Let Your Guilt Flag Fly
November 21, 2008
Oh my God, yesterday's post. I'm sorry. I fully own up to the fact that the last paragraph in particular got COMPLETELY away from me, with the dramatics and the...well, the dramatics. I went out to lunch with my nursing bra unhooked and I posted on my blog with my mommy guilt showing. Same diff. Kind of. Look, I plead sleep deprivation, both for the entry and that metaphor there.
So I was rehashing the entry a few hours later while nursing the baby (That's what I do while I breastfeed. I think about my blog. And drool. And hallucinate that I'm awake, lying in bed and breastfeeding, only I'm kind of asleep? Because I don't think there's a swimming pool in my bedroom?), and I blearily did the math that November minus June equals...five months. Five months without speech or occupational therapy. Even in the accelerated life of a toddler, five months is not (NEWSFLASH) really that long, or (NEWSFUCKINGFLASH) the end of the world.
So now I'm embarrassed about the whole "I LET MY CHILD DOWWWWN! I FAAAAAAIL!" tone I veered into, but grateful for all your lovely and reassuring comments, and sorry that I made y'all feel like I needed (or was fishing for) that reassurance, when really what I needed was:
1) a nap
2) a nice hard slap
3) some quiet meditative time of private and offline self-reflection
4) a fucking lot of wine.
Guess which one I actually got? Guess! Do you think the Internets will line up so readily to reassure me that I'm a good mother when I confess that HELL YES, I left both my children with a babysitter last night and went out a'drinking with my husband?
MAD COPING SKILLZ, I tell ya.
(And dudes, I'm totally doing it again tonight. Oyster Riot! Causing Amy To Abandon Her Five-Week-Old Babies Since 2005.)
(And semi-relatedly, if you are a breastfeeding mother who enjoys the occasional moonshine, these flat out rule.)
One thing I have absolutely NOT done is...well. Anything ABOUT any of it. No phone calls, no consulting of our insurance, no contacting anyone for audiologist recommendations or further researching our school district's policies for evaluations or anything like that. I am waiting until Monday. I can never seem to get stuff like that done on Friday. It feels wrong and pointless, like how I never started new projects at my old job on Friday either. Or...after 4 pm on any other day of the week. You know, lest I mess up the amazing MOMENTUM I set in motion by...dialing the damn phone. On a Friday.
Wow. That sounded a lot more endearing and charmingly quirky in my head. Now I just sound lazy and possibly insane and like I should retroactively be fired from that job.
Ahem! So, in summary. This was me yesterday:
Then I had some wine:
And then I calmed down and decided that everything was okay after all, oh who am I kidding, I'm totally just posting this next photo because OH MY GOD LOOK AT TEH TEN POUND CHUBBY CHUBKIN CHEEKS NOM NOM: