32 Weeks, Conveniently
About Last Night

Bait & Tackle

The other day, while getting Noah ready for his nap, I noticed something. Something...odd...and white? What is that? The odd-and-possibly-white thing was on a...how shall I say...very delicate and highly valuable part of his anatomy. A part that I have probably not been allowed contact with since he mastered his hand/eye coordination enough to meet every attempt to clean or examine said part with a tremendous thwack.

THAT'S MINE, LADY. BACK OFF.

So my attempts to determine the origins of the odd white-ish thing were rather futile. I assumed it was a bit of paper, and if you're wondering why "a bit of paper" was the obvious, most-likely answer I can guess right now that you have not changed many diapers in your life, my friend, because sooner or later you will come to expect stray Cheerios and Mr. Potato Head parts falling out all the time. It's not like they have POCKETS, or anything.

Eventually I realized that the...thing....appeared to actually be connected to his...thing. Like, possibly with skin. Like it possibly WAS skin.

I wasn't entirely sure that was possible, but...I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS EQUIPMENT. So I opted to go with my default solution for All Things Involving That Thing, which is...Vaseline.

(Shut up. I learned that one from the hospital. It was the closest thing to an instruction manual as we got -- the nurse handed us a small tub of Vaseline and told us to use it "down there" with a super-scientific wave of her hand.)

So I dug out the Vaseline, wrastled the child to the floor and gooped the whole area up. Then I slapped a pull-up on him, sent him to bed and congratulated myself on a job half-assed.

I thought about calling Jason to describe the Odd White Thing -- perhaps, as the owner of a similar set of plumbing, he would know what to do? But then I pictured him sitting there, in a gorgeous pin-striped suit, around a gleaming conference table with a dozen Important Clients, who perhaps have briefcases full of money in front of them, and it's all up to Jason to nail the presentation when suddenly his phone rings and he explains that oh, sorry, he HAS to take this, because his dear sweet wife is pregnant, and instead I get on the phone and start asking him about whether guys occasionally, I don't know, gouge divots in themselves with their fingernails, or something?

(Jason wears flat-front khakis to work most days, and as far as I know he doesn't generally ever get paid in briefcases full of money.)

But I figured maybe I should try to solve this one on my own. Right! To Google! Except...hmm. I wasn't exactly sure how to phrase this one. I didn't want to see...like, PICTURES. Nor did I really want any information whatsoever about all the many OPTIONS for male anatomy injuries and I certainly didn't want to include the word "toddler" in there because that just opens up a whole new cache of worms.  It was just like the time I was convinced the FBI was going to storm my house and take my son away because I was the pervert on BabyCenter.com looking for What To Do When Your Child Seems To Maybe Enjoy A Bit Of Private Time With The Sofa Cushions If You Know What I Mean. I thought about maybe emailing some bloggers who had sons. Or calling my mom.

Mostly I just wanted to hear someone tell me to "Put a little Vaseline on it, he'll be fine."

I ended up going with option B: Doing Nothing At All. I waited until he woke up from his nap and tried to examine it again, with limited success. It LOOKED like it might be a little better. Sort of...pinkish and not so white? I tried to quiz him about the origins of the Thing, which was SO HELPFUL. Apparently, a dinosaur did it.

Noted. How about some more Vaseline?

My phone rang. It was Jason. He was on his way home. I blurted out the whole story, about the odd white thing that now looks kind of pink and I think it might be skin or maybe...a burn? Like...chafing? Shrinkage? Any of this sounding like something run-of-the-mill and normal from your childhood that your mom used to treat with Vaseline on a regular basis?

There was silence. I think he was pulling the car off the highway, just so he could fully wind up and let me have it.

"OH MY GOD DID YOU CALL THE DOCTOR WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL THE DOCTOR WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PIECES OF FLESH ARE HANGING OFF OUR CHILD'S <REDACTED> AND YOU DIDN'T CALL THE DOCTOR OR TAKE HIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM LIKE HOW MUCH SKIN ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HERE CALL THE DOCTOR OH MY GOD."

"But...I put Vaseline on it? And I think it looks better?"

"YOU THINK."

"He won't really let me look at it. He gets mad."

"HE WEIGHS 31 POUNDS."

"But he's a...thrashy 31 pounds."

