A Post About Boobs. But You Know, the Lame Mommyblog Functional Sort of Boobs.
February 18, 2009
Ezra had his four-month check-up yesterday (hmm, feels like way too many hyphens in that sentence, but no matter), and unlike last time I cannot directly compare his stats to his big brother's, because I never blogged about them. So I don't know them. So I was either completely over documenting Noah's babyhood by four months or at least briefly pretending to for the Sake Of My Poor Mommyblogged-Out Audience. Or....(scans blog archives once more)...ah. Yes. Month four was the month of the rotavirus. Over and over again. So I was simply too busy vomiting. I remember now.
(I also remember why it became imperative that we move to a place with more than one bathroom, as I never, ever wish to repeat the math of Two Sick Adults, One Toilet again.)
Anyway. I believe Noah was somewhere in the 15-pound range, and really long, like 95th percentile long. His doctor was all, "Have you started him on solids yet?" And I was all, "Yesssss," because the Internet had yelled at me for starting him on solids. And the doctor was all, "Good!" and proceeded to rage against commercial rice cereal for the next like, 20 minutes.
Ezra weighs 15 pounds, 9 ounces and is 26 inches long. 75th percentile, more or less. They didn't give me the percentile for his head measurement (16 3/4 inches), but did comment that wow, it really IS the most perfectly round head ever. He's like a cantelope, attached to a ham.
I also got the green light to start him on solids, if we feel like it. (Our doctor uses a "six months or 15 pounds or doubled birth weight or whichever comes first" guideline, which I know is not what every doctor recommends, but oh hai, welcome to motherhood, the land of a million magical and conflicting opinions about every fucking little thing you do,)
I came home and ground up some oatmeal in the blender (one chronically constipated kid is ENOUGH, thank you, rice cereal)...and then poured it in a plastic container and put it away.
Not quite ready yet, let's stick with the six-month plan, I thought. But unlike last time, when my instincts told me yes, Noah was ready, whatever, I'm not sure this is so much my instincts but a small, quiet need to Not Be Done Exclusively Breastfeeding yet. And yeah, I'm aware that of all the neurotic things I've said on my website, that's gotta be up there in the top five, at least.
I'm not too worried Ezra will wean himself -- despite being "ready," I don't even think he'll be that interested in food, and don't even get me started on the crazy hoops we go through to get him to accept the occasional bottle. ($13 bottles that look like boobs, people. I tried to give him one last night out at a restaurant because I wasn't wearing an easily-opened top and had some about-to-expire breastmilk in the fridge [he won't eat anything that's been frozen and thawed, or even not super-freshly pumped, which I finally figured out is likely excess lipase, gah], and I swear, having that bottle out on the table felt more suggestive than opening my bra in public ever has. He also still wouldn't take it, and I ended up stretching out the neckline of a brand-new dress anyway.) I am pretty sure we'll be nursing for as long as I could ever possibly want to nurse, which I think is somewhere north of a year but south of "able to unbutton my shirt and ask for it."
I'm not worried about my supply or allergies or anything like that. No, this is just me selfishly clinging to a passing phase of infancy, when I was all he needed in the world, when I truly got to be his everything. When I could see his rolly thighs and those numbers on the scale and proudly think: Me! All me! I did that! He used to be a zygote and now! LOOK AT WHAT MY BODY CAN DO! (thumps chest, swaggers away, awwwyeah)
I've started and deleted a "In Praise of Breastfeeding" type post several times -- partly because I don't want to make anyone feel badly because they couldn't or didn't.
And partly because the only commenter I've had to ban since Ezra was born would only show up on posts whenever I said ANYTHING positive about breastfeeding, and who would leave rambling comments about what a load of shit it all was and seemed to think I was some kind of anti-formula zealot. Quite refreshing, honestly, from the days when I regularly got comments about how my low supply was all in my imagination, and supplementing with formula was just an excuse for laziness and didn't I know that all I had to do was <insert solution that I'd already fucking tried, thanks>.
