July 09, 2008
Well. THAT sure was some damn first-trimester hair, no? Something definitely...deflatey...happened to it in between my last-minute fluff-job in the bathroom upstairs and sitting down at the judges' table.
But! My arms looked pretty skinny, AND they spelled my website's name correctly in the closed captioning. Success! Two thumbs up! Fine holiday fun. Now let us never speak of this again.
Well, AFTER I talk about it just a little more, because really, what the hell else do I have to talk about, short of continuing my Grand Tradition of posting about something really gross and personal and embarrassing right in the wake of some kind of major media exposure? (Hey! Once the Throwdown buzz dies down remind me to tell you about the time I almost rushed myself to Labor & Delivery because of a hemorrhoid! The time called "Tuesday!")
1) Despite the fact that I honestly really know NO ONE and have NO FRIENDS and haven't gotten a haircut since JANUARY because I have NO FRIENDS who can watch my spawn for a few hours and I never GO ANYWHERE ANYWAY, pretty much every single person who got a soundbite on the show is a friend of ours. I feel so CONNECTED. I should get on MYSPACE. Or at least log in to my LinkedIn profile occasionally and...link in, or whatever I'm supposed to do there.
2) Speaking of My Awesome Friends, Danny (the guy in a suit who ripped Bobby's one-note mussels a new asshole) (I assume mussels have assholes? whatever, I'm a fucking expert on them now) also had this to say about Bobby's fries: "They're like taking a beautiful woman out on a date, only to discover that she's dumb." Sadly, that ended up on the cutting room floor. Also, I love that guy.
3) Being surrounded by friends who were also horrified at the sight of their faces all up there in high-definition made the viewing experience much easier. Generous sips of Jason's beer also helped, as did the fact that Jason's beer (I would later learn) was about 10% alcohol by volume. Um. Oops?
4) It was after a few generous sips of this beer that I ended up talking to a reporter for a local newspaper. Oh. Yes. THAT'S JUST GOING TO BE GREAT FOR EVERYBODY.
5) I don't remember tossing my hands up like that at any point during the judging. Was I trying to...read? Wrestling with the complicated concept of "Dish A" and "Dish B?" Signaling my inability to say a sentence without using the word "really" multiple times?
6) Anyone who knows me in real life could easily recognize my Lying Face during the announcement of the Throwdown winner. Wow! This was really close! Really tough decision! Both dishes were amazing! Lying liar! It's not that Bobby's version was terrible -- it really WAS spicy and I DO love spicy -- but Teddy's was...way, way, really, really better. Way and really. While Bobby talked about using the same cultivated P.E.I. mussels as Teddy uses, something must've gone awry between the sourcing for the test kitchen segment and the actual Throwdown, because Bobby's mussels were small and stringy and NOTHING like the rope-grown pats o' butter that were in Teddy's version.
7) But before I sound like I know what I'm talking about TOO MUCH, how totally awesome was it that the show demonstrated (TWICE) the "proper" way to eat mussels, using the shell. You know, so everybody got to see that, except for the judges, who were sequestered upstairs and missed it. And thus used forks. Maybe next time I can judge a sushi competition and request those chopsticks with the training wheels on them. Or a spork.
8) Teddy Folkman reads Amalah! He doesn't have a kid or ever want one, thanks to reading this site, but thinks it's very funny. I do what I can for population control, people, including a dramatic retelling of my labor and birth story for two non-moms, one of whom I had just met five minutes before and was all "THERE WAS MECONIUM IN THE FLUID, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF MY FRIES?"
9) Shout-outs to all the other Amalah readers I met last night, who were of course just as lovely as can be. I was as graceful and tactful as ever, what with the announcing that "Hey! I have that shirt! I love that shirt!" and stopping myself (BY MERE INCHES) from grabbing at a total stranger's boob region. And this was before the beer sips, so...yeah. Blogher is going to rock, and I'm sure I'll make tons of new friends and land a guest spot on the new TV show "What Not to Wear, Say or Do Ever: America's Next Top Socially Awkward Compulsive Oversharer."
10) Also the serious documentary "10 Full Items: Life & List-Making With OCD."