For Jason's birthday, I made him finally replace that godawful Eyeball Nipple Lamp in the living room. Happy birthday, darling! Don't electrocute yourself, or else you might miss next year's birthday, when I make you reface the kitchen cabinets.
Installing this absolutely unremarkable lamp required two (2) trips back to the hardware store for missing parts, three (3) hours spent with the lamp hanging two feet down from the ceiling by a small mess of wires while we wondered how soon an electrician could come over and bail us out of this nightmare, and five (5) yards of embroidery thread, which was used in strange ways that I can't even adequately describe, except that we ended up having to like, WEAVE screws through holes, and that sounds like a dirty joke if you are Amish. Weave those screws, baby. You sure know how to churn my butter.
Now, if you come over to our house, I would like to ask that you refrain from standing on the coffee table to poke the New Lamp (I know, it's always so tempting), and also maybe from sitting on the couch and blowing really hard at it, because one set of screws we used is too long and the lamp kind of...wobbles. A lot.
I've also found another fixture that I like better than this one, but I figure we have a couple months before the stray knots of embroidery thread that are still tied around a bunch of internal screws catch on fire. Perfect! Now I don't have to make plans for our wedding anniversary.