one-handed obit
November 13, 2008
here
lies
amy
she was
run
over
by a train
the sleep deprivation express
(station stops at 1:10, 3:35, 5:01, 6:30 and 8:04 am)
she is squished very flat now
and smells like
baby vomit
she may have possibly
recovered
except there was no coffee
there was only a baby
who would not
ever
no
way
not
even
nuh uh
don't even think about it
tolerate being put down
in a swing
in a sling
in a crib
with a bib
on a couch nestled next to my leg
seriously oh my god I'm RIGHT HERE
and oh look it's time to go pick up
The Other One
and oh wow that poop sounded impressive
and syrupy
anyway
here
lies
amy
she
is
really
very
very
tired.
I fail to see how any of this is my problem. Now let's talk about getting some fresh pants up in here, okay?
Amy, you poor thing! Can't believe that train didn't smoosh your sense of humor. I'd be very snarly at that point.
I completely feel your pain. I slept oh about 45 minutes last night.
I don't know, Ezra is freaking cute, but he looks all baby dictator too. Beware of newborns!
Man, it's like it was written by ee cummings himself.
Hang in there! It gets better, remember?
one handed comment:
i am also on this train. i did not know when i got on that it would be a six month + journey, or perhaps i would have chosen alternate transportation.
they are merciless little shits, aren't they? and how i love mine! * also love the pix of yours, such dollbabies. lucky, lucky, sleepy ladies we are, both.
very Shel Silverstein. In a good way. Except you must be very tired indeed.
Oh come on, that little face TOTALLY makes up for syrupy poop.
I wish I were you right now snuggling with a brand new little one, sleepless and full of possibility. That through the awful haze of no sleep there is that shocking, brand new crack in my heart where that baby now lives and until right now, weeks since I last slept, I didn't know it was possible to love so much.
This will pass. Enjoy.
I definately feel that train. working on our second week of multiple nighttime wakings and feedings. At this point I am thinking about handing the kid $20 the keys to the car and directions to the 24hr McDonalds.
Oh man, wouldn't it be nice to have a baby nurse for thr first three months???? I am DREADING the newborn phase that I will reexperience in June.....
Oh, I so needed a laugh like that today. Hang in there!
My daughter is two months old and I wish typing one handed was a marketable skill.
I want one!! I will come take yours and hold him so you can sleep...nom nom!! Hang in there, it will get better :-)
I could feel your tiredness till I saw the photo. But then I jumped on the "OMG!! He is so cuute" express.
Hang in there! :)
Anyone else tip their head to the left reading this?
Hee!
A moment of silence, now, for what's left of our Amy. Ssshhh...
Yes, yes and again. Why, why will they not sleep anywhere but plastered to our chests?
I know I'll miss it when it's gone, but please child, go sleep in your crib.
Amy... quite possibly to be known as "the next e e cummings" or "the next William Carlos Williams". Does only sleep deprivation bring on the poetry?
Awww. My almost 6 mo old is in the no sleep zone but it's due to teething. So I sympathize deeply. She never wanted to be put down either, that's why I spent the first couple of months in the recliner at night. The bed was screaming my name - really, I heard it. Or maybe I was delusional from no sleep.
Anyway, keep repeating: It will pass, it will pass.
hang in there
oh but he is so sweet he is SUCH a mini-Jason ... he is worth it! oh I know you'd love to swing a punch in my direction now, just that you're too exhausted to ...
My lord he's gorgeous! He makes me want to nibble his hands. And cheeks, those cheeks look mighty tasty.
Awesome! It's like a poem. I love it. :-)
Love it! Now I have to go clean off the soup I sprayed all over my computer. Thanks for that!
But that cute little face completely makes up for it all!
Great post BTW
he will not even chill out in the sling? Sorry, for the no sleep thing, but also because that child looks so much like Jason that people might question if you were even in the room. I have one that people stop us in Wal-Mart to tell us how much he looks like his daddy as well.
You had me until the photo, now I am on his side. :0)
Hang in there, he's gotta sleep someday.
