Things. Lots of Things.
Capture the Phonetic Moment

Deodorant Wars II: The Aluminator Strikes Back

(Warning: reading Part One will probably still not help you make much sense of this nonsense.)

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DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: RIGHT! DUDES, ARE YOU READY TO GET FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT UNDERARM PROTECTION? HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH OF PUSSIFIED DEODORANTS THAT LEAVE YOU RANK AND SWEATY BY MID-DAY? ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE OF ALUMINUM ZIRCONIUM TETRACHLOROHYDREX YOU CAN BUY LEGALLY THIS SIDE OF FUCKING MEXICO? ARE YOU READY FOR THE INSANE AMOUNT OF POONTANG THAT'S ABOUT TO HEAD YOUR WAY?

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DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I am like, so totally turned on right now.

SECRET FLAWLESS: Bitch! You're from the same product line! You're practically related! Also, he's mine!

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: No way, he's mine!

DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: GIVE IT UP FOR TRISOLIDTM, LADIES! HIGH FIVE, STEVE HOLT! LET'S GO BENCH PRESSING!

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SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, you wanna start something now?

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, it's already been starterated. The caps are coming OFF, Vag Head.

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DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: CATFIGHT! NIIIIICE.

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TOM'S OF MAINE: You guuuuuuys.

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TOM'S OF MAINE: You know, so maybe I don't offer all the fancy promises you guys do. Maybe my label doesn't have a lot checklists and benefits and made-up sciencey-sounding words like yours. Maybe the warnings about aluminum in deodorant are pretty stupidly overblown and okay, maybe I don't actually "work" as a deodorant in the "traditional" sense. But I do have one thing I'd like to share with you. A song. From my heart. It goes a little something like this...

La la la la lavenderrrrr ladiessssss
I want to respect you, I want to make you feel good about your purchasing decisionsssss...

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*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*

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DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: THIS WAY, LADIES. HOW 'BOUT WE HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE AND LOOK AT MY COLLECTION OF CVS SALES CIRCULARS?

DEGREE ULTRACLEAR & SECRET FLAWLESS: *scandalized giggles*

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DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: (ASIDE) (TO AUDIENCE) ...and no one will ever have to know that I'm actually preferred by close to 100% of pregnant women who have to steal their husband's deodorant in order to not stink by lunchtime! I'm so ashamed, and yet...and yet it feels so right.

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TOM'S OF MAINE: I...I heard...that.

To be continued?

(Oh God, I hope not.)






Comments

Cassandra

Love!!

shelly b.

you are just too funny!

Hairy Farmer Family

I am quite ridiculously amused by this... do please continue!

Sarina

This is going to sound bitchy and accusatory but it's really jealousy...

You have waaaay too much time on your hands!

I'm a fellow freelnce writer/ mom and I don't have to put on deoderant let alone stag deoderant battles.

But, luckily, I have time to read all about 'em!

Keep up the good work!

Suzy Q

Part Three! Yes! Bring it on!

Sarina

I left out the word "time" above... I don't have time to put on deoderant.

Or, apparently, to proofread my comments before posting.

tuesday

You may need therapy.
: )

Jacqueline

Delurking to say-- BEST POST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET, PERIOD. (So effing funny, THANK YOU FOR THAT!!)

(all those caps were entirely necessary. I am EMPHATIC ABOUT THIS.)

Missie

Dear Amy,

There is medicine for this type of thing.

Your Friend,
Missie

Janna

continue! continue!

MamaPajama

My daughter had problems with brands not working after a month or two. The solution is---make sure your pits are very dry before applying deodorant! Towel dry then aim your hairdryer on cool setting at pits.

This doesn't help with folks who need medical help with perspiration problems but with the average sweaty pits.

Sonja

I once bought Tom's of Maine because I thought I should be more earthy-crunchy. Alas, rubbing a moist cotton ball under my arm pits would have been just as effective.

PS The Steve Holt reference is awesome!

Jen

I've heard of jumping the shark, but I'm afraid you may have jumped the snark.
Either way, I love it! (What else am I going to do at work, work?)

qwyneth

I love you. But where do you FIND that magical stuff that actually works past lunchtime?

C

Ok. What is it about being preggers and bad b.o.? I don't remember any stinkiness (well, ok, with the exception of my feet) during my first pregancy, but this time. Oh my gawd! My clothes are white with repeated applications of baby powder and deoderant. I'm going to CVS right now 'cause I'm ok with smelling like a man.

meghan

Poor Tom's of Maine always ends up knocked over! Eh, he probably deserves it.

Backpacking Dad

Oh my god: "Steve Holt".

That was golden.