"WE ARE TALKING. ABOUT. A VERY IMPORTANT. THING. HERE. YOU DO NOT. FUCK. AROUND. WITH THIS."

"Fine. Hold on. I will go look at it again."

"...."

"Never mind."

"WHAT."

"Never mind. It's nothing."

"WHAT."

"It was part of a fruit sticker."

"..."

"It was white with red letters. The Vaseline must have turned it pink. Anyway, it's gone now."

"..."

"Are you okay?"

"...amen."

"Were you praying?"

"I just...I was just really scared there."

"Wow."

"I'll, uh, see you in a few minutes."

"Okay, I love you!"

"I love you too."

AND...FIN!

Comments

Hey You

OMG that is FREAKIN hilarious. I call my hubby with penis questions all the time as well...he is used to it.

Jenny

Okay, that was hilarious. Look what I have to look forward to.

Hilary

That is phenomenal.

Loralee

BWAH HA HA HA HA!

Dear GOD.

First I'm snotting buckets over at Her Bad Mother and now I'm DYING OF LAUGHTER.

(It's a little bit like a one woman Steel Magnolia's moment over here only without the diabetes or the helmet-hairdo.)

I loved your husband's reaction. Men take their peep-peeps VERY seriously, indeed.

Lori

Bizarre and hilarious. I know what you mean about the Google searches... and I loved the idea of a whole *cache* of worms. ;-)

Julie

I am afraid that I just snorted in a very unladylike manner. Wait, is is possible to snort like a lady? Nevermind.

The men, they are very sensitive about anything to do with the equipment, aren't they? My husband also gets all penis questions.

jonniker

A FRUIT STICKER. HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oh my God. I actually lost it laughing on that one. A FRUIT STICKER.

secha

That's... pretty awesome, haha. My co-workers are staring at me, trying to figure out what I'm laughing at so hard.

Heather B.

That's the funniest shit ever.

Sarah

I swear to God you're going to get me fired. You are the most hilarious, authentic writer of daily mommyhood that I know of. I love you.

Amie

AHAHAHA!! I am forever asking Greg to check out Gabe's goods when something doesn't look right. Just like he sends Aislinn to me whenever she complains about her issues.

jive turkey

HA! Glad it was just a fruit sticker, because i was getting really nervous for you, especially when it came to trying to Google the damn thing. I'm pretty good at internet searches, but...that's a tough one.

Some People Call Me Mom

I have 3 kids with the same equipment and I would have done the same thing. If there are issues in that area there is a direct referral to their daddy.

Dinosaurs sure are tricky!

bluepaintred

HA! one afternoon, about 20 minutes after I had put my son down to nap, he started crying. I rushed in, as it was a scared kind of cry not an "I hate naps" cry.

He was laying there, crying, in his little race car underwear with his man part stuck out the side of the leg.

He had. ahem, woken it up, and then could not get it back inside his underwear in its present condition. I laughed my ass down the hall, and made his daddy go in and deal with it!

Any time a problem occurs with the boys with the equipment I do not have, it's up to their dad to deal with!

Ris

My boss now questions my sanity because I just burst into uncontrollable BWHAHAHAHAHAH laughter in my cube when I'm supposed to be working over here. Hilarious.

nonsoccermom

Ha ha ha ha HAAAAAAA. That is SO AWESOME!!!

Brad

Wow. I had no idea moms were so scared of the penis! Penis penis penis!

Glad his little buddy is ok. Vaseline rocks.

kc

Wow. That is hilarious. I think I would be nervous about googling it.

Liz

We call it the undercarriage at our house, and I have made clear to my husband that he alone is responsible for all undercarriage maintenance issues.

Jim

That's so funny. It's even better to hear it from a woman's point of view.

My wife always makes me check. The best answer I was ever able to give her was, "It's a rice puff." How do they get this stuff there? I think it has to do with particle physics.

Jill (CDJ)

Whoa! That makes me really glad I don't have one of those . I have enough issues. Having that much anxiety attached to my would just send me over the edge!

Becca

ARhaharharhar! So glad you didn't call the doctor.

MamaCarter

Holy shit I am sitting here doing kegels because I almost peed myself laughing at this one!!

