Alone In My Paranoia (aka 24ish Weeks or Maybe 25)

Whenever I start getting a little uppity regarding our division of household labor (why am I the only one who remembers that the child needs to go potty before we go somewhere? why do CERTAIN PEOPLE seem to think our diaper bag is a magical fount of ever-regenerating sippy cups and snacks?), Jason manages to schedule an extended business trip. Possibly for the sole purpose of watching my lose my shit from afar.

I have to take the garbage and recycling out? All the way to the curb? I have to...make dinner? Every night? Why aren't these dishes put away yet? Why hasn't someone done something about that weird smell in the bathroom? Noah, did I feed the cat already? Why is he meowing? I swear I fed him already. Noah, come on! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE THINGS.

And it turns out that it's NOT a magic cell phone fairy who remembers to charge my phone for me every night. At least I'm pretty sure, unless she also had a conference to attend in Milwaukee this week. Maybe that's where the magic fairy who also remembers to buy milk went too.


Part of my flying solo this week involved taking Noah to my prenatal check-up this morning, and OH GOLLY GEE LET'S DO THAT AGAIN.

I shoved him on the little chair where you usually stash your pants and underwear, gave him a granola bar and a healthy dose of fear that if he DARED MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR TO TOUCH THE ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLAR ULTRASOUND MACHNE, God Himself would descend from heaven and take away his entire collection of spare buttons. He did not move from that chair, but then pitched such a fit in the waiting room over having to leave behind a basket of random beat-up Happy Meal prizes I could see the pupils of all the other waiting pregnant ladies dilate in terror.

I made sure to screech something about not going potty in the grocery store cart again as we left. Just because I am Mean.


I was shocked to learn that I'm at the point in this pregnancy where I go to the doctor every two weeks instead of four. This is alarming, since it seems to suggest that I will be having a baby soon. Somebody is not doing their math. I'll get Jason to look into it when he gets home.

My blood pressure is low -- really low -- and I'm constantly close to fainting. If I am not close to fainting, I am close to vomiting. I don't necessarily DO much fainting or vomiting (I find loosening the stays of my corset just a tad helps -- 17 inches IS a bit unrealistic at point, I suppose), but still. I feel rather delicate and Victorian, except for the hemorrhoids.

I always feel strange reporting my weight online, but with senility setting in fast (SERIOUSLY. DID I FEED THE CAT ALREADY OR NOT, PEOPLE? THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT QUESTION.), I have to write this crap down somewhere, and my fingers are already ever-so-nicely positioned on the keyboard.

I'm not gaining weight. It's freaking me out. I gained one whopping pound since my last visit, which was the very first visit where I'd gained any weight at all (four pounds). So...I've gained...five pounds? Maybe six? At 24/25ish weeks? Doesn't that sound kind of freak-out-able worthy? My doctor is not concerned -- I guess my belly measurements are okay and the baby certainly looked fine at the ultrasound, but...I'm concerned. I keep telling myself that I must have put on a little weight in the early first trimester -- before the puking started and before my doctor started weighing me -- and kept it on, but my scale at home is not exactly wracking up the high scores either.

It's not for lack of trying -- we like to take Noah out for ice cream cones a couple nights a week, and it is understood that Mama Does Not Share Her Ice Cream. If I want a sausage McGriddle with hash browns, then goddammit, get in the car. Right now. Don't make me faint all over you or something.

I have no reason to question my doctor, except that he seems to be awfully old-school about pregnancy weight gain in the first place, and is almost congratulatory when he notes my chart. Uh. Yeah. I'm just gunning to get this fine ass into a maternity thong bikini over the holiday weekend. Sorry, fetus, Mama done got her priorities

I started this pregnancy at a healthy weight (just woefully saggy and out of shape, as my Wii now informs me), and considered it to be a major accomplishment that I didn't lose weight in the first trimester again. I indulge my cravings with gusto but mostly eat pretty healthy -- we're very into unprocessed local foods direct from the farmer, which oh man, I never realized how delicious fruits and vegetables can be when they actually TASTE LIKE WHAT THEY ARE. Part of me is ready to embark on a non-doctor-prescribed regime of protein shakes and Ensure, while another part of me wants to just chill out and let my body do whatever it's doing, which I guess is rerouting all that ice cream directly to the kicking, squirming little parasite.

I just...really want the little parasite to be okay. I kind of like him, you know.



PS: Okay, look. I just checked the trash can and there IS an empty can of cat food, but do you think it's from last night or this morning? He seems hungry, but I also think he might be fucking with me.



