Can't Blog, Wii-ing
Rumours

The Battle for the Hearts & Armpits of America

Or, When an Advice Smackdown Column Idea Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong
Or Or, Why I Don't Do Product Reviews On My Personal Blog
Or Or Or, Jesus God, Do I Need To Get Out More Or What?

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SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, hi there! So I know you've always used Secret Platinum, and I bet you were a little thrown when you saw me all over the shelves, but let me explain. The whole "platinum" thing was just a ploy to make you think of jewelry, but like for your armpits, and it really worked for us, especially among girls who were dating fuckwit commitmentphobes. But now my marketing folk tell me that platinum actually gets pretty dinged up and scratched after awhile, and it's time for something new. Secret Sparkly Six-Carat Diamonds was the obvious first choice, but that tested badly with the focus groups, probably on account of that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. So instead I'm "Secret Flawless," complete with a botanical-themed label and package shape. I don't actually contain anything particularly botanical, but Research tells me that nature is super hot right now. Plus, 5 FLAWLESS BENEFITS! Five! I dare any deodorant to offer you more than that.

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DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Hey, what's up?

SECRET FLAWLESS: What the...?

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DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, you noticed my new packaging! What do you think? Six essential benefits! Marketing really went above and beyond this time, I gotta say.

SECRET FLAWLESS: ...

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DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh! Uh. Hey, five is a GREAT number, dude. People love the primes. What are your five flawless benefits, by the way?

SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, I've got "Skin Nurturing Conditioners."

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm. Interesting. We went with "Skin Caring Conditioners."

SECRET FLAWLESS: I'm "Smooth and Lightweight."

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: "Smooth and Silky Application." Check.

SECRET FLAWLESS: "Continually Renewing Fragrances."

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Mmm, science-y. I've got a "Clean, Fresh Fragrance."

SECRET FLAWLESS: "Goes on Clear!"

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Bitch, please. I'm "Little Black Dress Approved."

SECRET FLAWLESS: Well, and of course I offer "Strong Protection."

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Wow, that's really informative. I offer "24-hour Body Responsive Wetness Protection" AND "24-hour Body Responsive Odor Protection.

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SECRET FLAWLESS: I am soooo firing my marketing people.

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: That's probably a good call. Plus -- and I really hate to point this out, but from the top your cap kinda looks like a vag.

SECRET FLAWLESS: What? No! It's a leaf!

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I'm just saying, man.

SECRET FLAWLESS: Whatever, don't even get me STARTED on all the weirdness going on with your label. A strapless dress with a belt and armpit-length gloves and Tracy Turnblad hair? You know most women have stopped playing with Barbies by the time they buy deodorant.

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Okay, THAT'S IT. It's ON, motherfucker.

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TOM'S OF MAINE: Hey. Heeeeeey. You guys. Cut it out! Stop fighting! You know, I bet if you would just cut all that aluminum out of your diets you'd be way less irritable. It's like, messing with your neurons and stuff, dudes.

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SECRET FLAWLESS: ...

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: ...

TOM'S OF MAINE: Anybody up for a colonic? There's this great place that also sells smoothies...

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*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*

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DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Fucking hippies, man.

SECRET FLAWLESS: God, I fucking smell like patchouli now, or something. Continually renewing fragrance, my ass.

Comments

Walking With Scissors

So, which one is the lucky stick that gets to be Amalah-endorsed? I'm a Secret Platinum girl, but I could be persuaded to upgrade to the one who's lid looks like a vag. Maybe. Unless it's clear. Those stupid things don't work, I don't care how much "strong protection" it says it offers. Just sayin'.

blogging barbie

your comedic genius knows no bounds.

you? are hilarious. and you rock. that is all. :)

xo, bb

celticbuffy

Love it! Seriously warped and funny!

Corina

So funny. Thanks for making my night...

Dawn B

I'll never look at deodorant the same again.
H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S

torrie

I might be in love with you.

Mary

Personally, I like Dove. But anthropomorphic deodorant is not something I've seen done before, and I'm impressed. All product reviews should be done like this.

warcrygirl

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Will you being doing a part II on feminine body wash? Foot powder? Diaper rash ointment? Clearly you had too much free time that afternoon.

Kim

I've never laughed so hard at deodorant before...I'm not sure what that means.

Nadine/Scarb

Um, my bloggy crew and I have just had a round of emails based on the hilarity of this one post. Thanks for the laugh.

hulipants

The only time I do things like that is when I'm high (and my IZZE bottles battle). I know you were not high which means that you are waaaaay more random then I.

We should be friends.

Jessica (It's my life...)

Dude. When you do shit like this I love you even more. I know, love is a strong word, but man did I need that tonight.

Britt

I use Degree, so I was taking sides from the beginning. It was a bit like a boxing match (who's gonna win, who's gonna WIn!)

What's really sad (for me) is that I'm probably a decade or two older than your core audience.

But hey, I don't have kids. Gotta get my fun somewhere :-)

Jessica

I just hurt myself laughing at this. I just adore you -- yer so on mah page!

