Deodorant Wars II: The Aluminator Strikes Back
July 14, 2008
(Warning: reading Part One will probably still not help you make much sense of this nonsense.)
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: RIGHT! DUDES, ARE YOU READY TO GET FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT UNDERARM PROTECTION? HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH OF PUSSIFIED DEODORANTS THAT LEAVE YOU RANK AND SWEATY BY MID-DAY? ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE OF ALUMINUM ZIRCONIUM TETRACHLOROHYDREX YOU CAN BUY LEGALLY THIS SIDE OF FUCKING MEXICO? ARE YOU READY FOR THE INSANE AMOUNT OF POONTANG THAT'S ABOUT TO HEAD YOUR WAY?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I am like, so totally turned on right now.
SECRET FLAWLESS: Bitch! You're from the same product line! You're practically related! Also, he's mine!
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: No way, he's mine!
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: GIVE IT UP FOR TRISOLIDTM, LADIES! HIGH FIVE, STEVE HOLT! LET'S GO BENCH PRESSING!
SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, you wanna start something now?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, it's already been starterated. The caps are coming OFF, Vag Head.
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: CATFIGHT! NIIIIICE.
TOM'S OF MAINE: You guuuuuuys.
TOM'S OF MAINE: You know, so maybe I don't offer all the fancy promises you guys do. Maybe my label doesn't have a lot checklists and benefits and made-up sciencey-sounding words like yours. Maybe the warnings about aluminum in deodorant are pretty stupidly overblown and okay, maybe I don't actually "work" as a deodorant in the "traditional" sense. But I do have one thing I'd like to share with you. A song. From my heart. It goes a little something like this...
La la la la lavenderrrrr ladiessssss
I want to respect you, I want to make you feel good about your purchasing decisionsssss...
*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: THIS WAY, LADIES. HOW 'BOUT WE HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE AND LOOK AT MY COLLECTION OF CVS SALES CIRCULARS?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR & SECRET FLAWLESS: *scandalized giggles*
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: (ASIDE) (TO AUDIENCE) ...and no one will ever have to know that I'm actually preferred by close to 100% of pregnant women who have to steal their husband's deodorant in order to not stink by lunchtime! I'm so ashamed, and yet...and yet it feels so right.
TOM'S OF MAINE: I...I heard...that.
To be continued?
(Oh God, I hope not.)
Love!!
you are just too funny!
I am quite ridiculously amused by this... do please continue!
This is going to sound bitchy and accusatory but it's really jealousy...
You have waaaay too much time on your hands!
I'm a fellow freelnce writer/ mom and I don't have to put on deoderant let alone stag deoderant battles.
But, luckily, I have time to read all about 'em!
Keep up the good work!
Part Three! Yes! Bring it on!
I left out the word "time" above... I don't have time to put on deoderant.
Or, apparently, to proofread my comments before posting.
You may need therapy.
: )
Delurking to say-- BEST POST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET, PERIOD. (So effing funny, THANK YOU FOR THAT!!)
(all those caps were entirely necessary. I am EMPHATIC ABOUT THIS.)
Dear Amy,
There is medicine for this type of thing.
Your Friend,
Missie
continue! continue!
My daughter had problems with brands not working after a month or two. The solution is---make sure your pits are very dry before applying deodorant! Towel dry then aim your hairdryer on cool setting at pits.
This doesn't help with folks who need medical help with perspiration problems but with the average sweaty pits.
I once bought Tom's of Maine because I thought I should be more earthy-crunchy. Alas, rubbing a moist cotton ball under my arm pits would have been just as effective.
PS The Steve Holt reference is awesome!
I've heard of jumping the shark, but I'm afraid you may have jumped the snark.
Either way, I love it! (What else am I going to do at work, work?)
I love you. But where do you FIND that magical stuff that actually works past lunchtime?
Ok. What is it about being preggers and bad b.o.? I don't remember any stinkiness (well, ok, with the exception of my feet) during my first pregancy, but this time. Oh my gawd! My clothes are white with repeated applications of baby powder and deoderant. I'm going to CVS right now 'cause I'm ok with smelling like a man.
Poor Tom's of Maine always ends up knocked over! Eh, he probably deserves it.
Oh my god: "Steve Holt".
That was golden.
lol! So, f'in funny :)
You just used the word 'poontang' in a blog post. I bow to you, my Hero.
You are my hero. :)
Where is Cornstarch? Does Cornstarch just never get invited to the party anymore? Sure, he's good enough when you wake up 10 minutes before you're supposed to leave and you realize that you're rubbing the empty plastic cartridge on your armpits. Sure, he bails your ass out- yet AGAIN- when that happens, but unless you're desperate, he doesn't exist? ;-)
Holy Shit!
how am i supposed to get work done when you write this stuff!!!
DUDE. Mitchum unscented clear. That is all.
Amy = genius!!
stop taunting me with your clean sinks and ample time in which to photgraph deodorant.
the clean sinks especially.
bitch.
Haha! Oh, poor Tom's of Maine. He means well, but he's kind of a douche.
Eee hee hee
Hey! Love this! I read your first one and it was hilarious! I totally love your blog....as most people do!! Keep it up! And check out my blog if you have the time. :D
I don't know why this is so funny. It just is.
ummmmmm... Why do you have so many brands of deodorant???????
Granted.. I'm a little bit of a collector of it also, just because I can never find one that I "Love"... is that your issue too???? :)
STEVE HOLT!
Is it sad that I'm curious to know what will happen next?
You are so fucking hilarious!! We love you!!
I demand at LEAST a trilogy, because that is too effing good to let go.
Plus, yeah, I'll admit it, I'm still suffering from Harry Potter withdrawal. I need me a new series.
This is better than reading the comic strips in the newspaper. Or maybe I'm just easily amused.
Please let there be a part three! I have not laughed so hard in a long time.
if you dont get a reality show soon there is no justice in this world!
What I don't understand is how come there's so many deodorants in your house. Are they breeding or something?
Woman, you must be stopped. I just finished explaining to someone else about my pregnant incontinence -- which flares up when I laugh. Or sneeze. Or breathe too hard.
You owe me a dry pair of panties, beeyotch! *snerk*
Thanks for this.
I am a hormonal mess of tears and fears today...so thanks for the laughs. It was needed.
You are too twisted for color tv, Claree!!
You do know the cashiers at CVS are snickering after you leave. "That lady must have some serious pit stink-she's gone through FOUR sticks of antiperspirant in two weeks!"
If you don't mind them laughing AT you, we're laughing at the end result! :)
YES! YES! PART THREE!
This is some of the funniest shit I've seen. Ever. Really.
I've been riding the Degree Clinical Protection (for girls) train for a few months now, and love! Love!
Loved the post, too! :)
4 sticks of deoderant + one stinky pregnant mom = Another fucking hilarious post!
I hope so!
I think the deodorant wars needs it's own website and twitter account. Think of the possibilities!
I loved part one and was nearly whizzing myself over part two. I think you need to round it out and make it a trilogy. You should bring in Arid Xtra Dry or something like that. I'm just sayin'... :)
Secret Prescription Strength saved my life!
OMG you so have to do part 3! I am enjoying the sheeee-it out of seeing Tom's get clobbered with each new episode LOL
Mebbe ep 3 should have a pregnant Secret? Secret has a sekrit? LOL