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Your Turn

I'm kind of blue. But I'm kind of not in the mood to talk about it. Yet. (Everything's totally fine, though, promise. Just motherhood and worry and my sweet little Noah and my stupid little feeeeeeeeelings but I think it's better if I just shut up about it, for once, for now.)

But still. I'm sad, a little.

Say something funny.



One time.......at band camp


Watch this very dark and not so good quality video (http://flickr.com/photos/calvo/2417760218/) but it will make you laugh.

My dog Cooper is a music critic. He dislikes a few bands and a few commercials -- Empire rug and Charlestown Races and Slots.

Hope this makes you laugh or least smile!!


don't know how funny this is-
monday i got to work with my shirt on in-side out.
tuesday i got to work with my shirt on backwards
wednesday i forgot my shirt....

Okay wed wasn't true, but mon & tuesday was. So embarressing.

sending hugs & good thoughts to you.

Lisa Ann

Q: what do you call a dog with no legs?

A: doesn't matter, not going to come to you anyway.


I heard this story from someone who was on a University's judicial board, and it's one of my new favorites:

Two guys were roommates in the dorm and as different as two guys could be--one was a super jock and the other was a goth kid. You can see where this is going, right? Yep, they totally fell for each other!

So, they've got a thing going on, all is right with the world, until the day that their sex toy fell from their window to the tree directly below their room. They start freaking out about people tracing the toy back to
their room and figuring out that they are having sex with each other, so they run outside to try to figure out how to get the toy out of the tree.

The guys try to shake the tree; no luck. Then one decides to get some rolls of toilet paper, figuring that he could throw them AT the toy and knock it
down. That doesn't work either. So, these boys, students attending a Big Ten University (supposedly educated), decide that the best line of action

Because burning a tree located next to a dorm is a brilliant way to cover up your sex life.

And also, no one will ever find out about your tryst once you've committed arson. Except the police. And the school's judicial board. And maybe your
parents. And your Resident Advisor. And, most likely, your entire dorm. Way to go, guys. *slow clap*


I have a 9 year old son from my first marriage. I am now married again, to a man I met at my son's school (NO SLEAZY STORY there). We are expecting our 2nd child, first child TOGETHER. The other day my son and I stop by to add something to our baby registry that I forgot the other day, and when the lady asked for my last name, I said, "Melton. M-e-l-t-o-n". My son adds, "Yeah, it was Hain, H-a-i-n, until she had to go and marry my 1st grade teacher!"....WTF?!??


A man walks into a Shrink's office, completely naked, entirely wrapped in Saran Wrap.

The Shrink takes one look at the man and says,

"Clearly, I can see your nuts."


Two men walk into a bar. The third one is smarter and ducks.

Feel better SOON. These lame-o jokes are killing us! xoxo


My five year old came home from nursery school yesterday and said that one of the boys in his class called one of the girls Dr. Poopypants. He cracked up into hysterical giggles every time I said Dr. Poopypants. Give it a try, it will make you feel ridiculous.


Did you know that Dolly Parton recently bought three grocery store chains? She bought Big Star, Piggly Wiggly and Harris Teeter. She's going to change the name of them to Big Wiggly Teeters.


When my youngest son was first learning to use the potty, he came out of the bathroom one day with his little boy parts sticking up out of his inadequately-pulled-up PullUp.

So I say to him, "Buddy, tuck in your penis."

He looks at me seriously. Then he looks down at himself. And then he takes his finger and pokes his parts back in, and says (still looking at it), "Good night. Sleep tight."

Just a little literal, that one.


True Story: When I was about 8 or 9, my dad made a joke about a Russian recipe called "Fish Balls in Tomato Sauce with Prunes." Last year (18 freaking years later), I finally realized that when he said fish balls, he actually mean pieces of the fish shaped into balls.



start at the beginning and read all the archives. so hilarious!


You've seen this, right?

He'll save children, but not the British children.

I mean, come on.

living with lindsay

I just bribed my son with a toy at the store if he would just be calm while I got my shopping done. Again. For like the 5th time this week.


Wait, how about this?

Husband: I want to give you a compliment.


H: You used to not sleep with a top sheet, but now you do, and I know it's because of me.

