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November 2008
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January 2009

POINT THE FIRST: I have absolutely no idea what today's entry is going to be about. Topics are a luxury I cannot afford anymore. Instead, I'm taking the "toddler is at school baby is asleep grab laptop and GO GO GO" approach. Where I will just sit down and type whatever words occur to me at the time. Perhaps grammar will go next. Perhaps this blog will simply disintegrate into a Jabberwockian stream of nonsense apple tissue box bacon ham. POINT THE SECOND: We are out of coffee. I am drinking tea. I do not like tea. Well, I like tea, the way other people make tea, with the kettles and the loose leaves and the tiny little tea accessories I see at Crate & Barrel but am unsure of what they do. I have a microwave and Target-brand tea bags. This is not good tea. Therefore, I am in a terrible, terrible mood because my life is very hard wah wah wah etc. POINT THE THIRD: Some good news to report, however, is that we seem to have avoided another wave of sickness. Either the Zicam killed my cold dead or the whole thing was just another sleep-deprived hallucination.... Read more →

Yes, the Baby HAS Mixed Up His Days & Nights Lately. Why Do You Ask?

Last night I woke up with a sore throat, a pounding headache and that crunchy fluid sound of a coming mucus blitzkrieg pulsing in my ears. I stumbled into the bathroom to blindly snort some Zicam and got back in bed, wishing that I could just cut my head off at the shoulders, and then weirdly found some relief by visualizing this -- no head, no throat, just whack off the source of all the misery and...ahh. That's nice. I fell asleep and dreamt that I was reviewing Mamapop posts on my laptop -- panicked because Catherine's Friday Eye Candy featured full frontal William Shatner nudity and Black Hockey Jesus' photo essay about stuffed animals had somehow attracted an army of white supremacists in the comment section. I then decided I needed to drive somewhere else to deal with it, but when I went to get the baby's carseat I found it next to a conference table where a very large business meeting was underway, and a woman seated nearby was using it to hold her wallet and car keys. She gave me a dirty look when I handed them back to her and tried to explain. "This is my... Read more →

I'll have you know that no less than two hours after posting yesterday's lovey-my-baby-is-perfect-and-life-is-a-beautiful-Hallmarkian-flower entry, I hysterically and uselessly ordered Ezra to "STOP CRYING!" And it worked about as well as you would expect it to. Then I hid in the bathroom for 10 minutes. /tackily ironic /totally gratuitous and unrelated to this post (Have a nice weekend, everybody.) Read more →

I've found myself reading through my old archives a lot lately -- I have this compulsion to constantly compare Ezra's infancy to Noah's, both in photos and milestones, using Noah as a yardstick to know that I Haven't Fucked Up Yet -- and so I've also been cringing and laughing at myself a lot. I feel sorry for that poor girl in those entries about breastfeeding, the girl who was trying so hard to succeed at something neither she or her baby were particularly jazzed about, but who did not want to F-A-I-L but needed to W-I-N and it all had to be P-E-R-F-E-C-T. And I smile ruefully at that girl who could not stop writing about how much she loved her baby, like it took her by surprise, like she spent most of her time staring slack-jawed at her infant with a mix of rapture and utter terror while the emotions of early first-time motherhood engulfed her. And then pistol-whipped her for good measure. And then stole her wallet. And then there's me now, who probably isn't that different, because while I can be all head-pattingly condescending to my former self, I'm still neurotic and guilt-ridden as all get-out,... Read more →

I've been working on an entry on and off today, and it's now becoming clear that I am just not going to finish it. (Deep existential questions have been distracting me, like, which do I tackle first? soiled diaper or soiled bedclothes? kiss that bonked noggin or clean the spit-up out of my bra?) However, I'd like to move on from all the screechy rage, so here, please enjoy some goofy pictures of the mighty Ez and his chins. Okay, and one quick anecdote: I forgot I had a dentist appointment this morning, and since it was too late to reschedule, I had no choice but to take Ezra with me. (Honestly, I cannot be expected to remember an appointment I arranged six months ago. I mean, I bought a couple of new nursing bras this weekend but I have already forgotten where I put them.) (If you see them lying around, please let me know.) I was bracing myself for a disaster -- especially since he quietly slept in his carseat in the waiting room for 20 terribly wasted minutes -- because OH YEAH. If there's anything better than the cacophony of hideous drills and electric plaque removers and... Read more →

Diagnosis: Idiot

(Apologies in advance for the screediness of this post. I slipped in my socks and fell flat on my ass while attempting to kick a foam soccer ball into a miniature goal in my living room this morning, so perhaps it's my wounded pride [and backside] lashing out at its inner child, or some such.) (For something more fluffy, feel free to visit the Luvs Momspeak site for my entry about Ghetto Fabulous Bargain Baby-Proofing.) I currently find myself irrationally angry at Denis Leary. Okay, let me back up. Denis Leary was on The Daily Show last week, where he attempted to clarify this passage from his book, from a chapter called "Autism Schmautism:" There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks…to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of their junior morons. I don't give a fuck what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you—yer kid is NOT autistic. He's just stupid. Or lazy. Or both. HA HA! Oh, funny fucking shit, that. So in case you missed the 284304822343489... Read more →

(Photo-heavy post warning. Click below or skip it completely. It's like your very own Matrix blue pill/red pill conundrum!) We kept trying to call the stuffing "bread" and the cranberry sauce "jelly" and the cauliflower gratin "macaroni and cheese" and the turkey "the flesh of thine enemies" but Noah would have none of it. None of any of it. He did eat a slice of apple crumb pie. The next morning. For breakfast. You would think we have a lot of leftovers still in the fridge, but we actually don't. What can I say? I do good work, people. I also know how to really capture the spirit and mood of the day in photographs. Clearly. (Was only photographed in his swing because OH MY GOD, HE'S IN HIS SWING AND NOT SCREAMING. Jason suggested I hold him for the above photos, to which I responded: ARE YOU HIGH, HE'S IN HIS SWING AND NOT SCREAMING.) (Was also very almost accidentally mistaken for some sausage and sauteed with butter and mixed into the stuffing.) And now, the Seemingly Required Noah and Ezra Hugging As If They Liked Each Other Or Something Photo Of The Day: And now, some bonus outtakes.... Read more →