Oh, just...BAH
Of Sleep & Germs & Filler

Let Your Guilt Flag Fly

Oh my God, yesterday's post. I'm sorry. I fully own up to the fact that the last paragraph in particular got COMPLETELY away from me, with the dramatics and the...well, the dramatics. I went out to lunch with my nursing bra unhooked and I posted on my blog with my mommy guilt showing. Same diff. Kind of. Look, I plead sleep deprivation, both for the entry and that metaphor there.

So I was rehashing the entry a few hours later while nursing the baby (That's what I do while I breastfeed. I think about my blog. And drool. And hallucinate that I'm awake, lying in bed and breastfeeding, only I'm kind of asleep? Because I don't think there's a swimming pool in my bedroom?), and I blearily did the math that November minus June equals...five months. Five months without speech or occupational therapy. Even in the accelerated life of a toddler, five months is not (NEWSFLASH) really that long, or (NEWSFUCKINGFLASH) the end of the world.

So now I'm embarrassed about the whole "I LET MY CHILD DOWWWWN! I FAAAAAAIL!" tone I veered into, but grateful for all your lovely and reassuring comments, and sorry that I made y'all feel like I needed (or was fishing for) that reassurance, when really what I needed was:

1) a nap
2) a nice hard slap
3) some quiet meditative time of private and offline self-reflection
4) a fucking lot of wine.

Guess which one I actually got? Guess! Do you think the Internets will line up so readily to reassure me that I'm a good mother when I confess that HELL YES, I left both my children with a babysitter last night and went out a'drinking with my husband?

MAD COPING SKILLZ, I tell ya.

(And dudes, I'm totally doing it again tonight. Oyster Riot! Causing Amy To Abandon Her Five-Week-Old Babies Since 2005.)

(And semi-relatedly, if you are a breastfeeding mother who enjoys the occasional moonshine, these flat out rule.)

One thing I have absolutely NOT done is...well. Anything ABOUT any of it. No phone calls, no consulting of our insurance, no contacting anyone for audiologist recommendations or further researching our school district's policies for evaluations or anything like that. I am waiting until Monday. I can never seem to get stuff like that done on Friday. It feels wrong and pointless, like how I never started new projects at my old job on Friday either. Or...after 4 pm on any other day of the week. You know, lest I mess up the amazing MOMENTUM I set in motion by...dialing the damn phone. On a Friday.

Wow. That sounded a lot more endearing and charmingly quirky in my head. Now I just sound lazy and possibly insane and like I should retroactively be fired from that job.

Ahem! So, in summary. This was me yesterday:

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Then I had some wine:

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And then I calmed down and decided that everything was okay after all, oh who am I kidding, I'm totally just posting this next photo because OH MY GOD LOOK AT TEH TEN POUND CHUBBY CHUBKIN CHEEKS NOM NOM:

IMG_0676

Comments

Beeeee

You are so allowed to have those moments - don't beat yourself up over it! You're worried about your son, no one should give you a hard time over that.
Enjoy your weekend and drink your wine :) Everything can be taken care of on Monday!

Angela

He's so cute! You hear this all the time I'm sure, but he looks so much like you (and Noah of course).

Agreed on the 5 months not long. And glad you went out and got the wine, although man, a nap would have ROCKED!

Loril

No matter what the reason, we all get there at times..glad to see you had some alcohol to get everything back on track! It always seems to work for me!! Have FUN tonight!!! :)

andrea C.

for the record didn't feel like you fished, just thought you were an overwhelmed mom who needed an internet hug. I read your blog and so often wish my mom had had such a great outlet when she was home alone with 2 teenagers and 2 tolders one of them being austic. Be dramatic if you want, personally i find it super theraputic.

also, super jealous about the oysters, i've been craving them mucho. 1st time in a long time i won't be in DC for t-day and my fam does it old school tidewater with ham & oysters no turkey...

Sprite's Keeper

Apology accepted. Cheeks chomped on. Moving on!

Darcey

You are completely justified in freaking out and then running to the internets and then feeling guilty and drinking lots of wine. I would've added a shot or two of tequila, just for good measure.

You know why you're allowed to freak out? THESE ARE YOUR BABIES.

And I wholly agree with you on not starting projects after 4pm and/or on Fridays. I'm blaming my laziness today on the tryptophan from our office Thanksgiving potluck.

By the way? Ezra looks so much like you - its awesome!

@tiffany

What's that? A mom dealing with a toddler and a newborn and sleep deprivation and sensory processing issues might be a A LITTLE WORKED UP ABOUT IT? I think you're entitled to your basket case moments.

Monica

Part of what drew me to THIS blog and reading blogs in general are posts like yesterday. I found your blog when I was a new mom of an infant. That infant is now 16 months old and I'm 6mo. preggo w/#2 so I'm loving reading how you're doing. I like that you are real...that you type now and reflect later. I remember those posts when I'm freaking out about one thing or another....before I come back down to earth and realize everything will be okay. Because sometimes it's hard to remember that and it is good to know that someone I think is fun and cool and that I would totally be friends with if she were in my real-life world goes through those same feelings sometimes. Thanks for giving so much to us!

