Your Turn
February 20, 2009
I'm kind of blue. But I'm kind of not in the mood to talk about it. Yet. (Everything's totally fine, though, promise. Just motherhood and worry and my sweet little Noah and my stupid little feeeeeeeeelings but I think it's better if I just shut up about it, for once, for now.)
But still. I'm sad, a little.
Say something funny.
UNDERPANTS!
What, don't you find that word inherently funny?
A 3-legged dog walks into a bar and says "somebody shot my paw."
I know, terrible. Really really awful, but it's all I could think of on such short notice.
My cell phone had been missing since Jan 12. I found it on Wednesday! I found it in my purse.
I have the flu and a new puppy...let the good times roll.
Feel better. Sorry I am out of funny stuff
I watched Wordplay, a documentary about Will Shortz and the New York Times crossword puzzle last night (I'm a fan. Of the film, the man, and the puzzles.) and one of the puzzle constructors was talking about how words in the puzzle must past the "Sunday morning over breakfast test" and therefore, he couldn't use words like urine or enema.
Then he said, "and do you know how many times URINE would have gotten me out of a corner? and how many great letters are in ENEMA?"
Two women are having a conversation about the upcoming birthday for one of them.
Woman #1: What do you think your husband will get you for your birthday?
Woman #2: Well, he'll send roses, that's a given.
Woman #1: You don't like roses?
Woman #2: It's not that. He just has certain 'expectations' when he sends roses, and I don't feel like being on my back for the next three days with my legs in the air.
Woman #1: Don't you have a vase?
Ba dum dum!
What kind of bee has milk?
A Boo-Bee
Feel better.
It's friday? *pours Amy a tall glass of icy white wine* Wine always makes everything better.
I swore I would never do something like whore out my site, (Oh, who am I kidding?) but click onto my handle and head over to my blog. Today's Spin Cycle is all about laughter. Maybe some of the linked posts would cheer you up? Hope you smile!
I'm not so good at funny-on-command, but your other readers are, so go back and read the geese comments on your April 3,2006 post (yes, I looked it up - lame, I know). You can't help but laugh.
Go here:
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
They have passive aggressive cakes today, hysterical!
How about the fact that my new laptop is a UK one and the @ key is not above the 2. Which has caused me to use the backspace key more than normal. Also related, shift keys not where I'm used to either.
Ok that was kinda lame. And took me far to long to type. :)
Try this!
Oh, that didn't work... try going here! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU
Two pee stories!
Once my fiance peed on our (now) two year old cat, Lilly. It was hillarious not only because he peed on her but the look on his face when he realised what was about to happen.
Our kitten James once peed on his own head. We don't know quite how he did it, but by george he did it.
I'm thinking of implanting a jingle bell inside my scrotum because I think it would be cool to jingle when I walk.
I'm not so funny myself, but I about peed my pants last night reading this pizza coupon story, so if you haven't read it yet, do: http://www.sundrymourning.com/2009/02/19/wove-sweet-wove/
Wallow a while...it's good to indulge it every now and then. You'll bounce back!
These darned kids - why can we not order models that come with Worry Free options?
Not funny, but mildly entertaining - I did do a post about Handbags yesterday. I asked Jodi to do handbags in addition to her Shoe Friday and she suggested I do it myself instead. So I have added another accessorized day o' the week. At a minimum, the Miss Piggy quote should make you smile.
Sorry you are feeling blue. :-(
knock knock
who's there?
repeat
repeat who?
who who who!
knock knock
who's there?
adam
adam who?
adam if i do and adam if i don't!
knock knock
who's there?
boo
boo who?
don't cry. it's only a joke!
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. He orders a drink.
As the bartender pours, he says "I just can't help but notice, sir, that you have something sticking out of your pants. What is that all about?"
"Arrrrgh, I dunno," says the pirate, "but it be drivin' me nuts!"
I went to bed last night in yoga pants and a tshirt. I woke up this morning with the tshirt tossed on the floor and my yoga pants scrunched all the way up around my middle.
Yeah, I slept alone last night and apparently tried to turn my yoga pants into a jumpsuit.
@Margo - ROFL! I'm truly sorry you were without your phone for so long, but to find it in your purse? I'm glad I'm not the only one who does stuff like that!
What's long an brown and sticky?
A stick!
Ha Ha Ha!
What's long and brown and sticky?
Apologies in advance:
why did the chicken cross the playground?
...to get to the other slide.
HAR! Hope you feel less blue.
Why do mice have small balls?
Not many of them know how to dance.
This morning my four year old showed up at my bedside, per his normal routine, completely naked. He had taken off his pajamas and Pull-Up in the middle of the night for some inexplicable reason and decided to sleep naked. And it's only funny because he didn't pee the bed!
