Grateful
Oh right. Bye.

Eggplant Will Make Your Baby Addicted to Cigarettes & Other Important Lessons*

After digging around in my archives for Noah's first-trimester glamor shots (damn torso-only ultrasound shot! is no help! NO HELP AT ALL!), I stumbled across this entry. My first thought was, "wow, I used to make fun of people who weren't me? what a passive-aggressive little bitch I was!" And then my second thought was, "wait, I recently told the Internet about the time I peed my pants at work, I am sooooo going back to those message boards right this minute."

And so I did, but it was for research. For science. In search of the answer to a very burning science-y question: Has the Internet gotten one lick smarter in the past three years?

What about the radiation from photocopiers? Doesn't that pose a threat? I think I conceived on Monday and have been using a photocopier for eight hours in each of the last two days with the top up {I was copying large books, so I couldn't close it}. Could this harm the initial cell formation of the zygote as it is traveling to the uterus?

Fuck that, I think I conceived ON TOP of the photocopier. Could this cause me to give birth to a radioactive fire-breathing dragon of some sort?

PS On an unrelated note, I have some kind of embarrassing photocopies that I need to destroy, so is it safe to use a paper shredder while pregnant? What if my uterus gets caught in the blades?

r u suppose to cramp at 6 weeks

y. like ttly norml, accordin to my bff jill.

i used it all and did it all during my pregnancy. so long as you have fun and dont hurt yourself or your baby, go ahead and be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, my new official expert and poet laureate for the Zero to Forty column.

If this is your first pregnancy, and you don't know if you your at risk for pre term labor, I would wait until your in the second trimester before having orgasms.

But I thought I was supposed to be a freak in the sheets bed! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, ANONYMOUS PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET!

I definitely don't think a pregnant woman has any business going to a rock concert. Not because of the noise but because of all the smoke from cigarettes and marijuana. Anyone who's been to a rock concert knows you almost always end up with a contact high especially if you're sitting close to the pit (it's not as bad if it's an outdoor concert). Not to mention if people start getting out of control and you get trampled.

This poster's nickname is LinkinParkChik3. Good Linkin Park nicknames get taken hella fast in the pregnancy forums, as I'm sure you all know.

My sister was told by a friend to not go look at double wide homes, has anyone heard of this?  Something about famoutahide?  (Don't know correct spelling, just heard it's this?)

Any help would be greatly appreciated!  She is 8 months pregnant and she is looking to buy a double wide in the next 3 months, she don't know if she should go with her husband to look at them anymore.  Last time she got dizzy and really hot she said.

So I originally thought that THIS, RIGHT HERE, may be the greatest message-board post in the history of message boards, but then I learned that 1) I needed Google's help for the correct spelling of formaldehyde too, and 2) FEMA gave a whole slew of Katrina victims formaldehyde-tainted trailers and they caused a shitload of health problems, and 3) I am a giant snobby mean ass, and should stick with the self-mockery from here on out. Amen. Cough.

*Eggplant contains NICOTINE, people. Nicotine! STEP AWAY FROM THE ALTRIA-BRANDED FROZEN EGGPLANT PARMESAN DINNER BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL.

Comments

Lori

You crack my ass up.

Starbuck

The paper shredder tidbit? Totally true. My sisters friends second cousin's daughter had her uterus fallout right next to a paper shredder. Fortunately, it was running in reverse so it pushed her uterus back in.

Emily

So she's not supposed to go LOOK at double-wides with her husband, but she still plans to LIVE IN ONE?

starrynite

Lol, loving the google ads for photocopiers and no smoking signs!

The scary thing is that these people will soon be responsible for an actual human being!

Luba

too too funny....that made my day =)

Adele Richards

I'm still laughing about the concern over pedicures...awww so cute!

Ellen

Whatevs, she totally stole that lady in the streets line from Ludacris.

(Please get Ludacris to be your poet laureate. He can't get pregnant I know, but how great would that be? Certainly he is full of opinions.)

Ashley

but the question is...what is "it" that you should use to make you a freak in the sheets?

also - wtf about the double wide woman.

Missie

As a receptionist in a doctor's office, I ran into my share of stupid pregnant women. One girl of 16 brought in her new puppy to the dr appt because "Puppies need, like, sooo much more care than babies, and I couldn't find a sitter for him while I came here!"

