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April 07, 2008
Do you need this? OF COURSE YOU NEED THIS. Your next OB appointment isn't until WHEN? You haven't had visual and/or audio confirmation of your baby's continued survival in HOW LONG? Oh Jesus. We don't want to alarm you or anything, but we hear there's some legislation pending in a few states regarding fetal neglect, or something. You are terrible, terrible mother unless you buy this right now. I mean, you had one for your FIRST BABY, right? What, do you not LOVE this baby as much? Are you like, fucking UNGRATEFUL, or something? You think $115 is expensive, or something? But can you really put a price on PEACE OF MIND?
I mean, GOD.
Spend hours at a time MARVELING at the sound of your own digestive tract!
EAVESDROP on nearby cellular telephone conversations!
Actually RESENT the presence of your own stupid 90 bpm heartbeat which can be picked up in 2,349 different areas of your abdomen!
PANIC! At the disco, in your bedroom, on your living room couch -- the stylish travel case and detachable shoulder strap makes this doppler completely PORTABLE!
OBSESS over your recent lack of morning sickness!
FRET over your distinct lack of a bloated fat ass!
MASH THE HELL out of your boobs to determine diminished soreness!
DIAGNOSE yourself with a missed miscarriage -- all in the comfort and privacy of your own home!
Spend an extremely ILL-ADVISED hour reading about missed miscarriages at a random pregnancy message board!
Wander aimlessly around the house in your sticky, ultrasound-gel stained UNDERWEAR!
Get your husband to join you in your despair and obsessive searching for unparalleled FAMILY TOGETHERNESS!
Relive your adolescence with late-night BARTERING sessions with God!
Move doppler wand ONE INCH UPWARDS AND TO THE RIGHT to finally find your baby's whoosh-whooshy heartbeat!
Experience the unparalleled RELIEF and REASSURANCE that can only be achieved through the finest in at-home doppler technology!
But, you know, that was about three hours ago, so you better CHECK AGAIN because the baby totally could have died since breakfast!
(Order now and receive DOUBLE the ultrasound gel! Trust us, you'll go through it and will be forced to use that old gross bottle of cherry-flavored lube in no time.)