Jen

Oh dear God. I can't read your blog anymore at work. Am reduced to a shrivelled up pile of heaving giggles.

wealhtheow

My kiddo had an abrasion on his penis (cloth diapers, DC summers, 'nough said) a few months ago that started to get infected, I took him to the doctor--for the fourth time in 2 weeks. I felt so triumphant when the doctor told me "OK, THIS time you really did need to come in." Got some antibiotic creams (evidently, Neosporin won't cut it due to the risk of secondary infection since it is Down There). Now all my husband has to worry about is working downstairs with single colleagues and having me holler "He's looking red again! Can you get me his penis creams?"

Alicia

ha haaaaa!! a fruit sticker!! ha ha. google would not have had the right advice for this problem!

do you ever think that noah will read your blog when he is older, I believe there will be some blushing on his part if he ever reads it!

rachel

i just read that three times and i'm still laughing so hard i'm tearing up. we women will never understand men and their "equipment."

bluepaintred - that's hilarious! poor kid!

Nothing But Bonfires

I just KNOW there is a joke to be made here about bananas, but I can't quite bring myself to make it.

Auds at Barking Mad

And again, yet another reminder of why I am thankful my final child was of the female persuasion. I have enough to worry about with the drama associated with all things girl...I didn't need any penis drama!

Ariel

And I was just thinking I wanted a boy?
Um.. Maybe I'm better off with a girl...?
I guess male or female they ALL have little anatomical "problems" at one point or another.

wordnerd

Mystery solved, as the innernets laugh hysterically!
My friend/coworker had a similar story - her little boy had some surgery and she was told to call the doctor if she had any questions. She called the urologist at 3 a.m.to tell him that the head of her baby's winkie had apparently fallen off in the crib and she had looked everywhere and couldn't find it. (It just so happened that said post-surgical winkie was just swollen, causing the *ahem* missing item to not actually be missing. Just, you know, not readily apparent...)

I'm going to go make fun of her all over again for that.

verybadcat

Reminds me of a episode I had with WH when we were dating. He broke out in this creepy itchy rash. On the side of his face, his neck, down his back. He insisted it was nothing. Must have been some chemical in the garden section of the WalMarts. I'll just take a shower and it will be fine.

Comes out of the shower screaming bloody murder. Seems that when that rash made a rush for the Southern Border, it was all of a sudden serious enough for an ER visit.

*snort*

MommyTime

Bwahahahah! This is hilarious. I think I have gone through exactly the same thing with the Google and the fear of photos (or criminal prosecution) trying to figure out whether a particular diaper rash was a yeast infecti@n or not... But your husband's reaction? Priceless. Thanks for an excellent laugh today.

Jen@ODBT

What a hilarious story. Love it! Glad it was only a fruit sticker...

Sensibly Sassy

Oh my goodness all that for a sticker.

AMomTwoBoys

Too funny.

We have the opposite problem here. Dylan is MORE THAN HAPPY to show anyone his boy parts. Especially lately, as it's been getting...erect...on occassion. He pulls it out and asks me to touch it. I need to nip that in the bud. No pun intended.

Audra

OMG I think I love you. I am laughing so hard and feeling much better about the time I almost rushed my daughter to the ER for a cheerio stuck in her belly button. (didn't realize it was a cheerio, long story)

ali

i ignore all things penis until the husband gets home to deal with it!

PomJob

But how did it get down there? Do you think he ate the sticker and pooped it out and that's where it ended up? Or did he think it needed a little decoration? Did he feed the sticker to the dinosaur? The possibilties are endless.

Megan

Hahaha! Oh, man, that would have been one hilarious Google search.

But seriously, I'm glad it was a fruit sticker. I'm just sorry we couldn't get a video of Jason freakin' out!

qwyneth

Oh man, I laughed so hard at this. Thanks, I needed this today. :)

Amaelija

Oh dear Lord, that was hilarious. Seriously, my eyes are watering.

Nikki

That was so funny, I was laugh crying for like 10 minutes. I can't believe Jason freaked like that, it's so funny!!!

PS. I would've used vaseline too!

Sarah

bravo! that was very entertaining.

Hope

Bahahaha. Too funny!

Jen

Dear God,
Thank you for giving me a girl.
Love, Jen

PS- Irony would be if that fruit sticker came from a banana..

Sarah

Oh. My. God.

Hilarious!!!!

(And so glad it was nothing more serious than a fruit sticker!)

Suzanne

You are aware that our children determine the nursing home we go into, right?

Hilarious!

