep Noah's or not. And you can decide on a name for sure. And you can get Noah used to the idea of brother or sister. And and and and!!
I've lerked for a long time, and talking about babies finally got me to say hi! We didn't find out for our first, but did for the second. Since we didn't know that our first baby was a girl, once she was delivered, etc my husband took the video camera and taped the waiting room as he walked down the hall to tell our families what the next grandbaby was - the video is one of our most precious belongings. It let me see everyone's reaction to the news and my husband felt really involved being able to tell everyone.
All that said, it *was* nice to know that our second was a boy so that we could plan accordingly!
I'm way too impatient/neurotic to wait. For my first, we had to have a 9.5 week ultrasound and we talked the technician into checking for us. (Being the neurotic biologist, I knew that sex differentiation had already began.) She gave in and we could just barely tell it was a boy.
Now that I have one of each gender, I don't think I'd be as neurotic with my third. But I definitely don't want the doctors and nurses knowing something that I don't know.
Both my deliveries were c-sections. Though I wish I could participate and have the drama of a vaginal delivery, the best part of birth is the beautiful baby. No pre-knowledge or method of delivery will take away from that. My first delivery was rough, to say the least. (My boy was 11 pounds!) Even the exhaustion and long wait to see him didn't make the moment any less special.
Congratulations, Amalah. I love reading your blog.
Well. I am in my 37th week and we do not know the sex. This has been simultaneously really exciting and fun, and really annoying. Fun because our parents are about to kill us what with the urge to buy itty bitty baby clothes in something other than green. Annoying because, well, I have the urge to buy itty bitty baby clothes in something other than green. I can't help myself! I love the dresses! But seriously, I am so excited to find out what whether we are having a boy or a girl. It's been fun, I suggest waiting.
OK- I don't PERSONALLY know you or anything, but I read your blog daily.
And is the SAME PERSON who wrote this post the SAME Amy Storch who obsessively peed on an army of peesticks because OMG my period may or may not be due in five days?
Yeah, a lot of mom's wax all sentimental about the "revelation" of gender being such a critical part of the birth experience- I personally, knew for my first (we couldn't help it- it was JUST THERE on the ultrasound) and have also found out for our second (this one, a girl, needed a little more 'splainin from the ultrasound tech.)
I say, be true to yourself Amy! You KNOW you want to KNOW!!!
We didn't found out, and I was absolutely 100% convinced we were having a girl. we only had girl names, but that's b/c we couldn't agree on a boys name. I think it's fun to not find out. But, if we ever had another one, for some reason, I would totally want to find out this time.
Because of our first's position during the ultrasound, we were unable to find out her gender. Her first act of defiance! lol So we'd already been through a pregnancy without knowing. With #2, we wanted to find out, and we were sure the same thing couldn't happen twice! Surely we'd find out this time! I'm giving this such a build up that I'm sure you've guessed that we weren't able to find out the second time either. I was pissed! lol. I am the only person I know who wasn't able to find out the gender.
More to your point though, of the several people I know who have a baby who is my oldest age (as is Noah) and are now expecting their second, all of them have wondered if this time they might not want to know. All of them decided to find out. I suspect that you will too.
I didn't find out with either of my pregnancies. I normally don't like surprises but there was just something exciting to me about spending that length of time flip flopping back and forth between what my feelings were as far as boy or girl.
That and it was fun to torture everyone else who wanted to know soooooooooo badly. :)
I was sure we were having a baby boy with #1, and sure enough, there he was. Now I'm sure it's a girl, but we're not finding out: it's one of the few times in my life where a) I've been able to delay gratification, so I feel all noble and whatnot, and b) either outcome will be utterly lovely and wonderful.
Plus, it's so much fun telling people we're not finding out. And for the first few weeks, no baby cares whether they're in white, blue, pink, or black, so long as there's a mama nearby.
We didn't find out with our first and did with our second. Honestly, while the first time was really exciting to have that OMG its a boy moment, it was really nice to be able to kind of gear up my oldest for a baby brother coming soon idea.
