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Where the Sap Flows Like Wine

God. Am a walking, gestating rerun.

The same thing happened last time, but I cannot HELP IT. I am currently too distracted by my fat little stack of photos of my fat little orange ghost-fetus to write about anything except how much I looooooooooohhhhve him. Want to snuuuuuuggle him. To hug him and squeeze him and call him George.* Then I want to punch myself in the face a little bit, because DAMMIT WOMAN, STOP SPOONING THAT SHEET OF WALLET-SIZED PHOTOS AND GO REORGANIZE THE LINEN CLOSET.

But. Then. Those. Cheeks! Smooooooooosh.

*He will not be called George.

I wasn't really very gung-ho about the 3D ultrasound this time -- Jason actually ended up making the appointment, once it became clear that I was constantly "too busy" to call, what with the phone being alllll the way over there, and my butt being alllllll the way over here. (For those of you who asked -- this was an elective, non-medical ultrasound, paid for with cash money. To some teenager at the mall. At a combination sonogram/frozen yogurt kiosk. Free froyo with every 30 minute session!) (Not really.)

Anyway. I was...reserved, this time. Partially because I was terrified the ultrasound would reveal that we were actually having a girl and the rest of this pregnancy would be doomed to be wracked with anxiety and guilt because I didn't want a girl, I really really didn't want a girl, even though everybody assumed I wanted a girl after having a boy but no, no, no, I did not. If I was going to be surprised with a girl, I preferred it to happen on delivery day, once the baby was in my arms and I could hold her and let the schmoopy baby love clichés wash away my white-knuckled terror over OH CRAP A GIRL. Finding out nine weeks ahead of time? Oh man, I cannot even imagine the dark pit of crazy I'd dig for myself in that much time.

I've also recently been struggling with some...ambivalence? I guess? about this pregnancy. Yes. This longed-for, wanted and sobbed-on-the-bathroom-floor-for pregnancy. I didn't feel ready. Or like I even wanted to be ready. After spending the first 12 weeks clutching the general baby-housing area and begging it NOT TO DIE, PLEASE DON'T DIE, I spent another 12 weeks throwing up or feeling like throwing up, and then just when I finally felt better and nicely, comfortably pregnant...BOOM. Third trimester. Incoming baby. Wild wrastlin' bobcat thrashin' around your insides and holy shit, that's a full-sized FOOT right there. I have socks that would FIT that foot upstairs somewhere.

I feel like I just peed on the stick, and suddenly there's this thing with feet jabbing me in the ribs and it's going to want boob and constant attention and diaper changes and someone's hair to throw up on. And I haven't exactly felt very maternal about that thing.

I would cuddle with Noah and feel extremely maternal about him, oh, that boy, my boy, my heart. And then I'd think about what it will be like once the baby is here -- how thin I'll be spread, how tired, how impatient. And I'd just...dread it.

I would work, like I always do, with the din of cartoons in the background, stopping and starting my sentences over and over to accommodate Noah's interruptions, to assure him that I heard him, yes, that's a very good observation, to jump up when requested and dance to a song or draw him an octagon or make a g-clef out of a twist tie. I would work furiously during naptime, reveling when I could hit the publish button for the last time of the day and hear nothing but sleepy silence from upstairs. Free time! Oh, dear lord, the luxury. I'd lay down to read or nap but the thoughts would creep in. Enjoy this before that ticking timebomb of timesuck in your belly gets here, because this will never happen again, ha ha ha.

I would put Noah to bed, already feeling spread thin and tired and ashamed at how I lost my temper while trying to cram his uncooperating body into pajamas. And then I'd think about this times two -- another stack of bedtime stories, another war over the toothbrush, another noodlely set of limbs running buck-naked down the hallway, thinking it's a game while Mama has fucking had enough of this shit, GET IN BED.

And yeah, I'd dread it.

I mean, I still do, sometimes. I know it's not going to be easy. I have no idea what my days and nights will be like in October -- whether I'll find them surprisingly tolerable or absolutely miserable or something else.

