Eggplant Will Make Your Baby Addicted to Cigarettes & Other Important Lessons*

After digging around in my archives for Noah's first-trimester glamor shots (damn torso-only ultrasound shot! is no help! NO HELP AT ALL!), I stumbled across this entry. My first thought was, "wow, I used to make fun of people who weren't me? what a passive-aggressive little bitch I was!" And then my second thought was, "wait, I recently told the Internet about the time I peed my pants at work, I am sooooo going back to those message boards right this minute."

And so I did, but it was for research. For science. In search of the answer to a very burning science-y question: Has the Internet gotten one lick smarter in the past three years?

What about the radiation from photocopiers? Doesn't that pose a threat? I think I conceived on Monday and have been using a photocopier for eight hours in each of the last two days with the top up {I was copying large books, so I couldn't close it}. Could this harm the initial cell formation of the zygote as it is traveling to the uterus?

Fuck that, I think I conceived ON TOP of the photocopier. Could this cause me to give birth to a radioactive fire-breathing dragon of some sort?

PS On an unrelated note, I have some kind of embarrassing photocopies that I need to destroy, so is it safe to use a paper shredder while pregnant? What if my uterus gets caught in the blades?

r u suppose to cramp at 6 weeks

y. like ttly norml, accordin to my bff jill.

i used it all and did it all during my pregnancy. so long as you have fun and dont hurt yourself or your baby, go ahead and be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, my new official expert and poet laureate for the Zero to Forty column.

If this is your first pregnancy, and you don't know if you your at risk for pre term labor, I would wait until your in the second trimester before having orgasms.

But I thought I was supposed to be a freak in the sheets bed! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, ANONYMOUS PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET!

I definitely don't think a pregnant woman has any business going to a rock concert. Not because of the noise but because of all the smoke from cigarettes and marijuana. Anyone who's been to a rock concert knows you almost always end up with a contact high especially if you're sitting close to the pit (it's not as bad if it's an outdoor concert). Not to mention if people start getting out of control and you get trampled.

This poster's nickname is LinkinParkChik3. Good Linkin Park nicknames get taken hella fast in the pregnancy forums, as I'm sure you all know.

My sister was told by a friend to not go look at double wide homes, has anyone heard of this?  Something about famoutahide?  (Don't know correct spelling, just heard it's this?)

Any help would be greatly appreciated!  She is 8 months pregnant and she is looking to buy a double wide in the next 3 months, she don't know if she should go with her husband to look at them anymore.  Last time she got dizzy and really hot she said.

So I originally thought that THIS, RIGHT HERE, may be the greatest message-board post in the history of message boards, but then I learned that 1) I needed Google's help for the correct spelling of formaldehyde too, and 2) FEMA gave a whole slew of Katrina victims formaldehyde-tainted trailers and they caused a shitload of health problems, and 3) I am a giant snobby mean ass, and should stick with the self-mockery from here on out. Amen. Cough.

*Eggplant contains NICOTINE, people. Nicotine! STEP AWAY FROM THE ALTRIA-BRANDED FROZEN EGGPLANT PARMESAN DINNER BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL.