"Really!"
Things. Lots of Things.

Hair Today

We interrupt all this fancy Hollywood talk to bring you a good old-fashioned hysterical mommyblogger moment of complete and total overreaction:

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OH MY FREAKING GOD LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY BABY.

Compare that with a photo taken last week -- right after I attempted to take him for a haircut but chickened out because there was kind of a long wait down at the local kiddie salon, OH WELL! NO HAIRCUT TODAY, let's get us some tacos instead.

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I know little boys with long hair are not everybody's cup of styling gel, but oh. I love Noah's curls. I love his shaggy little moptop and while I try to keep his bangs trimmed up and the back from getting too mullet-y at home, there does come a point where I have to admit that he needs a real and actual haircut. Usually around the time that other kids start mistaking him for a girl at the playground, or when I find myself playing with his hair and subconsciously pulling it into pigtails.

Fine, I said. I'll take him for a haircut.

I've actually been That Person and taken him to see MY stylist -- piggybacking on my own appointment, all innocent and oh! Look! Here's my husband and my adorable child! I bet they brought cash! Hey, while you've got your scissors out and everything, would you mind giving my son back the gift of unobscured sight? Thnx.

But then my stylist moved to Utah and I have lived in fairly blissful denial since that ANYONE in this house needs a haircut, myself included. And oh yeah, there's that whole sensory THING, meaning Noah freaks the fuck out over haircuts and I feel guilty taking him to any salon that doesn't 1) regularly deal with freaking-the-fuck-out toddlers, or 2) have the mighty mighty power of Thomas the Tank Engine videos on little televisions. Also, hair-covered lollipops.

Fine, I said. I'll take him to the kiddie kut-n-kry.

The first sign that this was a Mistake came right as Noah's name was called and my phone rang and oh, dear, jesus, lord, it was my NEW salon calling to cancel my own desperately-needed pre-Blogher hair appointment this weekend. I hoisted Noah onto the booster seat while begging and pleading for Sunday? Monday? TUESDAY? You can't DO THIS TO ME, MAAAAAN.

Noah concurred, maaaan, and took a flying boneless slither-leap off the chair and started running for the door.

"Shit!" I said.

"Coughahemshhh!" the mother of the four-year-old at the next station said.

Noah ended up on my lap for his haircut, completely disinterested in Elmo on the TV, while I tried to hold still in a full-body lock and hissed to the stylist that it would be great if she could switch the television over to T-H-O-M-A-S or maybe D-O-R-A.

"Thomas?" she barked. "I don't think we have any Thomas. Is that the one with the train?"

"THOMMMMMMASSS!" Noah wailed. "I WAANNA THOMASSSS!"

"M-O-T-H-E-R-F-U-C-K-E-R." I hissed.

I asked her for a trim. "We like it pretty long and curly. He just needs a little cleaning up is all, around the ears and neck, mostly."

I don't know whether this woman was in the midst of a personal tragedy that was, in fact, interfering with her ability to do good hair, or was maybe just a robot whose styling programming was limited to:

If [GIRL] Then
    [consider listening to words coming out of mother's mouth]
Else [BOY] Then
    [chop hair to hell]
End If

But she started cutting and like, 14 seconds later Noah's curls were covering every inch of my stupid black leggings (I am pregnant and I have developed a passionate dislike of pants, okay? lay off). I sat there blinking in shock over this...child...who did not look like my child anymore and I realized we needed to get the hell out of there before I had a complete hormonal meltdown over a couple stupid inches of hair that would grow back, I know it will grow back, but...but...oh my God. I need a burrito right this instant.

After lunch, Noah accidentally let go of the balloon he'd gotten post-haircut and was weeping again. When we got to our car he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window. His hands went up to his head and his brow furrowed as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing.

"Oh Shelby," I sighed. "Your hair. Is so short."

"I a big boy," he informed me.

I suddenly had a vision of a day when Noah comes home with a military buzzcut he'll have gotten out of rebellion from his hippie hipster parents who are always on his case to leave his hair long, and concurred that yes, he was, while silently swearing that scissors are not going near that child for the next six months, and I don't care that I am being ridiculous or if it gets long enough for a French braid, I am so not ready for the big boy hair.

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Comments

michelle

for his next haircut (in 6 months or so) I have one word for you: Flo-bee

Chris

"Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt."

LOVE that movie!

And Noah is adorable either way. Loved the curls better, though.

I'm actually needing advice about what to do about my daughter's hair. She's a couple of months younger than Noah and I'm sooo not good at girl hair. I have no idea what to tell the stylist.

Emily

I just moved away from DC and my beloved stylist at Trim who it took me three years to find. I HIGHLY recommend her (Anna) or anybody else there if you can get in.

Amalah

Nichole - No, unfortunately I don't. He moved there because of his boyfriend's job and I'm not sure if he had a salon lined up or planned to take some time off.

(OMG! I let a gay man cut our hair! I wonder if Lamont thinks it's catching. I better go take Noah's baby doll away from him too, since we're clearly not gender stereotyping our two-year-old enough.)

(EYEROLLY!)

Amalah

(Besides, all gay men are named Mark, Rick or Steve. And have track lighting.)

Sheenah

He looks so big! I think it is just amazing that you have let all of us watch him grow up. He is such an amazing little boy and I want to thank you for letting us into your lives.

christine

"Shelby was right. My hair does look like a brown football helmet."

Nikki

I know we don't want them to grow up. But, I guess now big brother is a big boy.

Maria

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for the past 40 years!"

"Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair."

Melissa from Pittsburgh

I too am in denial - haven't had a hairstyling appointment for years - lost my girl to her FAMILY - DAMMIT- DAMN HER! I just can't accept the work involved to find a new; let alone breaking her in...

This is now my plan, I just let it grow and grow till it is long enough for locks of love and then I did the free haircut. UGH ... I hate my life sometimes.

I don't have boys but I can totallly relate to NOT wanting the big boy cut - his curls were adorable ... I am sorry that your boy is growing up ... how awful (and I'm not being sarcastic at all). It' a horrible pill us mothers have to swallow watching our babies grow up and others do not understand ... only mom's know this pit in stomach feeling.

You poor thing....I feel your pain!

Maria

"When it comes to pain and suffering, she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor."

Okay, I'll stop now.

Jen K

I ADORE STEEL MAGNOLIAS, thanks for all the references. Sorry about the hair, my husband keeps taking my 5 year old and trying to get a "short summer cut" - I have a pact w/ my sylist who does all of our hair, not too much off. We like his wavy hair!

Whitney

I have been reading you for awhile now and have been compelled to comment but never did. Don't know why.
I just want you to know (and this isn't intended to be creepy...) that you inspire me to want to have a family some day, and that I hope to have a little boy/girl just a cute as Noah. He's freaking adorable.
Onto the haircut... it really is cute. Although that hippy hair is the best. It'll be back before you know it, don't worry!

susan

Wow, with the curls he looks so much like you and with out them he lookes just like his dad. He is getting so handsom.

Erika

You know, my son gets that haircut every time we go to the kiddie salon. And I agree that the "ease" of it is tempting, but I can't help but take him to a real place (where I still have to do the full body vise grip) where he gets some sort of style. It upsets me too.

Jerri Ann

For the first cut on both of my boys I carried this big ass gallon size ziplock bag. Oh yes girlfriend, I caught every piece that fell to the best of my ability.

Since then, at the ripe ages of 3 and 5, they beg for buzz cuts. They both had them last summer but obviously during the winter when they had longer hair, I forgot how easy the buzz cut is to wash and rinse.

The first buzz cut of the season, even my 3 year old said, "I can do it". He took a dripping clothe, wet his head, held out the cloth for some soap, scrubbed his bare head with the rag, rinsed it and then put it on his head over and over until the soap was gone. Unless I have a major relapse, we never have anything but buzz cuts in this house again. My husband keeps his buzzed too.

But, don't you think for one minute that I don't have every last one of those first mullet curls that were just snipped way.

themikestand

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that ever since he got that (awesome, I might add) haircut, people are saying he's starting to look like his daddy.

Julie

LOVE the Steel Magnolias references! His curls are beautiful - they will grow back. Hope you enjoyed your burrito.

Lyssa Ireland Thomas

I hate when haircuts turn toddlers into little boys! Time for a pregnant lady to lay down a hysterical ass-kicking!

SnarkyMommy

I think he looks cute with the short hair! But I am not a fan of long hair on boys -- anything that even grows a millimeter outside the neckline on my son's hair gets a trip to the kiddie salon, pronto.

marcoda

I would've cried too. I could barely handle getting my daughter's bangs trimmed for the first time and I wasn't pregnant at the time! You have every right to be upset but at least your "big boy" didn't freak out when he saw his reflection, right? If it helps, today I dropped my daughter (3yrs)off at pre-school for the first time and I bawled in the car. Oh, and I'm 8 months pregnant but I think these kinds of things are hard on mom regardless of extra hormones or not! Hang in there.

Mrs. Flinger

Ohmygod I know. I Know. Baby O will not only be called "baby O" for his dear life, he will become scarily similar looking to Kate Hudson's son. I. Can't. Cut. It.

CLK

First thing I thought: "Wow, Noah must be like a year or two older now...wait this is just Friday." I love the new hair and the old hair. Hang in there. It will grow.