I'm sorry you're sad. I'm sad too, so I have nothing.
The morning radio show I listen to does phone taps that are quite funny. You can find some of the taps at the bottom of this page http://z100.elvisduran.com/pages/meettheshow/.
My husband makes my 6-month old son mosh/dance to Romeo Voids "I might like you better if we slept together". We all co-sleep.
If you haven't fallen in love with these yet, the failblog youtube channel never fails me for a good laugh (try animal identification fail, clown car fail, and scare fail for starters), and www.fmylife.com is painful in a funny way-- like the embarrassing stories page in Seventeen magazine but with more sex. I hope you feel better soon, Amy.
What's long and brown and sticky?
A Stick!
Ha!
Comic relief brought to you by Demetri Martin:
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'"
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?"
"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"
http://shoeboxblog.com is always pretty hilarious.
So sorry -- at least it is Friday. A weekend snuggling with your family is perfect!
The joke my husband always tells when I'm cranky... Totally inappropriate, but it always makes me laugh when I'm crying.
It's the 1940s, and Pierre the French Fighter Pilot and his girlfriend Marie are walking through the fields in southern France. They sit down for a romantic picnic.
Pierre pulls out a bottle of red wine, opens it with flourish, splashes it all over Marie's lips and begins to kiss her.
Marie pulls away. "Pierre! What are you doing!"
Pierre says, "I am Pierre, ze French Figher Pilot! And when I have red meat, I must have red wine!"
Ooh la la, they keep kissing. Things start to get hot and heavy.
Pierre reaches into his bag, grabs a bottle of white wine. He rips open Marie's blouse and splashes white wine all over her chest.
"Pierre!!" shrieks Marie. "What are you doing?!"
"I am Pierre!" he replies. "And when I have white meat, I always have white wine!" he replies gruffly.
Ooh la la. Things are really getting steamy on the picnic blanket.
Suddenly, Pierre pulls away. He rips off Marie's skirt. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a bottle of brandy. He douses Marie in brandy and lights the pool of alcohol on fire.
"PIERRE! WHAT ZE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" screams Marie.
"I am Pierre!! Ze French Fighter Pilot!! And when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"
I give you the first "dirty" joke I ever heard...
Two old ladies were sitting on a bench smoking Camels.
One lady pulls out a pack of condoms and the other lady asks "What are those?"
"Condoms."
"Well what are they for?"
"Um... they are cigarette holders."
"Fabulous! Where can I get some?"
"Any drugstore."
The next day the second old lady goes into the drugstore and asks to purchase a package of condoms. The man behind the counter asks what size she needs and she replies
"Big enough for a camel."
The Uncler...
(way better than it sounds)
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/0d308ebcbb/the-uncler-w-uncle-sam-and-alyssa-milano
while changing my 7 week old's diaper today every time i picked up his leg to wipe, he farted. it was like some sort of comedy skit.
My name is Victoria, people call me Vicki.
I have a 6 year old daughter and yesterday while we were vegged out on the couch she exclaimed out of the blue to no one in particular--"You can't have Vicki without icky!"
....I know, you had to be there!
It's okay to be sad, it makes happy feel so much better!
http://www.fmylife.com/ never fails to make me laugh (if you like laughing at other people's mysery that is).
What's ET short for?
Because he's got little legs!
Yeah, I know, but it's my favourite joke.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road
and now smile :0)
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
25 Signs You Have Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sans ropas in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save Your sorry old ass.
In light of your lactation appreciation post, I linked to something you might like.
Also, since potty humor is always a winner.... My 7-month old has a cough and diarrhea and when the poor thing coughs, she soils her diaper. My punny husband diagnosed her with Pooping Cough.
Yesterday was my 40th birthday. I logged on to Facebook and found birthday greetings not only from my friends but also from Facebook itself. Over on the sidebar was an ad asking "are you depressed?"
Went out and partied until 8pm. Woo-hoo.
Got up this morning and realized I am out of coffee.
Special times.
There are no words for this one. I can't decide if it is the best thing ever or the creepiest -
http://www.likecool.com/The_Sleeping_Bear--Outdoor--Home.html
Oh, I love bad jokes. OK, my turn...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants," and the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
Ah ha ha! Love that one. Hope you're feeling better soon.
Here's something that everyone I know finds terrribly amusing but I just think is terrible:
So I'm planning my wedding and my mother has developed a hard-on for crabcakes, even though they are rediculously out of my price range. She wants to cut people from the already cut down list in order to make this happen.
Punchline:
I AM ALLERGIC TO CRAB.
GRILLED CHEESE!
(what? It worked for Ezra, right?)
I have found that you can run through the whole "Who's on First" skit with a 4-year-old, without them even knowing what you're doing.