Suzy Q

FEMA totally fucked up its Katrina response, then and ever after.

There are even still some Hurrican Andrew trailers around, as well, from 1992. Wonder if they were ever tested?

Also, as far as pregnancy precatuions go, BEWARE OF THE SPINNING TOOTHBRUSHES!! They can TOTALLY rip your fetus out through your mouth! I know, because it happened to my cousin's boyfriend's aunt's second daughter's best girlfriend's hairdresser.

Sara

My favorite is my pregnant friend who keeps sending me urgent messages about how she asked her doctor about a medicine/activity/whatever and he said it was fine, but then! A nurse! Said something different! WHAT SHOULD SHE DO?!

I really want a second baby, but I really don't want a second go-round of people sending me books about the horrors of fetal alcohol syndrome and warnings about how if my husband smokes OUTSIDE, he needs to take a shower before coming within forty feet of me, because smoke is bad for the baby. I also don't need to hear about fish, cheese, parsley, folic acid, or hairspray (with regard to pregnancy) EVER AGAIN.

Kristen

That is some funny shit! And also scary, these people are going to responsible for another human? Good luck to them!

Megan

Dude, I think I was totally pregnant when I went on a ton of amusement park rides. I didn't *get* pregnant on said rides, though - I want to make the distinction clear.

Alice

Oh dear god, I remember that post you linked to - with the soft cheeses and tanning beds and all - I commented on it! Doesn't seem like all that long ago, yet look how big Noah is now!

DiaryofWhy

Is this what I have to look forward to if I get pregnant? Sheer, abject stupidity and loss of all common sense and reason? Sweet.

Alicia

I heart internet forums for this reason exactly. And then I weep after reading them, because for every one of the stupids you come across (and it doesn't matter what the topic), you know there are 1000 more out there just like them that are not posting. It's like mice. Or roaches. So sad. But funny.

kirida

Most of the forum posters sound like they just listened to a lot of Ludacris before typing.

Kellybeans

Oh, my god. I am totally heterosexual, married with a kid, but I think I am in love with you. Seriously. You crack me up.

jodifur

Tell me you did this on baby center boards, because that place, insane.

Jen

Thank you for reminding me why I stay far, far, far away from message boards. They make me weep for humanity and want to run into things with my car.

Kristin

Wow, getting pregnant opens up whole new worlds, doesn't it? Stupefying, perhaps, but entertaining in a "For real? These are real people who really think this way?" kind of way.

Erin

Wow. I just read this while sitting in a doctor's office waiting for an ultrasound (of my ovary, not a baby...BORING!) And I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. I would've been really upset if I'd had to drink another 32 oz of water! :)

Ramona

Ahahaha! Too funny! Will definitely forward to my bff Jill.

Danell

Oh my god, the comments today? Are as funny as your post!

Ree

CLASSIC Amalah. Absolutely.

Audra

Mockery is fun and there is no better target then a pregnant woman who thinks she is going to give birth to a salmon if she eats to much fish.

I think the only pregnancy "rule" I stuck strongly too was the no changing the cat box and only because that was in my favor.

Diane

No guilt for the poking fun! Always more room for poking fun in my corner of the universe.

Jen L.

Ok, this made me laugh so hard I woke my baby up! (he is glaring at me now) These message boards sent me into a small panic attack early in my pregnancy before I discovered fun, smart blogs like yours. I was like "CRAP--are these the people I'm going to have to "chat" with for 9 months?"

Dana

Hmmm...maybe I could start eating lots of eggplant to help me quit smoking...that's got to be cheaper than the patch...

Does the yummy fried eggplant from the Chinese place count?

This is just more evidence that there should be some sort of test before people are allowed to reproduce.

Meredith

r u suppose to cramp at 6 weeks
IDK-- ask your OB/GYN?

Also, if trailers can cause you to be sick at all, shouldn't you avoid them AFTER you give birth as well, or is it ok to have a perfectly fine baby and then inflict postnatal brain damage?

For some laughs, check out:http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/ if you haven't already. :)

Kimba

Apparently I need to start checking these message boards, clearly I am missing a lot of important information!

This is fantastic, perfect for my crap-tastic Monday!