But I know. I remember. I look at that face and find incredible peace because it will be so, so very much worth it.

Babystorch_42

 

Comments

AMomTwoBoys

Amen to all of it, sister. The excitement, ambivalence, terror, excitement.

Those 3-D ultrasounds are a bit freaky, no? I still have mine hanging on my fridge. As if looking at the REAL THING isn't good enough.

Tiffany

Yay for the baby still being a boy! I found out with 8 weeks left that my girl is now a boy. Shock!

So thank you for these posts. I am still sad at the thought of no girl, but you make me excited to have a boy. I love reading about Noah and seeing pictures of him and the New Baby. So... thanks!

Loralee

Remember what I said about my overies exploding everytime I come here?

I'm totally baby hungry, but frightened to death. This sounds an awful lot like how I predict my next pregnancy will be like.

Except I really, really, REALLY want a GIRL. (After 3 boys, I am ready to buy some pink.) I am not getting my hopes up, though. My husband is incapable of anything female coming from his body. Damn him and his virile, manly sperm.

Sensibly Sassy

It does feel like this pregnancy flew by (for the bystander of course). It feels like just yesterday you announced the pregnancy and then you were worried you weren't big enough and now - baboom- Here comes George (ya ya I know)!!

Helen

Oh so natural! I felt that way every time...how would I cope with 2 babies? 3? Oh NO a baby and THREE teenagers and a stepkid too? 5 kids? WTH? Oh that's it, I'm having number 6 at 41...stupid ME! And every time...oh my good heavens, would you look at that? I can find some more love when I thought I was all out.
Number 4 was a girl til the day before he was born...5 U/S saying a girl! He is a glorious boy and we are thrilled he is just as he is.
Your orange baby is too cute for words and I don't blame you at all for being completely distracted by his smooshy little face with the button nose and kissy kissy lips!
Oh I can barely wait to hear what his name will be. George is a wonderful name, even if it isn't HIS wonderful name.

Middle-Aged-Woman

Boy looks like he's making a gang sign in that shot.

heels

"running buck-naked down the hallway, thinking it's a game while Mama has fucking had enough of this shit, GET IN BED"

Dude- totally.

And also, yeah. As much as I want another baby SO BAD, I'm also scared shitless about the everyday reality of another. I can't even talk to my husband about it because I don't want to scare him off the idea now that I've finally convinced him it's a good one!

Velma

Here's my simplistic analogy about having a second kid:

You and Noah and Jason are snuggled up on a cozy little loveseat together.

You are right at the point where the 3 of you fit so perfectly together there on that dinky couchlet that you don't even think there will room for the baby.

But once the baby arrives, all 3 of you will bend and wiggle around a little bit, making room for the baby, and voila! There will be 4 of you snuggled up on the loveseat.

It may be a tighter fit, and everyone will feel a little squeezed at times, but it's all good. Or, at least that's how it worked for me. :)

slick63

Simply: He's Beautiful!!!!

Maura

That's how I feel about child birthing/rearing in general. So I come here and a half dozen other sites to get my dose of cute with a heaping side of reality. Then I say 29 and no kiddies isn't so bad. But I can't wait to see your kiddie. And I'm 100% with you on the white-knuckle-hope-it's-a-boy issue. I'm not in favor of genetic engineering, but I do have my fingers and toes crossed when my day comes.

Jill (CDJ)

I was there, right in that very place you are, last year this time. Except you forgot one... How can I possibly love this new baby as much as I love my first one? So I can relate, and I can tell you that it's not as hard as you think it's going to be and I can tell you that you will find reserves of love and energy and patience that you never knew you had. But those are just words and the only thing that will make you believe it for yourself is when that little boy makes his arrival in October. And you will love it!!

p.s. I wanted a boy as my second one too, despite what people might think. Someone (who didn't have kids) actually asked me if I was mad that I had 2 boys instead of a boy and a girl and that when he got married and had kids he was definitely going to have one of each. Oh, silly, naive little man... you are freakin insane if you think you have any control over anything once you decide to have kids. lol

FishyGirl

Yeah, it's like that with all kids after the first. My poor last one never got any "positive attention" til the day before he was born. It'll be better than fine. Glorious, actually.