(Oh, and whatever -- Ezra HAS had formula, every now and again, thanks to the lipase/storing problem combined with growth spurts where he drinks every blessed drop and there's nothing left to pump. Oh my God, the horror! And whatever, etc.)
But. I've loved nursing this baby. I get why women get so passionate about it, even though that passion rankles those who had troubles, because it can sound like a judgement. "Yeah, it was all perfect sunshine and rainbows for you, but it was hell on earth for me and STOP JUDGING STOP JUDGING I FAIL, OKAY? GOD." I am so not judging.
But.
I love his face when he knows he's going to eat -- big eyes, open mouth, excited breathing and arm flailing. I love how he sighs contentedly after a few swallows. How he looks up at me with wide, adoring eyes. How he takes a break to smile at me right before nuzzling back against me. I love how, when he's really good and hungry and I'm taking too long for his liking, he lets out a squawky, impatient shriek. When I think about everything I have done with with only one hand over the past four months -- phone calls, bills, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, this very entry -- I laugh, and I love it.
I know it's not something I'll probably ever talk to him about -- what young man wants to hear about breastfeeding from their mother, oh my goooood -- so I'm very cheesily treasuring and relishing this relationship for now, for as long as I can. I wanted to do this for him, but never reaized how much it would be for me, too.
Oatmeal, anyone?
I get it. Completely. And, it's not selfish. You're doing something really good for him. My youngest two never did eat babyfood. My youngest one I didn't start on solids until she was 9 months. Her first meal? Salmon w/rice pilaf and asparagus. She loved it. When you're both ready the food will still be there.
Love this post. So. Much!
Can we please just silence the negativity from either side of the fence? Congrats on doing exactly what you wanted to do with Ezra. I remember your angstier posts with Noah and how you were trying so hard with him and I went through that myself for so long with my own. I only hope that when we begin #2, I will have the same differences as you. You are an awesome mom!
That's a beautiful post. And I'm glad you're having such a good experience with it. But I cringed when you described how finnicky he was about frozen/thawed/not freshly pumped breast milk. Because Spike was very particular about the temperature of his formula and that has turned into an ongoing thing as he approaches 15 months. I used to scoff at people who said they had picky eaters -- If they're hungry enough, they'll eat it! Spike is my karmic retribution. One day he likes mac n cheese. Next day, he throws it at me. And don't even try to give this kid leftover. He's. Not. Having it! When I find a food that he likes, I actually, literally rejoice right there in my kitchen. I hope this is just a breast milk/phase thing for Ezra and that you're not left cleaning up remnants of mandarin oranges, cheese and cold applesauce every time you try to feed him. Because picky babies (who don't have sensory issues like Noah and the children of friends) suck at meal times!! (hahaha... I just made a pun... suck at meal times... breast feeding post... I crack myself up!)
My breastfeeding experience (once a day now that she's 14 months old) has been somewhere in between your two in terms of enjoyability and ease. And I still LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT and am so so pleased that you're lovin' it too.
I'm glad you have had such a pleasant experience this time round.
Well, I mean, OBVIOUSLY you're an anti-formula zealot. Duh.
But actually, I think that what you're doing is fine. There's nothing wrong with WANTING to breastfeed your boy and there's nothing wrong with CONTINUING to do so both because he wants to and because you want to. And there is NEVER anything wrong, NEVER, with cherishing the relationship that you and Ezra have forged together, in part or totally as a result of breastfeeding.
Ignore the naysayers. When you're both ready, solids will still be there =)
How did Ez get to be so big? He popped! Beautiful boys, Amy. (And I LOVED breastfeeding...even though my youngest would have preferred a bottle. Go figure.)
You nailed it. With my second son - who I knew would be my last baby - I cherished nursing so much. Even though I'd successfully nursed my first son (my Noah), there was something so special and so treasured about nursing Nicklaus.
I know for a fact I'm finished having babies, but I will always, always miss nursing a baby.