Katie

wait... as i recall, i ate a ton of eggplant Parmesan to induce labor (because the internet told me so!) so now your telling me that i have given my son enough nicotine to make him a teen aged chain smoker!!! great.

psumommy

Ah, the message boards. I manage to forget each time how frustrating they get. At first it's kinda fun to 'go back' when you've had more than 1 child to help reassure the first-time moms, but after a while, I want to throw things and yell because, despite what most of what my teachers said, there IS such a thing as a stupid question. And those stupid questions get asked over...and over...and over...and SHUT UP ALREADY and use the search feature.

(Seriously, people. Pregnancy does NOT = idiocy. THINK.)

jam

If you want some serious parenting lulz - check out the parenting101 community at livejournal (http://community.livejournal.com/parenting101/) . i don't post there because it's geared toward little ones and my son is 10, but I read it daily so I can shake my head and laugh at the ZOMG SLINGS KILL BABEEZZ!! posts.

FabGirl

Best post of the year so far! Everyone in the house is staring at me like I've lost my mind. Then I read the comments and find they are just as hilarious. Heeee!

Becca

Do you think it's safe to use my garbage disposal?

But seriously, can you blame these women when books like "What to Expect" advise you to have your microwave professionally tested for radiation leaks? Or to not swim in water deeper than your head?

Kyla

So. funny.

cagey

On 7/9/07, 3 days past my due date, I went to a Persian buffet and gorged myself on baba ghanouj. Three hours later I went into labor while watching Flight of the Conchords.

A few months ago, I heard an old wive's tale that eggplant can spur labor. While not true, I still giggle when I read about pregnant women eating eggplant.

Crystal

Isn't it ironic that I got the link to your board from one of the aforementioned messageboards?
You? Funny.
Not to mention, I think you've been reading my mind.

Nothing But Bonfires

Goddammit, I NEVER get a contact high when I go to concerts. Maybe next time, all the pregnant women in the audience could give me theirs.

thora

This has been great fun; I am generally annoyed by forum-dumbass-ness - but when it's consolidated as such and someone else is already making fun of it I evidently quite enjoy it!
ttfn.

Bacchus

OOOooooh my G-D! I'm not even pregnant and I almost peed. My son thought I had lost my mind earlier when I read this. His two year old brain couldn't fathom what was so funny and I kept telling him... her uteras could fell out. He didn't get it. Guess he had to be there. LOL

Don't forget that tofu will make your baby gay?

Maria

Too funny.

Tomato and potato also contain a small amount of nicotine according to the internet.

Helen

Yeah but your snobby mean ass is just so bloody hilarious, please don't go getting all kind on us.

Liana

For real- a little snobbiness once in a while never hurt anyone, right? 'Cause MAN that was funny! And laughter is good for us! :)

christine

Ah, the wonderful expert guidance of the internets. One wonders what we did before we had marginally educated but passionately devoted people to guide us through life.

Beckie

Holy Mother Of Pearl! First, am laughing so hard I kinda almost sorta peed myself a little. Second, you have that effect on me a lot - I've just never had the cajones to comment before and say it. Third, belated congratulations (why belated? - well see above). And last but certainly not least, I'm so jelous that I didn't have the internet ten years ago when I was pregnant.

Tiffany

I was yelled at just a few weeks ago for using the microwave to make my popcorn because I'm pregnant. My microwave!! She was all, "That's why we have husbands, make sure you're in another room..." uh. NO. I'll make sure you're in another room, far far away with lots of padding, CRAZY LADY.

Deanna

Oh my, that was all so mean and judgemental, especially the older post you linked to. Snarf! That's the kind of stuff my brain says all the time and I try really hard not to let out of my mouth! Fantastic! Keep it up!

Kim

I weep for the future if these are the people who are reproducing. However, I laugh when I read you!

Linda

Too funny! Besides, haven't you heard? It's not the eggplant that kills you! It's the 20 gazillion chemicals it produces when you try to smoke it! Ummm, I mean nicotine...I heard doctors are using nicotine to grow new blood vessels in bodies post surgery, so I think you'll be safe with the eggplant as long as yo don't inhale the fumes if you burn it. But do stay away from green tea during your pregnancy :) It's bad for the neural tube somethingorother developement I hear.

