Ezra's Lullaby
Your Turn

A Post About Boobs. But You Know, the Lame Mommyblog Functional Sort of Boobs.

Ezra had his four-month check-up yesterday (hmm, feels like way too many hyphens in that sentence, but no matter), and unlike last time I cannot directly compare his stats to his big brother's, because I never blogged about them. So I don't know them. So I was either completely over documenting Noah's babyhood by four months or at least briefly pretending to for the Sake Of My Poor Mommyblogged-Out Audience. Or....(scans blog archives once more)...ah. Yes. Month four was the month of the rotavirus. Over and over again. So I was simply too busy vomiting. I remember now.

(I also remember why it became imperative that we move to a place with more than one bathroom, as I never, ever wish to repeat the math of Two Sick Adults, One Toilet again.)

Anyway. I believe Noah was somewhere in the 15-pound range, and really long, like 95th percentile long. His doctor was all, "Have you started him on solids yet?" And I was all, "Yesssss," because the Internet had yelled at me for starting him on solids. And the doctor was all, "Good!" and proceeded to rage against commercial rice cereal for the next like, 20 minutes.

Ezra weighs 15 pounds, 9 ounces and is 26 inches long. 75th percentile, more or less. They didn't give me the percentile for his head measurement (16 3/4 inches), but did comment that wow, it really IS the most perfectly round head ever. He's like a cantelope, attached to a ham.

I also got the green light to start him on solids, if we feel like it. (Our doctor uses a "six months or 15 pounds or doubled birth weight or whichever comes first" guideline, which I know is not what every doctor recommends, but oh hai, welcome to motherhood, the land of a million magical and conflicting opinions about every fucking little thing you do,)

I came home and ground up some oatmeal in the blender (one chronically constipated kid is ENOUGH, thank you, rice cereal)...and then poured it in a plastic container and put it away.

Not quite ready yet, let's stick with the six-month plan, I thought. But unlike last time, when my instincts told me yes, Noah was ready, whatever, I'm not sure this is so much my instincts but a small, quiet need to Not Be Done Exclusively Breastfeeding yet. And yeah, I'm aware that of all the neurotic things I've said on my website, that's gotta be up there in the top five, at least.

I'm not too worried Ezra will wean himself -- despite being "ready," I don't even think he'll be that interested in food, and don't even get me started on the crazy hoops we go through to get him to accept the occasional bottle. ($13 bottles that look like boobs, people. I tried to give him one last night out at a restaurant because I wasn't wearing an easily-opened top and had some about-to-expire breastmilk in the fridge [he won't eat anything that's been frozen and thawed, or even not super-freshly pumped, which I finally figured out is likely excess lipase, gah], and I swear, having that bottle out on the table felt more suggestive than opening my bra in public ever has. He also still wouldn't take it, and I ended up stretching out the neckline of a brand-new dress anyway.) I am pretty sure we'll be nursing for as long as I could ever possibly want to nurse, which I think is somewhere north of a year but south of "able to unbutton my shirt and ask for it."

I'm not worried about my supply or allergies or anything like that. No, this is just me selfishly clinging to a passing phase of infancy, when I was all he needed in the world, when I truly got to be his everything. When I could see his rolly thighs and those numbers on the scale and proudly think: Me! All me! I did that! He used to be a zygote and now! LOOK AT WHAT MY BODY CAN DO! (thumps chest, swaggers away, awwwyeah)

I've started and deleted a "In Praise of Breastfeeding" type post several times -- partly because I don't want to make anyone feel badly because they couldn't or didn't.

And partly because the only commenter I've had to ban since Ezra was born would only show up on posts whenever I said ANYTHING positive about breastfeeding, and who would leave rambling comments about what a load of shit it all was and seemed to think I was some kind of anti-formula zealot. Quite refreshing, honestly, from the days when I regularly got comments about how my low supply was all in my imagination, and supplementing with formula was just an excuse for laziness and didn't I know that all I had to do was <insert solution that I'd already fucking tried, thanks>.

(Oh, and whatever -- Ezra HAS had formula, every now and again, thanks to the lipase/storing problem combined with growth spurts where he drinks every blessed drop and there's nothing left to pump. Oh my God, the horror! And whatever, etc.)