Sils

This is why Spencer and I can't have kids, these phone calls would be a daily occurance.

Catherine

Poor Jason. lol!

Kyla

Hilarious!

Anytime there is a problem with there we call our resident "Pen!s Expert" which is Josh. And if he isn't here? That answer is always Vaseline. "Let's just put some of this on it until your father gets home." Good call.

I don't know how they live with those things. Heh.

heels

HA! I've had to sit on my son to hold him down so that I could investigate unknown substances in that region.

About a month ago, he got a little cut there from the mesh lining of his bathing suit and asked to have a band-aid on it. I refused. Can you imagine how much that would hurt?!

HeatherPride

Foiled again by the fruit sticker on the penis trick!!

anna

HAH! I am equally clueless about what is supposed to be going on down there. My husband is constantly micromanaging my cleaning of said area on our son, and I cannot tell you how many times I have to hear, "You have to get in AROUND his nutsack! Around his nutsack!"

So uncomfortable.

Kathy

I think I just peed. You owe me a pair of panties.

Florencia

Okay, first off, thanks for the good laugh, I SO needed that. Second, I have found many a Cheerio, green pea, scrambled eggs, etc, etc in my daughter's diaper. The fun never ends!

Karen

HAAAAA! I have three boys, and I was simultaneously laughing and nodding the whole time I read this post. So. Freaking. Funny.

Reminds me vividly of the time my second son somehow incurred a mysterious boo boo on that area whilst getting out of the bath, and he turned to me and said, "Maybe you could kiss it?"

Um.

Karen

Oh, and "Apparently a dinosaur did it." That is so like something my kid would say, too.

Fran

OMG! Single mom of the three yr old boy here! PLEASE don't be giving me more things to anticipate worrying about. Gotta run right now and get all the stickers OUTTA the house.

Good lordy, if there ever is any kind of, um, incident, y'all will be my first resource.

Good story tho.

Emily

That is by far, the funniest thing I've ever read - this might beat your deordorant picture post.

My younger brother freaked out when he was probably 3 - came running up to me "Help me Help me!!! it's HUGE". And guess what he was talking about. My mom and I about died laughing (attempted to keep our composure in front of him of course). Just told him to go lie down, not think about it or touch it and he should live. He kept yelling from the other room, "It's still big". He'll never live that one down.

Little boys are too funny - and the dinosaur thing - precious.

Jessica

Wait... little boys get erections? SERIOUSLY? I can never have boys. I am terrified of this. AGH! (I am not terrified of man erections, because you know, normal, and OMG... nevermind).

Meghan

Hil-ar-i-ous! I needed that... :)

Annie

Dudes. They won't go to the doctor when their leg is falling off or their brains is running out their ear, convinced they can walk it off. But when The Equipment is in ANY danger (real or imagined), it's all MAYDAY MAYDAY I NEED HELP HERE.

Leaf, probably...

Oh my god, Laughing so hard right now!

At least you didn't take him to the doctor - imagine how embarrasing that would have been!

Rachael

Oh my gosh, that is so funny. The perfect example of what happens when women have sons... I never had brothers or anything, and sometimes I am perplexed by that THING down there.

Maxine Dangerous

There's a Fruit of the Loom joke in here somewhere... :)

lizinsumner

I have a somewhat similar story of around 12 years ago that involves my (then)childless sister-in-law and my (then) 2 year old mostly pre-verbal son (he's 14 now) and a strawberry fruit roll-up; and a frantic me running with child and a very soiled diaper to the pediatrician's office so that the very soiled diaper could be microscopically examined, and well, it was a strawberry fruit roll-up. That my sister-in-law didn't tell me about. Until AFTER I returned from the pediatrician's office. I almost changed pediatricians, so great was my embarassment - but, he was too good a doctor to lose. Fortunately, his memory isn't long enough to remember the incident (I hope)!!

Ashlea

So funny!!!! I love your stories. Thats why i have nominated you for an award. If you would like to have a look i have written a post on it over at my blog.

Im just letting you know that I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Congratulations!

Ashlea

So funny!!!! I love your stories. Thats why i have nominated you for an award. If you would like to have a look i have written a post on it over at my blog.

Im just letting you know that I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Congratulations!

ali

Hold the phone. So my husband *isn't* the only one who freaks the frick out and yells at me before he has the entire story on something? Well, THAT's always nice to know.