Sus

Hi, Amy! Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm a long-time reader of your blog and I am also pregnant (20 weeks). I debated whether or not to leave this comment with the following link, but I really feel like I should share the info I found. I am 38 years old, so mainly because of my age I have already had three ultrasounds (one to determine due date, one with nuchal translucency and one with amnio), and have decided today to cancel my 20 week ultrasound after reading these (and other) studies online:

http://www.icpa4kids.org/research/pregnancy/ultrasound.htm

Apparently ultrasounds may be harmful to developing babies and may potentially cause problems with cell growth, brain damage, speech delay, etc. I don't want to be an alarmist, but I am now wishing I'd just done the amnio from the get go and only allowed one of those ultrasounds to occur. Apparently the 4D ultrasounds are even worse because they are so much stronger. Believe me, I was excited to get a chance to see my baby again today, but after reading, researching and much internal debate, I have decided not to do another ultrasound. Just thought I would throw this out there for what it's worth...

sheilah

The sad thing is the truly stupid don't know why anyone is laughing.

Suzanne

I think that the women should also be required to add their list of potential baby names to their questions. I'm guessing there are quite a few potential Maddisynns and Nevaehs assuming they make it out the double wide alive.

Candy

Even though I had already heard about the Katrina-formaldehyde thing, I still roared over the double-wide post. That shit you just can't make up.

And that poet? She's just quoting Ludacris. HE"s the poet laureate.

Val

Just what we need to have contributed to the comments about the crazy alarmist message board people! Sheilah was right people just don't get it!

Jodie

I love this and totally did the same thing during my pregnancy. My favorite was people concerned about taking a bath and "hard boiling" their baby if the water was too hot.

Keep it up... I'm loving this post and would love to see a weekly feature of dumb internet Q & A.

Emily

It's official.

You MUST make more of these posts during this pregnancy. No wait, EVER.

Lisa

No need to mock.. Just have pity on them and their kids. But don't feel too bad, it's not like you did it again. Oh wait.. ;p

Mer

It seems to me that this entry should be slapped with a warning since my laughter might cause me to lose control of my uterus and the baby might pop out. Does the NIH know about this looming threat to pregnant woman?

Annie Where-but-here

Not sure if you should be the patron saint of kegels, or the mascot for Depends, but you go, grrrrl!

Tootsie Farklepants

I need to alert my SIL. She lives in a triple wide. Man is she f*cked.

Another Amy

OH EMILY IS BRILLIANT! I second her motion for a weekly installment of pregnant internet dumbassery!

Kay

OMG if the internet would of existed when I got pregnant I probably would of never recovered or gotten one moments sleep the entire 9 months. Old Wives tales given by your great Aunt Franny were nothing compared to this mess! LOL

Kay

Oh I just had to come add this.
True story. In college I had a 6 month pregnant girl (I am ashamed to call her a friend so let's say co-ed shall we?) come to me and ask if it would be ok to go swimming pregnant or would her baby drown?

(blink..blink..blink blink was my response I think)
I think maybe her baby was floating in oxygen perhaps instead of H20?

jonniker

Admittedly, I've read this three times since yesterday and it NEVER FAILS to crack me up, because it so clearly illustrates the alternate universe created in message boards.

Aaaand, it reminds of precisely WHYYYY I've stayed off of them during this TTC journey because man, I am so susceptible to this kind of thing and would convince myself that these crazy women are RIGHT and I should pee upside down and only eat papaya on the toilet.

Elizabeth

omg, I snorted when I read "my bff jill". What the heck did pregnant women DO before message boards? How did they get their urgent photocopier and doublewide trailer questions answered? Thank goodness we have the interwebs now.

merideth

dang - you ARE mean! i forgive you only b/c i have a low tolerance for stupidity.

i am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but one's uterus actually CAN fall out! (well, prolapse.) some women use a pessary to hold it in (up).

plus, i once heard sarah silverman say she STUBBED her uterus.

and (absolutely true story, although only slightly related to the topic at hand b/c it involves a uterus) my friend the rn was "test-driving" a uterine weight (you heard me right) ... think kegel-barbells ... when it fell out. at the grocery store. right down and out the leg of her jeans. it rolled under the cashier's station and she just kept walking.

Barb

You're still my hero. I'm not sure if it's because of this story, or in spite of it.

Leaf, probably...

passive-aggressive posting is THE BEST.

Dana Whitaker

The internet nosies jumped all over me when my husband gave me an electric blanket for Christmas when I was pregnant with the Younger Son. They told me that it would damage the development of the baby's hearing. My midwife and I got a good laugh out of that one.

The comments to this entry are closed.