Robitussinville
NOT FUNNY, CONTINUED

NOT FUNNY

So I think I've officially lost my sense of humor about this whole House of Doom and Germs and Fluids Leaking From Everybody's Headholes thing. Perhaps I left it at the pediatrician's office this morning. Perhaps I'll call and see if anyone has noticed the smell of death coming from their Lost & Found.

Today's photo, if I chose to illustrate our plight, which I won't, because it's fucking disgusting, would feature the red oozing eyes of both Noah AND HIS MOTHER, who are sporting matching cases of pinkeye. Noah is also covered in a horrible itchy rash, which I initially brushed off as a run-of-the-mill viral rash, but now appears to be an allergic reaction to -- get this -- the Method Baby detergent I bought for Ezra's clothes.

We typically use the Seventh Generation Free & Clear detergent for Noah's clothes, and YES I KNOW, I don't need special baby detergent, but that Method stuff smells so damn good I was helpless to resist it. (Seriously. That shit will make you LACTATE, it's so baby-fresh-delicious.) But my mother-in-law took control of the laundry this week and actually did laundry so often that she was able to COMBINE Noah's and Ezra's clothing TOGETHER, in one load.

(I am baffled by this concept, since I generally wait until the hampers reach Everest levels before doing anything about it.)

(Another result of this extremely proactive approach to laundry is that we are out of hangers and drawer space EVERYWHERE, since we no longer have half of our wardrobes languishing around unwashed as a space buffer. Huh.) 

Who in the world is allergic to baby detergent? WHO? Noah, apparently. And now we have to rewash his entire closet since no one can remember what's been washed when and with what detergent, because surprise! No one can smell worth a damn, thanks to our colds.  And by "we" I actually do mean "me" because my in-laws caught some kind of stomach bug and are totally puking.

Let this be a lesson to everyone who might think about offering to come help us out with the baby or Noah or laundry or whatever: COMING TO OUR HOUSE WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

And if this weren't ENOUGH to make you grab your torches and pitchforks and circle our zip code while chanting UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!...after Noah got sent home from preschool because of the pinkeye (don't blame me -- I KNEW that kid had pinkeye yesterday but was completely shouted down by my husband and in-laws who INSISTED that it wasn't pinkeye and made the call this morning to send him to school while I was busy hooked up to the breastpump, pumping milk for a mythical "dinner outside of the house without children" that Jason and I have been trying and failing and canceling reservations all week for), I took him to the pediatrician and was informed that hey! This kid has a raging bitch of an ear infection.

I stared at the doctor dumbly, because...what? Seriously? THAT TOO NOW? He'd JUST BEEN to the doctor two weeks ago and was fine. (Please note that Jason will yell at me for not taking Noah to the doctor over coughs, contact rashes and mysterious fruit stickers on the wang, but thought I was being completely ridiculous today over goddamned PINKEYE.) And he's still sleeping...and not tugging on his ear...and sure, he's had a cold for two weeks but...oh.

"Noah, does your ear hurt?" I asked in surprise after the doctor delivered the news.

"Yeeeessss." he wailed, and covered his ear with his hands.

"Well!" I said. "I sure am awesome at this."

So. We have an ear infection, two cases of conjunctivitis (but only one prescription for eyedrops, because fuck. that. shit. directly.), a really gross-looking rash, four really tenacious colds and two grandparents bravely trying to insist that it's only food poisoning, not a stomach bug, they're fine, really really fine, we should totally go out for dinner tonight, REALLY, they'll stay here in the House of Murderous Microbes with the children, RUN AND SAVE YOURSELLLLLVES.

Oh, and somebody had diarrhea all over the basement steps. Usually I'd just assume it was one of the pets, but at this point, nothing would surprise me, and everybody remains a suspect. Expect a thorough investigation, just as soon as I'm brave enough to emerge from the little fort I've made out of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes and bottles of hand sanitizer.

UPDATE: Noah is not allergic to the baby detergent. The rash is because apparently my poor father-in-law got confused and thought the (oh, God) Clorox Disinfecting Wipes we keep in the bathroom were the (oh, God) baby wipes. And he'd been using them on poor Noah (oh, God) all week.