Me: ??? That's not a compliment.

H: Well, I just wanted you to know I appreciate it.

Me: I sleep with a top sheet now because we have awesome new sheets, and really, I just don't care.


Me: Wait, let me give you a compliment. You used to not listen to Wilco before I met you, and now you do. (Laughing uncontrollably.) YOU'RE WELCOME!
(More laughing.)

H: Whatever.

(Begin big ol' fight. ABOUT A TOP SHEET.)


The ho-testants on Rock of Love Skank Bus think Bret Michaels is hot.

Laughing yet?


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, sitting on the end of a tree branch?





The ho-tesants on Rock of Love Skank Bus think Bret Michaels is hot.

Laughing yet?


My son was being pretty funny. Hope you feel better.


1) Did I ever tell you about the time I was peeing and my (then) two year old pointed at my, uh, "production" and exclaimed, "Juice!"?

2) I met a woman this past weekend whose daughter is four and three-quarters. [I'm going to skip the story that leads up to this:] Her preschool teacher writes her a card which says, "Congratulations! You are four and three-quarters!" And the next day, the woman's daughter asks her, "Mommy, I can't remember. Am I four and three quarters or four and three pennies?"


This web site always makes me laugh.



Booger, booger, fart, fart, weiner.


something funny!

ok, ok, here's a dumb joke. did you hear about the courderoy pillows? they are making all the head lines.


Being a male member of the species, I can say this with full intent and emphasis.

I cannot wait to go home tonight and play with my Wii.

I love playing with my Wii.

My fiance loves playing with my Wii too, though sometimes she's FAR less gentle with my Wii than I wish she would be.

My Wii is delicate, yanno?


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around,scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been ircumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


delurking to send you a link to what may be the funniest thing i have ever read on the internets:


i almost had a "treatment effect" while i read it.

p.s. i've got the "today marks the half-way point of my pregnancy" sads for some reason... so i'm with you.

all things BD

I went to rent movies today, and the counter guy said I was remarkably well preserved, as my birth year was 1912 in their computer. After asking me what the correct year was, 1971, he looked at me and choked out a "wow, uh, still...". Flattery = FAIL.

Springsteen fan

Do you know what Perez Hilton calls Octomom? Octop*ssy. I fell down laughing at that one, I must say.


So, I'm a nanny. And the 4 year old girl with whom I spend my time is the most interesting person to be around. Yesterday she told me she had paperwork to do.
"Boring paperwork," she said. "I hate paperwork! But I have to do it because no one likes me."
Hearing this broke my heart.
"Why would you think people don't like you?"
"Oh," she said. "Because I eat babies. Well, no, I don't really eat them, I just catch them."
"Of course," I said.

Also, have you seen the sneezing panda? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzRH3iTQPrk

Or the dancing gecko? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2aEOrKuzS8

Or the hedgehog eating a carrot?

Feel better!


my favorite joke of all time:

Q:What do old people smell like?

A: ...Depends...


A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "Say - why the long face?"


I went speed dating a little while ago because I was convinced it was basically my last chance to meet boys who weren't in my department at my university.

The next week I met like eighty gajillion guys. One of them now calls me his concubine.

That's funny, ish, right?


Back when I was in grad school, I briefly left the Catholic church (in which I was raised, half-heartedly, by my parents) to attend a fundamentalist, Bible-based nondenominational church.

This drove my mom insane. She complained about me "not being Catholic" anymore, and didn't understand why I didn't want to be Christian.

So during a car ride once, I tried to explain I was still a Christian.

"There's lots of different denominations of Christianity, Mom. There's the Methodists, the Presbyterians, Episcopalians--"

"And the Jews!" my mom piped up, obviously trying to contribute.

"Uh...no, Mom, Jews aren't Christian."

"They're NOT??"

"No, see, they don't believe that Christ was the Messiah--"

"Why on earth DON'T they?"

To this day I still can't believe my mom thought Jews were Christians. Then again, she also thought the Torah was the Muslim bible.


Grant's Mommy

Had a "big" U/S Monday (31 weeks but big because I was shiped to a high risk center) so having U/S monday both babies show they are girls(of course 5 girls now) Baby A would show her face (with B kicking her head) Baby B nope no face shots only shot we could capture giving us the middle finger repediatly!!!!!


