Out Californee Way
May 20, 2008
My Internet died yesterday morning, very suddenly, but I didn't think it was anything unusual -- I get bumped off our wireless router occasionally and it's never anything some random plug-jiggling or power-cycling won't fix -- but yesterday was different. I couldn't get back on. I power-cycled everything from the router to my laptop to the refrigerator two rooms over and still, no Internet. I sent some frantic emails from my iPhone -- helpless-sounding ones to my husband ("can I like...plug something into the wall? all old school and shit? does the Internet still sometimes work like that?") and profanity-laden ones to everybody else ("MAH LIMBS HAVE BEEN REMOVED! I NEED WIKIPEDIA! ALSO HOW DO YOU SPELL SCHADENFREUDE?")
And then my phone's internet capabilities died in the late afternoon, as if a black cloud of non-connectivity had settled over the entire house, and I was completely lost and unable to find anything to amuse myself with, so I watched the Food Network and attempted to reboot the router once every 3.218 minutes, just in case that suddenly did anything.
Finally I managed to find an actual network cable in our basement and plugged it in and voila! Internet! Provided I didn't move more than two-and-a-half feet away from the router, which is...not near any chairs. I pulled up a chair and sat down and prepared to make up for all the lost hours ("BLOG BLOG BLOG JEZEBEL GOOGLE NEWS FARK BLOG ADDICTIVE FLASH GAME BLOG") but found myself just staring at a blank Typepad page in bafflement. I couldn't write anything. I was stuck. That damn network cable was strangling the flow of ideas and this chair was uncomfortable and not my normal blogging couch and anyway, that's why I never got around to writing a follow-up to Friday's entry and all the awesome comments and responses, because all I could finally think to write was a tantrum about not having Internet, and I felt you deserved more than that.
The Internet mysteriously started working again 30 seconds before Jason got home and has been fine ever since, which: obviously, because how else could you be reading THIS tantrum about now having Internet, i.e. exactly what I just said I could have written yesterday but didn't but MY POINT IS, I'm really not getting much sleep lately.
So I don't really feel like I'm at my sharpest or wittiest these days, and I've been struggling to come up with a response to Melissa's comment:
But also, this really scares me. I'm a lawyer, fiance is a lawyer, we both work long hours, and no way we can work these hours once we decide to have kids. It's clear I'll be the one to cut back the most (although he'll frankly have to as well, because seriously, we were both up until 4am working last night). Anyway, your comments about staying home and its effect on your opinion of yourself scare me. Your comments about feeling like you're always working to meet deadlines but yet you feel like a drain on the finances scare me. Comments about it not occurring to him to put the kid to bed or brush the babies teeth scare me. And the 345 comments agreeing with you scare me. I don't want to resent myself. Or my husband. I don't want to feel like I can't go to as many happy hours as him b/c what I do isn't as important. But I look at you and everyone else and it seems like it's simply inevitable? Scary.
Dude, I know, right? It IS scary. It scared the ever-loving shit out of me three, four, five years ago. It scared the shit out of me Thursday night, while I sat at Chipotle alone, both relishing the damn LUXURY of sitting alone while also feeling a tad terrified at my aloneness -- what if Jason and I ever had a really big fight? What if there was ever a fight where I wasn't sure of an inevitable resolution and calm apology from both sides? What if he cheated? What if he left me? What would I do? I mean, screw the heartbreak and all that shit, what would I do? How would I pay bills, rent, car payments?
(I would like to remind everyone that I got myself into this state all because he DIDN'T BRING HOME A BURRITO LIKE I WANTED. Menfolk, please take note of Exhibit A of the Female Mind and FEED US ACCORDINGLY.)