Comments

Aimee

wow! That's not very happy. I'm sending good health vibes (but from a distance)

fidget

the CDC should be cordoning off your house any minute now

Sprite's Keeper

You say you lost your humor. I say it's spreading. Funniest shit ever. Hope everyone feels better!

Her Bad Mother

You'll show me how to build that fort? PLZ???? Am trapped in my own shit'n'snot house. Feel your pain, friend. Feel your pain.

Beanery

Damn. That totally isn't funny at all. I'm sorry. I hope everyone gets better really soon cause that's kinda insane.

Stephanie

Ick. Ick, ick, ick.

Hey, if it makes you feel better, I once had an ear infection in both ears when I was EIGHTEEN and they never even hurt. I just had all kinds of other illnesses (sinus infection, throat infection, etc.), so the doctor happened to also check my ears. So perhaps Noah didn't notice his ears hurting through his other miserableness until the doctor told him.

Backpacking Dad

I'm not sure that you're clear on what "not" means. Because this was Shakespearean comedy.

;}

wordnerd

You know, you really stand the chance of alienating people when you brag about how wonderful your life is, Amy... ;)

Hey You

Would you think me totally gross if I told you to put breast milk on the pink eye? It totally works, and faster and cheaper than the Rx. Other than that, sorry. I had the same problem when The Son started being around other germy children on a daily basis.

Greg S

As annoyed as I am at my own three-weeks-tomorrow cold/rhinitis/whatever - I am so glad I am not at your house. What a confluence of illness!

On the bright side, with all that's been going badly around your house, you're due for some good, karmically-speaking, right? (Oh wait, unless... this is all just balancing the recent goodness that is Ezra...:-)

Jen

wow.

I have to say though, after reading this post, it seems like your sense of humor is doing just fine. Which is quite impressive!

GET WELL SOON!

Steph

and i quote "mysterious fruit stickers on the wang" um, yeah, i spit my meatloaf out at the computer screen. i'm sure my co-workers think i'm NOTHING BUT CLASS.

MLB

I'm really sorry. If it makes you feel any better, lots of people (my kids included) are allergic to various detergents (even the fancy baby ones) and I would not beat yourself up at all over the ear infection. If he's sleeping, not feverish, and wasn't complaining about it it can't have been that bad.

Oh, and breastmilk cures pinkeye if the baby happens to get it. I know it's gross but just squirt some in. Not kidding.

obabe

dude. we totally had that (minus the in laws) when my second was 2 weeks old. my older son (2 at the time) came down with croup, an ear infection, you name it, all in one week. i was at the ped's office THREE TIMES in one week. one of those? the two year old vomited ALL OVER the exam room. numerous times.

i can laugh now, it was three years ago.
i feel your pain. it will get better.

breastmilk solves all- get some in yours + noahs eyes, stat.

bessie.viola

OMG... Poor Storches, but man was this a hilarious presentation.

You rock, Amy!

April

Dude.

That is a black hole of suck. I'm sorry you're having such a crappy (yes, pun intended) day and I thank you for posting it to put everyone else's crappy day into perspective.

Because, wow. Dude.

Florencia

And here I am moaning because I am sooo nauseous because I got my period today. Yeah, I feel pretty stupid right now. You're my hero!

Must be Motherhood

...or tragedy since you may lose out on the dinner out! because my god the opportunities for those escapes do NOT come often when you have multiple rugrats!

shawna

That sucks. But hey, boob juice makes a great pinkeye cure, I swear by it. Squirt everyone in the face just for good measure and you'll all feel better. Or maybe it's just me who enjoys squirting helpless passersby... good luck with the whole getting better thing.

Anonymous New York

Oh. My. God. I'm almost fearful I'll catch something from your blog. Clearly your sense of humor is not lost, it is just in self-protection mode because this was BLOODY HYSTERICAL. Or should I say, SNOTTY, OOZY, WHEEZY HYSTERICAL.

Feel better. Don't slip in the Stairway to Hell. (whatelse could shit-covered-steps be called?)

Jay

Oh.

Dude.

Maybe I could mail you a care package?