Raychelle

lol! So, f'in funny :)

Jen

You just used the word 'poontang' in a blog post. I bow to you, my Hero.

Maxine Dangerous

You are my hero. :)

verybadcat

Where is Cornstarch? Does Cornstarch just never get invited to the party anymore? Sure, he's good enough when you wake up 10 minutes before you're supposed to leave and you realize that you're rubbing the empty plastic cartridge on your armpits. Sure, he bails your ass out- yet AGAIN- when that happens, but unless you're desperate, he doesn't exist? ;-)

Black Hockey Jesus

Holy Shit!

zeghsy

how am i supposed to get work done when you write this stuff!!!

brianna

DUDE. Mitchum unscented clear. That is all.

starrynite

Amy = genius!!

gwendomama

stop taunting me with your clean sinks and ample time in which to photgraph deodorant.
the clean sinks especially.
bitch.

jive turkey

Haha! Oh, poor Tom's of Maine. He means well, but he's kind of a douche.

Victoria

Eee hee hee

Lindsey

Hey! Love this! I read your first one and it was hilarious! I totally love your blog....as most people do!! Keep it up! And check out my blog if you have the time. :D

Rachael

I don't know why this is so funny. It just is.

Ryley

ummmmmm... Why do you have so many brands of deodorant???????

Granted.. I'm a little bit of a collector of it also, just because I can never find one that I "Love"... is that your issue too???? :)

Priya

STEVE HOLT!

Shana

Is it sad that I'm curious to know what will happen next?

Trishy

You are so fucking hilarious!! We love you!!

MrsWaltz

I demand at LEAST a trilogy, because that is too effing good to let go.
Plus, yeah, I'll admit it, I'm still suffering from Harry Potter withdrawal. I need me a new series.

T with Honey

This is better than reading the comic strips in the newspaper. Or maybe I'm just easily amused.

brenda

Please let there be a part three! I have not laughed so hard in a long time.

lisa

if you dont get a reality show soon there is no justice in this world!

broad

What I don't understand is how come there's so many deodorants in your house. Are they breeding or something?

MeL

Woman, you must be stopped. I just finished explaining to someone else about my pregnant incontinence -- which flares up when I laugh. Or sneeze. Or breathe too hard.

You owe me a dry pair of panties, beeyotch! *snerk*

Martha

Thanks for this.
I am a hormonal mess of tears and fears today...so thanks for the laughs. It was needed.

lizinsumner

You are too twisted for color tv, Claree!!

Suzanne

You do know the cashiers at CVS are snickering after you leave. "That lady must have some serious pit stink-she's gone through FOUR sticks of antiperspirant in two weeks!"

If you don't mind them laughing AT you, we're laughing at the end result! :)

Heather

YES! YES! PART THREE!

This is some of the funniest shit I've seen. Ever. Really.

Priscilla

I've been riding the Degree Clinical Protection (for girls) train for a few months now, and love! Love!

Loved the post, too! :)

Robin

4 sticks of deoderant + one stinky pregnant mom = Another fucking hilarious post!

catnip

I hope so!

I think the deodorant wars needs it's own website and twitter account. Think of the possibilities!

Beth

I loved part one and was nearly whizzing myself over part two. I think you need to round it out and make it a trilogy. You should bring in Arid Xtra Dry or something like that. I'm just sayin'... :)

Meredith

Secret Prescription Strength saved my life!

Kirsten

OMG you so have to do part 3! I am enjoying the sheeee-it out of seeing Tom's get clobbered with each new episode LOL

Mebbe ep 3 should have a pregnant Secret? Secret has a sekrit? LOL

sweetney

i want this to be a six-part series with epilogues.

SO NOT KIDDING.

sweetney

and prequels. goddammit, i demand prequels!

Wendy

OMFG! Degree Clinical Protection is getting me so hot! Maybe I should put on some deodorant...

http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

jonniker

This is such vintage Amalah I can't stand it. It kills me.

rockle

steve holt ftw!

Jessica

Oh Amy. My best friend from college is due when you are. In 90 degree heat. Uncomfortable is a word she chooses to describe it, but that's certainly not a direct quote... Either way, I love your blog & can't wait to sift throught the archives when it's finally my turn. Thanks for the laughs, as always!

Rin

Well, I just learned to not eat cereal when reading your blog....because I just laughed so hard it came flying out of multiple holes in my head and all over my computer. THAT WAS HILARIOUS! (your post, not the milk)

Audra

I don't know why ,but I LOVE the DO wars. You so crack me up.

Courtney

You made my day! What does that say about my life that deodorant wars makes it better?