I'm just gonna take a deep breath and toss this out there now: our marriage almost ended once. Years and years ago, long before Noah. We got through it, obviously, but...it was bad. Awful. We never talk about it and yet I know neither of us will forget it, and we both blame ourselves for letting things get to that point. We got married young. We grew up and apart. We settled into a day-to-day roommate rut before we were out of our mid-20s. We were always working late, he was always in meetings and too busy to talk, then we got home and watched TV and went to bed and then woke up the next day to jockey silently for the shower and he'd go back to work and meetings and I would go back to work where a married guy friend lavished me with email and IM attention all day and we would go out for lunch and listen to my stories and make me laugh and whatever, we were FRIENDS and he was MARRIED and SO NOT MY TYPE, ANYWAY. Then Jason would IM me during the day to remind me to pick up the dry-cleaning.
Sigh.
No, I didn't cheat on Jason or have any type of physical affair, thank GOD, but the betrayal was still there. I didn't really want the other man who was sending me text messages on my phone, but...I liked the text messages. I liked feeling like I was interesting and new and someone you looked forward to seeing in the evenings, regardless of whether or not I remembered to bring home the dry-cleaning. Those are all hard requests to articulate -- sort of like Emily's story about her husband bringing home flowers after she asked for flowers but that's not really the point because...uh...I want you to want to bring me flowers. Or something like that. It felt easier at the time to just disengage from my marriage than to save it.
When the situation finally became officially Ugly and Ultimatum-Like, Jason looked me in the eyes and grabbed my hands and told me that I was worth fighting for.
And I was shocked, because never in my life have I felt like such a bad, worthless person.
And all that happened when we didn't have children, when I worked and showered everyday and got promotions and bonuses and plenty of sleep.
I guess I'm telling this story just to say...it's ALWAYS SCARY. None of us want our relationships to fall apart or be anything different than they are on the glowy day of the proposal or wedding or when you first collapse on a mattress on the floor of your first home, surrounded by paint cans and champagne glasses and dreams of coming home to candlelit dinners and one day gently laying your newborn in a crib in the spare bedroom.
Jason and I talked a lot about what happened on Thursday. I plagiarized y'all copiously -- I hope you don't mind -- using Kara's stomach flu analogy to explain my rocky relationship with food and Starbuck's assurance that we are simply in the most financially draining time of our life, no way around it, but it's not forever. I connected the dots between his 3 pm "oh I'm going to happy hour, won't be late" email with the fact that a girl's night out for me gets planned a month in advance if at all, and that his recent suggestion that we just go "a couple months" without a second car after the lease is up was just salt in my already-isolated, never-leave-the-house, its-not-like-YOU-have-anywhere-to-be wound. It was a good talk, one that we needed to have, all very calm and therapeutic and we baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies while we talked.
At some point, however, the self-mockery many of you gently chastised me for on Friday reared its ugly head and I jokingly said something like, "I promise I won't ALWAYS be this much of a drain!"
This made him put down the spatula and step away from the stove in shock. He looked me in the eyes and grabbed my hands and told me I wasn't a drain, he has never thought that, not once.
So yes,it's scary. You put your faith in the other person to not cheat on you or hurt you. You let them make the mortgage payments while you pursue a law degree or a writing career or stay home and raise the children. You trust them to celebrate your successes and to always be on your side and to never hurt your feelings in public. To forgive you when you mess up. To put up with you even when you're driving each other ABSOLUTELY CRAZY ABOUT <UNRELATED TOPIC>. And to remember that you are worth it, worth talking to, worth fighting for.
And likewise, you promise to remember that they're worth it all too, and to take a deep breath sometimes and just let yourself get a little speechless over the loveliness of your imperfect, frustrating, wouldn't-change-it-for-a-billion-dollars life.
I'm commenting because I think these posts, while surely cathartic, must have also been very difficult for you to write, and I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your efforts.
I have to say, I don't believe in stereotyping "the woman/wife's experience" vs "the man/husband's experience". I actually am in the position of supporting my husband while HE'S in grad school and I'm making the big bucks.