Sophie,Inzaburbs

Eeek. I totally sympathise. While feeling happy that we all have cast iron constitutions here. Touching wood now. Please don't send anything our way! (Can you catch germs over the internet? I am starting to feel a little... ill).

Hope you are all over it soon. With luck, you have all had everything at once and can settle in afterwards for a happy and healthy winter.

Patti B.

That. Is sooo not funny. Poor Storches! Hope the weekend brings some sanity into your house!!

Hope

I know you said it's not funny, but... well... you kindof make it funny. I'm sorry to laugh at your plight, because it sounds all kinds of awful. But you did make me laugh.

I hope that your household feels better!

exile on mom street

That is just a black hole of sucktitude.

Maybe you should start feeding everyone breastmilk as well as squirting them in the face with it?

Marie

Sending you lot of good health karma STAT!
So sorry to hear of your collective misery. It'll improve, yes?

whoorl

Oh my LORD. You poor, poor thing.

(Also, DOWN WITH SICKNESS. We are in the throes of Double Ear Infection with a side of Mega Hellish Virus picked up from, of course, THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.)

(Did I mention it was my birthday yesterday? OH, THANK YOU FOR THIS LOVELY PRESENT. REALLY.)

Darcey

You poor, poor, things! I would totally offer to make my Grandma's penicillin (Dutch chicken noodle soup w/ meatballs), but I doubt I could rush it up to DC quickly enough.

Oh, and I totally have the same problem... too much clean laundry = no hangers/drawer space.

Sallyacious

Wow. I kept thinking you'd come to the end of the awfulness list, but no. There was always another paragraph. It sounds like your household (and guests) managed to contract the perfect storm of illness. I'm wondering at this point if your best option might not be to just burn the house down and move.

Maria

Good god. @_@

cursingmama

Situation - totally not funny. I too would be building a fort out of clorox wipes myself...(not surprising since it is coming from a woman so obsessed with germs she tries very hard to keep her dirty laundry in its own special loads so as not to mix with others germ laden items)

But - your story telling was Fantastically funny, so funny I have to sanitized the monitor and keyboard.

Devon

Hey, de-lurking to tell you that I am sending healthy thoughts your way. Good luck!

Joanne

I don't know if anyone said this but make a cup of tea and put the teabag on your eye and it will draw out the pinkeye. Swear.

I hope you all get better soon!

Tara

Just reading this makes my eyes itch a little. . .

You poor things. That is one deep pile of suckage you're wading through right now. Hope everyone's feeling MUCH better, very soon.

Sarah

I hope you feel better but honestly had was laughing so hard I was crying.

I too am battling a cold and praying the 6 month old doesn't get it.

Stacy

OMG! you may think you have lost your sense of humor, but this entry made me laugh so hard I have tears rolling down my face... especially the fruit sticker on the wong throw back - priceless!

Sonja

I'd be allergic to baby detergent, too. I once broke ou in hives because the person sitting in front of me at the opera was wearing lots of very strong perfume.

catherino

I had forgotten about the mysterious fruit sticker on the wang. I applaud your ability to make us laugh in the midst of such disgusting-ness :)

lizinsumner

Whoa. I'm SO staying away from the east coast! But, having said that, sure hope all are better soon......if not, you could always rent yourselves out (en masse) to a medical study.....

Heide

Hope it gets better soon!

Kristy

I refuse to breath near my children after reading this. And we are visiting MIL this weekend, too. ACK!!!

Allison

During Maggie's first year of daycare (hell year), she had about 80 thousand ear infections, most of which I also contracted. Every time my ears got infected, the germs or whatever traveled to my eyes and infected them too. It looked like pinkeye. But it was an ear infection. In my eye.

Monica

Sounds like fun over there. I think hosing everyone down with that pumped breast milk should help. I hear that stuff fixes everything.

Mary

I am one of those people who is allergic to baby laundry detergent. It's the fragrance in it. My mom actually had to use Ivory Soap flakes (NOT Ivory Snow detergent) since it was the only thing I could handle. We use the "free and clear" stuff here, because Tim is also sensitive to fragrances, and poor little J-man is sensitive to dyes AND fragrances... Sorry everyone is sick!