Also, I had to come back later to comment, because I actually peed a little I was laughing so hard when I read this. And I've never given birth, so there's just. no. excuse.

melissa

That's hilarious! You can't make that shit up...Thank you for sharing!!!

peanutsmama

I actually laughed out loud. I laughed so loud my husband asked me what was going on. Freakin' brilliant.

Dear God- thank you for giving ma a girl. I can handle lady bits. Amen.

Lea White

That was absolutely hilarious!!! Imagine you called the doctor, raced all the way, just for them to tell you it was a sticker...

Thank goodness I have girls...

Lea White
http://whitesinnz.blogspot.com

Miguelina

ha ha!

Ginger

That makes me laugh and freak out a little, I am scared to death of the boy bits and I am about to have twin boys!

Alissa

totally wetting my pants over here. classic.

kcgirlindc

Dear.God.that.was.FUNNY!

jodifur

you can email me anytime about Noah's wee wee. Anytime.

Shawnna

AWESOMENESS!!

"a thrashy 31 pounds" They are freakishly strong aren't they?

Genie

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

oh my, the neighbors may call the police because I laughed so loud.

I've got to go wipe my tears now.

Colleen

BWAHAHAHAHHA!

I would've done the same thing as you...though it would've been A&D ointment. Between that stuff and Vick Vapor Rub I feel I can cure any and all maladies.

Mrs. Schmitty

I was really starting to get worried. And then you got me! I almost blew pepsi outta my nose. Men just don't think anything is funny when it comes to their..um you know!

Jalon

You and your husband have the weirdest relationship! LOL And, Jessica - TMI Girl, TMI!!!

bluestreak

Oh my god, you just made me completely re-examine my whole attitude about mommy bloggers. I freaking love your blog and haven´t laughed out loud like that in a long damn time.

Nina

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

OMG. So freaking funny.

Kelley

Phew. You scared me there. Cause I don't know of this vaseline thing. And now I know that if he ever has the urge to cover his willy with stickers I just have to cover it in vaseline. Thanks for that.

tracey

So, basically, you were a GENIUS with the Vaseline, right?

Um, glad it WASN'T flesh hanging off of his equipment!

Traci

This is so why I am glad I have girls. Lesson here is- Vaseline cures EVERYTHING.

MMM

that was awesome. and totally something i would do.

Lori

Was it from a banana?

Tara

OMG, how funny is that! Peeing my pants over here. And you have now set the bar for "funny" for the rest of the day--I doubt anyone will be able to match (much less surpass) this one. Thanks!

Karianna

A fruit sticker! Excellent.

We've (well, the boys) have had all kinds of interesting things relating to that "package" -- like a hair tourniquet and the lets-turn-the-skin-inside-out.

But then there was that time a little leaf flew in my eye and I thought the redness of the leaf was a ton of blood...

susan

Now I just can't wait for the fun stuff like that to start. I have an 8 month old boy and my husband will get all of those issues for sure. Jason's reaction reminds me of what my husbands was after the circumsition, LOL.

Melissa

Oh my. I didn't realize how badly I needed that laugh. I'm glad it was nothing serious.

Vicki

OMG. That was sooo funny. I have made my husband come in the room and check my boys several times. I never know what's normal for little boy parts. There's only been one time I had to ask him if something was normal and he didn't know. Turns out it was double hernias and the Dr. was really glad we caught it early. I guess its a good thing to try to examine the junk on a regular basis. I found a triangle block in one of mine's diaper just the other day...LOL.

galsaturday

If it makes you feel any better, I once FREAKED out because I had a large bug stuck to the back of my leg and I couldn't knock it loose. Maybe because it was a birthmark. Whoops! I guess I should wear my glasses all the time!

elle

This was hilarious. And Emily up in the comments somewhere is making me crack-up too, with the brother and the scary erection, haha. This has to be one of the best posts I've read here.

rachel beto

Don't undersell yourself--I've heard that fruit stickers NOT treated with Vaseline are actually QUITE DANGEROUS. You did the right thing.

Lamont Cranston

Oh yeah. Big Jim and the Twins are IMPORTANT, and it's a father's job to look out for his son's until he is old enough to look out for them himself. I remember my Dad getting "urgent" on a couple of occasions in my early childhood.

And yes, little boys get erections. In fact, infants can do it.

Lamont

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