That said, I think it's really interesting that he doesn't feel any of the insecurities that I see the women in his exact same shoes expressing in the comments here. And you know, if I were in those shoes of being the provided for rather than the provider, I'd feel insecure, too. I wonder why that is? Why do so many women feel so helpless and misunderstood where men would just feel entitled and angry?
I think you're describing some real vulnerabilities that women in long-term relationships feel, regardless of who's actually making the money. That fight from the other night would have played out exactly the same way with me and my husband, even despite the fact that he's financially dependent on me. (And even though we don't have any children, yet.)
Oh Amy. Like many others, I really needed this, and I think my husband needed to know that I'm not the only one. It's very hard. It's very scary. We make sacrifices based on what's best for our relationships, our families, but what if those relationships fail us?
It's terrifying, and is one of those things that you can't plan for, because anticipating it feels so silly until you're in it. And this is the reason that some feminists and plenty of books will tell us to NEVER STOP WORKING. YOU GIVE UP YOUR POWER.
But life isn't always a feminist edict. It just isn't. We make choices that are best for US, and sometimes that means putting ourselves at relative risk.
The last time I went all, "But I'm not WORKING LIKE YOU! AM FINANCIAL DRAIN AND NOT CONTRIBUTING LIKE YOU!" Adam tried to make me promise that it would be the last time I brought it up. Which: HAHAHAHAHAHA, no can do. It's my default freak-out these days, and I expect that it will only get worse.
Thanks for saying it.
That sounds just like what happened with my husband and I. Married at 19, the relationship devolved into a no-sex roomate relationship by our mid-20s. He spent more time on his computer game than looking me in the eye, and I became real good friends with someone I knew online that evolved into real and actual physical cheating. It was horrible. I had an ectopic pregnancy before things got really bad, and while that still breaks my heart, I am glad that we didn't have any children to try and "save" the marriage.
The marriage didn't survive because I wasn't willing to be the only one fighting for it. And even now, years later, I still wonder if leaving was the right choice. If I should see if we can make it work again.
Did I try hard enough? I still have trouble telling people what I need from them - if he doesn't want to bring me flowers, if he doesn't want to turn off the computer and have an adult conversation with me, if he doesn't want to put any work into Us, what right do I have to make him? But what if I made a terrible mistake in leaving?
I don't even remember what the point of this comment was, but thank you for your post, Amy!
This is exactly what I needed today. Exactly.
My husband and I are 25, have been married not even two years, and are at the scary roommate point. We have been for a while, but now I realize I can't live like this anymore. So we're trying to fight for our relationship. And it's awful and hard, and I don't know how things got so awful and hard in the first place.
A few weeks ago I went back and read a post you wrote when you were pregnant with Noah about marrying Jason, and I cried and cried and cried because I'm not sure my husband and I will ever be that happy, and I can't conceive of getting to a point where our marriage is solid and good enough to bring children into it. And I do want children someday, desperately. I want to feel honored to be carrying the child of the man I love. And I want that someone to be my husband.
Today you gave me hope enough to keep trying.
Thank you. So much.
As always, a lovely post. But since none of it applies to me, I'm totally excited that you're into Jez and want to know who you are so I can have your back in a fight!
Amy, that was amazing and beautiful and thought-provoking and reassuring all at the same time. I always think of you as "Amy, writer of the funniest blog I know and I hope she updated today!" I often forget about the other side of you -- the side full of wisdom and insight who can teach so many.
I just mowed the lawn like that with my three-year-old on Sunday! (But our mower is green.)
I've been a SAHM for eight years now, I go back and forth between feeling guilty for not contributing financially, and feeling good that I'm giving my children something only my husband or I could give them. Of course, it is easier to quelch the guilt knowing that since we have four kids, I could never get a jobs that would pay enough to cover child care.