I feel like you wrote this post about me... I couldn't get my first born (turned 3 in November) on the boob and I can't get my youngest (born October 2008) off the boob. She hates the bottle with a passion and I kind of like it that way. So not ready for solids, six months sounds good, but I'm just not there yet. Every little roll on her legs makes me proud. This breastfeeding thing is great and I'm loving it. Never thought I would be this way, but I am.
Good for you! Breastfeeding is amazing. And it's the coolest feeling knowing that YOUR body is providing life and sustenance for an entire OTHER person. You feel like the awesomest person alive.
Boobs rock.
What a lovely thought! I have been lucky enough to breastfeed all my three kids with only the usual problems (latch with #1, plugged ducts with #2, and biting with #3). But it has been such a magical experience for me. And I do remember looking at my little girl, just before giving her solids for the first time, and being overwhelmed by the thought: "You're made out of me. Me plus oxygen, plus a little Baby Tylenol. But your cells used to be my cells. You are a freaking miracle." It's been a little hard to give up that feeling (she'll have her first birthday in March).
I know I've been lucky and would never tell a mom she's doing something wrong by not breastfeeding. But I also wouldn't miss the experience for the world.
I hear you sista! I nursed my first until 20 months when he finally decided he was done. We did not start him on solids until about 8 or 9 months. Overall breast feeding was the best experience ever!
This time around it has been the same. Lil girl started solids on Sunday just shy of six months and three weeks old. We had some ALMOST overdue breast milk in the fridge and the rice cereal so we did it. It was a terribly hard decision to make - her eating solids so soon!
She is a big old chubby baby so she is not in need of solids and I am a firm believer in waiting until after six months (for my kids only of course!) Enjoy the time - it is wonderful!!!
I am glad you got the great experience you wanted, it sounds the way it is supposed to feel!
I ended up pumping exclusively for both of mine, and try not to regret not 'being able' to feed them. I think I may be one of those folks that might have enjoyed it, but I was also happy to do what I could and be efficent about it. Plus, cracked nipples. Ouch. I wish everyone could just bugger off and stop picking on each other, you zealot :)
Yep - I get it (and I also had those $13 boob-bottles that my daughter flat out refused). You just described my experience with my daughter - who was BF exclusivly until 6+ months (after the great oatmeal rejection at 5 months we went right to non baby foods mushed up just before 7 months) and then continued to BF until 18 months when we mutually weaned (and I cried during her last nursing session). I was her sole source of food for so long and as a child who never took a bottle and me as a WOHM it was m-fing hard, but by god I loved it and miss it.
She is my first (and right now only) and with my great experience and easy time at BFing I always felt guilty when I talked about it as I know so many women struggle and hate it. I know I sounded like some crunchy lactivist, but it really was one of the single things I did in my life that made me peacfully happy and "Roar! Look what this body can do!!" at the same time.
Keep doing it, if your heart tells you to. I know that sounds cheesey, but I dried up around 8 months. My baby is now more like a toddler, and I am still a little sad at having to stop so early (although I had only planned on going to a year). It's just such a special time to share with your baby, when you and only you can meet their needs...
Your description sounded just like my thoughts on nursing. I am currently nursing my (probably) last baby and I am conflicted about stopping. He is 11 months old today and the thought of only one more month is both exciting (because I work FT outside of the home) and terribly sad for me. Not sure if I will be able to stop at one year. I remember those first 6 months of solely nursing him and feeling the pride that you do now. He didn't ever taste a drop of formula until this week because I am on a business trip and that feels like the best thing I have ever done in my life.
outmeal can wait! :-)
Oh my, exactly. My friends have had trouble, it has hurt, I read you and know all about your past troubles, I was ... worried. But my god, what you said: I have without one small doubt adored it. Quietly, not crowingly, but adored it. And now my baby is almost 11 months, and I am looking forward to not pumping anymore (I still work, which, I dunno ... not great but I'm okay with it), but I still want to feed him in the a.m. and p.m. and ... oh I'm going on and on. My point is: Congrats on having such an excellent experience. It's lovely when it works, isn't it?
