The Battle for the Hearts & Armpits of America
June 26, 2008
Or, When an Advice Smackdown Column Idea Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong
Or Or, Why I Don't Do Product Reviews On My Personal Blog
Or Or Or, Jesus God, Do I Need To Get Out More Or What?
SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, hi there! So I know you've always used Secret Platinum, and I bet you were a little thrown when you saw me all over the shelves, but let me explain. The whole "platinum" thing was just a ploy to make you think of jewelry, but like for your armpits, and it really worked for us, especially among girls who were dating fuckwit commitmentphobes. But now my marketing folk tell me that platinum actually gets pretty dinged up and scratched after awhile, and it's time for something new. Secret Sparkly Six-Carat Diamonds was the obvious first choice, but that tested badly with the focus groups, probably on account of that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. So instead I'm "Secret Flawless," complete with a botanical-themed label and package shape. I don't actually contain anything particularly botanical, but Research tells me that nature is super hot right now. Plus, 5 FLAWLESS BENEFITS! Five! I dare any deodorant to offer you more than that.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Hey, what's up?
SECRET FLAWLESS: What the...?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, you noticed my new packaging! What do you think? Six essential benefits! Marketing really went above and beyond this time, I gotta say.
SECRET FLAWLESS: ...
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh! Uh. Hey, five is a GREAT number, dude. People love the primes. What are your five flawless benefits, by the way?
SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, I've got "Skin Nurturing Conditioners."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm. Interesting. We went with "Skin Caring Conditioners."
SECRET FLAWLESS: I'm "Smooth and Lightweight."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: "Smooth and Silky Application." Check.
SECRET FLAWLESS: "Continually Renewing Fragrances."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm, science-y. I've got a "Clean, Fresh Fragrance."
SECRET FLAWLESS: "Goes on Clear!"
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Bitch, please. I'm "Little Black Dress Approved."
SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, and of course I offer "Strong Protection."
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Wow, that's really informative. I offer "24-hour Body Responsive Wetness Protection" AND "24-hour Body Responsive Odor Protection.
SECRET FLAWLESS: I am soooo firing my marketing people.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: That's probably a good call. Plus -- and I really hate to point this out, but from the top your cap kinda looks like a vag.
SECRET FLAWLESS: What? No! It's a leaf!
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I'm just saying, man.
SECRET FLAWLESS: Whatever, don't even get me STARTED on all the weirdness going on with your label. A strapless dress with a belt and armpit-length gloves and Tracy Turnblad hair? You know most women have stopped playing with Barbies by the time they buy deodorant.
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Okay, THAT'S IT. It's ON, motherfucker.
TOM'S OF MAINE: Hey. Heeeeeey. You guys. Cut it out! Stop fighting! You know, I bet if you would just cut all that aluminum out of your diets you'd be way less irritable. It's like, messing with your neurons and stuff, dudes.
SECRET FLAWLESS: ...
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: ...
TOM'S OF MAINE: Anybody up for a colonic? There's this great place that also sells smoothies...
*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Fucking hippies, man.
SECRET FLAWLESS: God, I fucking smell like patchouli now, or something. Continually renewing fragrance, my ass.
those guys are guttermouths. must be all that time hanging out in the armpits of america.
I wonder how my Dove Ultimate Clear Go Fresh would fare in such a scuffle.
I love it.
What I don't really love: Degree Ultra Clear...and it may be little black dress approved, but it's NOT little black lacy cami approved. That shit got ALL OVER IT.
And that is why you are the master!
Huzzah for photo essays!
So, who really won? Degree or Secret? (Not that it matters. I steal my husband's deoderant all the time!)
Glad I'm at the office alone since I just busted out laughing while reading this.
I'd like to honor you with the "Best Use of Anthroporphism In Conjunction With Toiletries" Award.
(I totally just made that award up, BTW. I don't want you getting all excited and thinking there is an actual statue you can put in the bathroom next to the toiletries like all the movie stars say they do.)
Can you hear me laughing? Can you see the tears streaming down my face?
My main question is, WHERE do you think of these things and WHY??? You crazy, knocked up blogger, you...
Now that is some funny shit right there.