Ok, so this was an incredibly poignant post but it didn't completely address Melissa's comment. My fears were similar to hers and my frustration at having to give up so much more than my husband is HUGE. I don't hate him because of it and we still have a good relationship, but dude. It SUCKS. Really, really sucks. She's right. If they have kids she will give up so much more. Sometimes it is very, very, very hard, especially if you love your job. I still work, and it is still hard. My husband is awesome and totally steps in, but it is still hard. If I could be the dad, I would in a second.
Three weeks ago I submitted my resignation to my high-powered, six-figure job. I quit. I quit because I needed to stay home with my chilren - three of whom I didn't give birth to, but arried in to. My children are 14, 12 (tomorrow), 9, and 7. I always thought of staying home with babies - but at this age they need me at home with them as much as ever.
I am terrified of the cut in our budget. I am terrified of "losing" my skillset. I'm terrified that when I want to go back to work, there won't be anything for me.
But my children are worth it. The sacrifice is for them - and really for me too - I was beyond stressed. I think no one can prepare you for how your priorities change once you're a mom. Yes, you miss the happy hours and going out without planning and being carefree...but I think even you'd admit, Amy, that the times when you really miss those things are only when you're overtired, or hormonal - the rest of the time the benefits you get are worth it.
My marriage almost ended once too. When my husband was in seminary to become a pastor--HAHAHAHAHA! No one is immune from the challenges of married life. Two sinful people trying to love each other sinlessly? NOT going to happen without a few bumps along the way.
Anyway, our stories are very similar. You are definitely not alone. Much love!
Beautiful post. Thank you.
Its so worth it! I loved your last post, how real and honest you were and I love how with this one you tied it all together. It's life right! We don't fall in love, we have to wake up and choose to love our spouse, sometimes its easy, sometimes its hard.
((HUGS))
Wiping weepy pregnant tears from my eyes:
It is true that being a SAHM leaves one feeling DEPENDENT more often than not. Especially when you devote your days to tykes who do not go to school yet. After all, how would you work if your kid had no place to go?
I'm always drawing from the lives of other to ground me. My sister who was pregnant with her second when her husband died suddenly. My friend whose husband discovered he was gay in the middle of their adoption. The neighbor whose wife had to be hospitalized for post-partum depression, and a year later is still in a home. Those people are my touchstone to the knowledge that I could make it if something happened to my marriage. They are also a reminder that I need to keep good relationships with neighbors.
So, as scary as it is to imagine the worst, don't forget to look around at those who have gone on to thrive after the bottom dropped out.
Aw.
This time with more feeling: AWWWW.
You should know I had a good ponder about whether you really baked cookies with your husband or was that one of your funny little Amalah ways of putting things and I decided that I think you guys really baked cookies and now I just want cookies. Do you think you could send some my way?
Now that post brought tears to my eyes even more than the meatloaf post and I just want to thank you for saying every single word you said. Most people are way too scared to admit those things about their own relationship. I am right now 6 weeks pregnant with my first and the husband and I are just starting to sort out all those details that really do start to make me feel like maybe I should just stay home and give up the car and all those "little" things because it makes sense financially but there are so many fears that go along with making those decisions.
This is a strange place that the modern woman finds herself and it is up to us to sort it out for ourselves and not let other people (even our husbands) make us feel bad for making those choices.
Also - I have requested Thai food to be brought home for dinner tonight and if it is not here by 7:30, there will be problems. Food is priority #1 to the pregnant woman. Do not question it. That is all.
Ahh, yes, the rocky road of marriage (AND parenthood). It is SO worth it though--thanks for sharing your story with us :).
If you do get rid of the second car make sure you get a backpack.
And make HIM carry it. You get the car.
Boy, do you have it right. It IS always scary.
These last two posts were very moving and thought provoking. Thanks for being willing to put this out there. You're brave, and awesome.
Also, I might hate you for being such a great writer. But only a little bit.
Crap. This made me cry. Again. And especially because the probem you described, that almost ended your marriage? I went through almost exactly that just 5 months ago. And I've been married for 7 years and have 3 children. It was the darkest and scariest time in our marriage yet. I still feel that black pit of 'what was I DOING' that I fear I will never get over, on top of a million emotions that I'm not brave enough to put onto the internet- or, heck, out of my own head.
