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January 2009
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March 2009

Let's Go To The Zoo, Part Three

Oh, but God help us, we went to the zoo. Thefuckingzoo, yes. We've been basking in downright lovely weather for a few days, and so, because I am freaking raging batshit crazy, I suggested that hey! We should take Noah to the zoo! It's free! It's outside! We'll see some animals! Get some exercise! Check in on those goddamn pandas. I'm sure the zoo no longer fucking sucks anymore, I mean: Obama. Right? Everything in DC is magical again. Results were fairly typical. The whole place smells like poop, is STILL under construction, the pandas were sleeping, the monkeys were all sitting morosely in their cages with their sad little ape fingers hanging through the bars while assholes rapped on the glass, and a tiger roared really ferociously, usurping that one scene in 101 Dadamations where Pongo bites the bad guys as our Number One Source of Preschooler Nightmares. I forgot to bring a real camera, but got some pretty good shots with my phone, I think. Noah saw some elephants, which was real exciting. (Not Pictured: the overachieving father who stood there holding up his infant's bucket car seat in the direction of the elephants, if only the poor... Read more →

I Didn't Make My Bed Today But I Sure As Hell Will Lie In It

So we bought a new bed. This is easily the most exciting news to hit our little household, at least since the last time I created an entirely new family member in my uterus. Our little double bed has always been one of those things we preferred complaining about to actually, you know, sacking up and solving the problem, but now with a dog and a cat and a baby and a really very pointy three-year-old, plus two adults with at least seven old injuries from times we got drunk and fell down sports, and...let's see, carry the one and multiply by my need for extra pillows...HOLY SHIT, did we ever need a bigger bed. We sold some stuff on Craigslist to raise money for the purchase (we follow this guy's plan for household budgeting and wow, it really works!), including our elliptical trainer that has sat unused since it failed to bring on real, actual labor like I wanted it to. Goddamn useless piece of junk. There's something kind of embarassing about a young, super-in-shape guy arriving at your house with a fat envelope of cash for your exercise equipment -- he hauled that thing down a hallway and... Read more →

Writing Checks Your DVD Collection Can't Cash

Or, Why I Didn't Post Yesterday So. For the record, Noah has been successfully potty-trained since the summer. At least, in one -- ahem -- aspect of the undertaking. The second -- cough -- aspect has been kind of a no-go, and my word, am I making a lot of unintentional puns already. POOP. I AM TALKING ABOUT POOP. This is, apparently, super-normal, and considering the kid lives on a diet of bread, cheese, milk and bananas, we had Bigger Issues to worry about. Bigger Issues I have no interest in documenting, except to say that constipation + stubbornness = honey child, I don't give a shit (bwah!) WHERE you go, JUST GO ALREADY. Recently, however, we've gotten that situation under control, and were simply waiting for Noah to decide when Noah is ready, one of the biggest loads of crap (bwah! hah!) we've ever been told about potty training. (I know, I know. Some kids just wake up one day and decide to do it and everything works perfectly and the blessed angels sing and these kids' mothers become insufferable bores about the whole thing, what with the respecting of the delicate little bottom business and desires of the... Read more →

Breathe In, Breathe Out

My phone rang on Saturday at the exact wrong time for the phone to ring. Screaming baby, whining preschooler, misplaced shoes and house keys and that stupid plastic Piston Cup that has suddenly become the most beloved and cherished toy in the world, although apparently not beloved and cherished enough to NOT CONSTANTLY BE LOST. I let the call go to voice mail. When Jason's phone rang a few seconds later, I froze. "It's your mom," he said. But I already knew that. I grabbed the phone and fumbled with it for a bit -- my palms had gone completely clammy -- and heard nothing but my mother's sobs. The room began to spin and my heart dropped into my shoes and I took two stumbling steps towards the step between the foyer and living room. I'd been standing next to a nice upholstered bench, but for some reason the step looked like a better option. Like if I heard the news while closer to the floor there would be less of a chance that I'd hurt myself when I went into a full-on slide-to-the-floor meltdown. The news was bad, but it was not That Bad News. He was alive,... Read more →