That's one cute orange baby George (incidentally, that's what my older son called the younger one when he was in utero and was so upset we weren't actually going to name him that - we have a last name that starts with J, so a first name that ended with a J sound just wasn't going to work, no matter how much the other kids loved Curious George). Anyway, enjoy loving on your pictures. Not enough good stuff involved in pregnancy sometimes, so revel in what you got.

christina

Thank you for saying what I have been feeling, off and on, throughout my entire (19 weeks tomorrow) pregnancy. Most people are too afraid to say this, but I really like my life the way it is right and even though I know that once the baby comes, I will love him more than I have ever loved anything and blah blah blah but - jeez-I really am gonna miss my privacy and silence and just sitting for 30 straight minutes. And then 5 minutes later, I can't to hold the little guy and smoooooosh!

Kimba

I'm three weeks behind you, and uh, totally on this train, and this is my first. So I'm like, all freaky about it. Like I should feel very maternal and all that crap, when really I'm freaking out about buying all this crap and then reminding myself that this crap is for a baby. That is coming soon. Holyfreakingcrap.

HeatherPride

You got it right - all of it. I felt the same way with my second pregnancy. Now I have a four month old baby girl I think I would die without. It's amazing how comfortable I am with two now, when before my oldest child was my end-all, be-all. And amazingly I'm learning how to function just fine on the 3 brain cells I have left from the constant sleep deprivation.

Nina

I know this is probably totally unhelpful, but I felt like being pregnant and having a toddler running around was so much worse than the actual taking care of two babies. After my body healed and the baby started having a one four to five hour block of sleep at night (so around 6 weeks-ish?), it was better. Because you are just SO TIRED when you're pregnant. And large. And caring for a toddler while you're that tired and that large is just freaking hard.

So hopefully it will be better? Somewhere near manageable? It's still hard, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

Lori

Amy,honey, my kids are now 19 and 15 and I STILL FEEL AMBIVALENT.
It's so hard when your heart is walking around outside your body (thank you for that genius insight, Anna Quindlen)--times TWO.
Thank you for voicing so poignantly and eloquently and pee-your-pants funnily what most of us feel.

Sadie

Oh Amy. I so admire you for writing this and being honest about your feelings. Thank you for being brave.
I fear having another baby for those very reasons so thanks for making me feel not so alone.

Starbuck

Let me start off by saying that I am not patient person. Or more accurately, was not a patient person. But somehow, as a mom, you learn to deal and cope and survive. And remember, even if Noah is running naked up and down the hall and you've had enough, TiVo will be in his crib, or swing or playpen while you chase. You'll be great at this, though you won't remember any of it. Trust me.

Arwen

Oh Amy, I love this post. I am pregnant with my own second child, and I've struggled with ambivalence from the beginning - our daughter was long-awaited and this one came quickly, and there is a part of me that feels I am not ready. And I've still got six months before he or she shows up! But in my moments of clarity I remember how incredibly Worth It this all is, and how the love I feel for that little one will overcome all else, just like it did the first time around. Thank you for writing about that reality.

Marie

I love hearing all your stuff as you careen about because I am feeling both the craving and the dread myself. I know I'll come up with some strength and patience but gah, it scares me. I already get annoyed with one of my cats who is such a whiny toddler. I'm getting early training for never peeing alone. Good thing they are so darn cute and squeezable!