Florencia

I thought you were 100% entitled to your freak-out. I would have felt the same way. Don't be so hard on yourself, woman!

Alicia

I think the moment of panic and shock from yesterday was totally justified!!! so don't feel bad about it, really!!

And have sooo much fun tonight! and wow got to get me some of those stick!! brillant :)

Beth

It's much better to fail at perspective than at parenting because there IS that handy cure of wine available at your local liquor, grocery or package store. (Except for on Sunday in some states, which is just WRONG.)

Kyla

KayTar was without services for 3 months this summer (when she lost her insurance) and it seemed like forever...but in reality, it wasn't and she ended up making good progress over the summer and being a totally different kid once services resumed. So what I'm saying is, no biggie. You know now, you're going to get him back in to services, and there's no love lost. You guys can do this.

Maria

I can totally sympathize with all of this.

And I'm really glad you got out.

(I drank while nursing the Chipmunk for 15 months. People got so judgmental/surprised about it. There seems to be a lack of information regarding how the alcohol doesn't stay in your boobs permanently.)

Oysters!!!!!!! GUH.

Kailee

RE: The last photo

I Are Serious Baby.

Internet Is Serious Biznus.

I Are Adorable Too.

kim at allconsuming

OMG - that paragraph about not starting anything on a Friday or after 4pm?

Clearly separated at birth.

Gracie

But, the dramatics, isn't that what the internets (and blogs in particular)are for??? Or did I miss something? LOL
I'm glad that you are able to reflect today and realize that have not failed Noah in any way, shape or form. I wish that I'd been able to do that with my oldest's being dx'd with Asperger's. Between the dx, reading about IDEA and evaluations by the school district and IEP meetings and accomodations etc etc....I managed not to reflect, but rather pluge headfirst into anxiety and panic attacks because I was afraid I was going to fail my son if I didn't get everything perfectly right the first go-round.
Reality check? That's not how it works....you totally get do-overs. Probably more than once (thank god or I'd be a total basketcase by now, not just a partial one).
You're right, 5 months is not all that long....between dx and evals/therapy/IEP for my 10 yr old was approx. 8 months. And, he's doing really good now.
You haven't failed.....you love, you can't fail at that.

Missie

If you cannot let your freak, er I mean, guilt flag fly on your own blog with fortyseventyjillion of your closest internet friends, then I don't know where ya can.

Heather Ann

Amy, yeah, you seem like a normal person because you can freak out on here one day and come back the next after reflecting with a whole new take on it - just like people in real life do. I like that your posts are funny and thoughtful and flow like a story - but can let it all hang out and not sound like a magazine article preaching at me. Good luck with the challenges. Give it a few more weeks/month or two before you really expect yourself to have figured out the two thing. And for the record, everybody does the boner diaper-bag/snack thing. I like your milk-dumping consistency and I gotta confess I think those buggers deserve sour milk smell from their carpet after making you wait so they dont' have to wait. The nerve!

G-mom

Does Ezra have dimples on the knees/elbows to go with those cheeks! Dimply babies are the best. I totally think Noah is a handsome young man whose mommy truly adores him! You doin' good. But have to admit shit runny diapers, appts, starving to death AND breastfeeding! OMG I'm 51 and boy did that bring back memories! I love bein' a grandma!

LM

Hey Amy-

Unsolicited advice is always wanted, right? I have written this and erased 10 times, but I really wanted to suggest that you take Noah to a pediatric audiologist. It can make all the difference. They are trained to work with children, and understand how to motivate kiddos that do not want to participate.

I am in grad school for audiology and work at an interdisciplinary site, many disciplines (including audiology, speech/language, psychology, OT, PT, nutrition, vision, etc.) each see the same child and come together to go over results and give recommendations, that tests all kinds of children. Almost half of the kids we see have sensory issues, and since that is normal for us, we have have a good idea of how to get what we need, and know how to make it as painless as possible for the child AND parent. I wish I could recommend a similar site in your area, but don't know of one.

I totally feel like I am butting in, and keep erasing all my "advice." Bottom line- it would definitely help to go to a pediatric audiologist. I don't want to offend anyone because there are wonderful audiologists that work with all ages, but typically it is better to have a specialist for any area, age included.

Hope this helps, even a little. If you can, please let us know how it goes and share results. I am just head-over-heals for your boys. They are so precious! Hope you have fun on your date night!

Lori

You effing go, girl.

Broad

Dude. Is this baby ALWAYS so chill!?? I seem to remember Noah being all "Whoa! What was that!??" but this guy's all, "Hey. Whut up. It's all good."

What great personality!

Amanda B.

I'm totally not going to go back and read the comments. I don't want to know if somebody was rude to you. You are entitled to feel that way. We ALL have momma guilt over something. The list is endless. I work with kids on their way to sp. ed., some just need a little help, some need full blown special ed. I'm thankful you care and are on top of it - most of my kids don't have mom's like you.

cartoongoddess

Doesn't sleep deprivation suck?

I vote "no" on the slap. Life is hard enough.

Kate

So, from this post I've gotten the best advice and product promotion to date...