UGH, our daughter was like this first six weeks or so and then one day she just fell to sleep in the swing and it was A-mazing. She has been doing great about letting me put her butt in most anything these days (not for hours or anything but you know it is lovely to have 15 minutes of free hands time...)
Do I detect a little Dr. Seuss in there as well?
I am still in the back pain and heartburn stage but will be boarding the Sleep Deprivation Express sometime around 2/23/09. I haven't had to board that train in well over 2 years now.
I am both looking forward to it like a kid at Christmas and dreading it like going to the dentist all at the same time. I feel for you - hang in there.
I have lived this day.
Hope it gets better for you!
i think you mis-read the face, i see "i'm ready to nurse again!"
Your sleep deprivation hasn't hampered your creativity. Cute post.
1. SOOO cute!
2. It gets better, it really does. Your body learns to survive on 2 hours of sleep. Remember college?
Just kidding. Babies' stomaches grow bigger & can hold more food, so they don't wake up so often.
Till then - these guys make a benevolent dictator shirt: http://www.babymallonline.com/catalog/advanced_search_result.php?keywords=dictator&x=0&y=0&search_in_description=1
Dude.
You have all my sympathy right now.
And that Ezra looks just like his DAD!
Which usually makes the sleep deprivation worse because it's like a miniature and screamier version of your husband keeping you awake whilst he snores away.
I am so sorry you are tired, but....OMG! THE CUTENESS, IT MAKES ME SWOON!
The no sleep is so hard. I found that starting to hallucinate that the baby was crying even when he wasn't was the breaking point for me. My own little poop machine is 2 months and just now past the can't-put-down thing, but he had it BAD for the first 8 weeks or so.
I am doling out the assvice here bigtime today, but it really worked for us. There is a book called Mom's On Call that these two nurses here in Atlanta wrote. They also do home visits in the Atlanta area, so we had the benefit of having them come to our home to help us get it right. The general gist is that you get an adult sound/noise machine, put it on the white noise setting, and turn it up as high as it will go. The swaddle the baby so his arms will not move at all. Then just lay him down in his crib, bassinet, cosleeper, etc. He may fuss for a few minutes, but it really does work!! It is safe to start this as early as two weeks.
You can see the kind of white noise machine and ultrabig swaddle blankets they recommend on their website:
www.momsoncall.com
The boy went from sleeping in 45 minute stretches to 3-4 hours at a time AND you can start babies on it as early a 2 weeks. Can I get a hell yeah!!!
They also have online seminars for like $30, so it isn't a major investment. Can you tell I am a big fan?
Ugh, I so feel for you! I'm going to second Catherine's comment because it sounds like a good idea - you have to sleep and he's gonna need to get used to being somewhere other than on you. Wrap him up tight and white noise him. Until the pretty sounds get there, use the vaccuum. Poor Mama Amy.
My daughter wouldn't sleep anywhere (or really be happy anywhere) other than in my arms, or occasionally in the bouncy seat. Things unfortunately didn't change for us until she could sit up on her own, at about 5 months. But she still only slept with me. Maybe a sling would help?
Poor mommy! You're not alone. But hey, now she sleeps so soundly she still needs pullups, although she does make her own bed (sometimes).
love that pic! he's got raised eyebrows that say "And your point is?...."
I am sooooooo sorry :(
But he is soooooooo CUTE!!
King Ezra of The Universe is visibly unimpressed by your plight. He decrees you cease and desist all activities that do not involve holding His Highness and getting him some boobs up in here.
Amy, I'm DYING here! That was such a hilarious post, although I know you don't exactly see it that way! I feel your pain! Hang in there b/c they do grow up (as you know!). I especially loved the reference to the train making stops at all hours of the night! Thank you!
awe, sorry about the lack of sleep and the lack of doing anything! but he is sooo freakin cute!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Where should I send the flowers and the obligatory meat tray??? You will be missed. That baby is GORGEOUS!
This is why they are made so adorably - otherwise we would toss them out the window.
Sleep deprivation makes you hilariously witty. I mean even MORE witty.
Or, wait, what was I saying? The cute baby threw me off...