You took the thoughts right out of my head....By the way my boobs starting to ache when I read your post!!! Makes me wanna go out there and breast feed anybody and everybody's baby!
Breastfeeding my daughters for 18 months each is my proudest accomplishment (and I have a Master's Degree, run marathons, and have written for some very famous people). It doesn't make me anti-formula but it does make me feel bad for mothers who never get to experience the uniquely feminine, empowering, amazing and natural experience that is nursing. It wasn't always easy or convenient but it was so incredibly rewarding. My girls never get sick and are exceptionally close to me and each other. Was it the nursing? Perhaps not but I like to think so. I weaned my youngest in October and it was bittersweet. Cherish each and every nursing moment because this time is fleeting!
Sniff, sniff.....I love this post. Especially about being his everything for those few months. I totally understand. My 2nd child is growing faster than I care to admit and just this morning I almost sat down & cried thinking of how quickly time goes.
When she started solids at 6 months she did cut back on the milk just a bit, but when we get home or she's ready for bed, it's mama time. No one or nothing else will do. I love it.
This is a great post for me today. This is day one of weening for me. She's almost 9 months old and I have to have surgery, so I need to ween her. She loves food, but not so much formula. So I am working on it. thank you for describing him nursing. Those are the things I am trying to remember forever now. As I nurse her I am memorizing everything since I know it's going away very soon.
Yes. All of that and more. :) I know it isn't for everyone for a lot of reasons...but it can be amazing. My son is 16 months old now. I wanted to nurse for a year. We haven't weaned yet, and I don't know, I just don't want to force/enforce it. The look on his face...it's our time together.
I LOVED breastfeeding my daughter. After the whole 16 hours of hard (natural! I TRIED DAMNIT!) labor followed by emergency c-section because baby's heart rate goes down and stays down debacle causing me to feel like an utter FAILURE I needed a win. I breastfed that baby and I was good at it and it felt good and natural and at least I could do that much.
I breastfed her until she was over 2. And I don't regret it. And yes, she could ASK for it :)
For all of the reasons you just stated, I am so envious. Breastfeeding (for many reasons) didn't work out for me, with any of my 3 kiddos. It's one of my biggest regrets.
I don't feel judged, I just feel kind of sad that I didn't get to have that experience. But it didn't work for us, and I'm glad I gave in to that reality instead of continuing what was really becoming an obstacle to our bonding. Now I love making baby food (when I have time) and feeding my daughter food I have prepared. Not the same, but still a sense of pride.
And another thing- I never thought my breasts were pretty until after I'd breastfed. I always wanted a boobjob because they were small and the wrong shape and I just hated them. Now I love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. Isn't that weird? you'd think I'd want a boobjob even more after 2+ years of breastfeeding...But I don't. I can honestly say I LOVE MY BREASTS!
I breastfed for three weeks, only three weeks, and I have major regrets for giving up, yada, yada, yada, but I get it. I know why people are zealots, I know how awesome an experience it can be. Relish it while you can. :)
Amy, this made me cry. I'm still sniffling. My daughter wouldn't latch well, and so my bf'ing relationship with her consisted of pumping for 9months while others got to feed her.
You've given me hope - so, so much hope - that next time. Next time will be the time when I can be relaxed and enjoy it.
So happy for you guys. Rock on with your awesome boobs and adorable babies. So, so happy.
I get you.
I remember when we were at the beach when Noah was a baby and I asked you something about breastfeeding and you explained how you had a tough time. I internally panicked because I replied with something vague, like, "Ohhh...yeah," and worried that it sounded like, "Ohhh...yeah...jerk." But it was merely me seeking a moment to squee with you about how cool breastfeeding is, not to chagrin of formulafeeding, just a sheer, "RAD!" moment. And I'm having that with you now. We're having a moment. And I just thought you should know that you and I are currently engaged in a moment.
