Probably Not One For the Baby Book
Um. Never Mind.

Possibly the Most Foul-Mouthed Entry I've Ever Published & That's Fucking Saying Something

Oh my God.

Oh my FUCKING God.

No, seriously. Sit down. Are you sitting? I have to tell you something. I will probably sputter and swear and knock over your coffee. Then I'm going to need you to stand up and shake me. Or slap me across the face.

So I had an OB appointment this morning. Not with my regular OB, but the new doctor he just brought on as a partner -- you know, just in case I go into labor before my SCHEDULED C-SECTION and my doctor isn't available. I liked her! A lot! She took her time, asked a lot of questions, let me listen to the heartbeat for longer than usual and determined that the baby is indeed head-down (yay!), biggish but not 10 pounds biggish (yay-ish?), and my cervix is still closed (boo!).

She asked if I had any questions, and at first I was all, noooo, and then I was all, oh yeah! About that SCHEDULED C-SECTION? On the 15th? Less than two weeks from now? Uh...what time am I supposed to show up for that, and stuff?

The nurse looked at me kind of strangely. "Didn't <Office Manager Person> call you about all that yet?"

Uh...no! Should she have?

Okay. So...here's the thing about SCHEDULED C-SECTIONS. They do not, apparently schedule their own damn selves. At some point in the scheduling process, SOMEONE needs to call the hospital and like, actually fucking schedule the fucking c-section.

Mine was not scheduled. There's a nice little note on my chart stating that yes, I am to have a scheduled repeat c-section on October 15th and...that's it.

And then!

Then!

At this point, I do not really KNOW that my surgery was never scheduled. I put my pants on and go out to the waiting room, hoping that the forgotten phone was just the one to ME, not the one to the HOSPITAL, I mean, COME ON. I adore my OB and have put up with a LOT of disorganization from his office staff over the YEARS AND YEARS I have been a patient, but...seriously. No way. Somebody fucking called the hospital. I'm sure they did.

But then the nurse is there with a prenatal vitamin branded pen and a pad of IUD branded post-it notes, asking me for the best number to reach me at and...WAIT FOR IT...whether or not I felt "strongly" about my regular doctor being the one performing the surgery or would I be okay with the other doctor -- WHO I JUST MET FIVE MINUTES BEFORE FOR THE FIRST TIME -- because that would just like, make this sooooo much easier for them, you know?

I just stared at her. And stammered. Because...wait. BACK THE FUCK UP.

"It was never scheduled." I said. Just to make that clear, since she seemed like she kind of wanted to skip over that part.

"No." she said.

I waited for an apology. She asked me again how strong my preference for my own doctor was. I became vaguely aware of brain fluid leaking out of my ears.

After I stated that yeah, uh, I wanted my own damn doctor, full stop, she smiled and said she'd go ahead and tell <Office Manager Person> that I needed to be scheduled with my own damn doctor. Like she was doing me a favor. You know, because I'm 38 weeks pregnant and clearly a little wrapped up in SILLY INSIGNIFICANT DETAILS, like actually caring about who performs major abdominal surgery on me and delivers my child.

My doctor is, surprise surprise, overbooked. The hospital is likely booked at this point as well. I am waiting for them to call me and let me know what they've been able to work out. I am to call them if I don't hear anything by 3:30 this afternoon, which...DUDE. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ME DO THAT. YOU WOULD BE WISE TO CALL ME OF YOUR OWN ACCORD.

I am also mentally apologizing to Katherine Heigl's character in Knocked Up, because I called her a bitch prima donna for getting so worked up about her doctor being out of town when she went into labor, like whatever. God. Also fuming. And pacing. Also composing an email to my doctor about what happened this morning, which is not going well. Wording suggestions would be welcome, since I have lost the ability to form coherant sentences without a lot of FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK CAPS LOCK GAH SMASH and the like.

*glares angrily at phone*

I realize, of course, that this is not the end of the world or anything. It could all still work out fine, with my doctor, hospital and date of choice all being available after all. There was always the chance of going into labor on my own and ending up with a different doctor, of being rushed into surgery instead of a calm, scheduled appointment, of booking across town in the middle of the night to drop Noah off with friends instead of having grandparents already here and in place and ready to go. If I'd met today's doctor a few months ago instead of a FEW HOURS, I'd probably be just fine with her performing the surgery. I could go into labor tomorrow (FAT FUCKING CHANCE THOUGH) and push the kid out just fine (PFFT) and laugh heartily at this whole fiasco because babies! They do like to fuck with you, don't they?

And yet...

WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is a fucking heap of bullshit, and it's making me stabby.   

Comments

Jenn

Sweet funky Jesus. Don't they know better than to mess with the 38-week pregnant woman?

Bikini

Girl, I empathize! You have every right to be aggravated.

My OB had scheduled my c-section but I went into labor 3 weeks early and ended up being delivered by another doctor in my practice that had cracked "barefoot and pregnant" jokes while I was in the stirrups for the one appointment I had with him in my 3rd trimester. I was so not happy about having him, but in the end, my daughter and I were fine and I never had to see him again.

I hope you get it worked out okay.

Jessie

Dude! Suuucks!

I can't believe they didn't apologize at all. That might have made me the most mad out of everything. But, I completely understand where you're coming from. In those last few weeks everything seems big because it is big, and you just want everything to go smoothly because it is such a Big Deal.