If we have another we'll find out again. Are you definitely doing a section? I did a VBAC with my second and I felt for me, the healing was easier. Is that an option for you?
I wanted to e-mail you this past week but can't find your e-mail on the site. Can you direct me to it?
Pah, old wives tales! She could just as easily be an adorable little girlchild who might grow up to love other girls!
Ahem. Too early?
Was just surprised by the gender/sexuality/culture assumptive reference, is all. Your baby will be a beautiful, wonderful child, and you'll do wonderfully with him OR her. Even if she shows a preference for those Redskins jerseys when she's old enough to pick her clothes!
I found out ahead of time and never even considered waiting because I am well aware of all my issues.
And when she got here, even though I knew she was a girl, I was surprised that she was only 5 pounds, that she had no eyelashes yet and looked like a frog, and by the fact that I loved her more than I could have imagined.
I think you should give yourself and Jason the experience of not knowing. As several have mentioned, there are few times in life when you can be truly surprised. Knowing the gender or not knowing, the moment of birth is amazing...but 'not knowing' adds even more amazement to the experience.
I've done it both ways. With our first we found out and it really made me feel connected to her. I was able to wrap my mind around what this "thing" was.
The second time my husband insisted that last time I got to choose whether we found out, so this time he got to choose. Whatever. He chose not to find out and when we found out we were having twins--holy my god, wha?--he still insisted. Believing that "fairness in a marriage" thing I couldn't really argue with him, but damn, that was a hard one. I didn't know if I was having one of each, if they were identical or fraternal...maddening.
That said, as I lay shaking on the table for my C, I actually did enjoy the surprise. When my daughter was born, the doctor said, "Here's your little princess." Then she mumbled and what I thought I heard her say was "And here's your little gymnast." And I was immediately confused. Huh? A boy? And why is she calling him a gymnast? As I soon found out, she really said, "little princess" as she held up my second identical little girl.
It will most definitely drive you crazy, but it was pretty special to wait.
I agree that it's a surprise whenever you find out. We found out both times but I've had several friends not find out. What would annoy me about not finding out is the constant stream of questions from people about why I wasn't finding out and how I could stand not knowing, etc.... For that annoying reason alone, I would need to know.
Do you want to know my serious honest-to-God reason why I'm going to find out whenever we get pregnant (and, uh, STAY pregnant) with number two?
Because then I'll know whether to buy a regular old twin bed for Asher (if he's getting a sister) or get a cheap toddler bed for him to transition to for the time being until he's old enough for BUNK BEDS that he can share with his brother.
Aaaaaand there it is, for your eleventy thousand readers to roll their eyes at. YES. BUNK BEDS.
We found out the first time only because there was a whole AFP fiasco. We ended up having to go to a genetic counseling place where they forced us into knowing
The second time around we didn't find out and there was no fiasco. It was SO fun for us but everyone else hated us. We had 234342 onesies in all shades of green and yellow.
My husband still likes to joke that when our second daughter was born the first thing he thought was, "My son is missing his weener!"
Also, I am of the mindset that it's a surprise no matter what: a surprise at 20 weeks or a surprise at 40 weeks. REGARDLESS, you'll be surprised at SOME POINT.
Didn't find out either time. Was SHOCKED both times.
Everyone hated it, but it really helped me get through the HELL of the 10th month to have that carrot dangling in front of me.
I'm voting for "find out." I didn't find out for my oldest, did for the other two, and not knowing made me absolutely nuts. It's like you have to pick the most trivial thing ever to obsess about the last month or something.
I did not find out with either of my boys. Our deal was that we would go to delivery with 3 names for each sex and when husband 'met' the baby, he could choose the name based on what he looked like. (I, of course, did have full veto power)
My best, HaNDS DOWN, memory of birth day for both is when my tear streaked, smiling husband handed me baby boy and saying, "It's a boy. Meet your son....."
I will never forget that joy. I'm a HUGE advocate of waiting.