Tricina

Wow. And, um, wow. That sucks. I'm sorry. But, boy, that made good blogging.

Sabrina

Gross. But sad. And kind of cute. I hope everyone feels better soon:)

linsey

Ohhhhh I'm sorry you're ill but I don't think you've lost your sense of humour because this:

"Oh, and somebody had diarrhea all over the basement steps. Usually I'd just assume it was one of the pets, but at this point, nothing would surprise me, and everybody remains a suspect."

is the funniest description of a yucky situation I've heard. :) Hope you guys get well.

Sabrina

Gross. But sad. And kind of cute.
Hope everyone feels better soon:)

Kristin

Oh no...you poor, poor woman. What a miserable state of affairs for a house with a newborn in it. I hope y'all feel better really soon.

nonsoccermom

THAT SUCKS. And I hate to break it to you but now you will probably have pinkeye many, many more times. I get it ALL THE TIME from my little germ carriers. UGH. Anyway, I totally feel for you on that front because it blows. As for the rest of the illness, WOW. That is horrible! I hope everyone feels better very soon.

divrchk

Don't buy the Method shampoo for kids either. It left my daughter's hair so disgustingly greasy. I had to throw out the entire bottle.

Katie

I am now simultaneously grossed out and intrigued by squirting breast milk in eyeballs. It really works?! Weeeiiird.
Feel better soon, Doom House of Contagion.

Heather

We are having the EXACT same thing here--including vomiting grandparents--I think it's the preschool plague

Starbuck

If I were you I'd grab the baby and run for my life. Also, stickers on the wang? Way more deadly serious than pinkeye.

With all the laundry redo going on, now is the perfect time to ask for, nay demand, a front loading washer if you don't already have one. All Noah's clothes will fit in in one load. Seriously.

Hope

Hope you all feel better soon.

I was allergic to Dreft as a baby. Told I broke out in pimples all over my body, just in time for my baptism, which is why no close up pictures were taken - I was so hideous.

Rachel

For the record - I am deathly allergic to baby laundry detergent. And any thing reeking of being "high quality" and "pure". Only completely cheap and full of fillers stuff for me least the horrible itching return...

charlotte

Oh, you poor thing! It's amazing that you still have enough sanity left to write this post. I'd be a total basket case ...

Michelle

OMG.

So sorry.
Nothing worse than than a freakn' house full of sick people.
The flu, pink eye, a rash and puking - good times.

Jen L.

Am I the only one living to find out who had diarrhea all over the stairs!?!?

Also, have I missed something about fruit stickers on the wang? THAT is a story I need to hear!

Feel better, Storches. Your week has genuinely sucked.

jodifur

Um wow, your life really sucks right now.

But who is also allergic to baby laundry detergent? Michael. He had a rash his entire first year of life, and it took us that long to figure it out. Also allergic to, most soaps, and almost all sunscreen. Good times.

Lissa

Oh Amy, I needed that. We are all sick too, and my son has just been diagnosed with asthma and sounds like Darth Vader. And you just made me laugh and laugh. So thank you. I needed that. More than Puffs with lotion.

Alicia

WOW, sucky sucky deal. Sending some health vibes your way, and some health shock waves for your house! hope you all feel better soon.

Donna

I'm sorry but that last paragraph had me in stitches. Oh, I remember the days when everything would hit at once, it sucked. I think it's been a year since we had a multiple child sickness that was high caliber and kept us up all night. Puke fest Nov '07! I hope you all get well soon, very soon. I've had it bad in our house but never with in-laws!You win!

Paula

First, I'm super sorry you guys are all sick and not feeling well. And I hope that there is a weekend of healing miracles coming your way.

I gotta say, there's something about the in-laws both insisting they don't have stomach flu, and then the appearance of suspicious diarrhea all over the stairs that made me pause for just a slight snicker.

kim at allconsuming

When we had Felix, he was sick by the end of the first week of his life and Oscar had a run of ear infections over the next three months and the whole family battled various illnesses as well.

Helpful I know.