But. I've loved nursing this baby. I get why women get so passionate about it, even though that passion rankles those who had troubles, because it can sound like a judgement. "Yeah, it was all perfect sunshine and rainbows for you, but it was hell on earth for me and STOP JUDGING STOP JUDGING I FAIL, OKAY? GOD." I am so not judging.


I love his face when he knows he's going to eat -- big eyes, open mouth, excited breathing and arm flailing. I love how he sighs contentedly after a few swallows. How he looks up at me with wide, adoring eyes. How he takes a break to smile at me right before nuzzling back against me. I love how, when he's really good and hungry and I'm taking too long for his liking, he lets out a squawky, impatient shriek. When I think about everything I have done with with only one hand over the past four months -- phone calls, bills, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, this very entry -- I laugh, and I love it.

I know it's not something I'll probably ever talk to him about -- what young man wants to hear about breastfeeding from their mother, oh my goooood -- so I'm very cheesily treasuring and relishing this relationship for now, for as long as I can. I wanted to do this for him, but never reaized how much it would be for me, too.


Oatmeal, anyone?



Been there....done that....totally understand.
There is nothing like it!

I nearly gave up this time around, too, after 2 great successful nursing experiences.
But it all is working out. My chubby girl has doubled her birth weight in only 4 1/2 months, too.


Do what's best for you and Ezra; you know what that is!

My first baby is 2 1/2 months old and my milk supply went to crap the day I went back to work (he as about 6 weeks) despite our trying EVERYTHING. I hope that when the time comes, I have the same changes with my second that you've had with Ezra!


Speaking from the "nursing was hell" camp, I have to say, I really appreciate your post. I'm so glad that nursing is working out for you so well---that is a great success. I'm also glad that the experience is bringing you so much joy, because when you aren't sleeping through the night and you are chasing a toddler in addition to caring for a newborn, you need all the joy you can get!

What I really appreciate, though, is your comment about the judging. I think you hit the nail on the head---when I was struggling, and friends who loved breastfeeding talked about it, I felt just terrible. In part, I felt judged, but not really by them---what they said about how great that experience was became an excuse to beat myself up for missing it, as if there was anything more I could have done to make it happen (and believe me, there wasn't).
Then, there was just the hurt of it. I knew that those friends weren't trying to be boastful, but when every time you nurse you cry from pain and your baby is still starving and then you have to give her a bottle of formula anyway, then hand her off to someone else so you can go pump and get less than an ounce of milk, hearing blissed-out oxytocin filled nursing stories just stings. It wasn't my friends' fault, though. My feelings towards my nursing friends can be summed up in one very unflattering word---envy.

So no, you aren't judging. And yes, you should talk about how great this is for you. Sadly, we all have something to be envious about in others, and frankly, we are the only ones that can get over that feeling. I'd tell any nursing mom out there with friends who struggled not to censor themselves, since their friends will have to work through those feelings, anyway. If they do what you did, though---simply acknowledge, "hey, this isn't fair, I know that this is awful for you and that is no fun and I am not judging you, but wow, I'm having this great experience and I want to share it," it will go a long way.

Alias Mother

I get it, I get it. I remember being exactly there. I'm even further down the road: my Buddha is 15 months old and still breastfeeding. I started weaning her about a month ago, got down to one feeding a day, and just...can't....let...go. It's not just me; she's very attached to that feeding so I am waiting for her to become less interested. But trying to take that mental step away from being her actual, physical sustenance is so hard. Much, much harder than I thought it would be.


I posted and then remembered one last thing---once you go to solids, everything gets SO MUCH MESSIER. Everything going in, and everything coming out. :) I remember a few weeks into solids feeding thinking, it is cute watching her discover new food, but what have I done? That's one more reason to enjoy breastfeeding exclusively for a little while longer, because once you hit the messy phase, there is no turning back! Cuddling beats mopping any day!


I'm delurking to say I love this post. It is exactly how I feel about breastfeeding. I was not so successful with baby #1, but my 2nd child is a few weeks younger than Ezra and it has been fantastic this time. I'm totally with you on sticking with it and putting off cereal.


Ezra is beautiful!