Going on the theory that child-related humor cures child-related sadness, here are two cute things my 14 month old twins have done recently:
1) Graham likes to offer to share whatever he is eating/drinking/chewing on with me. We still breastfeed. I think you see where this is going.
2) When Henry is really happy to see me, he grabs my face, laughs, and then blows raspberries and licks my nose at the same time.


@Amy (another one) who recommended the pizza coupon story at http://www.sundrymourning.com/2009/02/19/wove-sweet-wove/)... The funniest thing on that page is what she says about who hogs the bed... and bukkake!

@Amy Storch: I don't have a favorite joke. Here is my husband's: A bear and a rabbit were taking a walk in the woods. The bear has to take a shit. He says to the rabbit, 'Hey,...

Oh, god, this is why I don't tell jokes. The punchline has to do with shit sticking to somebody's fur. And then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. The End! Thank GOD.


I was picking up my middle son, Jeff, from school one day and all of sudden he yells, "HEY! That tree is growing meatballs!" (It was a fig tree.) This same child insisted on being a meatball for Halloween a few months later.


My mom's motto since her divorce from my father, its funny...

Life is all about ass, you are either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one.........or you use to live with one.


I can't dress myself anymore. I consistently put my underpants on wrong side out. I've also started putting my shirts on backwards and/or inside out. I have to double check my clothes every day to make sure I'm not making a fool of myself.


Instead of wetwipes I've accidentally grabbed the CLOROX BLEACH WIPES when on the toilet this week. TWICE. My butt is bleachy clean.


Since there was pee mentioned earlier... At our wedding, one of the bridesmaids and her idiot boyfriend were staying with us (before not wedding night!) Our ornery old cat, who I guess was a good judge of character, PEED in his suitcase! Ha!

Parsing Nonsense

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

---Because he sucks!

I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! Doc, what's wrong with me?

---You're just two tents (say this one out loud)

Amy Evangeline

Why did the little boy bubble follow the little girl bubble in the bathtub?

He wanted to see her bust.


Insanity Hotline:

"Hello, and welcome to the Insanity Hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you.

If you are menopausal, please hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.


Back in Jan, when you posted about your New Years resolution to not worry and complain so much about your kids, I kept meaning to leave you a comment to say that I honestly hope you don't. Really, I have such a hard time understanding and relating to the moms who have blogs about how perfect and wonderful their kids are and don't talk at all about fears or struggles or wanting to run from the house screaming. It sounds like maybe you're hesitant to post b/c you don't want to complain, so I thought I'd throw that out there. As far as what puts me in a better mood, I find it hard to be sad after watching The Soup on E.


My mom's motto since she divorced my father...its funny...

Life is all about ass, you are either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one.........or you use to live with one.

Amy K

Q. Who's Irish and lives on your back porch?

A. Patty O'Furniture

(courtesy of Laffy Taffy)


I thought this comic was pretty funny:



I just read your blog from the other day and it made me totally MISS breastfeeding my girls. Everything you said was so true. I didn't stop nursing Rylie until she was 15 months.

But anyway, considering both of your entries, I have a little story for you. When Rylie was really little I just had to look at her funny and she'd laugh. I had to be careful when I was nursing because she'd stop and when I'd look down at her she'd giggle and spit the entire mouthful out everywhere. The only time I could watch her was when she didn't notice!


Apologies in advance...

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" and the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Doug?"


A pirate walks into a bar, and the barkeep says "Excuse me, cap'n, but did you know that you've got your ship's wheel stuck in your pantaloons?"

"Aye," says the pirate, "that thing be drivin' me nuts! Aaargh!"

Oh, and we love you, much:)



Backpacking Dad

Total Eclipse--The Dan Band

"Turnaround, every now and then i get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round

Turnaround, every now and then i get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears

Turnaround, every now and then i get a little bit nervous that the best of all my years have gone by

Turnaround, every now and then i get a little bit terrified
and then i see the FUCKIN' look in your eyes

Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then i fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, FUCKIN' every now and then i fall apart

And i need you now tonight
i FUCKIN' need you more than ever

And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together

We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all the time

SHIT I don't know what to do and i'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
FORFUCKINEVER's gonna start to...night."