These last 2 entries have hit so close to home with me it's scary. And even though I don't know you, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you and Jason had a GOOD talk, because so many times I hear of things like this and the man pulls the But I'm A Man crap to excuse himself, or the wife pulls the He's Just A Man I Need To Put Up With It crap and that just breaks my heart. So a huge, big yay for both of you.
Your Night of the Meatloaf post could have so totally and absolutely happened in my house. Except my husband, as wonderful as he is 95%of the time, would NEVER have apologized and would not have brought me anything the next night. He would have, however, been sad that I was upset and he may have gotten mad that I was over-reacting. It may sound awful, but 90% of the time, that's exactly what I need - for him to call me on the carpet on my ridiculous-ness. BTW, he also puts our family first and his career, hobbies, friends, and free time a distant, distant second. In fact, although I'm a SAHM I think he's more self-less than I am!
Choosing to have children and be a mother must be a self-less act at it's core. Otherwise people do wind up feeling resentful at their core. It is so, so scary to give up a career or even to cut back on one. Some people manage do it, we did not. It was my choice to quit my job 10 months ago when #2 was born. Not a single day goes by that I regret it - even the days where I wonder if we will EVER have extra money again. It has FORCED us to simplify and de-materialize our life and sometimes it makes me sick to think of the excess we once had (especially my shoes ;-). Melissa, DO NOT have a baby because you want one, or because they are cute, or because it will be fun to dress them up or because you want somebody to love you. Have a baby because you want to LOVE LOVE LOVE like you have NEVER LOVED BEFORE and ask for nothing in return.
I really appreciated this post, because my husband and I not so long ago went through our "dark time". We got stationed overseas just weeks after getting married, and I got pregnant. I had no job, no friends, nothing. I stayed home all day with a poop machine and hated him all day. Then it got a little better, then we came home. Then it got worse again because I hated him still for "taking me there and leaving me alone all the time". I love my husband. He is a good man, and a good father, and although he farts in his sleep and watches too much baseball, he pretty much does everything he's told and buys jewelry regularly. But it is really scary because despite marriage counseling (yes, scary marriage counseling) there are still things that he has said that I can't forget and hurt that hasn't healed. Now I am pregnant with #2 and I am just hoping that we do't get shipped anywhere any time soon, because at least now I have a babysitter and a neighbor with twins who drinks. Thanks for sharing - because it's better to know that I'm not the only mom who gets scared shitless periodically (irregardless of irrational pregnancy hormones).
Absolutely beautiful post - thank you! :)
ooooh! window to my soul! recently laid off and being the "economy drain" myself. i feel guilty asking to go get a pedicure--something i used to do every other week. i feel like our house has to be immaculate all the time since i am always in it. and i miss the attention also...
I've been married 15 years this month and I tell ya, I'm not sure I would do it all over again, given how hard it is. It is really hard.
My inlaws have been married 68 years! SIXTY-EIGHT YEARS! And she says it never stops being work. And so far it hasn't stopped being worth it, either.
This is my first time posting a comment here after reading for the past few months. I have to commend you Amalah on how you wrote this post. It is beautifully written. Gets the point across honestly and powerfully. Thank you for your honesty and candor.
I would also like to point out that it isn't always the woman who feels like the drain, who's self worth is challenged. Sometimes it is the husband who struggles with these issues. And often struggles alone since it isn't a traditional role for men and it is hard to find a sympathetic ear. I know when my husband was at home with our kids and struggling with his issues of self worth it took some re-orientation on my part to understand what he was going through.
Nice South Park reference.
This post is great. I concur completely with Kara's comment. I wanted to write something similar, but since we don't have kids yet, and when we do I will be working, I felt my comment would come off as too preachy.