Please know I am not judging you or anyone here; I'm just giving my opinion! We didn't find out and were so happy we didn't. It's one of the only true surprises you can still have to look forward to, as far as I'm concerned. I've talked to other moms-to-be who have said, "I'm such a planner; I had to find out." Well, I am a teacher. Could you really be more of a planner than me? Some people said they didn't want to get all green and yellow things at the shower. Can you please explain to me how this could really be important? Buy a toy! Buy a book! Can I tell you how many pink things I got once my daughter was born? One thing that drove me crazy was when people said, "I just don't know what to get you for your shower since you don't know what you're having." People were actually pissed at me that I didn't know ahead of time. My mother-in-law told me that our doctor could just call her and tell her so she could find out already. (Seriously!!!)
I don't know what it will be like for child number 2 (whenever that happens) but chances are, we won't find out then either. Like you said, since you will probably end up with a not-so-thrilling scheduled c-section, my vote is for you to wait to find out! It definitely helps during the last month (or 6, haha) when you have that to look forward to. Well, that and ya know, having a new baby!
Tried to find out with the first but she was shy and wouldn't spread 'em. Still, we were convinced it was a boy. We were wrong and the surprise was wonderful :). Second time around, not shy! It's another girl! But when it came time for the birth....nope, a boy! Another GREAT surprise! In hindsight, better to not find out :). The surprise is really great. If I were to have a third I would not even try to find out.
My theory is that you should find out if you have a strong preference one way or the other so you have time to adjust if it's not what you hoped for, but if you aren't bothered either way, well, then wait if you want. I REALLY wanted a girl so I wanted time to get over myself if it were a boy ahead of time--plus, I thought that for me, personally, it would help me bond to the baby by being able to call her by her name before she was here. (Yep, I got my girl. But I really don't care for #2 [not coming any time soon] so we'll see what happens.)
Don't find out.
It's not like it's one of 31 flavors. It's either boy or girl. And you will love the baby no matter what...it's not like you're gonna go "nope, sorry, already have one of those!".
My doc knew with all three of my children - we didn't. The surprise at the end was great. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything!
You could always be surprised anyway like me - both my daughters were clearly boys on their ultrasounds. The youngest one has her penis circled and it says "It's a boy, mom". So when after 26 hours of labor I was told I was the mother of another little girl there was tons of surprise factor... so one of two things: The ultra sounds are notoriously wrong on my children, or I have to cute little penises still floating around in my uterus somewhere.
brandy
I vote for not finding out. I did not with my first and doubt we will find out the next time around. It was very fun to wait and saved a ton of money in the prego days as I didn't buy a ton of stuff. She had (in our old house) and adorable gender-neutral room of grass-green and white (we'll most likely paint her new room in similar tones - one thing I can't stand is a pink room for girls and a blue one for boys).
simple, you break it to him with a lot of crying and then a giant bowl of indian food to smooth it over.
i found out both times. the second time i was kind of hoping for a girl and yet another boy. i'm glad i found out ahead so they didnt say YOURE HAVING A BOY YAY in the delivery room and have me say, oh a boy again...i mean, that would have totally ruined his birth story and looked really bad in his baby book...moms reaction: oh another boy, damn. yeah so i found out, then he came and all i thought was OMG MY BABY. then i said, is he okay and then i yelled for apgar scores...and then yelled for my husband to man up and jam the booger sucker in his mouth already like the nurse told him and quit being a scaredy cat!
We chose not to find out with my first born. I love surprises and it was just a bonus that it made everyone around me crazy. My husband told everyone from the day I got a positive test that he knew it was a girl and so did my mom. People at work were having dreams about me having a girl, plus I had to hear about all the old wives tales--it got ridiculous after a while. So when I gave birth, the doctor looked up and said "Congratulations, you have a fine son" my mom looked at him quizically and said "A boy? Are you sure?" and he said "Uh... I've been doing this for a while, you know." It was awesome! (I wanted a boy the whole time and there is a part of me that believes I may have somehow changed his sex with the POWER OF MY MIND--hey why not, I managed to grow him some cute ears and I never did that before either) My husband says he wants to find out on the next one but I say no way. (I think he just doesn't want to be as spectacularly wrong as he was with Liam.)
Wing it.
