Contractually Obligated Shmushy Face
All That Your Heart Can Take

Deodorant Wars III: The Party

(Previously: Part One and Part Two)

Since we last left this...um...completely inexplicable series that even I'm not really sure what I'm going for here either, there have been several notable life changes for our deodorant friends.

(Also, if you have to ask why I have so many different deodorants, you clearly underestimate how dedicated I get to completely insane gimmicks for my blog.)

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Degree Clinical Protection has put his macho bachelor days behind him and settled down with Degree Ultraclear and little Travel Size.

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Degree Clinical Protection would like you to know that it was a shotgun wedding, and that he still totally rocks the party. You know. When they can get a babysitter, and stuff.

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Secret Flawless, inspired by Lindsay Lohan and that Katy Perry song, which are testing like, way high with her demographic, has been hanging out with Secret Clinical Strength. Her Facebook status is currently set to "It's Complicated."

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Tom's of Maine is currently single.

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But he's optimistic! 2009 is going to be his year! The year the research on aluminum content in deodorant will definitely swing his way! Plus! He recently met Dove Clinical Protection in the candle aisle of the grocery co-op? And she's really like, in touch with what's important, and stuff? Like positivity and acceptance -- she thinks it's okay that you're sweaty! Her prescription-strength aluminum content is TOTALLY JUST A SUGGESTION.

And her apartment has all these really arty black-and-white photographs of chubby girls in their underwear. That's kind of rad.

Anyway, Tom's invited her to a family get-together in honor of Old "Grandpa" Spice. Finally, it's his chance to prove that he's not a loser! People like him! Girls like him!

Plus last time he accidentally set the house on fire with his homemade candles. He's gotta play it real cool this time.

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"grumble grumble goddamned baby-powder scented whippersnappers"

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"So. You're here. I hope you didn't bring those fucking candles again."

"No, I'm selling handmade fair trade dreamcatchers now."

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"Why aren't you eating anything?"

"God, you KNOW I'm a vegan. I tell you this every year."

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"HA HA GOOD ONE GRANDPA. THAT'S AWESOME. FUCK YOU, HIPPIE."

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"So...you're here with Tom?"

"Oh, we're just friends. I kind of felt sorry for him. He's really not a bad guy, but he's just not enough to meet a woman's underarm wetness needs."

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"Wow, I love your simple, gender-neutral packaging."

"Yours too. Who did your focus groups?"

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"Great. Now how will I get boys to pay attention to me in ba-a-ars?"

"Sorry, dude. Maybe get the design people to cinch in your waist a little more?"

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"THAT'S HOT. AND SO GOING RIGHT ON YOUTUBE."

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"Sigh."

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"All right, everybody. Let's sing to Grandpa and get this over with already."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...OH MY GOD! NOOO!"

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"TOM'S ON FIRE AGAIN!"

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"Did somebody call for a doctor? Or a fireman? Or Tiger Woods?"

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"Oh my God, I like, sooo totally use your razors? The ones with like, 17 blades or whatever? You're the BEST."

"Wait until you see the new 18-blade model, baby. It'll blow your mind."

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"Dammit."

Comments

Geiger

I love you.

Marin

Ahahahaha. God, I'm eloquent.

bluepaintred

Obviously you have too much time on your hands! On behalf of facebook, who is feeling neglected I say * LMFAO*

dcfullest

You make me laugh.

Moose

I'd hook up with Tom's of Maine. TOM! HERE'S MY NUMBER!

Moose of Maine. It has a certain ring, doesn't it?

(I think that particular ring might be "of insanity.")

hillary

clap


clap


clap

did I just slow clap on the internet? heck yes, I did.

Janna

So I was reading this at work, and when a co-worker walked by I felt compelled to quickly explain.

I...uh, couldn't.

Bravo - well done!

Becky

HILARIOUS. I am laughing out loud at work - coworkers staring - totally worth it!
:) Becky

Jay

I don't even understand and it's STILL funny.

bethany actually

I bow to your dedication, and I admire your clever use of wooden food playsets.

obabe

i have none of those deoderants, but all of that pretend food (even the birthday cake set).

ImpostorMom

love it!

anna

BWAHAHAHA!

You're the best. Whenever people look at me askance for narrating the lives of my inanimate objects, I will point them towards this, for though parts 1 and 2 were quite funny, this is downright side-splitting and almost disturbingly in-depth.

Morgan S.

You are a nut. And I totally laugh every time I go to the deodorant aisle now!

caroline

You're my hero.

Brenda

That made my day. I really really needed it. Thanks!