Currently he's attending school and will be for the next 3 years. As the person primarily responsible for supporting the household, let me say that as long as there is love and respect (which Jason obviously has for you) there is never a reason to think you are a drain. My husband contributes in so many ways, the most important of which is his love and friendship.
Yeah. That's it. Exactly.
I never got to the second half of your post, the part that everyone else is commenting on. I was glued to you internet troubles becausethe same thing happened to me. And I'm wondering if there are some gremlins about. I write about it here:
http://byjane.blogspot.com/2008/05/why-im-wired-in-wireless-world.html
I'm glad you both found a way to fix things. Sometimes I feel like I don't "matter" to my husband (for lack of a better word. It isn't that I think he doesn't love me or whatever, it is more that I'm just always here and he doesn't feel the need to make an effort anymore. But those aren't the right words either. Either way, I get this post (and the previous one too) and I'm not even pregnant right now. Marriage is hard. Someone should have told us that!
You really are lucky that he will have a conversation with you about things. My husband prefers to just think everything is fine and wait for it to improve. Which I am sure will work out stunningly for both of us. (sarcasm)
All what you said.
A to the men, my dear. We'll be married 15 years in October, with 4 kids, a mortgage, and a minivan, and...I don't know what my point was, but damn. This is your very best post ever.
Brilliant.
This and the meatloaf post are why God, errrr al gore, ummmm "they" invented the internet. You're brilliant, Amalah and I think every woman and any man in touch with his real self can relate to your story. This is the best description of men and women, the difference between the two, and relationships in general that I have ever read. I have emailed all/any of my friends who care with a link to this post and I hope they will enjoy it as much as I do.
Thank you for being more honest on your blog than I could ever hope to be.
This was beautiful, Amy.
Marriage is hard work. So hard. Bur so, SO worth it.
Thanks for this.
Oh Amy, how I love you. But as much as I love you, you know what my first thought was when I read about Jason coming home late and ignoring your burrito request and worst of all, not getting why you reacted the way you did? It was THANK GOODNESS. Even seemingly perfect Jason can totally suck at understanding women sometimes! Phew. Maybe I should give my boyfriend a break.
I completely idolize your relationship and often wish that mine was as strong. So while I was completely on your side and felt awful for you, I also felt relief...Jason clearly loves you and is an amazing guy, so maybe I shouldn't assume differently of my boyfriend just because he seriously messes up in a very similar way from time to time. And while not pregnant, I definitely have oversensitive drama queen tendencies, so maybe I should be putting more of the blame on myself, like you did at certain moments.
But then when I read that he brought you flowers and chocolate ice cream the next day, I was jealous and felt crappy for myself again (but happy for you, because again, love). Even though after reading the comments I decided I somewhat agreed with the people who thought it was a socialized-male quick fix. But the effort was there, and then the talk you had last night and his amazing gesture of grabbing your hands and telling you that you are not a drain (and years ago that you are worth fighting for) shows the true devotion.
My question for you is, what do you when he DOESN'T come through the next day and clearly express that you are worth fighting for? What if his personality makes him incapable of ever giving you the heartfelt apology or in-depth discussion that your personality desires in order to fully get over the fight and move on feeling good about him, yourself, and the relationship? Because my boyfriend and I had a serious blowout over something really small this weekend where he said terrible things to me and I cried in our bedroom for the next 2 days while he lived his life in the next room and ignored me, totally unmoved. When we finally did discuss it, it was in the quick and lighthearted, joking way HE deals with problems. I know he thinks the fight has been adequately dealt with and is over, and that he didn't mean the things he said, but I still feel hurt and not quite so well loved. How much of that is ok? When that happens how do you know if what you have is worth fighting for? Or maybe you are just being pathetic because even though you are not married yet and don't have kids, he makes tons of money and pays most of the mortgage and you're going to an expensive grad school next year and are kind of financially dependent on him? Or you know, some other hypothetical situation =)
Sorry to go off like that. Maybe I should get my own blog instead of wasting all this space on yours!