We waited until they were born to find out the gender of each of our kids, and I'm really glad we did. Especially with our 2nd born, since he decided he was going to be born late and not early like his big sister. Not knowing if I was having a boy or a girl was the only thing that kept me going the last month or so of that pregnancy. LOL
I say kinda don't find out- and it's a really cute reason. A GF of mine had the u/s tech tell her mom (ie grandmom) the sex. Then grandmom and her friends decorated the baby's room accordingly, but MOM & DAD didn't get to see it until it was done. And they got to walk into a blue room. Granted, this was done at the shower- so all her gifts were blue as well, as grandma told the guests too....but isn't that the CUTEST THING EVAH?
So you get it both ways- you get to know, eventually, but still get that huge element of surprise, just a little later.
I am about 13 weeks along and in 5 more weeks I will be having the ultrasound to find out the gender (that is if the little one cooperates). The way my hubby put it, it will be a surprise when we find out what we are having... whenever that may be. We will be just as suprised in 5 weeks from now as we will be in 25 weeks from now. So we might as well find out sooner rather than later and start prepping!
We didn't find out the first time. I was SURE I was carrying a girl, and he wanted to be surprised, so OF COURSE it was a boy.
The second time around? OH HELL YEAH I was finding out! SO I got to cuddle my belly and whisper sweet girlie things to my pink-and-white belly and have her room painted and drive everyone crazy with girl names!
One of each (not finding out, then finding out) was perfect for us.
We did not want to know the first time, and it was so exciting for everyone in the room when our boy was born. You do have to deal with endless questions about "why don't you want to know". I don't know why it's a prerequisite. Plus, they aren't always right. We didn't care in the least and wanted to be surprised.
THe second baby was pretty much the same way. I had high blood pressure, and I had an ultrasound at every single visit. The doctor swore up and down it was a girl, but we kept our cool about it and didn't really tell everybody that's what he said. Glad we didn't, because she was a he!!
I had a vaginal birth the first time around, and about 8 family members in the room when Jake was born. It was so cool to find out that he was a boy. It was definitely a bonding moment for everyone.
The second baby was a C-section after 36 hours of labor (not emergency though, just was induced and he wouldn't budge), and the doctor and nurses were all pretty psyched that we didn't know the sex of the baby either. It was kind of a nice way to take the edge off the anxiety of having surgery to have something else to focus on.
I think it was fun not knowing the sex, and if we have another we won't find out for that one either.
I contemplated not finding out with the second because I so badly wanted a girl. But I am a peeker, and so is my husband. We found out at 13 weeks (my nuchal) that we were having another boy. I cried for 10 minutes and then was SO excited about having another boy. I had dreams about nursing a boy with lots of hair the night before, so my dreams were correct. The dreams the second time around are SO much better. Seriously, I had dreams about giving birth to kittens and all kids of crazy shizit the first time. The second time I was traveling to exotic locals with baby in tow and life was peachy.
I vote find out. I loved knowing.
Holy heck it's discouraging to post a comment seeing as how there are already over a hundred or so...
But in any case, my wife is due October 27 so we've been identifying with your pregnancy (BTW, we love the 0-40 week thing on alphamom).
But in any case, my wife doesn't want to know and there is no way that I'm going to go without knowing. We are giving the doc a piece of paper and a pre-stamped envelope addressed to me at my work. He's supposed to write boy or girl on it and drop it in the mail. Then when I feel like it I can open it and my wife never has to know.
I found out I was pregnant right around the same time as you, but I recently miscarried...I love reading your blogs...hope you don't mind me living a little vicariously through you...Noah is adorable BTW!!
I have 3 children and we didn't find out with any of them. I loved not knowing until the moment they were born. Its a truly special magical moment when they are born and the announcement is made- It's a_____! Congrats on your pregnancy!
We tried to not find out with our first but the ultrasound tech goofed when we went in for a follow up ultrasound. She backpedaled big time so we tried to tell ourselves that we couldn't be sure, maybe we didn't know. We didn't tell anyone else we found out we were having a boy so at least we could keep some element of surprise. In some ways I think it did help prepare me, I didn't feel any disappointment at our son's birth over not having a little girl.