Pfffffft.
Pwn3d!
Cant. Stop. Laughing...
Hysterical. It does look like a vag.
That's hysterical. I do so love your photo essays...
Remind me never to read your posts in a meeting again, I think I've sprained a muscle in my cheek trying not to laugh outloud at the brilliance of this hysterical post. Thank you!!!
thank GOD - i thought mine were the only deoderants that spoke to each other in hushed tones. but now i feel much better.
Yet another reason to run away from the deodorant/antiperspirant aisle. All that fragrance makes me have an asthma attack, anyway!
Hilarious!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hilarious.
Very informative product review. We can always count on you to expose the truth!
This blog has been the happiest part of my child-infested afternoon!! Thank you!!!!!
Thank you.
I just died.
In the best way possible.
you are a comic genius.
Funny as all hell...thanks for the laugh!
This just made my day. For the record, while the Degree smells amazing, it let me down in the end. Atleast I don't smell like piccouli.
Two things about this concern me...
One - that you wrote it.
Two - that I read it.
Wait, a third...
Three - that I laughed my ass off!
Please tell me that you didn't buy these three deoderants just for this blog entry...
You are warped...and in a total non-lesbo way, I think I love you..
OMFG I think I just peed a little.
That was awesome. :-)
Lady Speedstick Clear (shower fresh) would like to form a gang now!
Genius Amy I think YOU need a reality show forget Denise Richards!
Holy crap. I love you. I really needed that laugh today.
oh.......my.......GOD. So funny.
Brilliant! I needed that kind of laugh today...
OMG ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was the hardest I've laughed all week. And trust me I needed that. GOD BLESS YOU!
What's really funny - is I use the Degree Little Black Dress stuff. And I don't love it - but don't hate it.
So I'm in CVS TONIGHT. I see the Flawless stuff. And I can't pass it up - the marketing got me. I come home, read your blog, and viola - my dilemma played out.
I've yet to try it. The tropical scent is sitting on my counter...waiting for me to finish the Degree.
BUT man, I'd never go near that Tom's stuff :)
YOU ARE SO F-ING FUNNY, I CAN'T STAND IT!
OMG, I can't believe how hilarious that was!! Seriously, who knew antiperspirants had such developed personalities!!
I'd still like to know who won?? Not Tom obviously...definitely the best part of the essay :)
We want more!!!
Ok, you are HIGHlarious! Soooo funny!
I was referred to your blog by a reader who said that you have a child (as do I) with SPD. I'll be looking into that on here as well as just enjoying your humor now.
Thanks for the shits and giggles!
Holy bejeebus that was funny.
:)
you should totally do product reviews all the time. that rocked.
That was great. Even better, I work for the company that makes Degree, and I only use Secret. I have enough Degree deo to take over the world!!
I guess we've all been there done that with Tom's of Maine eh? Try to be natural and all. It soooo doesn't cut it - bring on the aluminum baby.
Amy, I've been reading your blog for several years now and I have to say - best. post. EVAR!
you so totally rock!
i'm totally embarrassed by how amusing I found that!!
I lost my shit, that was so funny. I cannot remember the last time I lost it like that. You must have been hysterical while doing that in the bathroom.
Geez.
Dove Sensitive Skin is all:
'Love your cap, even if it does look like a vagina. Vaginas or beautiful! Especially wrinkly ones! Dove loves wrinkles! Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!If you're old and fat by meeeeeeee!
You should feel very fulfilled in your life that you make anonymous 36-almost-37-year-old moms laugh out loud at the end of long, hot, frustrating summer days in which her two buttholes, ahem, sons, did every annoyingly brotherish thing to each other all damn day.
Best. Product. Review. Ever.
Seriously.
hilarious! and I so needed that after such a crazy day. But I'm with the masses...where does the Dove Ultra Clear fall in there??? I demand a follow-up!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Oh God, that was priceless. "Hey, Heeeey". Totally Toms of Maine. I live in Maine & knew right away where you were going with it, I love your site.
I use Dove deoderant and that lazy ass does nothing but just sit around. I think my Laura Mercier gloss tries to chat but the Dove is reclusive. I think I need to switch brands.