My little boy (My First) is 8 months and I managed the boob thing for about 4 months. I did love it and the bonding is amazing... but I think no one prepares you for just how hard it is. The pain at the very beginning.The frustration and tears when they wont feed from you and then drink 7oz from a bottle! Trying to pump and getting a miserly 2 oz after 30 mins then spilling that 2 oz on the floor and watching the dog lick it up...gross but secretly happy that it wasn't wasted!!:)

My little fella just wasn't gaining enough weight so I started weaning at about 3 months.

Then the guilt’s about stopping!Since I’m commenting about 4 months later it obviously it still bothers me a bit. I'm glad it’s over and the bottle feeds are less way stressful, but I am looking forward to the breastfeed next baby when ever we decided to have it!

PS. If you did keep up the bf for a year you'd have to keep wearing nursing bras all that time...I’m afraid that would be a deal breaker for me. Viva la Underwire.

Lisa M

I loved breastfeeding for all the reasons you mentioned, and also, there were days (we're not going to count how many) when I was in the thick of PPD and the ONLY thing it felt like I was doing right was feeding the baby. I was convinced that I was a failure because I couldn't handle his crying, etc. But at least mah boobs could feed him. The second baby, I took Zoloft and just enjoyed breastfeeding for what it is.


If you were to start him on solids maybe he'll sleep better during the night. Maybe?


I really hope I am able to breastfeed, cause you are making it sound so wonderful! I know it only matters that the kid is getting the nutrients it needs, but I would like to experience nursing, espeacially after your post!

I am so glad it has worked out for you with Ezra, so do it as long as you both are comfortable!


FWIW, if you don't want to give him solids at four months but think six months might be too long, I think five months might be the answer for you! Who knows how you'll feel by then? I am really, really, really happy for you that you had a good experience breast feeding this time. I have done it twice and am getting ready to do it again and I am hopeful that this next time will be the time that I love it.

I think (again FWIW, God knows this is not advice) you'll know when it's time to give him solids. He's obviously doing well with just the breast milk/ occasional formula thing you have going on. Good for you.


yay for boobs! no hurry on the solids--i never understood why people jumped into feeding solids to a baby that was thriving on breastmilk. nothing you can feed him now will be nearly as nutritious as your milk. my daughter tried a few things when she was about 9 months old, but didn't really show any interest until after a year. she's 2.5 now and eats everything, in addition to my milk (which she is having now while i type with one hand).


He is just delicious! What an adorable little cherub. You nurse him as long as you want to. :)


I know it wasn't your intention, but damn, that post made me feel bad :) I'm still going through the guilt over quitting breast feeding my little guy after five days, and now I feel like I'm missing out on something, too! Seriously, though, I'm glad you are enjoying it, and more importantly, so is Ezra. Make sure you take photos of him feeding to show his future wife when they start going out first.


I weaned my first at 17 months so that I could try to get pregnant again (breastfeeding and Clomid don't mix). Like his sister, I steadfastly held off on solids until this little guy was 6 months old. I loved looking at them and thinking about how I built every ounce of them. Every tear they shed was fluid I'd supplied. Every teeny nail on every tiny toe was built with building blocks from my milk.

Now at 8 1/2 months, I am READY for my son to accept something, ANYTHING in addition to breastmilk. He hates EVERYTHING. All tastes, all textures. How many calories can I possibly supply all on my own? As it is, he nurses every 2 to 3 hours 24 hours a day. Sheesh. I'm obviously pro-breastfeeding, but never expected to have a child pretty much exclusively breastfed for so long.


That was a beautiful post. Congratulations on making such a big gorgeous guy from just your milk alone!


I am so glad you are cherishing the nursing days. They will be gone too soon, and they are precious. it really is a good to both of you. I nursed my son for 2 years and my daughter for 3, and have never regretted it.Actually, 20 years later, miss it. Plus gotta love that proclactin mellow feeling!


In my humble opinion, the longer you wait to start solids, the better. But you know what? Some people start at 4 months, some at 6, some at 9, and OMG... their babies don't die. You're the parent. You know him better than anyone else in the world. Why should it be anyone's decision but yours? You do what's best for you and that chubby cheeked adorable baby!


I actually love hearing successful breastfeeding stories. My experiene was crap and ended way too soon, but it gives me hope that I can do it if we have another child.

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