Shana

Insane. And fucking hilarious.

nonsoccermom

HA HA HA HA! Thanks for the laugh!!

iambellaluna

Fantastic+fabulous. I also love how all the other deoderants gang up on Tom's all the time. I can only hope for a part IV. Adieu!

mel

ah...you just made my day. :)

Neena

We can file this one under "how not to be productive when you work from home!" But, totally worth it nonetheless!

bad penguin

Oh, poor Tom's of Maine. Will he ever find love?

This is awesome. Now you just need to get some leggings for Secret Flawless to wear.

Sara

I was wondering when we would get back to the secret lives of deodorants. Oh shit, i made a pun, sorry. It wasn't on purpose i swear.

katie ~ motherbumper

I'm now officially concerned about the aluminum content in your underarm deodorant.

Michelle

Left me speechless.
Giggling and speechless.......
Not sure which crack pipe you smoked today, but could you pass it my way. I am having a tough one, and reading this post totally brightened my day.

Mrs. Who

Dude. That girl on girl action was totally HOT.

And? You are definitely spending too much money on deoderant.

Amy H

I don't know where you come up with this stuff but I am sure glad you do!

Bellesouth

I could totally do this with all the deodorant I have in my home.

Mary Jo

I love it! I somehow missed 2, but I have since been educated.

Rachael

Waaaaaaay better than my webbed toes idea.

Although I feel for Tom's. He always seems to get the crumbly side of the deodorant stick.

Mirinda

love it. love you cause you are so hilarious. the first time I read your blog was when part 2 was up. you had me from there on out, girl!

Kendra

I am so proud of you for spending that much money on deodorant just so you can let us all in on their intimate relationships!

Amy

Making deodorant funny is a gift. Or a sign that you are a stay at home mom who desperately needs adult conversation. I fall into the latter category.

cynthea

Okay, that was pretty funny. Thanks.

lil foot's mommy

I want to see your grocery store list! :)

Danielle

I thought the whole thing was HI-larious BUT!

When Tom started on fire.....I lost my mind.

Thanks.

Amber

you sooo made my snow-day

colleen

Sweet Gawd, I love you! hahahhahaha

Kristin

Bwahahahahaha...you are so weird. I love it!

beanery

I saw your tweet with the word deodorant and a link and I shouted "YES!!" This was the best one so far. The candle on Tom's head made my day.

Mariana Perri

Left me speechless... and also a little relieved to know that I am not alone in being weird in this world!!!

Emily

Oh my God, I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. However long that took you to do, it was time well spent. Time. Well. Spent.

angela

My husband and I were talking about this just the other day and wondering when you would do another one. We also want another Thomas drama!
this one was pretty funny!

Sprite's Keeper

I think I smell Part IV! Or just really need a shower...

Pamela

Wow.
You have no idea how that entertained me in my boring hotel room in Atlanta.

Missie

You.Are.A.Genius.

ameliorate me

DEODORANT WARS RETURN!!! Oh, this so made my day.

Karen

I think in your next version you should introduce some aerosol.

I picture you just cracking yourself up as you write this, which cracks me up even more.

lizinsumner

Dude! You've got, like, about $100 worth of deodarant living in your medicine cabinet! Not to mention your family perspiration needs covered for, like, the next fifty years! Awesome.

Christina

You must be drinking during the day...I am so jealous!!!

Jen L.

Oh, God, I love deodorant stories. The fake food was a nice touch, as was the birthday cake.

Heide

That is so bizarre-ly funny, and hilariously bizarre. Thank you.

But Tom's? I like Tom's. Depends on the outfit and the weather.

Alissa

narrating the lives of inanimate objects.

always good material.

Laura

You know, I think I sensed some south park in that "fuck you hippie" remark!

(Seriously, that hippie episode...rocks my freaking world.)

My husband will get a kick out of this. Thanks for making my day!

brit

Random? Yes.
Hilarious? Always.

Starbuck

I feel the need to buy more deodorants now. I mean what kind of person has only one deodorant in her house?

amalah

Laura - YES. The Degree Clinical Strength character is totally Cartman, particularly from the Beefcake Weight Gain 4000 episode. Only his voice is little more like the Russell Crowe Fightin' Round the World episode.

(Oh my God. I'm talking about my INSPIRATION for TALKING DEODORANT TUBES.)

(James Lipton! Call me!)

Aka Alice

I swear I was in the deodorant aisle the other day and couldn't decide which brand was the coolest to hang with due to this ongoing drama... This storyline is so much better than Desperate Housewives of OC!

Monica

You know, at first I was embarrassed about this, but I'm just going to own it and put it out there:
When the page loaded and I saw the first glimpse of a deodorant stick, I literally gasped and said - out loud, to no one - "YESSSSSSSSSS! It has been TOO. LONG."