No matter what you say about breastfeeding on your blog, no one can judge or admonish you as being preachy because you have experienced both ends of the breastfeeding spectrum which gives you more compassion for those who tried and were unable to for whatever reason and those who aren't sure it's for them and and understanding of why some women love the experience and want it to last.
(Did you notice that was one giant sentence? I learned that from you!)
Ditto, this is like reading my own story :-) I bf'd my first child for only 5 months due to a myriad of problems. I'm still bfing my second child at 15 months. I had too much lipase and he would NEVER take a bottle, ever (made for fun first six months before i quit my job. He would refuse a bottle all day, then clusterfeed all night. I finally figured out the lipase thing about a week before I quit my job...oh, the sobbing when I threw out 50 bags of pumped of milk.) He also refused all solid foods until he was 11 months old...we had him to food therapists, etc. And one day he looked at his older brother eating pasta, said hey! I want that! and off he went. But he still comes to me in the morning and the evening saying "nummy nummy!" I'm going to a conference in April for 3 days and I'm afraid that will be the end :-(
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I've had the bad / good nursing experience all crammed into one baby.
Peeper was 4 weeks early (she's about 2 weeks - but really 6 weeks - younger than Ezra) and we had a hell of a time getting started.
Tiny, early, sleepy baby. Jaundice. Nipple confusion (fuck you very much, pediatrician who swore bottles were the only option to keep her from starving). Pumping with little instruction, resulting in awful nipple pain.
Finally got her to the breast consistantly at just over 5 weeks, and she's not had a bottle since she turned 6 weeks old.
(It's been 10 weeks, 2 days and 21 hours since the last one but, you know, who's counting.)
Now, for a variety of reasons, she needs to be able to take bottles on occassion when I'm not available, and she's hanging out with just her other Mommy or someone else.
Also, we've got a 4-month appointment next week, and we're starting to hear about the cereal from certain corners of the peanut gallery.
And it's all just killing me.
I just made my partner read this post, because you were able to say it so much better than I can.
And, I hope you don't mind, but I've linked to it from my blog, with the title "What She Said."
(Btw, the $13 boob bottle was recommended to us, too. We hope she'll take the $5 Target BreastFlow; if not we'll buy the boob bottle.)
My boy also just turned four months old, and the doctor gave us the go-ahead for solids. But I'm having the same feelings you're having about nursing. I love it, and he loves it, and oh man those flailing arms and that little bird mouth when he knows he's about to eat just melt my heart. So, yeah, I think I'll hold off on the solids a little while.
I think it is up to you and Ezra when to start eating solids. My mother breastfed me exculsively until 10 months when I expressed interest in eating solid food. And her theory is that if a baby can't pick it up and put it in their mouth themselves then why put them on solids? But just my experience and my mothers information. It is different for everyone.
Also, it is easier to just breastfeed, the diapers are less smelly and you are not depriving him nutritionally by feeding him breastmilk by god! Do it as long as it works for you and Ezra!
That's so cool that it worked for you this time and you are getting so much enjoyment from the experience. It worked for me both times and I hated (hated) it. It was awfully convenient and good for the kids but I really didn't care for any of it in the least. Did I mention hate? I don't feel bad about the hate either. I think this is truly a case of different strokes for different folks. Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't make it magical even if you can do it as easy as falling off a log.
I totally understand. I planned on breastfeeding because it was good for him (and also free!) but I had no idea how much I would get out of it. Everything you described. It’s amazing. And Cash has had formula too, on occasion, and I’m fine with that, but just so happy that he and I have this amazing relationship that he will never have with anyone else.
And now, Ezra will always be prosciutto and melon to me. Just a fancy ham and cantaloupe. 'Cause he's fancy that way, I guess.