Anyway, wonderful, wonderful posts. You are a brilliant writer and I admire you so much.
AWWWWW... that all!! :)
Thank you so much for writing this and the last post. I had a freak out on my husband this past weekend and some of it was hormones and some it was just feeling over burdened and worrying what will happen after our baby is born in September. I am so worried about how things will change and whether my career that I worked so hard for the last 10 years will survive not to mention what will happen to our marriage. And well it is just plain reassuring to know I am not alone. Even though I felt very alone this weekend there are women everywhere who have been here and who have come through the other end. So thank you.
Amazing, completely relateable post. About the whole "I want him to want to bring me a bouquet of flowers" thing... That right there was always the essence of the problems I've had with my husband, until one day a therapist asked me, "When you tell him you want him to do x, y and z, does he do it?" and I said, "Well yes, of course, but..." She stopped me and said, "No buts. The fact that he did it, when you told him how much it mattered to you, well that's better then what a lot of people would do. A lot of people would just say, 'No, flowers are frivolous' or 'I'm too tired to take out the trash' but not your husband, he did it. And why does he do it? Because he loves you. Hold on to that man." I swear to God, that advice changed my whole life. Although, yeah, it's still extra-special when I don't HAVE to ask him. But I try to appreciate the fact that he loves me enough to do it, regardless of whether he thought it up on his own or not.
this post is genius.
Love this. Love it.
And I wanted to add, that being a stay at home mom is a very worth while job and a lot of what Amalah and every stay at home mom feels at some point, is totally normal and for me, somewhat self inflicted. It's not like my husband would ever tell me not to go somewhere, it is just that my main priority is the kids and his is his job so that makes me getting out of the house a lot harder than it is for him.
I guess, to sort of address Melissa's point, for me what it boils down to is that marriage has to be teamwork, no matter what your circumstances. While each half of the couple doesn't have to contribute the exact same things to the relationship/household, they do have to contribute equally on the whole (I cook, you handle the online banking, you vaccuum, I make the bed, etc).
Whatever the choice is, teamwork requires strategizing *together* to work out what is best for everyone involved, on a big picture scale (work/kids balance, etc) and on a day-to-day basis (who picks up the dry cleaning).
It's also recognizing the value of the other person's contribution -- if one is working and one is staying at home, it's so easy to think that the person who is building up the 401(k) and paying the mortgage is doing "more" for the household, but imagine if that person had to do that plus everything else -- it would be a billion times harder for them, and they have to realize that, not lord their economic contribution over the non-income-producing spouse.
For dual-income couples, the teamwork aspect is also crucial so that one person doesn't make all the sacrifices all the time, which I think is the main thing Melissa is getting at. It's so easy, as a woman, to be the martyr, to give up the business dinners or the plum job assignments in favor of shouldering most of the kid/home-related load. But it doesn't have to be like that!
This is where choosing an enlightened spouse comes in (and this applies to any work/home scenario) -- men can leave the office early or miss dinners just as well as women can (or to relieve Mom for a night out or whatev); so often, though, we let them get away with not having to. You have to *both* be committed to doing what needs to be done at work and on the home front and make your needs and goals known to the other person. And sometimes that means checking in with them (are you SURE you don't feel like I'm a drain? would it KILL you to get home a little earlier?, etc) and making sure everything's still cool and everyone's pulling their weight and feeling valued.
(I swear I don't mean to sound like a sanctimonious jerk, in case I do. I get kind of fired up about these issues, where women devalue themselves or play the martyr -- and we pretty much ALL do both of those things at one time or another -- and thank God there are the Jasons of the world to call us on it and refuse to accept it. And also bring flowers when the going gets tough.)
Oh, dear God, I wrote a treatise. Also, I should note that our baby girl is currently waiting for us in Vietnam, so, ah, my hifalutin' theory is just that, a theory. It could all fall apart when an actual, live baby resides in our home and we have to figure it all out anew.