Kimmers

This is such a great, honest post... I don't have kids yet but I do want them in the next 3 or 4 years. Where I am now, I worry about fitting ONE baby into our lives, so I can only imagine how overwhelming to think of adding two! I know you will handle it with aplomb as always, and I can't wait to see Orange Man once he's on the outside. :)

Jen

Was that a, *gasp*, Animaniacs reference? It's time for Aaaaanimaniacs, we are zany to the max something something rhymes with lax something else that rhymes with lax we're animaniaaaaacs!
And Ghost Baby will be a squeazable, huggable, snuggable Gerber baby before you know it! *Shrieeek!

jodifur

2 days before Michael was born I said, "I can't have a baby, I am a baby." I think these feelings are totally normal and of course, you expressed them so elequoently.

heather

Wow all that stuff about being spread thin is exactly what I'm feeling and going through right now. This post made me cry...although that could be the 4 week post partum horomones...

HMFT

How you're feeling? Right now.

Normal. Completely, utterly, 110%.

Colleen

you're right...totally worth it. Plus, in a year from now you'll wonder what happened to that little baby you had and how did you end up with some giggly, crawling, signing boy; and when did Noah get to be SO BIG and how you could never ever imagine that he could be such a wonderful, gentle, and LOVING big brother so devoted to his baby brother.

MamaCass

I also felt very unsettled while number two was getting ready to pop out. The fear of how to possibly spread that thin is overwhelming. I can say though, it just happens, and you are fine. The kids begin to entertain each other, which is totally delightful and amazing and incredible. The lack of sleep is easier because you know that at some time it will pass, unlike with the first when you think it will NEVER end. You just kind of get through it, and you have a toddler to listen to you complain if you need to. It's great. You'll love it.

bird

Little girls are great too.

Joanne

I had my second this year and it's just ... not too bad! There are some crazy days and nights but mostly it's fine. I think I thought I was going to have two newborns at once or something? But of course, I don't, I had a 2.5 year old and a newborn and it's been fine. You'll be fine. He's so cute!

KC

I'm embarrassed to admit I was disappointed to find out I was carrying a boy (asking ultrasound tech if she was sure it was a penis). But, now, OH MY GOD, boys are way too lovable. It's a full-blown love affair.

nonsoccermom

True true, so very true. Somehow it seems especially terrifying the second time around, I guess because you actually have an idea of what you are getting into. I went back and forth with those ambivalent feelings my entire second pregnancy. Funny, though, that second baby is just as much a part of my heart now as her brother. Good luck to you, Noah, Jason and the new little one. I know you can't wait to meet him.

Tam.

He's the cutest orange ghost fetus EVER! :)

Emily

Sigh.

YES. Just... yes.

kim at allconsuming

OH yes. Yes to it all.

But here's the absolute trip about it all.

You will do it. And you won't even think about the scale of it, it'll just be how it will be.

And that still weirds me out almost daily.

Becca

This is a beautiful, brutally honest post. Thank you for sharing the REAL side of motherhood, of pregnancy.
I had three miscarriages before my daughter. We tried for her for three years. She was so very wanted and loved.
But.
But. There were times, as the due date drew closer, as the feet crammed my lungs, as she grew closer to reality, that I panicked. Could I really do this? Were we really ready?
Well, the answer was, of course not! Nobody is ever really ready! Silly goose. But, of course, we love her. We CAN do it and we ARE doing it. We make mistakes, of course, and lose our patience, but we give our girl nothing but love.
I don't have a second yet, but my good friend just had similar feelings before the birth of her second. The little girl was born last week, and guess what? They weren't READY, but those thoughts have disappeared. It is hard, but it is wonderful. And it will be at your house, too.

I'm so glad someone is brave enough to tell about the less-glamorous parts of pregnancy that I think EVERY woman feels at least once, but not all talk about.

Nottoworry

When I was pregnant with my 2nd, my favorite time of day was getting out of the shower in the morning and taking a nap while my 3 year old finished watching his favorite video snuggled up next to me on my bed. Luxury! And the same voice you described would remind me to drink it in now because "It will never be this easy again..."