Sara

Steve Holt is hot.

blogversary

Secert Pro Strength did not work for me while pregnant. I should have tried the Degree. Are you getting samples? Lucky duck.

sarah

STEVE HOLT! hilarious.

writerswife

You just made my evening so much better!

Kim

Oh-Emm-Geee, Amy, this made my night. You are too, too funny! *walks away giggling*

morgan S.

You seriously crack me up!!!!! I love this series. We need a Part III!

amy

Degree Clinical Protection is so macho... I LOVE that in a men's deod. I really think he and Degree Ultraclear should get it on, even if it is sort of incestuous.

aka Alice

Yeah, I was wondering if Degree CP and Degree UC hook up...is that illegal in some states?

Awesomely funny blog...more, more more!

Brittany

STEVE HOLT!

That alone made me pee!

Mel

Um, yeah. This is effin' awesome. :)

Three cheers for another awesome story post.

Keri

If you are looking for a natural deodorant that has no aluminum or any of that unnatural stuff, I SWEAR by this:

http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Thai-Crystal-Deodorant-Stone/dp/B000AN1JEI

I was recently in New Orleans and this shit WORKS. Not a whiff from my armpits. I could even reuse the same tops that I wore outside if I wanted to! CRAAAAZY but you gotta try it! =)

Keri

BTW, I'm preggers too so I understand the sudden addition of faucets in my armpits. =P I was using Tom's until a miracle occurred: Rock Thai Crystal Deodorant.

Ash

I have never laughed so hard about deodorant!

I am really looking foward to part 3! (and hopefully many more parts)

Ash

I have never laughed so hard about deodorant!

I am really looking foward to part 3! (and hopefully many more parts)

Tootsie Farklepants

I'm really hoping there's a tampon wars.

The Queen of Hyperbole

More, please.

Maria

Wahhhahahahaaa!

Love it! Please continue...

Secret

We still love you!

kalisa

I can't believe no one's snapped you up to publish your own graphic novel yet

ZoeB

I am so with Keri on the crystal deodorant. It is amazing--it works better than anything else. Granted--it's not an anti-perspirant, but I'm in an office all day--I just don't sweat that much. And it won't stain your clothes! I'm hooked forever.

katrin

Thank you for that. Just what I needed to get me out of my hyper serious mode. Life is ridiculous, isn't it?

Katrin

Maria

Hysterical. Bring on the next one.

Kate

Hilarious! Completely embarrassed myself at work by cracking up constantly while reading this. Please continue!!!

Nerwal

LMAO Steve Holt!!! I love(d) that show! Bring it back!!

And any more tales and adventures of the deodorants in your medicine cabinet are more than welcome!

Kelly

Part 2 of pee'ing in my pants and forwarding to everyone I know!!!!!

Sarah

Freaking awesome! LOVED the Steve Holt reference. Your bizarre genius continues...happily for all of us :D

girlplease

Should we be concerned that you have 4 things of deoderant?

Then again I would be more concerned if there was a hair stuck on them.

girlplease

Wait! Be concerned I can't spell "deodorant".

Sigh. Pregnancy hormone induced stupidity strikes again.

Hormone - 9
Me - 0

Traci

Part III must bring in the mack daddy of them all 'Certain Dri'. I just know it would be all gangsta up in there. Shit is strong, but works.

Love, love, love these!

Elizabeth

You are killing me with these posts, just seriously slaying me here! I was dying by the time I got to INSANE AMOUNTS OF POONTANG. more, more, more!!

Tori

I can't believe how hard I laughed at this, especially the "RIGHT! DUDES, ARE YOU READY TO GET FUCKING SERIOUS...."
You are too much

Kia

I love how the slutty chicks took their tops off upon first meeting the dude. Whores!

Jessica

I just wanted to say... STEVE HOLT!

andrea Courtois

HYSTERICAL! thanks for the 'vintage' amalah. i LOVED it. i'm going to re-read that every day!

gala

the deodorant wars part II is definitely THE BEST sequel of the summer, possibly surpassed only by the original deodorant wars. way better than "wanted", "hellboyII", and possibly "wallE". two thumbs WAY up!

Alicia

wow, you really know how to bring the funny! great!

tamstar

STEVE HOLT!!!! I'm dying!

Christine

Ok, am I the only one brave enough to ask if you were sitting on the toilet taking a "time out" while the deodorant turf wars were going down?

PS: I live by Lady Mitchum...it's clear, and it's worked for me through 2 pregnancies.

swirl girl

Can't wait for the battle of FDS Feminine Deodorant Spray!

Iron Chef got nothin' on you!

Lindz

STEVE HOLT! Love the Arrested Development shout out.

ashley.marie

This is...BRILLIANT.

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