The Battle for the Hearts & Armpits of America
June 26, 2008
Or, When an Advice Smackdown Column Idea Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong
Or Or, Why I Don't Do Product Reviews On My Personal Blog
Or Or Or, Jesus God, Do I Need To Get Out More Or What?
SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, hi there! So I know you've always used Secret Platinum, and I bet you were a little thrown when you saw me all over the shelves, but let me explain. The whole "platinum" thing was just a ploy to make you think of jewelry, but like for your armpits, and it really worked for us, especially among girls who were dating fuckwit commitmentphobes. But now my marketing folk tell me that platinum actually gets pretty dinged up and scratched after awhile, and it's time for something new. Secret Sparkly Six-Carat Diamonds was the obvious first choice, but that tested badly with the focus groups, probably on account of that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. So instead I'm "Secret Flawless," complete with a botanical-themed label and package shape. I don't actually contain anything particularly botanical, but Research tells me that nature is super hot right now. Plus, 5 FLAWLESS BENEFITS! Five! I dare any deodorant to offer you more than that.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Hey, what's up?
SECRET FLAWLESS: What the...?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, you noticed my new packaging! What do you think? Six essential benefits! Marketing really went above and beyond this time, I gotta say.
SECRET FLAWLESS: ...
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh! Uh. Hey, five is a GREAT number, dude. People love the primes. What are your five flawless benefits, by the way?
SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, I've got "Skin Nurturing Conditioners."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm. Interesting. We went with "Skin Caring Conditioners."
SECRET FLAWLESS: I'm "Smooth and Lightweight."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: "Smooth and Silky Application." Check.
SECRET FLAWLESS: "Continually Renewing Fragrances."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm, science-y. I've got a "Clean, Fresh Fragrance."
SECRET FLAWLESS: "Goes on Clear!"
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Bitch, please. I'm "Little Black Dress Approved."
SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, and of course I offer "Strong Protection."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Wow, that's really informative. I offer "24-hour Body Responsive Wetness Protection" AND "24-hour Body Responsive Odor Protection.
SECRET FLAWLESS: I am soooo firing my marketing people.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: That's probably a good call. Plus -- and I really hate to point this out, but from the top your cap kinda looks like a vag.
SECRET FLAWLESS: What? No! It's a leaf!
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I'm just saying, man.
SECRET FLAWLESS: Whatever, don't even get me STARTED on all the weirdness going on with your label. A strapless dress with a belt and armpit-length gloves and Tracy Turnblad hair? You know most women have stopped playing with Barbies by the time they buy deodorant.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Okay, THAT'S IT. It's ON, motherfucker.
TOM'S OF MAINE: Hey. Heeeeeey. You guys. Cut it out! Stop fighting! You know, I bet if you would just cut all that aluminum out of your diets you'd be way less irritable. It's like, messing with your neurons and stuff, dudes.
SECRET FLAWLESS: ...
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: ...
TOM'S OF MAINE: Anybody up for a colonic? There's this great place that also sells smoothies...
*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Fucking hippies, man.
SECRET FLAWLESS: God, I fucking smell like patchouli now, or something. Continually renewing fragrance, my ass.
ohgodohgodohgod I just banged my knee on the metal filing cabinet hard enough to bring me to my knees, I was laughing so hard.
Ow.
"Your cap kinda looks like a vag" - holy crap, that's funny. Don't think I'll be buying the new Secret.
This is hilarious, you are awesome, and everyone in my section of the cube farm now thinks I'm nuts. Good times. :)
I can't stop laughing! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does this.
PLEASE don't get out more -- that was hysterical. Seriously, I just got yelled at by my boss because I got busted when I laughed out loud. AND IT WAS WORTH IT.
I also set off the cube farm alarm with my laughter. The good news is that I forwarded it around. The bad news is that not everyone will consider it funny.
Brilliance. Pure unadulterated brilliance.
HAAAAAAAAA!
(And look! Hey! This is the first time ever that the "remember me" checkbox actually did anything!)
Seriously funny!! I love that they just kicked Tom's ass.
Oh, Amy. I love it when you do stuff like this. This is every bit as funny as your Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends shtick.
That was beyond awesome. I love how it ended with a hippie smackdown, too. HA!
Oh, and the only thing in the universe I am allergic to? Secret deodorant. "Strong enough for a woman?" Not this one, buster.
Freaking hilarious.
Freaking hilarious.
Hahahahaha! That was super awesome.
I must say, I was suckered into Degree Ultraclear and it's SIX benefits (or maybe just the pretty picture, or b/c it was on sale), but I think it sucks. I've gone back to my trusty Dove Ultimate Clear.
Laughing so hard I'm f'ing CRYING. Price-less. Love the deodorant TKO! *snort* :)
Haa! Awesome! I'd suggest that you get out more but then what would I read at work?! :)
I think you are hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh today!
The best part is when they both "turn" to look at the Tom's of Maine.
Fucking GE. NEI. US.
"God, I fucking smell like patchouli now" Just awesome.
That was amazing. I think perhaps you should do this more, because you are incredibly talented at making inanimate objects be disturbingly expressive.
Well, I don't know about "gone wrong." If laughing this much is wrong, I don't want to be right.
And the photoplay really adds to it, too.
Oh my goodness that was fucking spectacular. Wow.
This may be funniest blog post from anyone ever.
I swear you are a genius!!!
So damn funny! The top of Secret looking like a vag VS. the Degree looking a little phallic. Wait, am I the only one who noticed?
i just laffed and died.
This was FANTASTIC!
hahahahahahaha I LOVE it! That cracked me up.
This is about the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
AWESOME. Totally freaking hilarious!!!
Oh dear god I think I wet myself laughing. You're an effing genius.
That was amazing and I would totally support this happening more often.
Oh. My. God.
Between you and Dooce today I will get no work done. I have been giggling all day.
HOLY LORD. I think I just passed out, but I came to and am okay now. God. I want to go play with things that don't talk in real life and make them talk right NOW, but I'll wait a few days so's I'm not blatantly copying you.
that? was awesome.
Lemongrass. Tom's makes you smell like Lemongrass. But it doesn't work for shit.
Well, I'm sure I'm not the only one who is so happy that you never leave your house! Too funny!
Hysterical. While I would agree with you, maybe you should get out more often. Please don't you wouldn't brings us stuffing this fucking fantastic if you did!
humping hilarious. p.s. i use dove.
did you buy those just to do this post?
F*cking hilarious Amy. True genius.
That just made my day!
I think you should do all of your product reviews this way.
But, um...so which won? (I'm right there with Alissa, I use Dove, specifically the 'silkening'. It's awesome. I've never had silkier armpits.)
I'll never look at my deodorant the same way again.
Dude - I love the accompanying photos. You are fanTAStic.
(Lady Mitchum, y'all - unscented. Even my manly boyfriend will use it in a pinch.)
More Reviews!! More Reviews !!
PLEAse!! That was so frickin' hilarious!! I so needed that after my day today!! Thanks!!
Janna,
Have to agree with ya - Lady Mitchum all the way!! Never lets me down.
I had no idea pit de-smeller could be so funny.
How am I ever supposed to buy any of those deodorants now? You are too funny!
How am I ever supposed to buy any of those deodorants now? You are too funny!