Here is my favorite joke...

Why don't Cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

Hope your blue turns to pink soon!

Sparkling Red

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

That one always cheers me up.


From back in Dec. when we were having snow days:

A little old lady listens to the radio and hears that the Public Works department is asking people to park on the odd-numbered side of the road today so that they can plow the snow. So she parks her car on the odd-numbered side of the road.

The next day, she hears hears that they are asking people to park on the even-numbered side of the road so that the Public Works dept can plow. So she parks her car on the even-numbered side of the road.

On the third day, she listens for instructions, but just as the radio announces which side of the street to park on, there's a burst of static and she doesn't hear properly. "Perhaps," says her husband, "today you could just leave the car in the garage."


The chicken and the egg are in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, satisfied look on its face. The egg is clearly pissed off. It says to the chicken "Well. I guess we answered THAT question, now didn't we?"


Although I had my son four months ago, bladder incontinence (sp?) continues to be an issue...I peed my pants while doing the jumping jacks on 30 Day shred this morning. Scary.


What's brown and yellow and eats nuts?



Cecily T

V just learned to start saying animal names, instead of just animals sounds, with some fun results:

"What says 'meow'?"


"What says 'woof woof'?"


"What says 'baa baa'?"


Also, those apostrophes just made my head explode.


Delurking to cheer you up...You HAVE to watch this it is impossible to watch and not laugh.


Hope you cheer up soon!


Beth's "I AM ALLERGIC TO CRAB" post made me remember a friend's wedding a few years ago.

She was getting married in Newport, RI, into an "old money" family. The wedding was on a Sunday, so everyone was going to have to take Monday, but could travel on Saturday. Then, the MIL *insisted* that the rehearsal dinner just HAD to be at the Clambake Club, and the only available time was Friday night. So, now, we all have to take both Friday and Monday off work for travel. (In fact some of us had to take Thurs as well to travel cross country.)

So, we get to the Clambake Club Friday night, and are so excited because the MIL keeps saying how fabulous it is. The first course was lobster bisque. Mmmmmmmm. We wait with anticipation for the main course. The waiters come, place the plates in front of us, whip off the covers to reveal . . . chicken. I'm not kidding. Chicken and potatoes and vegetables. We had to mess up everyone's travel and work schedules because it was so important that we eat at Newport's Clambake Club so that we could have.....chicken.


One time when I was down I asked one of my best guy friends to make me laugh. He responded without a moments hesitation "it burns B-A-D to masturbate with toothpaste".
Hope that helps, it worked for me.

Heather Ann

I can't tell you a funny story today because I am all hormonal and emotional because I just saw a normal 7w2d baby today with a great heart beat - and I thought I was going to see a dead blob. So, what I will say is that I come here all the time because you uplift me. I have three children and you teach me about being a mother and validate me and make me laugh and I cannot thank you enough. And, always go ahead and worry here. I think part of what brings me back over and over is your honesty.
Big hugs from Ottawa


Background: I am 33 weeks pregnant and my pants are not staying up very well anymore.

I am squatting in the garden the morning and my 2 year old comes up behind me and exclaims "Mama, your tushie is broken!"

It took awhile for me to convince him that it was not broken and that we all (him included - "But I want to see it!") have "butt cracks". A fact that he is now happily repeating ad infinitum.


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Sarah L.

Here, try this:



A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise.” A little later the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for the pot and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what’s happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please, sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter. "I bring you Peeking Duck."


I am having a similarly shitty week. I am watching Brett and Jemaine constantly on YOutube as an anti-depressant. Too many Dicks is my current fav. Now you go do it!... Now!


Leslie always makes me feel better:


or what about this:


Whenever I'm feeling sad, I read your post on the Company Cookbook. It makes me lol every time.

When my son was little, he loved to place his own order at the ice cream truck. One day my husband asked him to get him a Big Stick. Matt told the ice cream man, "I wanna a Bomb Pop and my daddy wanna Big Dick."


Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies!

One for you and your kids.