Now of course I know how amazing boys are and since I am now pregnant with our second (12 weeks along) we have decided to once again try not to find out. If you decide to wait I would advise you to tell your doctor, nurses, techs, etc. at every appointment that you don't want to know. Have them write it in red ink across the chart :)
I say have Noah draw straws or something. Short straw, you wait and long straw you find out early! That way it's niether of your decision and its left up to fate. I found out as early as I could with mine (I wanted a girl, and a girl he is NOT) :) but as you know, finding out does nothing to ruin the final moment! Personally, I REALLY HOPE you find out because OH. MAH. GAWD. I won't be able to stand the suspense of waiting with you!
I have 2 small boys. I am too impatient to not find out the sex so we did. With the first one, I was a little taken aback - after all, I was a girl, and I know girls - didn't know what to expect from a boy at first.
With the second one, we knew we wanted to find out for many reasons - should we keep the boy-themed nursery, the linens, the clothing, etc. When my husband and I were at the ultrasound the doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex - looking at the monitor I said "I think we know." It was obvious. I was thrilled to have another boy, but of course would have been thrilled if it were a girl.
It's worked out perfectly for us - I get to put 2nd baby son in the same outfits his brother wore, and we have so many toddler boy toys (I will never have to buy more trains or track I hope!).
Knowing was the way to go for me. However I have a friend whose doctor wrote down the sex and put it in an envelope. They kept that envelope on a shelf and thought they could open it if they got really curious. They never did - way more willpower than I would ever have! (She had a second boy.)
More power to those who can wait, I do think it would be a nice surprise at the birth!
I didn't find out with either child. For me, it was like knowing my Christmas presents before Christmas. I'm one of those who believes that there are so few true surprises in life that I wanted the gender to be a surprise.
However, when it's other people's kids? I totally want to know.
I was high risk and had *at least* one sonogram a month. My OB kept on saying "I bet you're having a boy" and me, I didn't take him seriously. He's a joker, I was pretty sure this meant I was having a girl.
I had a boy. My second. Do I feel like I missed out by having two boys? Not really. I love being the sole queen of this castle.
I'm due any second now with my 3rd in 3 years -- we found out with all 3, but since this is our last one, we are saving her name to be the big surprise.
No one knows her name except for the random cashier at Walgreens or something if they ask, and I get calls daily from both of my parents asking for the first letter, please can they have just the first letter?? (They can't).
So, that might be some kind of compromise???
P.S. baby's name is Lucy Rose...
I am not one for the surprises, so I've always wanted to know. When I went in for the ultrasound for my 2nd baby, we were unable to find out the sex because said baby flipped over and refused to cooperate. Yeah. You think it's hard trying to come up with that one perfect name... try coming up with TWO perfect names. (I have a million neuroses when it comes to naming babies, because it seems like every name reminds me of someone I don't like, or the name was already 'taken' by some friend or relative's kid.) Anyhow, the waiting to find out really sucked for me because I really wanted to know and couldn't. pout grumble whine wahhhh.
I SO wanted to find out, but my dude didn't. Unfortunately they never could see the sex beforehand, but we were both hoping for a girl, and I had that *feeling* it would be - turns out it was a girl.
If I ever get pregnant again, I SO TOTALLY want to know. Heh.
I hate surprises, but in my mind there's definitely some type of romance in not knowing until the baby is out. It's a happy surprise either way.
I have two children, did not find out ahead both times, and loved it both times. I was always amazed I could hold out that long, because I'm the least patient person I know. we just figured, how many times in life do you get a surprise like that?
With my first child though, I was 100% positive I was having a girl, and my first thought when I saw my child for the very first time, inexplicably, was, "Why does my daughter have a penis?" Quite matter-of-factly, if I recall. Nothing alarming, just, WTH? Oh. Eunuch. About 2 seconds later I realized he was a boy and bawled like, well, him. I was delirious with him, and delirious 3 years later when I had a girl (who I was sure was a boy. So much for mother's intuition.)
I vote surprise. If we're voting.