So I think I've officially lost my sense of humor about this whole House of Doom and Germs and Fluids Leaking From Everybody's Headholes thing. Perhaps I left it at the pediatrician's office this morning. Perhaps I'll call and see if anyone has noticed the smell of death coming from their Lost & Found.

Today's photo, if I chose to illustrate our plight, which I won't, because it's fucking disgusting, would feature the red oozing eyes of both Noah AND HIS MOTHER, who are sporting matching cases of pinkeye. Noah is also covered in a horrible itchy rash, which I initially brushed off as a run-of-the-mill viral rash, but now appears to be an allergic reaction to -- get this -- the Method Baby detergent I bought for Ezra's clothes.

We typically use the Seventh Generation Free & Clear detergent for Noah's clothes, and YES I KNOW, I don't need special baby detergent, but that Method stuff smells so damn good I was helpless to resist it. (Seriously. That shit will make you LACTATE, it's so baby-fresh-delicious.) But my mother-in-law took control of the laundry this week and actually did laundry so often that she was able to COMBINE Noah's and Ezra's clothing TOGETHER, in one load.

(I am baffled by this concept, since I generally wait until the hampers reach Everest levels before doing anything about it.)

(Another result of this extremely proactive approach to laundry is that we are out of hangers and drawer space EVERYWHERE, since we no longer have half of our wardrobes languishing around unwashed as a space buffer. Huh.) 

Who in the world is allergic to baby detergent? WHO? Noah, apparently. And now we have to rewash his entire closet since no one can remember what's been washed when and with what detergent, because surprise! No one can smell worth a damn, thanks to our colds.  And by "we" I actually do mean "me" because my in-laws caught some kind of stomach bug and are totally puking.

Let this be a lesson to everyone who might think about offering to come help us out with the baby or Noah or laundry or whatever: COMING TO OUR HOUSE WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

And if this weren't ENOUGH to make you grab your torches and pitchforks and circle our zip code while chanting UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!...after Noah got sent home from preschool because of the pinkeye (don't blame me -- I KNEW that kid had pinkeye yesterday but was completely shouted down by my husband and in-laws who INSISTED that it wasn't pinkeye and made the call this morning to send him to school while I was busy hooked up to the breastpump, pumping milk for a mythical "dinner outside of the house without children" that Jason and I have been trying and failing and canceling reservations all week for), I took him to the pediatrician and was informed that hey! This kid has a raging bitch of an ear infection.

I stared at the doctor dumbly, because...what? Seriously? THAT TOO NOW? He'd JUST BEEN to the doctor two weeks ago and was fine. (Please note that Jason will yell at me for not taking Noah to the doctor over coughs, contact rashes and mysterious fruit stickers on the wang, but thought I was being completely ridiculous today over goddamned PINKEYE.) And he's still sleeping...and not tugging on his ear...and sure, he's had a cold for two weeks but...oh.

"Noah, does your ear hurt?" I asked in surprise after the doctor delivered the news.

"Yeeeessss." he wailed, and covered his ear with his hands.

"Well!" I said. "I sure am awesome at this."

So. We have an ear infection, two cases of conjunctivitis (but only one prescription for eyedrops, because fuck. that. shit. directly.), a really gross-looking rash, four really tenacious colds and two grandparents bravely trying to insist that it's only food poisoning, not a stomach bug, they're fine, really really fine, we should totally go out for dinner tonight, REALLY, they'll stay here in the House of Murderous Microbes with the children, RUN AND SAVE YOURSELLLLLVES.

Oh, and somebody had diarrhea all over the basement steps. Usually I'd just assume it was one of the pets, but at this point, nothing would surprise me, and everybody remains a suspect. Expect a thorough investigation, just as soon as I'm brave enough to emerge from the little fort I've made out of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes and bottles of hand sanitizer.

UPDATE: Noah is not allergic to the baby detergent. The rash is because apparently my poor father-in-law got confused and thought the (oh, God) Clorox Disinfecting Wipes we keep in the bathroom were the (oh, God) baby wipes. And he'd been using them on poor Noah (oh, God) all week.



Sweet. Baby. Hay-seuss.

There is some gnarly shit going down at your casa.

Peace be with you. Sending all the positive mojo I can muster your way.


This is hysterical. You must be losing your mind. I can't imagine the misery...and with a newborn!

Amy H

about the update: HOLY SHIT. poor baby.


That update is totally not funny at all, but... somehow I just can't stop laughing at the absurdity of it. Your father in law must feel terrible. If one of my daughter's grandparents made that mistake, they'd be completely mortified.


You guys are fucking funny!

But, really hope you feel betta!


i know i shouldn't laugh at others misfortunes- but OMG the update is HYSTERICAL.

i hope all is better there soon.


Wishing you wellness! And a friggin' break! (But mostly *perfect* health.)


It'll get better, lots of hugs, and oh poor babies. Good thing they have such good parents.


I'm groaning in sympathy but also laughing. Your post-script really finished me off with groaning, though. Poor Noah!! (And your father-in-law must feel terrible.) And you know things are bad over there when even the pets are sick.

Good luck, and get well soon!!


Dear God - You are my hero! Good health vibes coming your way!


Well, anyone who thought that using Clorox wipes on their body would ward off illness now has your scientific study to keep them from doing it!