Here's hoping they call you. Soon.

Melanie

Oh, no, oh my god. Right there with you on the 'what the fuck' part. I could rant and rave, but that wouldn't help you. So I'll just say, "Dude, that sucks, I'm so sorry this is happening to you."
Keeping my fingers crossed at this end that everything works out better from here.

jive turkey

DUDE. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK?! Oh, I cannot HANDLE incompetency at the doctor's office (and I have had my share). Please fully prepare yourself NOT to receive a call from these ass monkeys. Also, alert your insurance provider to these shenanigans (and if there are any more shenanigans). I did that once (spoke to a patient rep at the insurance company), thinking they'd just listen to me rant, but no - they actually called the doctor's office and got on their asses about being such disorganized DICKS. I got a personal apology from the doctor and the staff. I mean, they are fucking around with your healthcare, not accidentally overcharging you for lettuce. When they fuck up in their jobs, it affects your life, and they should at least say they're sorry.

AAAH! I'm so angry for you. I know it will all work out fine, though - I just hope you get the apology you deserve.

Jean

I want to slap your doctor's office for their utter incompetence. WTF???

Take a deep breath and try to be calm. Make Jason bring you something yummy to eat, snug with Noah and put your feet up. It will all work out ok.

(but I still want to smack them for you)

Patti B.

Ooooh hell to the effffing NO! You go girl - here's hoping this whole thing does not send you into labor TOday. AHHH! One way or another baby brother will be arriving and I am hoping all is calm and all is bright and WOW they sure messed that up for you! Hang in there sister.

andrea

Fuckity fuck. I can't believe they did this to you. You deserve a huge apology and an immediate rescheduling, with your OB, on or as close to your date as possible. I would be livid, I am livid and now want to call and make sure my induction has been scheduled and not just written on a post it note.

Liz

wow. that's horrible. like inexcusably horrible.

also, everyone is upset about their doctor being the one to deliver them. My mother actually had me early in part because her doctor was going on vacation (there were also those nagging failure to thrive issues, but she decided the exact day(s) for me based on him delivering the damn baby before his vacation - I was born just before memorial day weekend).

blissfully caffeinated

Wow. Can't pull that kind of s**t on a 38 week pregnant woman. That's infuriating.

But, it will probably all work out. They day I had my last baby my induction turned into a semi-emergency c-section and the hospital did over 20 c-sections that day. They fit us all in. Also, you're being scheduled during the week so it's not like your doc has an excuse to get out of it. If it was midnight or the weekend he may not be on call and that would be different.

They should have effing apologized though. That's so rude and thoughtless. I'll keep a good thought for you.

De in D.C.

That is entirely unprofessional AND UNACCEPTABLE that the office would 'forget' to schedule major surgery for a patient.

When my son was born, I was covered by a large HMO that rhymes with 'miser.' The doctors rotated who was on-call at the hospital from 4 different facilities. There was a shift change right before I was ready to push, so I met the doctor that delivered my son about 15mins before he was born. She was totally incommunicato during the process, and didn't even casually let me know that she was giving me an episiotomy (I had to ASK MY HUSBAND if it had happened after the fact!!!!!).

But you know what? I had a healthy little boy at the end of the day and pregnancy memory fades after a few months any. This is all to say that, if you do end up with someone other than your regular doctor, it isn't the end of the world and you'll still have little Tivo safely in your arms :) And hey, at least you met this new doctor before you were 10cm.

Elizabeth

You're a better person than me. I'd still be standing there waiting for an apology.

Khadra

My son was born Oct15th 2007.

He was scheduled to be born via C section October 11th. My husband booked off work around this date.

October 11th came. We were on our way out the door. Please note I have three other children, so I am about to take them to a baby sitter and uproot everyone's lives for the next three to four days.

As Im leaving the hospital calls to tell me that they are over booked. OVERBOOKED?! IM BOOKED! HOW CAN YOU BE OVER BOOKED!

I spent the day on the phone arguing with a very frazzled nurse and receptionist only to have to wait three more days.

Really that doesnt seem like much, but at the end of a pregnancy, after you were within two hours of being delivered, it is a BIG deal.

Im feeling your pain!!

Lauren

I would be so beyond PISSED at this point. This is their JOB; they cannot just leave you out in the cold and then be all, "Meh. Why do you care? It's not like it affects you, it's the doctor we're worried about."

ARGH.

Sheenah

I would get stabby too. I can't believe the nurse did not apologize for such a huge oversight. I would have been mortified if I was her. If they don't call you soon, raise some hell. Raise it anyways, just so you feel better about their idiocy.

Keetha

If everyone anyone had reason to have a tantrum, oh, honey, this is it.

You know, last November, when I took a day off work and drove an hour and a half to my gynecologist for annual checkup to get there and find they had, guess what?, rescheduled and no one had bothered to call and tell me? I thought that was bad.

Keep us posted.

zeghsy

what part of 'do not piss of the pregnant lady' do they not know? really? coz that's just not cool. however, darlin' you're more than slightly pregnant. how about all of us fume and spit venom and you sit serenely and sip some tea while noah plays quietly with his books?

hahahahaha... i made myself laugh so hard i fell off my chair. :D

Kristin

This is definitely worthy of a fuckity fuck fuck...and I think seeing that in an email might just make your OB's office realize how royally pissed off you are (justifiably so).

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