Jennifer McCollum

I so can relate to this. I had the my little boy's curls cut and have never gotten over it.

Melodie

I love that you managed to capture the "essence" of the woman's ass right next to Noah's head! Spot on!

*pixie*

I've never cut my son's hair. He's 15 months old and I'm not in any hurry. In my eyes it will never be the same once we cut it. I love those wispy red curls too much to part with them right now. You are totally not being irrational.

Catherine

Oh, you all are so cute! Let me tell you where the curls go. The curly haired cherub gets haircuts and looks all groomed through school, eventually grows up, goes to college, goes to tromp around the jungle (anthropology major), comes home, and a friend sees him and whispers, "Jesus Christ." I replied, "No, he gets that a lot, but it's just the hair and the sandals." Fear not! The curls are still there.

Kari

I have never really gotten busted reading the internet at work until I saw the Shelby line.

This post was freaking magnificent. I missed the 'personal tragedy' line at first, but caught it on the re-read. Jut positively outstanding.

girlplease

Yea I agreew with you. That's a bad cut. I would have grabbed her hair and cut a huge chunk right out of the side.

Brittany

OMG this happened to me, this happened to me!

I love the long "surfer boy" haircut. Both my boys have it, I play with the curls, sometimes wistfully pulling it into pigtails, all the while, loving every inch of it, secretly judging the buzz cut toddlers with their walmart haircuts at the playground. Well, in a pinch...as in before family pictures and I forgot to get a trim, I needed toddler's bangs cut, and out of necessity, I went into walmart, I mean, it's just bangs, two snips max. I turned away for a second, OMFG. My husband had to remove me from the "salon" in tears. The destroyed the effortlessly cool surfer boy look i had worked so hard to develop, into a...GASP...DRY HEAVE...BOWL CUT!

It's been two weeks, things are growing back, and I am NEVER cutting their hair again.

Brittany

OMG this happened to me, this happened to me!

I love the long "surfer boy" haircut. Both my boys have it, I play with the curls, sometimes wistfully pulling it into pigtails, all the while, loving every inch of it, secretly judging the buzz cut toddlers with their walmart haircuts at the playground. Well, in a pinch...as in before family pictures and I forgot to get a trim, I needed toddler's bangs cut, and out of necessity, I went into walmart, I mean, it's just bangs, two snips max. I turned away for a second, OMFG. My husband had to remove me from the "salon" in tears. The destroyed the effortlessly cool surfer boy look i had worked so hard to develop, into a...GASP...DRY HEAVE...BOWL CUT!

It's been two weeks, things are growing back, and I am NEVER cutting their hair again.

Wendy

God! I so know what you mean. My son's name is Noah, too, and he had the cutest curly hair. And he loved it. He was the one who said he wanted to grow it long, but his other dad hated it. When his dad got married earlier this month they had it cut. I hate it so badly that I haven't even wanted to take a new picture of him to post the "after." You can see his perfect pictures here...

http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com/2008/06/noah-has-been-growing-his-hair-for.html

I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't know how you were able to refrain from c-u-s-s-i-n-g the lady out.

www.notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

imstell

You should marry my husband. He went backpacking this weekend and I delocked our 3 year old who's hair tangles every morning into teeny, tiny little dreadlocky things. He also has sensory issues and looses his sh!t whenever his hair has to be combed. Long and the short... Daddy-O is gonna loose his own sh!t when he sees delockrd son.

JennC

Steel Magnolias reference? I kind of love you.

Lamont Cranston

I just don't get it. Why do mom's want thier boys to look like girls?

Lamont

BooMom

NOOO! THE *sob* CURLS !!

Did you just bust into tears at the "I a big boy" statement?


Lovin' the Steel Magnolias quotes !
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize"

Izzy

I can only assume it's because our boys are almost the same age but srsly, we DO LIVE PARALLEL LIVES.

I took my own golden-mopped pinnacle of adorableness to get a trim and he now has NOAH'S SAME HAIRCUT.

I almost cried. Where are the curls? Where's my little baby?

It's already growing out, though, thank the sweet baby jeebus.

NEW RULE: No more haircuts at any establishment that has six different cartoons playing on six different TVs. Oh, hell noes.

peanutsmama

"My colors are blush and bashful." "Her colors are pink and pink." I am still mad (five years later) that my husband wouldn't let the groom's cake be in the shape of an armadillo. It was already red velvet!
Noah is still adorable, but I miss the curls. Lamont can suck it!

Nicole/wksocmom

He is a cutie. I suspect our kids will be getting that rebellious military cut some day. My husband has scared our hairdresser into never ever cutting much of ou kids' hair off. One is always called a girl, the other can usually hardly see.

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