I can't thank you enough for the milkscreen link!!!

I'm 5 months pregnant and have been craving my favorite wine since week 0 :) Only 4 months to go...I think I can make it...

Starbuck

That's okay. I totally just took first in the "Bad Parenting Olympics". In a fit of hunger, weariness and frustration I just gave my 9 year old four of her Christmas gifts and proceeded to make her feel guilty about it. And, lest my 6 year old begin weeping too about my lack of love for her, I gave her hers. Now the 9 year old has immense guilt and by 6 year old is just excited.

In summary, I single-handedly turned Christmas into Festivus. Maybe someone will beat me with the pole.

Mommy Joy

AWWW Sweet wonderful VINO! You can survive any stress with the right vintage. Even boxed wine has it's moments.

I've been reading your blog for a long time now but I've never commented on your site until now. After seeing your frustrations I felt you needed all the good thoughts you can get. You will survive this. Have faith in your strength. All your readers can see an abundance in you waiting to be tapped into.

Maria

Hey! Going out with your husband is the perfect way of dealing with everything! Good for you.

And wine most certainly helps too :-)

Martha

Wine....ahhhh! The reliever of all that ails us!

10 pound baby!?!?! Seriously??

I am so completely in AWE of your MAD BOOB SKILLS, woman!
All that weight in 5 weeks of totally boob milk!
You ROCK!!!
SO you are NOT a failure to your children.

Whining is allowed when you are a mother. No apology necessary!

Sarah

Hi Amy,

Oh, lady, I so wish I could slightly stalk you (not in a creepy way, read on!) at a grocery store so I could hug you and commiserate.

Things I've learned in the last 2 1/2 years:

A) This whole motherhood thing is fraught with guilt and coulda woulda shoulda, pull your hair out craziness. You wouldn't be human or a GOOD MOTHER if you felt another way.
B) It's your blog dude. You can cry if you want to.
C) Jack has apraxia but his speech improved dramatically after we got him some tubes, he was having chronic ear infections and sometimes we didn't even know about them. We discovered this after a visit to a pediatric audiologist.

If you do decide to go, make sure to have the ABR done (they may have to sedate Noah to do it) it will tell you if there was damage to his ear drums that they might have missed when he was born. It's not the kind of thing your doctor can see by looking in his ears.

Finally, and this is the god's honest truth. It's all going to be totally fine. Noah is wonderful, you're a fantastic advocate for him and you love your boys so wonderfully. You've let no one down, least of all your family.

Finally (x2), wine drinking is a very, very good thing. I do it all the time. Wine is awesome.

Katie Kat

Jason must be ecstatic because Ezra looks so much more like him! ALL your boys are adorable!

Glad you got a mental break and feel a bit better... now, back to MOAR DRINKING!!! :)

Katie Kat

**Just realized everyone else is saying Ezra looks just like you... Guess I'm in the minority!** (I'm used to that though)

erin

Just to pretty much reiterate what everyone else said: you are totally allowed to freak out. I think pretty much anyone in your situation would have. Also, can't forget that you are Mom but also still Amy. You need to do whatever helps you cope with the stress of raising children and just life in general (including getting it out on your blog). It will make you a better mother in the end. Best wishes.

Roary

Being a good mother consists entirely of knowing when you need to go out for wine!

(And, incidentally, Canada's leading breastfeeding doctor, known as Dr Latch, is a big advocate of boozing while feeding)

x

Amy M

First comment I've ever made here - couldn't resist telling you that I also do not do things on Fridays or after 4pm. I thought everyone was that way?

Tam.

Dang! Those Milkscreen things must be popular. I looked at the link and it said Only 5 Left--Order Soon! :)

Hmmph, somehow I don't remember those from my nursing days...

Glad you are feeling better. I know it sounds all too simple, but all will truly be okay... :)

Katie

I like reading your blog because you don't just post edited stories that you are sure won't offend your readers, you post what you are feeling. Isn't that the point? Anyway, like everyone else has said, you're a great mom, and have a fun date!

Courtney

Ha, I love those pictures, especially the after-wine one. Love.

And you're doing great.

Dana

What would motherhood be without the guilt? Other than blissful of course?

He's gorgeous. Love those chubby cheekers.

molly

Dude, you totally rock.
Seriously.

lisa

So what, you listened to the experts and your kid got a few months or a year or whatever off from early intervention classes.

Who's to say that the time off isn't as valuable as the time in? Everybody needs a break, change of scenery, and I'm kind of thinking that the past months of just regular kid experience has served him perfectly well.

I was a lackluster student at best, passing each grade "by the skin of my teeth" as they say, and I would have gone over the edge if it had not been for summer beak. Now I am the person everyone thinks (ha!) is so smart and successful (double HA!)

Just keep plugging along and remember - everybody is making it up as they go.

obabe

wait, seriously? you use those strips? i saw them at BRU and laughed. outloud. i just always went by: "do you feel buzzed? then pump n dump".
thanks for the mommy guilt, there.

i kid. ezra is almost as delicious as my aaron, born a month earlier ;)

Cat

You crack my shit up.

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