Best post EVER! It made me snort.
I KNEW there had to be a reason babies were so darn cute. :)
Tired, but no less creative.
Cool post, btw.
I'm pretty sure this has come up before and you're already in the know, but: perhaps Ezra is comforted by the constriction of being held, which would explain why laying against you doesn't work. My retired-post-partum-nurse MIL solved my youngest nephew's similar issues by wrapping him up TIGHTLY in a blanket (we called him a burrito.) There was something to the technique that made it stay tight, but sorry I couldn't tell you what...
And yeah, that photo does remind me of some communist dictator. (Is there a famous photo of a Chinese/Korean/Russian leader in that same pose?) Only cuter.
Hope you get some good sleep soon!
Oh, HONEY!
My "The Other One"...was...the...SAME SAME WAY!!
The one and ONLY place that was Garrett Approved was the laundry basket
with laundry
dirty laundry in it.
I felt I was in running for the Most Awful Mom Award for even thinking of it. BUT! Sleep and Productivity happened!! Plus, I figured he was the second son so...you know... ;)
You can still post when you are squished, though, right?
We had friends who would trick their baby into falling asleep in the car seat by strapping him in and carrying him around the house until he fell asleep.
syrupy? I totally lol'd.
Oh he is beautiful! The best advice I read when I was walking into walls, so tired with my second, was to sit in a chair and strap on that unfortunately named My Breast Friend pillow and sleep there, just nurse on and off. It's just the first several weeks right? Hang in there, sister.
My daughter wouldn't sleep in her crib either. I rolled a large bath towel and placed it in the middle of the crib (the short way) and made it smaller and cozier. She slept in her crib from then on, when she could roll or reach out and grab the towel we removed it (can't remember which or if it was both). Those nursing baby growth spurts are murder on the boobs, wait till he decides to go three or four hours and you have "extra".
We do swaddle -- beyond crazy tightly -- with Miracle Blankets, and for awhile those truly were miraculous, and allowed us to get a few solid hours of sleep with Ez in the swing.
But then the past couple nights he's been rebelling against the swing (or the crib, or his carseat, or the bouncy seat, or the other swing, or the other OTHER swing) (Noah reeeeeally loved swings, so clearly that's the extent of my parenting know-how). Now Ez will only sleep swaddled AND nestled under my armpit in bed, with boobs out and ready and in position all freaking night. God forbid I dare remove the boob from his mouth even though he's clearly been asleep for 15 minutes too.
Growth spurt? Phase? Probably. Right now he's swaddled and asleep on the couch right next to the butt groove I left there during the little nap I was able to get (BOTH KIDS! NAPPING!) -- so far he hasn't figured out that I dared SIT UP and MOVE SIX INCHES AWAY from him. Am hoping to get one or two of the 249374102479 things on my To Do list done before he notices. Or before Noah notices that look! Baby Brother needs a hug!
Oh, never mind. He's awake again.
Oh, you are still funny even when completely exhausted! And, my god, I want to snatch that boy up and eat him for a snack; he is SOOOOO delicious!!!
Babies' one saving grace through the difficulties they give us is their adorable little cheeks and noses and toes and fingers....
If not for that, we'd probably box 'em up and mail 'em off.
My five year old has had me on that train with night time coughing fits and now ear infections (both ears). But oh, so cute! Hope it gets better soon, or at least the weekend comes and you can spend a day in bed.
Every time I see a picture of Ezra I smile :) He's an adorable little baby! Hope you feel better soon.
Oh,man. Your in trouble. He KNOWS he is too stinkin cute! ;)
Ezra is seriously the cutest baby ever.
Oh dear. I had a "holdy baby", too. She hated every sling, front pack, swing, bouncy seat, car seat--everything besides Mama's arms. I'm happy to report that she is now 9 years old and I don't have to hold her all the time (but she still does have the tendency to be in my lap if I allow it). And dear God, the lack of sleep makes it so hard. Hang in there, girl!
Congratulations!!! (On Ezra - not the sleeplessness...)