It looks like I'm gaining at the same rate as I did with my first baby - I've put on 5 lbs so far at 29ish weeks, and with my son I had done the same at this point, then put on 20 more in the last 10 weeks or so. They weren't thrilled with that, but seriously? Let's pretend that your comments section is a scientific study - how many different descriptions of pregnancy weight gain have we already read so far in roughly 100 comments? How can there be a "normal" expectation when we're all so different?


1. You look good and pregnant, so bless your fabulous metabolism, snack with abandon, and call it good.

2. The cat is messing with you.

3. Also, I was a pregnant woman with a 20 year history of eating disorders (under control by the time I got knocked up) and, for the first time in my life I felt like I had permission to eat. Baby, I ate.

4. Gained 15 pounds, total. More than half in the third trimester when I was doing bedrest. Baby weighed 8 pounds. The rest of the weight mostly disappeared at birth. Moral of the story: turns out pregnancy is way better than an eating disorder at controlling weight. But, oh the side effects.

Trust your doctor. Maybe eat an extra burrito or two. You and the babine are good.

Kimberly C

I gained 40 with my daughter, lost 20 birthing her, lost another 5 and kept 15 and I am okay with that. Apparently was underweight to begin with? My doctor rocked on the issue of weight gain- didn't gain in the first trimester? that's okay. Gained 10 in a month? She acted like a freaking cheerleader, swear to god. If your doctor is okay with it, I think you'll be fine. Plus, you already had one godzilla baby so another one is probably in your future. (I call Noah a godzilla baby lovingly, of course:)

That cat? So fucking with you.


Don't freak out for fetus' sake on the weight gain. One thing they told me that really hit home was that the kid to be is a really efficient parasite. He'll take what he needs and it's you that will lose out.

Take in lots of fluids, it will help with the low blood pressure too.


So, I can't give too much advice about the weight thing since I had the opposite problem. Then I hit 30 weeks. Gained a grand total of 0.5 lbs. between weeks 30-34. Talk about freaking out! Isn't this when the baby itself is supposed to be growing like a .5 lb/week? That should mean at least 2 lbs. of baby weight. But...since the HB is strong, and my fundal height is growing, the doc isn't concerned. Says your baby gets what it needs, and your body knows what it needs. So if your doc isn't concerned I wouldn't be either...

...As for the cat, he's TOTALLY playing you!! My cat does the same thing!!


If it is any consolation I had a similar freakout at my 2nd to last appointment when I had actually lost 1 lb as opposed to gaining the 4 I was supposed to. Of course my doctor told me I weighed plenty and not to worry which kinda made me cringe. Of course I packed on some weight since then, but I do understand the concern. I would say as long as the fundal height is growing and the doctor is ok, I am sure the baby parasite is too. (Btw, I love that you refer to the baby as a parasite. I have been calling my baby a parasite for a while now and my father is horrified. But I think it is perfect!)


There's something about your blog's font that made Bossy read you are "always close to Farting."

Also? Bossy read it that way twice.

Cute fetus, there, honey.


You're not alone. I am now 36 (eek!) weeks and have only, technically gained 5 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. Granted, I lost 20 pounds during my bouts of frenetic puking for the first three months, but seriously, 5 pounds? At this point with my first, I was definitely well on my way to that 25 pound gain.

But, we had an ultrasound and the doc isn't worried. So, I pretty much feel like its ok and I will probably be happy afterwards. Plus, this means I get to eat as much as I want, which is always nice! They can tell how big the baby is, and if the doc thought he wasn't big enough they would definitely be sounding the alert. Plus, you have to remember that, unlike last time, you are running around after a toddler all day. That has to burn 1,000,000 calories.

So.... don't worry!!! Enjoy the ice cream and burritos for as long as possible.


He is playing with your head, because he knows you are weak right now and wants to eat all the food in thehouse! SO just feed him again!

Sorry you are conceerned abotu the lack of weight gain! Have you consulted Dr. Google? Yes danger, but oh so tempting.


Awww, look how cute you are! Don't worry about the weight. It will come..or maybe it won't and then you will have less to lose after having the cute little parasite.
The cat is probably fucking with you. They are good for that.


I lost weight during my first pregnancy. I turned to healthy living for the baby, and the weight just fell off. No alcohol, plenty of fresh fruits and veggies. Pregnancy is not a highly recommended diet plan, but it worked for me.


Hey, I can't read all the comments so I hope I don't repeat someone else but...for what it's worth...I gained plenty of weight and had an IUGR baby (one of twins). My stomach was small. People constantly commented about how small my belly was and it freaked me out. But when I gave birth at 33 weeks I only had 6 pounds of baby in me all together. Point is, you ALREADY have a bigger baby bump than I did so I can tell you with all the assuredness of someone who watches a ton of medical shows on Discovery Health that you are fine! I tried eating and drinking a lot more too and that didn't do anything but give me more weight to lose later. Your baby is taking what he needs from you.