Two for Noah:
knock knock
who's there?
panther
panther who?
panther no panth, I'm going thwimming!
(this one makes me laugh hysterically every time, you just gotta come in quickly with that MOO)
knock knock
who's there?
interrupting cow
interrupting cow w--
MOOOOO!
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.
I can't believe someone else told my pirate joke before me! Sorry, I should have read through all of the comments first.
I'm still laughing at the mice with small balls joke. Hee!
GRILLED CHEEEEESSEEE!!!!!
This is one of my favorite jokes: A man and woman are in dire straits and the wife turns to prostitution to help the family out. A few days later, she comes home with $400.10. The man says, "Who gave you a dime?" to which she replies, "EVERYBODY!" :D
My second son is about the age of Noah, and guess what... he has recently started to play guitar.. naked. One guess for what he is using as a guitar? Seriously! O the proud moments of motherhood (is it bad that I desperately want to video this for future blackmail?) - PS feel better
So I've been reading the comments trying to think of something funny but holy crap the more I read the less funny I feel! THANKS A LOT! Now I'm a little sad too...
Hope you perk up soon!
Go to YouTube, look up "david after the dentist."
I just opened my account on Facebook about 3 weeks ago. I haven't done a thing with it yet. Only logged in the one time. Yesterday my BF from high school who I haven't seen or talked to (or known where she was) in about 20 years emailed me.
Hmmm, seems only fair I'd have something to make YOU laugh since you've been providing ME with hilarity for 4 years. Wow, can't believe it's been 4 years! Something funny is that I waited outside the coffee place where you had your Sleep is for the Weak signing for a while because I was so nervous. Because you were a celebrity. My boyfriend had to like FORCE me inside. So that's kind of funny, right?!
Mekka-lekka hi mekka hiney ho!
After our daughter was born, we tried to explain the anatomical differences to our 4 year old when he asked while we were changing her diaper. Soon after, Grandma came through the door and my son yelled, "Grandma! Boys have peanuts and girls have china!"
Ok, until about two weeks ago my husband thought that jackalopes were real. When I told them they weren't he refused to believe me until he looked it up on Wiki. He's 33 years and and he thought there was such a thing as rabbits with horns on their heads.
FWIW, my oldest child has high-functioning autism and I can't even count the time his issues and my worries about them have thrown me into a tailspin of the blues. Parenting an exceptional child is exceptional and awesome and wonderful but it can also be a huge kick in the pants some days.
Here's a joke I wrote whne I was in 3rd grade:
Why are bicycles slower than cars?
Because they're always two tired!
Sdaly, my sense of humor has not necessarily matured beyond that point.
Best laugh I've had in awhile. Especially since I parent a toddler.
http://tinyartdirector.blogspot.com
One time, I fell off the toilet and bit my husband on the ass on the way down on accident.
Most people think that's funny. Except my husband.
So sorry you're feeling blue today Amy. Here's two of my favorite jokes:
Two peanuts are walking down the street and one of them was assaulted (a salted).
That one is so much better said aloud.
Q: Where does the queen keep her armies?
A: In her sleevies!
OMG! Are you dying of laughter yet?
This is my favorite site for laughs when I am down.
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
My two year old son likes to get dressed in the morning to Beyonce. He dances while he sings along with "all the single wadies, all the single wadies." It always puts a smile on my face!
This isn't funny, but will probably bring a smile to your face -- there are 2 lbs. of D&M coffee making their way to your house at this very moment.
I'm working from home today and got up at the crack of dawn to get some work done before the kids got up.
Sitting in the kitchen waiting for my coffee to hurry the fuck up wishing I was still in bed.
Then I heard my husband fart from all the way down the hall. I was suddenly glad I didn't pick today as the day to try to hide out in bed.
A guy was taking a truck load of penguins to the zoo, but his truck broke down a mile from the zoo. He flagged a guy with a pick-up truck and says to the driver, "Hey buddy, my truck broke down. I will give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo." The pick-up driver says, "Sure!"
Hours later, the guy sees the pick-up full of penguins on the road, nowhere near the zoo. He flags down the driver again and says, "Buddy! I paid you $100 bucks to take these penguins to the zoo HOURS ago. It was only a mile! What happened?"
The pick-up driver says, "I had money left over so we're goin' to the movies."
I was peeing at work yesterday and someone stepped into the restroom and shut off the light!
You're sad?? Have you tried Prozac? What about Zoloft? I hear Celexa is good - or Lexapro. Perhaps some Ginko? Or maybe some St. John's Wort? Oh wait, you know, maybe just some sunlights? Or hey, how about some ECT? I hear it's making a comeback...
