(Warning: reading Part One will probably still not help you make much sense of this nonsense.)
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: RIGHT! DUDES, ARE YOU READY TO GET FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT UNDERARM PROTECTION? HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH OF PUSSIFIED DEODORANTS THAT LEAVE YOU RANK AND SWEATY BY MID-DAY? ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE OF ALUMINUM ZIRCONIUM TETRACHLOROHYDREX YOU CAN BUY LEGALLY THIS SIDE OF FUCKING MEXICO? ARE YOU READY FOR THE INSANE AMOUNT OF POONTANG THAT'S ABOUT TO HEAD YOUR WAY?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: I am like, so totally turned on right now.
SECRET FLAWLESS: Bitch! You're from the same product line! You're practically related! Also, he's mine!
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: No way, he's mine!
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: GIVE IT UP FOR TRISOLIDTM, LADIES! HIGH FIVE, STEVE HOLT! LET'S GO BENCH PRESSING!
SECRET FLAWLESS: Oh, you wanna start something now?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR: Oh, it's already been starterated. The caps are coming OFF, Vag Head.
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: CATFIGHT! NIIIIICE.
TOM'S OF MAINE: You guuuuuuys.
TOM'S OF MAINE: You know, so maybe I don't offer all the fancy promises you guys do. Maybe my label doesn't have a lot checklists and benefits and made-up sciencey-sounding words like yours. Maybe the warnings about aluminum in deodorant are pretty stupidly overblown and okay, maybe I don't actually "work" as a deodorant in the "traditional" sense. But I do have one thing I'd like to share with you. A song. From my heart. It goes a little something like this...
La la la la lavenderrrrr ladiessssss
I want to respect you, I want to make you feel good about your purchasing decisionsssss...
*KICK PUNCH BLAM BLAM THUD*
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: THIS WAY, LADIES. HOW 'BOUT WE HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE AND LOOK AT MY COLLECTION OF CVS SALES CIRCULARS?
DEGREE ULTRACLEAR & SECRET FLAWLESS: *scandalized giggles*
DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION: (ASIDE) (TO AUDIENCE) ...and no one will ever have to know that I'm actually preferred by close to 100% of pregnant women who have to steal their husband's deodorant in order to not stink by lunchtime! I'm so ashamed, and yet...and yet it feels so right.
TOM'S OF MAINE: I...I heard...that.
To be continued?
(Oh God, I hope not.)