And just who has been rubbing their butt on everyone's pillow for you all to get pinkeye?

alison

Oh my God, stay away from the in-laws. Unless they ate something you didn't, they probably have the stomach flu and that's all you need at this point. Just follow them around with Lysol. :)

charmie

I feel I might be to blame for this. I come here every day and read your website, and I too have been suffering from mucus of the sinuses and horrible red and angry eye. I don't know how I passed it to all of you through the internet, but I will offer you my sincerest hopes that you get well soon, because I can sympathize with what a horrible bitch this cold thing is.

Madeline

POOR YOU! Very warm washcloths on the little sore ear, tea soaked cotton on the itchy eyes, dayquil and nyquil for the adults, and a BIG medicinal brandy for you. I am just sayin...
Feel better soon!

Wendy

Oh wow, thanks! I have been feeling like the worst. mom. ever. since I didn't take my 10 month old to the doctor for 2 weeks, thinking that her hacking cough was she just a cold or something teething-related, since she's been sleeping and eating fine, and never ran a fever. I took her yesterday, just because I was mildly concerned that it wasn't clearing up, and hey! Your kid is really sick! Albuterol in a nebulizer around the clock! I have spent the day feeling like a negligent mom, and I'm now feeling not so out of the ordinary.

Wendy

Yeah, I'm reviewing the comment AFTER I posted it, and I totally am NOT trying to insinuate that YOU are a negligent mom or anything... Just that you're in good company. Just wanted to make that clear. :)

Christine

I'd say I feel bad for you but I'm kinda numb from the lack of sleep I've been suffering for the past couple weeks, during which all 4 of us have come down with The Cold that Swallowed Canada. My eldest has something that is NOT (the doctor assures me) an ear infection, but that DOES cause her to wimper in pain as snot comes flowing out of her ear. The baby has a cough that wakes her up every 20 minutes, a stuffy nose that prevents her from sucking her thumb-thus getting back to sleep, goopy eyes and, just because she had it too easy- she's getting her first 2 molars. So, ya, kinda all fresh out of pity right now.

Nikki

There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. One day you will read back and laugh, and hopefully not delete anything. Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon!

mrsmouthy

...but it must give you some comfort that part of Noah's acting out the past couple weeks is curable with antibiotics and not a permanent personality change. Now go take some echinacea and you'll all be fine.

Megan

Oh, god -- I'm laughing so hard. And I'm so sorry for doing so! I hope things get better quick.

ChristieNY

Ick, feel better sweetie! :(

Colleen

I was very straight-faced until that last paragraph. I completely lost it, letting loose one of my especially crazy cackles, caused one of the dogs to bark and I swear I heard Cooper whine in protest over the monitor from the noise at this late hour.

I hope everyone feels better right away (esp. while you have extra hands there to allow a quick dinner out with Jason), and we've all been there where everyone in the house gets 4 or 5 of the latest en vogue viruses all at the same time, usually with mismatching symptoms.

You are so right about that Method baby detergent. It smells beyond baby-yummy good.

Motherhood Uncensored

Here's hoping it was the dog on the steps.

Drew and I had pink eye around his 4th week of life. It was just grand (and boy did I feel like mother of the year)...

Angela @ Breastfeeding 1-2-3

Just in case no one else mentioned it, I'll chime in that breast milk cures pinkeye! For your baby you can wash your hands and squirt right from the source, for you a clean glass will work. It clears up bacterial conjunctivitis quickly (a few drops 3-4 times per day until it clears up). If you don't see progress in a couple of hours then maybe it's not going to do it for you, but I have had so many women mention that it worked for them!

Courtney

Yikes! You guys need to get better, stat! Or at least one of you so the rest of you can be taken care of.

Whimsi

Dude.

mrs. q.

Eeeek. Gross. I can sympathize. We all have colds and upper-resp. infections; well, me and the two kiddoes. My husband keeps looking at us with doom. He said to me this morning, after hacking half a lung, "You sure can make a lot of mucous!" Positive thinking. If anyone needs some mucous, let me know.

Wait-- you have pinkeye. YOU WIN!!

And the grandparents sound outstanding. Other than my mom, who is healthy as an ox and swoops in at the first whimper, my husband's two sets of parents set up crime tape and safety cones outside out house and refuse to set near for fear we will infect them and ruin their dinner plans. Sigh...