But it's not true! My 2 boys are now 9 and 13 and it is SO much easier than the constant physical needs of even one child, even when you add the job into the equation. Just remember: they will get less and less dependent. And you will get more and more independence! You WILL enjoy luxurious days ahead and no matter what, you have the luxury of time home with them now. Even on the most difficult night, I knew I didn't have to go to work in the morning. Not everyone gets that luxury...and those of us who do definitely have it easier. How do single, working moms do it? They are amazing women.

mojavi at Simple Things

58 days till c-section and I am totally 100% fing freaked out.. I made the mistake of reading a blog. I won't tell you which one but lets just say after I read it I pounded out some hard google juice and now I am wanting a vbac.. kinda... sorta.. i don't know I am just freaked out! Talk me down from the ledge someone PLEASE

My 3d is next week. FOr some reason I too was not real OMG I HAVE TO HAVE ONE NOW with this pregnancy. I wonder why?

Stephanie A.

My oldest will be 3 next month and I have a 4 month old. Yes, I am spread thin, but the best thing ever is when both of them are sitting on my lap.

You'll be spread thinner than ever, but it will all be *right*.

P.S. It also helps to start an "empty nest" vacation fund for a super wild adult-only trip somewhere far, far away the day the youngest goes to college. I think of that fund daily.

raehan

I felt that ambivalence during all three of my pregnancies, but each time soooooo worth it.

You won't regret it one bit.

I think "two of the same sex" siblings are great. My two oldest were girls. Loved having two of the same. Now I have a boy and am suddenly all over the boy thing, too.

Dawn B

I can tell ya this: things may be a bit chaotic in the beginning with having a newborn and noodley toddler (LOL!!) but trust me..a stranger.. that you WILL settle into a routine that fits your family. And that you WILL be so tired and your days will fly by so fast from sleep deprivation that before you know it, you're little newborn is sitting up. Playing. And then playing with Noah. It's amazing. I don't really know if I would even say things are more tough now with 2 under 3. This sounds so silly .. but if you can survive a pregnancy whilst taking care of an almost 3 year old (oh my gosh!!) then you can conquer anything!!!!!! Seriously. Mad props.

heather

Love this! (and ALL of your posts) My EDD is October 8th, and this baby (boy!) was sooooo wanted. But now that the day draws near, I find myself feeling some very-unexpected feelings of...WHY am I doing this? HOW will I do this? etc. But I know it will all be worth it, and more. As it will be for you, too. But thank you so much for your honesty!

Tonya

I have two boys, 7 months and 19 months. I was terrified the entire second pregnancy of how hard things would be. Honestly, the first three months were really hard, but now they are both on a schedule. I manage to get them both to nap at the same time once a day, so I can restore my sanity. My oldest son adjusted well to his new brother, and god does it melt my heart when he reaches out and gives his little brother a hug (even if he hugs him a little TOO tight). What I'm saying is, things will be hard, and you will be exhausted at times, but it will totally be worth it.

Cara

There are six years between my sister and I. Mom has told me that, when she was pregnant, she wondered how she could possibly love and center her world around another child the way she did me. And then my sister was born, and she couldn't imagine life without two.

7aki Fadi

I am having my second baby on Oct 6th and this post said exactly how I feel. Funny I am more scared about my second than I was about my first!

7aki Fadi

I am having my second baby on Oct 6th and this post said exactly how I feel. Funny I am more scared about my second than I was about my first!

lisa

I could have completely written this post. I have a 2 1/2 year old and am 32 weeks pregnant with my second and freaking out as the end gets closer. We went through IVF for both babies, this was a well-planned and much wanted baby. So much agony in the first trimester with wonky betas and waiting for ultrasounds. And now that the end is near I am scared, mourning my already limited free time, and dreading the sleepless nights and intensity of breast feeding.

On one hand I want this pregnancy to be over with already...the excitement and wonder of being pregnant is pretty much gone, maybe because I don't have endless hours to spend on the sofa anymore like the I did the first time. I also want to meet this little boy and fall in love and all of that good stuff.

You are not alone. And I am so glad to see I'm not either.