Monica

You know, at first I was embarrassed about this, but I'm just going to own it and put it out there:
When the page loaded and I saw the first glimpse of a deodorant stick, I literally gasped and said - out loud, to no one - "YESSSSSSSSSS! It has been TOO. LONG."

Sam

Awesome. Thank you.

falderol

My husband and I just busted a gut. I sort of love you.

lisa

NOOooo tom can't die!!

Amanda Strong

Tom's can suck it.

I tried that deodorant this summer (FAIL) and by the time I got into work I thought I smelled like BO. Except it wasn't BO it was the lavender scent. So that when I really did start sweating, I smelled even worse.


jeanette

That was like a bad acid trip, man....

Gillian

And you're a mother of two. How DO you find the time to be both (somewhat insanely) hilarious, and also a food source for your son? I barely have time to brush my hair!

This is like my all time favorite series-de-nonsense.

MommyNamedApril

um.... ok? ;-)

becky

This is just too painfully funny!

Andrea

thank you! i needed a laugh.

amalah

Gillian - well, Noah was napping and Ez was with me in the bathroom, giving me a WTF look from the bouncy seat while I took pictures. He may or may not have been on my boob while I actually wrote the thing.

I am very good at multi-tasking, provided at least one of the tasks is really, really dumb.

Laura

Girl, lay off the crack!

Patti

So rocking with laughter. Must read the back episodes and find out if the Axe boys have already been part of this little opera.

Meg

I'm confused. Did Tom commit suicide or was it just a tragic accident? You can't leave us hanging like that!

Kim

I was so excited to click over and find DeoWars III. Thanks!

MelV

So very hard to discreetly read blogs at work with the uncontrolled burst of BWAHAHAH!

Nellie

Officially LMAO! Hey, up here in Canada we only have two kinds of deoderant, men's & women's ... tell the gang to take a vacation up here, I'm sure they can all get along for a couple of weeks.

Lisa

You just totally made my Friday morning.

Legallyblondemel

I don't know whether to be concerned or wildly amused with this series. I choose both.

Mama T

this is just too goofy. you're a goofy ball. have a goofy fun day :)

Ashley Fitting

SO like... ummm.. wow... That was quite a show :-)

I for one AM going to ask why you have all of that deodorant... it's QUITE impressive :-)

Now I'll stop procrastinating with your deodorant sagas and get back to work :-) (read: post more!! I'm easily entertained and distracted)

marcoda

You are insane in the best sense of the word. Between this and your Thomas the Train Set series, who needs sitcoms?

Fraulein N

This is the best one yet. Poor Tom's of Maine.

Jaidnoire

Hilarious.
You are insane.
I love you.

Kelly

is it bad i totally got excited when i read the title??

awesome, per usual.

Tracey B.

Whew! I was wondering how it all panned out.

Too bad for Tom...

Five Left Feet

What? No roll-on? No aerosol? Not a single clear gel? Racist.

Molly

You are totally adorably weird, in the best possible way.

Emily

fyi: I've heard good things about Mitchum men's unscented deodorant. Maybe he can participate in your next war...

heidi

funny, yes, but i don't know...i kind of feel the same way about this post as i feel about the third movie in every trilogy. good, but not quite as good as the first two (see, e.g., The Godfather). just kidding. i'd take you over martin scorcese anytime!

M.

I sooooo needed that laugh!!

minicooper

I must also add... I love the "tasteful" addition of props (i.e. your kids toys!) to this addition of deo. wars. It so gets the point across! Love it!

lorrie

OMGSOFRIKKINFUNNY. you should do this and this stuff only.
but i want to know why the hippy tree-hugger wasnt invited (crystal bar)

sirena

Soo funny! And also a little crazay. But also a little bit like what tom would totally be like at a party. i think i was talking to him last time i was in hawaii....

Lauren

I especially loved the props.

Kyla

Hilarious!

Liana

Oh man! This is great! And I was just thinking YESTERDAY (seriously!) that what I needed was another episode of Deodorant Wars.
How did you know???

And this one really raised the quality- new characters, "adult situations", props AND a cliffhanger! (um, sort of).

Anyway, THANK you!!! I love this crazy little series of yours. Happy Friday :)

Cristin

You know what I would like? To see Secret Flawless get in a bitch slap fight with that cheap ass hoe, Suave Powder Scent! Love it.

bunnybear

I'm still laughing. Loved it.

Janna

Exactly how many deodarants do you own? I bet if you opened the tops on all of those, it would smell like a beautiful rainforest with a cool mountain breeze.

Raven

My husband and I were cracking UP over this. You rock.

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