By the way, ANY baby detergent is allergic if it smells good-- that's the stuff that itches. Method makes a free and clear that I've used on all of us for 4 years. Wonderful. The idea of doing separate loads of laundry makes my head hurt.

I'd sent some happy thoughts your way, but they'd probably have a virus or two attached...

Stacy

Icky. It sounds way below average over at your house. I hope that y'all are better soon.

Wicked Stepmom

Not going to read through the 80+ comments before me so I apologize ifI am stating what's already been stated but DUDE... YOU ARE LACTATING. Breast milk is LIQUID GOLD and the BEST cure for pink eye. I kid you not.

Get some eye droppers, or if you have good aim, just point and shoot right into yours and Noah's orbital sockets.

Lindsey

I am laughing hysterically and then I get to the Clorox wipes stuff and my God you could create better s*** than this! We have been home sick as dogs all week long and dying to get out too, but i must say you make my situation look like a breeze.

Judy

So, did you find out about the Clorox wipes before or after you re-washed every garment Noah owns?

Donna

Poor Noah. I read a similar story once except the woman thought the Clorox clean ups were Cottonelle wipes and used them on her private parts.

Jessica

My in-law's did the same thing to my now 3 1/2 year old when he was an infant - they are super obsessed w/neatness and used Wet Ones antibacterial wipes on the baby's face...until we saw it happen and suddenly understood why he was breaking out in a vicious rash all over his cheeks. Oddly enough, they didn't feel all that badly about it - just defensive when we corrected them...argh. Good luck with the plague that has descended upon you all - my fingers are crossed for recovery...although I agree that this was one of your funniest posts ever, but I don't wish continued illness just for the sake of post material!

Rachel

Clorox wipes. Oh. My. God.
Parents are moving-in in about a week (whenever the newborn arrives). Am SO giving my father a careful tour of the cleaning supplies, with emphasis on the NOT FOR USE ON HUMANS, ESPECIALLY YOUR GRANDCHILDREN category.

Poor Noah! And probably poor FIL, who [I trust] feels horribly guilty about this.

megan

Oh man... that update IS funny. Sorry, it is. And I bet the whole post will be funny to you in about... two months.

Diane

Oh, Amy. I am so so so so sorry. I hope you get that night out very soon!

EMily

Poor Noah's disinfected bum! I'll bet your FIL is feeling like crap about that one.

Hope you all get some good delivery pizza out there. Good luck!

Wacky Mommy

Dear God, please help Amy and Jason right now, God. They're good people, and they need some attention. And a break. Thank you, amen.

Yeah, you know it's bad when they're "trying to insist that it's only food poisoning..."

When things are so bad you're praying it's "only" food poisoning, then that is bad. You poor kids.

ps -- bleach wipes are from hell.

Beth

re: the update

OH MY GOD!!!!

Hang in there.

Karen

Oh GOD. The wipes. Your poor, clueless father in law. That's exactly something my father in law would have done. Poor Noah. Poor everyone.

Thea

LOL. Fruit stickers on the front and Clorox on the back. At least he is germ free back there!

Sarawarawoo

Awww poor Noah :-( I feel sorry for the rest of you as well, but his butt must be the most hygenic place on the east coast after last week!

Plano Mom

I'll be whatever you want me to be - laughing my ass off because you're so funny, or sympathetic to your monstrous pity parade. Just let me know...been there, fort and all.

alfredsmom

I read all the time but usually dont comment because, well, you have enough comments to read, I dont want to bore you with mine!

But! Your Father in law using the clorox wipes on Noah? I know its not funny, but I laughed out loud. I am so sorry! You sure are having a hard time right now. :(

b

I don't mean to laugh about your FIL using Clorox wipes, but that is something I can unbelievably relate to it's funny.

Also, I didn't read the other comments, but when our 3rd was born pink eye was all the spring/summer fashion among toddlers. I squirted our newborn with breastmilk in the eye and that totally worked. I did it at every feeding until we were all cleared up.

Christine

Oh my God, I'm so sorry - You poor thing. I don't have any brilliant insight for you, but I had to tell you that I sympathize.

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