Deodorant Wars III: The Party
January 15, 2009
Since we last left this...um...completely inexplicable series that even I'm not really sure what I'm going for here either, there have been several notable life changes for our deodorant friends.
(Also, if you have to ask why I have so many different deodorants, you clearly underestimate how dedicated I get to completely insane gimmicks for my blog.)
Degree Clinical Protection has put his macho bachelor days behind him and settled down with Degree Ultraclear and little Travel Size.
Degree Clinical Protection would like you to know that it was a shotgun wedding, and that he still totally rocks the party. You know. When they can get a babysitter, and stuff.
Secret Flawless, inspired by Lindsay Lohan and that Katy Perry song, which are testing like, way high with her demographic, has been hanging out with Secret Clinical Strength. Her Facebook status is currently set to "It's Complicated."
Tom's of Maine is currently single.
But he's optimistic! 2009 is going to be his year! The year the research on aluminum content in deodorant will definitely swing his way! Plus! He recently met Dove Clinical Protection in the candle aisle of the grocery co-op? And she's really like, in touch with what's important, and stuff? Like positivity and acceptance -- she thinks it's okay that you're sweaty! Her prescription-strength aluminum content is TOTALLY JUST A SUGGESTION.
And her apartment has all these really arty black-and-white photographs of chubby girls in their underwear. That's kind of rad.
Anyway, Tom's invited her to a family get-together in honor of Old "Grandpa" Spice. Finally, it's his chance to prove that he's not a loser! People like him! Girls like him!
Plus last time he accidentally set the house on fire with his homemade candles. He's gotta play it real cool this time.
"grumble grumble goddamned baby-powder scented whippersnappers"
"So. You're here. I hope you didn't bring those fucking candles again."
"No, I'm selling handmade fair trade dreamcatchers now."
"Why aren't you eating anything?"
"God, you KNOW I'm a vegan. I tell you this every year."
"HA HA GOOD ONE GRANDPA. THAT'S AWESOME. FUCK YOU, HIPPIE."
"So...you're here with Tom?"
"Oh, we're just friends. I kind of felt sorry for him. He's really not a bad guy, but he's just not enough to meet a woman's underarm wetness needs."
"Wow, I love your simple, gender-neutral packaging."
"Yours too. Who did your focus groups?"
"Great. Now how will I get boys to pay attention to me in ba-a-ars?"
"Sorry, dude. Maybe get the design people to cinch in your waist a little more?"
"THAT'S HOT. AND SO GOING RIGHT ON YOUTUBE."
"All right, everybody. Let's sing to Grandpa and get this over with already."
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...OH MY GOD! NOOO!"
"TOM'S ON FIRE AGAIN!"
"Did somebody call for a doctor? Or a fireman? Or Tiger Woods?"
"Oh my God, I like, sooo totally use your razors? The ones with like, 17 blades or whatever? You're the BEST."
"Wait until you see the new 18-blade model, baby. It'll blow your mind."