Michelle

You may have issues with this one poking himself in the eye a lot.

Mar

This is EXACTLY my experience with boy #2 (who IS a George). Ambivalence, dread, excitement, love, and the rest of it. G has been here now for nearly 8 months and it is even more wonderful than I could have hoped. Sure there are still tinges of dread that come when I think about having two boys who both walk/run, complain, eat/don't eat real food and generally have and express opinions, but I know there's enough in there that's SO GOOD that it will all work out. [although i have to tell you that the first two months, especially with c-section recovery, were REALLY hard. Really really hard. Doable, but TOUGH. You'll get through it though and all three of you will be so in love with this new person].

Bok

I feel the same way about having a girl, and I've never come across anyone else who shares these feelings. Now I don't feel so weird. I'm sure it would be lovely to have a girl when she arrived, but the thought of it: GAAAAH!

bessie.viola

Wow. I am all teared up over here, and this has completely answered the question my husband and I have been tossing around: More? Can we possibly do this more than once? Could we be that lucky?

The answer, I now know, is: Yes, absolutely yes, and oh I hope so - yes.

imagine1community

I have one child, conceived by surprise after ten years of trying, and those feelings of ambivalence are part of the reason we haven't adopted a second. (We went through adoptions proceedings once, but didn't end up with the baby, and those memories are another reason for not wanting to jump back into that particular pond. Not just the grief, but the time and cost and, well, invasiveness of the whole process.)

Robyn

Amen, sister. I have three kids now (ages 5, 4 and 3) and a fourth on the way, and I have to tell you, the transition from 1 child to 2 was by FAR the hardest. Even more difficult than 1 to 2 or 2 to 3 (get all that?). It's that feeling of devoting yourself entirely to the first little prince; I felt like I had completely ruined my son's life when I had a second, betrayed him somehow. I spent lots of time crying, even though I knew I LOVED LOVED my second son. It was crazy. But I tell you this: take it in little chunks. I told myself, I can make it to February. I chanted this DAILY (February was the 6-month mark). I made it. Now those two little dudes are best friends. Not like, buddies, but BEST OF FRIENDS BFFS SLEEP IN EACH OTHER'S FACES AND HOLD HANDS A LOT. It was so worth it, so much worth it. I've often wondered if we didn't have the first baby for ourselves and the second for him. No doubt there will be days that suck, but soon enough the new normal will feel like, oh hey, this is just normal now, and life will resume. Promise!

Robyn

Sorry, that really crazy second sentence should say "Even more difficult than 0 to 1 or 2 to 3" - proofread, GAH.

Marcoda

I just had my second baby a week and a half ago and you described all the feelings I had: guilt over possibly not liking this baby as much as I like my daughter and then guilt about not spending as much time with my first as I did before baby. I'm still adjusting but my concerns are going away. Other moms say it just works itself out and your heart grows to accommodate everyone. It's true. Plus Noah is going to DOTE over his little brother, I just know it. So that'll help too :)

lizinsumner

I think this one's gonna look more like Jason than you - don't you?? And, you HAVE picked out a name already, right? So, now that you've seen the face, does the name still fit?? Sorry, just being nosey.........

Wendy

I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Tripp, our 3rd. I already had a boy and a girl. Why the hell was I having another baby? Noah and Tessa demand so much attention, and they always wanted to be held and fed and played with!

But when I had Tripp I did things a little differently. I didn't pick him up every time he whimpered. And I made him sleep in the bassinet (or on the couch for naps before he could scoot). And it's sooo much easier now with him.

Of course, now he's crawling and things get a little crazy, but still...

http://notesfromthesleepdeprived.blogspot.com

silene

Oh, Amy...I know this feeling, of ambivalence. I felt ambivalent about my second pregnancy right up until the date of my C-section, I think. How could I possibly love a baby as much as I love Matthew? And how could I split love away from Matthew for a new baby? And how would I ever tolerate it...parenting a toddler is HARD, as you know, and now I was going to introduce a new baby AND sleep deprivation into the mix?