Also! I will just note that things would be easier if more employers would jump on the flex-time and extended parental leave bandwagon. Better benefits for parents of all stripes would be great for us all. Or we can all just move to Sweden.
Thank you so much for this post. Thank you. I need my fiance to read. TONIGHT.
Ridiculous as this may sound, this post is the essence of why I am trying to convince my sister in law to leave my brother (or rather, to let him go as he has already left). I don't think he would ever fight for her and she is SO worth fighting for, as are the two little boys he donated sperm to. And how lucky are we that we are with partners who would fight for us and we'd put a bitch's eye/throat/kidney out for.
that was perfect! thank you for sharing the inworkings of you & your relationship, b/c the imperfections make it 'perfect' :)
I hate to rain on your parade...I know that feeling of connectedness like you don't know where your husband and family end and you begin. I also know what it is to give up a successful career, leave it behind and struggle to find something that you can do to earn money and still parent your children. I know that I am not contributing enough feeling and I could afford to live on my own and raise my children properly. I have two elementary age children and one in middle school. My life was just as lovely and worth fighting for as yours...and I caught my husband cheating after almost 15 years. In these "tough economic times" I threw him out of the house, like any modern woman would...and he stayed with a friend. Of course, we can't afford 2 households. My children cried for him to come home every night, he cried on the phone for me to let him come back...and after 6 days, I realized that I had no power. I couldn't afford to raise my own children, didn't want them to have to give up their expensive lessons and clubs, didn't want to move into a condo in a yucky neighborhood...in the end, he doesn't even have to own up. He can keep denying it because my choices are poverty or a cheating husband (who is sorry for the inappropriate emails but SWEARS TO GOD NOTHING HAPPENED, btw). Now I am left doubting myself, doubting him, doubting our life, powerless to change it and the only thing I do know is that I will never know what actually happened.
Aw, it's not scary. It's cake! hahhahahahahahahahaha
This post brings tears to my eyes. Love is very hard work. Thank you.
Lovely post Amalah, seriously. I'm due in November and plan to stay home with the baby and I haven't been anything but excited, that's what a bad job will do to you, but have started thinking lately about wanting to finish school and wondering when / if that will ever happen, and what if the baby comes and I'm suddenly terribly depressed about being "stuck" at home and blah, blah, blah. So, random way of saying thank you! And sharing your difficult marriage issues, so good to know we all have those, as ugly and scary as they are.
i love this sentence...
"None of us want our relationships to fall apart or be anything different than they are on the glowy day of the proposal or wedding or when you first collapse on a mattress on the floor of your first home, surrounded by paint cans and champagne glasses and dreams of coming home to candlelit dinners and one day gently laying your newborn in a crib in the spare bedroom."
that's kind of the point that i'm at with my almost-9-month relationship with my boyfriend. all the daydreams, all the hopes that maybe this one really is the one, that i really can see us going all the way. then i read posts like the meatloaf one, and i know that it's not always peachy and happy and lovey-dovey, and i remember the not-so-great times that john and i have already gone through and are somewhat still going through. then i realize that every time we've had problems, we sit down and talk about it later (when emotions aren't as fired up and we have the beauty of hindsight to smack us in the face) and quite a few times i admit my overly-emotionalness (thanks to PMS) but there have been times that i've told him that yes, i maybe have overreacted a little, but i DID still have a valid point and i DO need him to evaluate that and think about how his behavior hurt me. i've also had to acknowledge that sometimes in that situation i need to flat-out tell him to stop working on his racecar and spend time with me, instead of assuming that he'll come in the house and look for me or read my mind and know that i'm getting annoyed.
sorry, this turned out longer than i thought, but it helps to think via the keyboard sometimes.
p.s. now i wanna bake chocolate chip cookies with my boy...mmmm that sounds so good. maybe i'll make some later to take to him next time i go see him.