Sorry, just picking up on the last time when you said you can't be sad without the Internet giving you a bunch of assvice. :)
I just got spam from AARP. I just turned 35.
Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out, "Marco."
The man's name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, "the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation."
Police found the suspect after he responded, "Polo."
My sweet five-month-old is learning to bite my nipples off. She thinks it's hilarious.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night making myself snacks; sometimes I just wake up the next morning with Saltines all over the bed.
when ever my husband leaves on deployment i always turn to my bff katt williams.i come home and watch him on youtube and life gets a little better.
(These are much better if they're read aloud.)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSSSSSHHHH!
What do you call a blind deer?
No-eyed deer!
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no-eyed deer!
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on your front porch?
Matt!
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a lady with no arms and legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy.
What do you call a lady with only one leg?
Eileen.
Where does Eileen work?
IHOP!
So two women were bickering at one another and then woman 1 said, "listen...I just want to be your friend." Woman 2 turned to her, gave her a nasty look and said, "If I wanted a friend like you...I'd sqat down and sqeeze (shit) one out."
http://littera-abactor.livejournal.com/7748.html
This made me laugh out loud while my brother was hospitalized with BRAIN CANCER. And then I called and read it to him and he laughed too. So you know it has to be funny.
Q: What do you call cheese that does not belong to you.
A: Nacho cheese!
Also: http://catsinsinks.com/
Two guys walked into a bar...the third one ducked.
My best friend and I are filming a video about our signature drink this weekend: a chocolate milkshake mixed with vanila vodka in a martini glass that's been rimmed in bbq sauce, and garnished with a McNugget. We call it the McNuggitini...and we think it's going to make us famous. If THAT's not funny, I don't know what is. Hope the idea of two skinny bitches in cocktail dresses drinking meat-garnished drinks makes you feel better.
One of my 2.75 twin boys pooped in the tub for the first time this week while my husband was away on a business trip:
http://jonandlaura.blogspot.com/2009/02/inevitable-poop-in-tub-story.html
Question: What do you do if you're born with 2 bellybuttons?
Answer: Send one to the naval reserves!
What is "smoreplay?"
Wait for it.....
Wait for it.....
It's what Smurfs do before they smuck.
They're blue too :D
Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Ididup
You: Ididup who?
Me: HAHAHAHA!
(My 7 year old cousin taught me that one, now my most favourite joke!)
My sister, a broke college student at the time (still broke, but now she works), was buying a bed off craigslist. Yes, a bed. Eww, I know. That's not even the funny part.
When she went to pick it up, she's inspecting it, and the guy selling it is like, "It's great ...really ... I never had any problems with it." WTF? It's not a freaking Toyota! What kind of problems would it have?!? LOL.
I still thinking of the poor bed, broken down on the side of the road ...
If you want to feel better wait for a telemarketer to call and then hand the phone to Noah. When I saw the "UNKNOWN NAME" pop up I said "Rowan! I think it's Cookie Monster!" She proceeded to have a nice conversation with the telemarketer who vehemently denied being cookie monster. Rowan told "Cookie Monster's friend" to call back when she was done coloring because she "had more important fings to do". It brought me so much joy I teared up.
Feel Better!
I live in Canada, eh?
And the tv is showing these really funny commercials advertising the KY product "mine & yours." While at the Walmart I found said product for a reasonable price, bought it home, used it, and put the outside packaging in the recycling bin. My 8 year old empties the bin as part of his chores, and came back in from the garage with the box in his hand and shouted, "Hey, who bought mine and yours!". Would have been less funny if my kitchen would not have contained the pastor's wife.
This joke's not as funny as the fact that my GRANDMA told it to me:
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her!
Have you tried The Onion or the Fail Blog? Those two are my tried and true Internet picker-uppers.
I hope you're feeling more yourself soon! =)
(this needs to be read out loud)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSSSSHHHHHH!
I know how you feel. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, I hate when people say that. How about {{{Hugs}}} and I hope it gets better.
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gVpCEw9uLM
2. Backstory: The woman who portrays Death (about 2 minutes in) got tired of waiting for them to finish the first part of the video, so she started doing shots. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pC3VJA_CB8
That's all I've got, but they always cheer me up.
This is funny strange, not funny haha. A guy came up to me at the bar Saturday night (Valentines Day no less) and "tried" to hit on me by using the line "Did we sleep together last week? Cuz I meant to call you!"
My mom, who watches my son, sent me an email this morning that my son had squeezed a tube of toothpaste all over her cat. When I called to ask how everyone was, she informed me that everyone is fine, and that the cat is minty fresh.
Just click this. You will laugh a lot. http://abstrusegoose.com/
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Damn!
(it took me forever to get this joke the first time my husband told it to me.)
Hope you are feeling happier soon!
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????