I didn't have a late ultrasound, so my moment didn't come until after Benjamin was born, and I fell in love with this tiny, sweet child. He's going to be a month old on Sunday, and you know...yes, it's hard. I feel really tired sometimes. But somehow...it's not harder than it was before. And now I love two kids more than anything in the world...there's enough. You probably know that already, but I'm just amazed. The human heart is an amazing, amazing thing.

Jen

And all it took was a picture. Isn't technology grand? Great post, Amy.

Alicia

that makes total sense!! its so scary going from one to two, although for me I am currently carrying my first (YAY FINALLY!!), so I do not know what it is like, but I know from all your other posts you are doing awesome with Noah and you will do awesome with Noah and the new baby, I know it! And you are so right, it is so worth it.

So excited for you!!

Chantale

I feel the same way about boy vs. girl. I have a little boy and was hoping for another. I just had a 3d u/s today at 26 weeks, and it's a GIRL. But now I am excited about the prospect of buying dresses with matching tights and the sort. Either boy or girl, I am very happy.

Becky

Long-time lurker, but I just had to comment on this post. Last year at this time I was eight months pregnant and having the EXACT same thoughts. I spent so much time worrying about how a new baby was going to fit into our family of three, and how I was never, ever going to have any free time again, etc.

Unlike you, I had a hard time keeping in mind all of the good things that were to come. And you know what? It was kind hard getting back into the routine of having a baby, and there was definitely an adjustment period for all of us, but all of that was far less important than the overwhelming love I felt for my new baby and the joy that she brought into our lives.

Now, almost a year later, I cannot imagine life any different than how it is now. That's what everyone told me when I was pregnant, but it was hard to really "get it" until I experienced it myself.

Becky

Long-time lurker, but I just had to comment on this post. Last year at this time I was eight months pregnant and having the EXACT same thoughts. I spent so much time worrying about how a new baby was going to fit into our family of three, and how I was never, ever going to have any free time again, etc.

Unlike you, I had a hard time keeping in mind all of the good things that were to come. And you know what? It was kind hard getting back into the routine of having a baby, and there was definitely an adjustment period for all of us, but all of that was far less important than the overwhelming love I felt for my new baby and the joy that she brought into our lives.

Now, almost a year later, I cannot imagine life any different than how it is now. That's what everyone told me when I was pregnant, but it was hard to really "get it" until I experienced it myself.

Jae

I'm so glad to come here and to get a dose of real. So often, it seems, mothers are told to buck up and get over it. It's so nice to hear someone else be terrified and feel some dread when it comes to having kids.

Our first one is coming late December/early January and I've felt rather alone when it comes to talking about some of the less than motherly feelings I've had regarding it all. It's so nice to know I'm not alone. I thought there was something wrong with me. I always felt like I had to put on a smiling face because I was finally pregnant after all the trying.

So, thank you.

Kia

Aw, I think that everything you're feeling is completely normal. If all women were honest, I think you'd find that a LOT of us feel that way at some point during our pgcy's and even when the baby is here, they gasp at what they've done. Your honesty is refreshing!

I'm sure you'll find a way to make everything work. Besides, what choice do you have? ;)

Amanda

I felt the exact same way when my #2 was cooking in my belly.

It's funny how it just works out...not to say it was easy. NOT AT ALL, but it works out.

The first year was the hardest, and now that my two girls actually play together (and I don't have to be Mama the Entertainer all the time) I've really found myself enjoying them both.

When the universe aligns, and they nap at the same time, it's magical.

Ivie

Ha ha! Even if the baby isn't going to be a George, that's my fav Looney Tune line!

You have a way of putting what we've all thought into words and making it sound less horrible than it seems in the isolation of our own minds. Thank you for that. My kids are 11 and 14 now. I wouldn't trade 'em for the world, but there are other days when the words "empty nest" sound wonderful.