Edie

*looks at deodorant and hangs head in shame because it has no benefits at all. solid, it says. shower fresh, it says. that is all*

SERIOUSLY funny stuff!

ligirl

OMG...Amy, thank you for making me laugh so hard after such a crappy week. You are hilarious. Please never stop doing what you do!

daisy

Utter brilliance. May you stay a shut in forever.

amy

i will never be able to smear deodorant in my pits again without thinking of Secret and Degree's inherent bitterness... Sigh...

i loved it.

Kelsi

Ok, so, my fiance comes in and sees deodorant and goes all funny on me, thinking I'm looking at beauty product sites again or something. It's early morning, I be grumpy and under-caffeinated, and promptly tell him to FUCK OFF AND STOP JUDGING WHAT I DO ON THE INTERNET. And when I finish, I belligerently say, "Now YOU read it so you can stop being an idiot!" He sighed, obliged, and then...

"What's the big deal about... Toms of... Man? Or whatever?" (Apparently assuming it's an American thing, as he's British and we live on his side of the pond, and of COURSE his Yankee girlfriend knows every deodorant in existence over THERE.)

"The point was pretty clear. What do you mean? WHAT?!"

"Well... Oh, so it's about false advertising."

"WHAT?! WHAT?! ....... Wait, did you think she was trying to make some kind of political statement or something?"

"Well, yeah, I kinda did..."

OMFG, MEN. Is nothing allowed to be sacred and pointless anymore?!

akaJen

Genius! Pure genius! This is my new favorite post ever. (this is even funnier than your old satanic baby clothes post! :)

rhea

hi.lar.ious

kim at allconsuming

is anyone else reading this from anywhere else in the world, primarily Australia, freaking out that there are ads for Woollies at the top of the page. As in country/location specific ads? Rather than getting an insight into the cold hard reality that yes, while advertising is the same around the world but somehow seems a lot more glamorous and romantic when it is directed at an audience in a different country?

Just wondering.

Oh, and Amy? I'm guessing this means the house hasn't burnt down from your thread-hung light fixturing skillz?

Léonie

Brilliant. That was hilarious. My favourite bit was the first two turning around to look at the third. Genius, you are.

Secha

Can't.... type... laughing too hard

Matt in London

Very, very good. :-)

Kirsten

OMG girl... you've got me laughing hysterically at 3 in the farkin morning and my coworkers are looking at me like I'm nuts.

Between you, Dooce, and MooshInIndy's post last week about the GE Caulk Singles and the sink, I've been in photo story heaven lately.

Liana

OH Amalah. How I love you! This was the PERFECT way to start my Friday. LOVE THIS.
Thank you!! :)
P.S. I use Dove for the scent (powder fresh is pretty nice) but I also use the strongest non-prescription anti-perspirant you can get (Certain Dri or a store-brand counterpart which is cheaper but still works).....it's not a cute package but it could totally kick their asses! ;)

Momma Bean

That was brilliant! Ha!

Erin

Genious! LOL!

Secret Flawless

I work on this brand. You are so funny. Everyone is reading it and laughing their asses off.

Amber

I'll probably return to this post a few times today to keep me in good humor.

Personally, I use a large salt rock.

cindy

Un-f****ing believable how funny you are! You're killing me! When I read the "B**ch please line, I damn near wet my pants!

lindswing

That Degree stuff isn't fluffy white dress approved. Good lord, the stuff would get on my clothes if I waited half an hour to get dressed. Secret at least knows its place. I'm just sayin'.

becky

This was too frickin' funny!
and I thought I was clever...

Wow.

Thanks for the early morning laugh!

Bethiclaus

I can just picture the attitude on their "faces" when they looked at Tom's. Heh.

Chantal

You rock!

BaltimoreGal

Genius! And thank you for explaining what happened to my Secret Platinum.

Amber

Wow you are funny. What a great way to start my Friday.

The banner above this entry was for 7th Generation cholorine-free diapers. HA! What happens in the diaper isle when all the lights are turned off?? I think Pampers kicks everyone's butts. :-)

Nikki

You always know how to make me laugh. This was too hilarious!

jujyfruit

OK, I know I'm only the 40 bajillionth person to say this, and I frankly am adding NOTHING new to this comments section, but THAT. WAS. SO! FUNNY!!!

Seriously one of my favorite posts EVER!

Beckie

I just peed myself a little. Hilarious! As a side note...I've been trying to use non-aluminum containing deoderant what with my penchant for not wanting alzhimers and all...But seriously - does that stuff work for people who actually sweat a little or is it just me????

The Muse

Ok, just saying, since I've used Secret Platinum, Degree and Secret Flawless...

The Flawless SUCKS. I was in NYC when I got a sample, and it didn't even last an hour. And it wasn't even a particularly warm day! My bf also happened to borrow it, since he forgot his toiletries kit, and agreed that it was definitely the worst one of my deodorants that he's borrowed (he prefers Secret Platinum, as do I). And we both hate the Flawless commercials. SO. ANNOYING.

But your post? HILARIOUS.

Caroline

Muy, muy delightful, Amalah. More! MORE!