-shaaren
(The woman who gushed RIDICULOUSLY at you after the filming of THROWDOWN at The Argonaut.)
looking at my 11 month old today i was so prepared to start trying again.
this post = best birth control ever.
looking at my 11 month old today i was so prepared to start trying again.
this post = best birth control ever.
I'm sorry you're so tired.
Thankfully, you're still really funny.
And my Lord, that baby is stinkin' cute. (Or maybe just stinkin'?)
Thank God they're cute, huh? Keeps their daddies from eating them and us from strangling ourselves with several of their cute little knit pants all tied together.
Hope he lets you get some rest. :)
Yeah, maybe a growth spurt. Whatever it is, that really sucks.
When that "phase" lasted till our son was 8 weeks, I lost sympathy and decided to cut him off from the hour and a half nursing sessions. And he didn't respond to the swaddle until we added the white noise machine. The thing is freakin magic. I so didn't believe until I tried it. We tried EVERYTHING before that... sling, swing, Happiest Baby On the Block, Gripe water, sleeping with him on the boob, everything!! We are just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Somebody mentioned it already but is does sound a little bit like Dr. Seuss. I was all into it. And why does he look so extra tiny in that pic? So cute.
With my own 3 week old - I think I was up with you at every stop. What I wouldn't give for an uninterrupted 8 hour stretch...
Too funny, but even more precious! Such a cute kid!
I love the last line. We always spoke for the baby. I would say in my husband's direction, "Daddy I need a change." He would "Mommy, I need you."
Hey, do you do the diaper staredown? Who will cave first? Mom or dad. Who can not stand the stench of a poopy diaper any longer.
since I'm STILL suffering from the lack of precious precious sleeeeeeeeeep. I'll speak out and stand by your side. Don't let the cute ones rule! They are cute, though...aren't they?...sigh...
I love the seussish post.
Im also very sorry your so tired.
ee cummings meets dr seuss--awesome!
I remember those days. gah! If I could give you some of my sleep, I would.
Oh wow. Sincere condolences on the sleep thing. Also, how do you get off still being so funny when you haven't slept in days?
I don't care if you are sleep-deprived and loopy, you crack me the hell up. I was where you are 30 years ago and I wish I'd had your sense of humor. You're gonna make it.
It's all worth it...just look at that adorable face!
Of course, I can say that now that my youngest is 6 months old and all 3 of my boys are sleeping through the night. Most of the time.
I'm sorry, but I totally LMAO. Oh goodness, I hope you feel better soon, and get some substantial sleep, Amy. Good luck.
OMG--this is why I love to read Amalah! You are great--poetry after a night o'the babe. :-)
You remind me of when I was up all night, every night, with my twins. I don't know how I survived that, but apparently I did, although maybe minus a few brain celz.
If it makes you feel any better, I now (almost a decade later) get a little wistful about that time of my life.
Anyway, you're a good mom. And a good writer, too.
I love the Dr.Seuss-y rhyming in the middle there. :)
Sending sleep vibes to you and Ezra now...may you both sleep soundly soon!
Ezra King of Sleep Deprivation!
He's adorable though.
When I read your posted times for the stops at the sleep deprivation station, I realized that all newborns must have a chip in their head that tells them to wake up at exactly those times. I swear all 3 of mine woke up at those exact same times!
You really have my sympathy, and admiration for still being so clever despite no sleep. And Ezra? So cute, even with that "plotting Storch World domination" look on his face :)
DAMN that baby's cute! Hope you get sleep soon... {{HUGS}}
oh my goodness he's just darling!
Miss Manners wisely says that "Cuteness is nature's way of protecting life before it is toilet-trained." Hope you can get some sleep soon.
I hope you hear my laughter from South Florida and realize that I am not laughing AT you, but in empathy. I have an 8 month old who (sorry to burst your bubble of hope) STILL is this way. This
"seriously oh my god I'm RIGHT HERE"
is MY FAVORITE!
Good luck Amy!
Ahhh, the memories you bring back to me. I hope you get some sleep soon. And what exactly is a syrupy poop? LOL
Very clever!