I Didn't Make My Bed Today But I Sure As Hell Will Lie In It
The Baby Who

Let's Go To The Zoo, Part Three

Oh, but God help us, we went to the zoo. Thefuckingzoo, yes.

We've been basking in downright lovely weather for a few days, and so, because I am freaking raging batshit crazy, I suggested that hey! We should take Noah to the zoo! It's free! It's outside! We'll see some animals! Get some exercise! Check in on those goddamn pandas. I'm sure the zoo no longer fucking sucks anymore, I mean: Obama. Right? Everything in DC is magical again.

Results were fairly typical. The whole place smells like poop, is STILL under construction, the pandas were sleeping, the monkeys were all sitting morosely in their cages with their sad little ape fingers hanging through the bars while assholes rapped on the glass, and a tiger roared really ferociously, usurping that one scene in 101 Dadamations where Pongo bites the bad guys as our Number One Source of Preschooler Nightmares.

I forgot to bring a real camera, but got some pretty good shots with my phone, I think.


Noah saw some elephants, which was real exciting.



(Not Pictured: the overachieving father who stood there holding up his infant's bucket car seat in the direction of the elephants, if only the poor thing's eyes were capable to focusing on indistinct grayish brownish areas [WITH POINTS!] a good 30 feet away.)

Ezra maybe saw some trees, when he ever bothered to get his face out of my bra.


(The Ergo. Wasn't sold on it at first, honestly. Too much carrier for too little baby. Now it's officially the greatest! thing! ever! especially since I could push a stroller AND drink a $4 bottle of soda AND breastfeed AND bitch about how much my feet hurt AT THE SAME TIME.)


I forget what this was supposed to be a picture of. I got distracted when Noah started screaming "I'M AT THE JOO! I LOVE THE JOO! HI JOO!" over and over.

And then we came home, and everybody took naps, and nobody died, although I think they overcharged us for parking. Best fucking joo trip yet!


Sprite's Keeper

Now that my toddler has seen Bambi, ("Bendi!") my husband wants to take her to the zoo for some up close and personal with the animals. I will show him this post and then he will shut up for another couple of months. (Overpriced parking! Admission! Sodas that cost more than a 12 pack! Less chance of naps! Bitchy wife!) Thanks in advance for the help!


I am pretty much sure that naps are mandatory after visiting the National Joo. I vaguely remember my mom always bitchin about her feet when we were there too. Oh and one time I had a chipmunk run under my potty stall when we were there.


Zoos are quite depressing. The polar bears in Central Park zoo made me sad.

Love the Bigfoot pic.

Parsing Nonsense

Sounds like a much better trip this time, though the links to your archives made me laugh something fierce. I'm so glad Noah loves the joo, and wasn't exposed to monkey monkey business. Hooray!


I nearly passed out when they told me how much parking was.

We went to see the Christmas lights. Two gorillas were going at it hard. She was happy to be on top. Parents would come up to the glass and say, "look at the gorillas playing," then they would realize what was going on and quickly stear their kids away. I, however, was laughing and taking pictures on my cell phone.

Why yes, I am a teenage boy.

Alicia Millis

ah that wasn't too bad! You should totally check out the Calgary zoo, which is no where near you, but serioulsy our zoo rocks! I can't wait to bring this fetus there, only when it is a real for living baby of course.

glad you all had fun!

mrs. depp

Okay, I don't know shit about babies, so humor me here, but my question is:

How come Ezra wasn't facing out so he could see all the shit?

Amy in StL

Somehow I'm finding it hilarious that your son was yelling how he loved the Joo! It reminds me of when my cousin couldn't pronounce the TR in truck and instead said it with an f sound. In Kmart. Loudly. He wanted one really bad.


I confess, I cringed a little when I saw that you went to the zoo. Again. But I'm glad you all survived and lived to tell about it. We will be going to the Seattle zoo for a field trip in May. I sure hope we have no construction.


Oh jeez. We're moving to NoVa (Look! I'm using the IN lingo, right? I'm a local already!) this summer and someone recently told me about the suckage at the National Zoo.

As if the real estate and traffic didn't get me down already.... Sheesh.

(Glad you survived. I always count our trips to the LA zoo as a total workout. Hills! Stairs! Chasing a toddler who suddenly is terrified of elephants and yet has been talking all morning about WANT TO SEE EPHELANTS MOMMY RIGHT NOW!)


Ha! Thanks for the Arrested Development reference. Glad the zoo was better.

Momo Fali

You just haven't seen a mom multi-task until you've seen her at the zoo.


SNORT. You crack me up. I hate zoos...they are so depressing. I'm hoping that I won't have to take my boy to the "joo." Maybe I'll save a copy of this post for future reference!


You crack me up. And I needed it. Thanks.


Wonderful, as usual.


LOVE the Ergo. It is the best. I loved it when he was Ezra's size, and now, DS is 18 months and we still love it!!! Glad you enjoyed the joo!!


What is it about the zoo? It always seems like a good idea, but even at a good zoo you just want to leave as soon as you get there. Too funny about the dad with the infant. Must be his first... those first time parents (rolling my eyes) :-)


My nephew loves peanuts, but he doesn't pronounce the "t". Cracks me up! Thanks for the blog. I'm 28 weeks with twins and you make me believe I can survive it.


My boys love the zoo, yes the National Zoo. Sadly for me, they love the bird house. Let's just say being in an area with birds flying around is not my favorite activity. Lucky for them their Dad will take them inside. Poop smell..please...boys could care less about it. They hardly even notice. Glad you all survived.