You look great...very healthy! I only wish I had that problem! ( : Weight Watchers is doing a research project at the university in my town, and I called to sign up; my BMI is a couple of points higher than the range they're looking for. Seriously! I'm too fat for Weight Watchers! It's kind of funny is a twisted sort of way. You're doing great. All the best.


Wow - all these posts certainly have me convinced that weight gain can truly be individual. I've been quite worried about the opposite problem - I've now gained 18 pounds (I'm at 26 weeks) and according to the three thousand pregnancy books in my possession, that's within the normal range. However, I began this pregnancy 10 pounds overweight so my max weight gain should not exceed 25 pounds. I'm a little freaked that it shot up so much in the last month (the month previous I got a little "congrats - your weight gain so far is great!"). So, I worked with a nutritionist in order to have my daily caloric needs calculated and make sure I was getting the best "bang for my buck". She did the calculations and suggested that I keep a food journal in order to keep track of what I am eating and the number of calories. So, if you are really, really worried (and it sounds like you shouldn't be!) you could do the same. OR you can not worry about it and just let your body do it's thing! Anyway, you look great and healthy!

The End of Motherhood?

You definitely fed the cat.


I am also 24 weeks pregnant and haven't really gained any weight either. I have gained a total of 13lbs so far and most of that was in the first trimester. My doctor isn't worried about it either because the baby...also a boy, is growing beautifully and as scheduled. I would gain 4 lbs one month and then lose it the next month. I think this time I gained 2 in the last 4 weeks. He asked if I was eating like I should be. I haven't changed anything. If anything I eat more frequently than normal. I eat the same portion sizes I did before, but just eat more times a day than before. With my first pregnancy, I ate all the time. After having baby #1 I weighed less than before conceiving and the doctor said more than likely that is what will happen with this one too...however, I'm bigger than you and have enough weight to spare to lose. You look great though so I wouldn't worry about it as much. Just eat what you can and the baby will get what it needs.


Aw. Aw, jeez. Look at your cute pregnant belly. You're beautiful! And what's normal weight gain anyway? Weren't you just saying in your alpha+mom column that normal is undefinable when it comes to weight gain at this juncture?

And now I've gone and used that word. Juncture. Ick.

I also don't remember if I fed the cat, and I've got no pregnancy hormones to blame or anything. I figure she's eaten in the passed couple of days, for sure. And that's good enough, right?

Oh God. I'd better go feed the cat again...


First off, you should know that all pregnant women have special dispensation to use paper plates when hubby is away. Grocery delivery service is a must( Peapod in my area-$5.00 extra charge), feed the cat every damn moment, because it deserves to get a belly if you are. Sorry I can't help you with the cell phone charging-Noah is to young for that job. You look fab, btw.


When I was pregnant with my thrid daughter I had developed a taste for icecream like nobodies business, up until my 5th month I had gained an average of a pound a month..on my 6th month check up I almost passed out when the DR told me I had gained 23 pounds! ( yes, you read that right, one month ) I was lectured and told I had "hit my weight gain limit" on my 7th month visit i had gained another 21 pounds. This of course was Mr Softee's fault as he came by my house twice a day and FORCED me to eat a banana split each time. My first two pregnancys I gained 15 pounds each.. you look great..try not to worry too much.. take deep relaxing breaths then go eat some cookies..or better yet, I will send Mr Softee to your house..19 years later and he still drives by twice a day during the summer..sheesh! Best wishes to you and yours.. a one time lurker from NY...Barb


On a completely unrelated topic, you will be on Food Network on Tuesday!! I am SO excited!!


You look positively fabulous! Take some deep breaths (and feed the cat) :-)


you look GOOD girl. I just found your blog. You're funny. My suggestion is that you DON'T try to potty train the first kid when your eight months pregnant with the second. It is a bad scene. Just in case you were thinking of doing just that. Bad bad. But I digress. You look terrif. On a really bloated day I still sort of look like that and I'm 17 months post-partum. But that's what spanx are for...


The cat is fucking with you, that's what they exist to do.

Thanks for the laughs! You have a great writing style and I'm enjoying it immensely (at your expense, perhaps). :o)


Don't worry about the weight thing. I only gained 5 pounds total with my daughter and she weighed 8lb 7oz. I only gained 11 pounds with my son and he weighed 9lb 1oz. Its ok. Really...especially if your measurements look ok.

I can't wait to see you on Food Network! :o)

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