I had a baby the week before you did and was wondering about your pumping schedule. Do you really pump for ten minutes after each nursing session? How much milk do you get each time? I only pump once, maybe twice, a day and get between 3 and 5 ounces a time-but I only pump on the unused side at that time. However, this milk is just for if I go out plus I am storing up for when I go back to work.
I have never heard of using expressed milk for pinkeye. If you do it let us know if it works!



The update (about the Clorox wipes) made me laugh so, so hard, primarily because (1) that is something I would probably do and (2) the idea of bleaching Noah's ass is just plain funny.

Also, Darcey? Jesus, that Dutch chicken noodle soup with homemade meatballs sounds AMAZING. Like, insanely good amazing.


Don't you just hate it when while trying to help you, someone totally screws up but you can't yell at him because 1) he was only trying to help, not hurt your precious baby and 2)he's your FATHER-IN-LAW?!


You have so NOT lost your sense of humor. This made me laugh so hard out loud. My husband said, "you are weird, you have a relationship with a stranger" while I was doubled over laughing. Not at you - I'm so sorry about the sickness - just at they way it's all described and how much it all completely sucks. So sorry - but thank you for the laugh.


Soooo sorry. And I can totally see my (goddamned) inlaws doing that with the wipes.

Anyway, my brother's an opthomologist, and the trick on the eye drops is to try to keep your eye closed for a full minute after you put the drops in. I tried it and the pinkeye seemed to go away a lot faster.

Good luck!


I just want to say I understand about the pinkeye, 'cause I suffer from an eye/skin condition called blepharitis, which means = all the symptoms of pinkeye, without the relief. I get it for about a month at a time, every 3 months or so.

At first I didn't know what it was, which made high school HELL. Thank goodness now I have a method for dealing and making it BEARABLE :)

Kimberly C

Oh god, your update. Oh god. I second or third or whatever the breastmilk in the eye thing, it does work better. (and that scrip for the eyedrops? We kept THAT expensive beotch. Wanted to tell you, I saw a treble clef christmas tree ornament at Target, it does have a freaking bell on it but Noah might love it. And maybe someone could figure out how to remove the bell?


Um...I'm pretty much just sitting here in dumbfounded awe at your father-in-law wiping down your child with Clorox. Seriously? Clorox? Just. Wow.....

the sassy kathy

oh no! i am so sorry for this house of health horrors, and i hope everyone gets better asap. and that last "update" about the clorox wipes - oh no. it just really put me over the edge and cracked me up, even though i KNOW it is not at all funny and i feel very very bad. hope you all feel better soon!


Apparently god didn't think a newborn was a big enough challenge for ya, missy. Good luck with all of that! Just reading this post makes me feel a little itchy. Thank you 100 times over for not posting photos.


Glad someone else mentioned the breastmilk thing before I did - we had pink eye and ear infections and first two teeth a couple of weeks ago. I was advised to put breastmilk in eyes and ears, as it has natural antibiotic qualities-Worked like a charm! (Oh, that and the best invention in the world, the automatic snot sucker - if you don't have one, send someone to RiteAid with 19.99 ASAP! It's the only way to survive!!!)

Sorry to hear about all of the big people with runny orifices. This will be funny in, oh, about ten to fifteen years...
Love, hugs, and tissues!


I've never commented before, but I HAD to say, POOR POOR NOAH!! I can only imagine what his skin must feel like to have been assaulted by CLOROX! OMG!!! The only upside to this is maybe the clorox will help to kill any microbes hiding on his skin waiting to attack! Hopefully all will be well at your place soon!!!


OMG, I just read the update and laughed until I had tears in my eyes. Because this is EXACTLY the kind of thing my father in law would do. And he's supposed to be one of the people coming to help us keep the new baby ALIVE in a mere 11-ish days or so. Well, I guess alive but somewhat rashy is still alive.


Hope things are better today!! My elderly inlaws totally did the same thing to themselves with the Clorox wipes! My MIL had a raging UTI from it and couldn't figure out where it was coming from.
Good vibes coming your way!


Oh, no! That absolutely sucks, and I'm rooting for y'all to get well soon. I'm glad Noah's okay, but the Clorox mixup and the fruit wang stickers? Funny. Been there. Feel better soon and I hope you get out to that dinner eventually.


Oh goodness. I am so sorry. I hope healing and wellness makes it through the door soon.
Until then you have my sympathy!


Seriously? Gramps has been using the Clorox wipes on Noah?

Look on the bright side. You no longer have to rewash everything. Is that bright enough to count? I'm not really sure...


Screw the eyedrops. Boob juice in the eyes. I'm serious! Works WAY better and feels much nicer. I'm used it to cure pinkeye in both my kids, myself and my husband. He tried the eyedrops first and we all got cleared up so much faster he caved and let me squirt him and was better in no time.


This is a good reminder that I still have it (relatively) good.

I think the diarrhea on the steps would have thrown me over the edge.


My boyfriend used the toilet at his parent's house and used their Clorox wipes to clean himself afterwards. He complained to me about the pain later, and assumed he had torn something while using the toilet. I figured out what he had done and then laughed at him for days. Hahaha. It's still funny. I hope Noah is ok though. My boyfriend was rather sore for a day or two, so I imagine a very small child isn't fairing very well either.


I think you need to get one of those big baggies placed around your house (like in ET, remember?), and have a nice old-timey quarantine. Just remember, though: Winter will be over in 4 months.

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