If you join the national zoo, parking is free. It might be worth the $50 investment if you want to go more often. Or if you just like the overpriced snack bar.

I'm still torn on the Ergo. Course, my kid is 12 months and 25 pounds now. I want to use it as a backpack but I haven't figured out how to do that. The creepy videos make it look so easy, but I don't believe them.

Overflowin Brain

Maybe he was saying "Jew" and really wants to convert?


Last time I went to the National Zoo was last summer. Yes, summer. I was about 6 mos. preg with my baby, and I was working as a nanny for kids ages 7, 4, and 1. Yeah.

The zoo is fuckin HOT in July. And in my pregnancy induced insanity, we stayed at the zoo until like 4pm. Which left us driving back to NoVA in rush hour. On a FRIDAY! IDIOT.

Elizabeth Kiker

Grr. I just erased my comment, and trust me, it was spectacular. (not really) Suffice it to say, zoo, commuter orangutangs, long-awaited, worth the wait. Watch out below -- they'll pee on the spectators! Also, we love the Ergo too --- soo good for snuggling.


Joo--we went to the Philly one yesterday. I took the 6 year old, 3 year old and 3 month old (first trip and all too). Walk for fifteen minutes, then one tummy hurts, one bursts into tears because we are leaving in case tummy hurt has the plague husband is at home in bed with, and 3 month old sleeps right thru it all.

Glad you had fun. membership usually has its priviledges at these places........


Our zoo serves beer in the "Bear Garden." Because sometimes it takes a cold one to endure all those screaming kids--my own included.


If you really want to do depressing and overpriced...go to the National Aquarium in DC. Yep, I'm talking about an aquarium in DC, not Baltimore. It's in the basement of the Commerce Building. THE BASEMENT. My husband and I went out of curiosity just to see what was in there. We kept asking each other where all of the little plastic bags and nets were because the place seriously looked like some sort of black market pet shop.


Walking and breastfeeding at the same time.. sounds more difficult than walking and chewing gum, for sure.


It sounds like it went better than your last zoo trip. I love the joo :)


Best evidence of a real live Yeti I have ever seen. Even on Monster Quest.


Awwww, the Joo isn't THAT bad. I actually kind of miss it. Nothing opens here on weekends till like noon...(Bible belt). Sucks when you have little ones up at the crack of ass.

Great post as always! :)

Amber Mc

I'm all excited to take my 5 month old to the zoo when it's no longer artic here in Michigan... I hope they have some sort of flashing lights or my son's not going to be that interested...


Glad this trip was better...but, next time you feel the urge for a joo trip, head to NC. We have an incredible joo.


Your joo is free? We have to pay to get into the Atlanta Joo.


I'm with Dana on the overpriced, freaky ass aquarium. DC should be ashamed of that place! I went thinking, the Baltimore aquarium is awesome, DC is far more awesome than Baltimore so their aquarium must ROCK! Hoo boy was that a reality check. I think we hit the Holocaust museum that same day too. Talk about a depressing (on different spectrums of course) day!


The joo is free?! Entry to our joo (the Adelaide Joo, South Australia) costs a bucketload!


Oh. My. God.
I clicked on a link at The Cautionary Tale and found you. How did I not have this wonderful blog to get me through the hellish work days before this? You blog is absolutely hilarious and your style of writing is spot on to my kind of humor. I read back a few posts, but let's be real I do have a job - so I can't be sitting here reading your archives all day - even though I would love to. So thanks for being sassy and hilarious and being brave enough to joke about drinking a bottle of vodka while potty training! Classic!

Thanks again for the laughs.


I am actually one of those mascochist parents who love the joo. I go sometimes even without the kids (although, then I feel guilty). We go to the Cincy joo, though and totally believe it to be the best joo ever!

Also, my daughter calls it the Bazoo. We love that and make jokes about playing the kazoo at the bazoo and seeing the baboons at the bazoo. (Behind her back of course, we don't want her to get a complex.)


oh, but there are tiny golden tamarind monkeys running around free in the treetops at the National Zoo. Also, cheetahs. And buffalo who will rbrmwaaaaooo and roll on their backs in the dust with all four legs in the air, if they get hot, at the National Zoo. So nice!
Just think if you got Noah making the noise of the buffalo. What could be better?


A free zoo? I'm so jealous.

And I can kind of relate to the dad holding the infant seat up. I took Cam to the zoo when she was only 4 or so months old, simply to have an excuse to go.

Oh, and my daughter is obsessed with elephants, so she loves the shot of Noah watching them.


@Alicia: Because the boobs are inside the shirt.

Also, after reading this, I totally YouTubed the Jerry McGuire scene and I think when my yet-to-be-born (or, hell, even conceived) chilluns ask to go to the zoo, my response will be: The fuckin' zoo's closed, Ray.

I hate the zoo. Hate. In fact, I broke up with a boyfriend for taking me there on a date. For Valentine's Day. Seriously? Seriously.


Whoops. I meant @mrs depp. Sorry :)


I'd love to know why, at the National Joo, every frickin' thing is uphill from wherever you're currently at. Everything. That's my main complaint with the place.

Of course, husband and son both love it.

Ms, Martyr

But, but, what about the BALL???


I was at the National Zoo this weekend too! Pretty popular destination for these warm days. Best animals ever = Red Pandas. And we saw a Chimpanzee snacking on poop, as the crowds jeered and pointed. Lovely.


Aw the joo! How effing sweet!

The comments to this entry are closed.