When the baby comes it'll just be a different routine, but this time you'll know a little more and be a little more confident. I'm sure you'll do fine. :)

Andrea

I know if it was my own orange ghost-fetus I'd think it was cute, but for now it just scares me. I promise I won't feel similarly about real pictures of babeleh outside of the womb, even if he's jaundiced or otherwise orange-y.

b

This is how I feel about my 4th. Thank you for this post.

Issa

I won't tell you my story about my second coming out not a boy....at least not in detail. If it happens, which I seriously doubt, it will be okay.

Now the anxiety and praying to the baby goddess or whatever that this baby makes it....completely understand that. Until a few weeks ago, I thought that I felt nothing for this boy inside me. Which was a total defense mechanism that didn't work. But somehow now (35 weeks)it seems like it just sped up. Like now that I'm okay with it, it's time or something. We didn't' do the 3D pic thing, but I swoon at every little onesie and baby sock and little teeny hat.

Heidi

it goes by SO fast.

mine are just 2.5 yo and 6 months and even at so young, those tiny baby days are already done.

with baby #2, i didn't mind the middle of the night feedings or the barf in the hair (well, didn't mind them too much!), my life was already so crazy with one kid, it couldn't get much crazier.

yes, i do love getting to spend time with each of them alone. and yes, there are times when everyone is crying. but there are also times (like naptime today!) when both are sleeping at the same time. and that? is bliss.

Kristen

I'm waiting for my 2nd baby to arrive. 2 weeks til due date but am ready for it now! Still, I have these little doubts that creep in... will I love her like I love my first? Am I ruining my older daughter's life?? Can I handle this? The anxiety is ridiculous. I know it'll be "worth it" as you say, but sometimes feels a little hard to believe. Thanks for your great post... love reading everything you write. Your ghost baby is very, very cute.

Tirzah

Aww, what a sweet little face. You'll have days where you feel spread thin, but you'll also have days when you feel like you can conquer the world with your little guys by your side. It's always going to be worth it!

baltimoregal

Comment for no good reason- I think that you should call him peanut, like circus peanut, because that is kind of his color right now.

MKH

With all the baby things, you might be interested?
The Adiri Natural Nurser Baby Bottle - 100% BPA Free
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Fran

Hey, that "please gawd not a girl thing". Can you talk more about that sometime? Can we comment-aram about that puleeze? Totally with you - still glad every dang day, totally thrilled still with the almost 3-yr-old at home constantly grabbing his junk.

But why oh why is that??? (not the grabbing his junk part, the glad about it part.)

Oh, and thank you for all your gorgeous writing work.

AuntMarvel

I found out I was pregnant a year ago with baby #4. Keep in mind, I already had a 16, 14 and 12 year old.

OOPS.

Anywho, I desperately wanted a boy. The ultrasound said "Girl!" so I had an amnio to make sure.

I was upset for a long time. I even told people I was going to name her CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT (in all caps, even).

She's now nearly 5 months old and completely perfect. We named her Bonnie and I wouldn't trade her for all the boys in the world.

Not that you needed to be told that, as it's sort of a logical conclusion, right?

BOSSY

Kissable cheeks is right.

Missie

When I saw the picture of Storchalah 2008 Edition, I thought of:

" I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy!"

Clearly I am the mother of a toddler.

earlyduckie

Amen to all of what you said... BUT you will be ok. I was feeling the same as you but somehow it works out. I am still not sure how but it does. I am still trying to figure things out 5 1/2 months after the Princess has arrived. Just try to relax (sorry - assvice)and enjoy your time with Noah.

Kirsty

THANK GOD you said this because I'm sick of feeling like such an asshole. I'm so lucky to be expecting my second and wanted it so badly until it happened and then the dread set in. But like you I'm also deeply in love with baby-in-waiting and can't wait to see it and hold it... except that I CAN wait and I need a nap.

ali

of course, there will be tired and annoying and shitty moments. but in the end, it's SOOOOO very worth it!

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