I do hate that some people feel like such experts that they can criticize another mom's decision (whatever the decision is about)...and then normal sane people feel they can't like breastfeeding or even utter "formula" without being stoned from someone on the other side of the fence. To each his own I say! Also, I appreciate you sharing b/c I birthed a 9+ pounder in December and had low supply issues (read: could only produce enough for one-sometimes two-feedings per day-HELLO, 9lb boy!). I felt like I couldn't speak of it b/c people would judge and started thinking that maybe I was lazy and if I'd kept trying then "maybe"...but lo, he takes formula and is happy smiling and in my doctor's words "perfect". I'm really glad things are so much better with Ez and I hope that I have the same experience with my #2 (whenever we decide to have a #2). Do yo' thang mama!
That must be so healing for you. I have been reading since before you had Noah, and I remember your posts about breastfeeding. I struggled with breastfeeding during the first 2 months of my sons life, I think because of a wicked case of PPD. After the first 2 months, it has been smooth sailing. I too am on the fence about solids, but my 5 month old has been expressing interest for the last month. I gave in with the cereal/fruit/veg at about 4 months. It is still difficult to think that he is getting nutrition from something other than me!! I hope that we can make it at least to the year mark.
Waaahhh! My daughter self-weaned nine months ago (at a year old). This post is making my boobies huuurt! I miss my baby....
Now that sounds SO much nicer then what I thought: "I want to nurse as long as possible because I can do other things while doing it and feeding kids at the table is a major pain. So I was pushing for no solids until 6 months...until he started looking at the food at the table and wanting what we had. And so I think we started a bit earlier then 6 months, but I totally held out as long as possible because I was lazy (I can read blogs on the computer and feed you at the same time! Why would I want to start having to spoon feed the child?)...not because of sentimental or health reasons.
I'm not much of a commentor on blogs, but your post today was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your joy in a world so often devoid of it.
I'm actually reading this while pumping at work. Go boobs!
I remember a mom at work telling me when I was just returning from maternity leave how much she missed breastfeeding. I thought she was completely insane at the time - it was not going well for me. But I managed to get past thr rough patch and ended up just weaning him - well, allowing him to self wean at 27 months. I always thought I'd be done about 15 months. But the nightly snuggles were hard to give up. So now I know what she meant when she said she missed it.
I'm so glad the breastfeeding is working well for you this time. It sounds lovely and I'm really hoping my own boobs will be up to the task when the time comes. I can't imagine typing one-handed, though. Wouldn't that take about four times as long?
put off the solid food. it's such a pain to feed the little guy and the 3 year old at the same time. hardly any time left to feed #1, and i hate skipping a meal!!
I could have written this post a year ago! My own Ez (this name is going to take off just cuz it is so perfect), was boob or starve. I was so in love with nursing that I was reluctant to try the bottle. Then when we had to start using the bottle, no way, no how (at 6 weeks). We must of bought every bottle out there because every time I walked into my local lactation store - "did you try this new $20 bottle that looks like an android boob but oh, so real?". We could open a museum of bottles circa 2008. Ezra never took the bottle and we survived - he hated daycare for obvious reasons but as soon as he was on solids, everything was grand. I remember the transition of, "my gosh, I could nurse him until he goes to college" to "oh my god, I'm going to have to nurse this kid until he goes to college!" Still, I loved every moment of it and he self-weaned at 15 months. He was done. Although I wasn't quite done yet, I am glad I won't be tagging along when Ezra goes to college.
Love your blog -
With son #1 I once had a daycare gal tell me, "You know, formula isn't BAD for babies" shen she heard I was keen on keeping him exclusively breastfed. I was like YES, I know this, but I think it's SUPER COOL that my boobs alone can make him grow like this...so why add other stuff when we don't have to?
SO I competely get your pride/enthusiasm about it. Rawk on.
My child also rejected the $13 boob bottle. No one I left her with could figure out to fill it anyway.
Parsing Nonsense- it does take twice as long, for a while, then it gets easier, lol. Still a bit awkward though, at 2 years in.
I nursed my daughter for the last two years- we are weaned for a week today, and I say weaned because it's me being weaned too. I could cry just thinking about how her little eyes rolled around in her head at the first sip of milk from mama. I will miss it (but it was time, gah, am touched waaaay out now)
You wrote about this beautifully.