Marianne

Heh. That might be better than the "Thomas" posts.

Tracy

OMFG.... that is too too much. I love it.

EMRAE

Oh my God. That is by far, the funniest blog I've read...EVER! Want to come over to my house and play w/ my toiletries? Thank you for bringing happiness to my bad day - You ROCK!!!

Alicia

Absofuckinglutely the funniest post ever!

girlplease

Yea Tom of Maine sucks. A friend's hippy husband uses it and let's just say it's like he's been in the woods for 6 months eating nothing but rancid meat.
It's especially great when he hugs me and it transfers on to my clothes.
Like cat pee, that stuff just doesn't come out.

ali

i think my Dove ultimate clear could take all three of those suckers.
just saying.

jen

fucking hilarious, Amalah, and totally close to home b/c I have definitely had these types of conversations at my work (as a marketing exec). sigh.

Sara

thanks for the laugh!

Amy

Crying, CRYING at my desk over this one. And gasping for air through my incredibly congested nose thanks to a nasty cold, so you know I'm honking when I laugh. One of the funniest things I have ever read. Word.

Amy H

I'm worried that you aren't getting out of the house enough.

that was not what I was expecting at all. thanks for the laugh!

Dinia

Please tell me you bought those deos just to do this entry. That would make it all the funnier....

Mary

Oh my GOD! Please don't get out more! I'm not in a cube farm, but DANG if the folks down the hall aren't peering out at me like prairie dogs after hearing my cackle!

Julie

GREAT laugh! Thanks - that was a good break right in the middle of my day.

Mama T

oh dear oh dear oh dear, i too hope you don't get out anymore because this is very very funny. thanks for making me laugh out loud.

Noelle

I've never found deodorant so funny! Thanks for the chuckle!

charise

hehe, i love silly stuff like this!

and i'll also throw it out there that the flawless SUCKS. i'm always trying different deodorants. i am impatient, clumsy, and sweat a lot. so i need one that is clear but strong, pretty much impossible to find. this one goes on clear but doesn't STAY clear - gets all over my clothes. and it stops working after like an hour, like the muse said.

ajnabi

You are a freaking comic genius. And sweet-smelling, too!

Irma

Brilliant! Best product conversation I have ever read. Now I want to go see if my Lady Speed Stick will talk to my husband's Axe.

Wow, didn't THAT sound dirty...

Fairly Ordinary

Wow. I will never be able to look at Tom's of Maine in the same way again. ;)

Kaza

If this is what happens when you don't get out enough, then please, stay in, because this was one of the funniest things I've seen. Awesome.

Brighton

Oh sweetie you really need to get out of the house. (with deoderant of course ; )

Danielle-Lee

HeeHee! You are brilliant! Tell me, which one do you use?

Lisa

I love you! You are so freaking funny!

Robin

Oh my gosh, I love this stuff!! I totally get your sense of humor. My only beef is the moniker "breathtaking dumbness." If it's so dumb, what does it say about those of us who are eating it up with a spoon? Uh, never mind, I really don't want to know after all.

Vaiden Taylor

I was missing the Thomas posts (since my two year old has now joined in the obsession) but this is awesome. I just woke two sleeping kids up I was laughing so hard! And it was WORTH IT.

RubiaLala

You are hilarious. This was so awesome.

aka Alice

The camera angles are pure genius...LMAO

Gina

That was better than any of the movies I have seen seen this year.

Perhaps I need to get out more.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness

I would totally put one under each pit and see which worked better. But I'm too cheap to go out and buy more than one deodorant at a time.

That was a great post!

David

LMFAO!!!!!

Suzy Q

This is, seriously, one of the funniest fucking things you've ever written. Brilliant!!

Bon

Laughing. My. Ass. Off.

I love it! However, where in the world do you come up with time to do these things?? I'm so jealous!

Anita

Thank you for the best laugh I've had in ages!

Michelle

Good lord, honey, you do need to get out more often.

:P Just playing.

Swirl Girl

someone's been workin' out, huh?

friggin' riot!!!

Jennifer Beach

That was just what I needed for my night. I was laughing so much. I want you to do more product reviews, please.

Kristie

That is the funniest thing I've read in days ... weeks ... maybe even months. :)

Elizabeth

I snorted coffee until I almost choked when I got to "your cap looks like a vag", and then by the time I got to "fucking hippies, man" I was DYING. Are you sure you don't want to start a product review blog? You are BRILLIANT at it :)

Jozet at Halushki

ROFL!!!!!!!

Marci

I will never look at my Secret deoderant the same way again. My entire family came over to me to see why I was laughing so hard. Hilarious.

The next time I am in the deodorant aisle at the store I am afraid that I will laugh. :)

laura

I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I've read this.

Jen L.

Holy. Shit. I think I just peed.

Nina

That?!?!? Is the funniest thing EVA! You are hilarious.

The photos are priceless. Man, you are so funny.

Amy

That was brilliant. I don't think I've ever seen a deodorant fight before. Love it.

Liana

laura, you're not alone- I have come back to this post MANY times, and the comments too.
Awesomeness :)

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