"too many dudes with too many dicks, too close to my shit too hard to meet chicks. I need better odds more broads less rods. I came to do battle skeedadle with the cattleprods"


Just search "Patti Ann Browne" on You Tube and watch the first video (the one with about 16000 views). The segments she does on Red Eye are hillarious. I promise they are not at all political. I hope you feel better.

Lise Baker

i can't think of anything funnier than FAILBLOG.ORG

Also, this is my new favorite SNL digital short.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRv_WCScCyg&NR=1


how do you make a tissue dance?

put a little boogie in it.

not supergirl

We just found out this week (after noticing the head to toe rash - because I'm observant like that) that my younger daughter is allergic to penicillin. She wasn't feeling so great, and she expressed this by saying that she was "kinda under the snuff". Which I love. Also, she's back up to snuff now, so I can laugh more easily.

ccr in MA

Would 4 babies laughing make you feel better? It makes me laugh!

kim at allconsuming

I went for a walk yesterday morning at 5am.

AND if that wasn't funny enough, I let rip two really loud farts as I walked the streets of my suburb.


Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their heads!


What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.

Ba dump dum!




And this...

And there is always Steve Harvey.

Dawn B

My two kids (the boy is 3 and the girl is 21 months) love singing any song now with the word "poop" forced into the lines.
Oh and the other day, James kept saying, "mommy you take a shower I take a shower! Idea!"
oh dear god


This morning, my first voicemail was from a patient who told me that he and I had been having phone sex, and now it was my turn to call him back. I did call him back, but mostly to tell him that there was a big difference between phone sex and phone tag, and if he expected the former I needed to be getting paid quite a bit more.


First trip in a year, we booked a room at a snazzy hotel in Seattle. So excited, then as we tucked the girls into bed we saw a 6 foot swath of toilet paper flapping outside the window. Our kids were transfixed, my four year old gasped, "Oh, mom, I don't know what that is, but I think it's magic!"

We laughed, hope you did too.


I just sung Ezra's lullaby to my husband and woke up my children I was laughing so hard.

die Frau

I bet you've seen this, but you CANNOT help laughing at little Ethan:

Laughing Baby


Did you hear the one about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

*insert groan here*


What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hairline....



Knock knock.
Who's there.
Noah who?
Noah good place to find more jokes?

Feel better, sweetie. This is completely normal.


A compliment to cheer you up...

your beard is good. And you are good at finding shortcuts around this part of town.

Would it be gay if I wrote you a song to cheer you up?


A first time parents decided to take their three months old son out for a day in town. They later stop at McDonald's to have lunch. The mother looks over to her husband and says, "Phew, Little Charlie needs changing. He replies, "I'll take care of it". He picks up his son and goes into the men's restroom and to the changing station. Puts Charlie on the changing table and close the door. He waits a few minutes. Pulls the door down. Hmmm...no. Puts the door back up couple more times. Pulls the door back down, and hmmm...no. So, he picks up his son. Walks back to the mother and gives Charlie to her. He sits down and says, "The changing table is not working".

I guarantee you. The next time you go into McDonald's changing station...you'll laughing.


So this guy walks into the doctor's office with a duck on his head.

The doctor goes, "Can I help you, sir?"

And the duck goes, "Yeah! Get this guy off my ass!"



always makes me feel better


Today my 3 year old niece did this sort of burp-puke at the lunch table. She didn't actually puke but lord, it sounded like it. The entire lot of us just froze, terrified to look and see that she had just puked up her entire Chili's grilled cheese all over the place, but...nope. It was just the single most disgusting, loud, echo-y, repulsive, wet burp sound ever made.

Okay so that wasn't funny, just gross. But I thought it would take your mind of things for about 16 seconds. Mwa.


I got nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I've lived through jobs going away. 5 kids. Divorce. A son in the Marines and now back..whew. And one son that got married this summer. So. I got nothing. But I can tell you.... that I have gray hair....except you can't SEE IT!


I love love love love your blog. I have 2 boys (2 and 4, the 4 year-old is very similiar to your boy so, I can relate).

Here's my story:
I recently got Juvederm in my upper lip and I look like a chick who got injections in her lip. My family thinks I'm a freak (what's new) but I will not admit I did it to my mom so, she thinks I'm having an alleric reation to something and insists I take benedryl everytime she sees me. The best part is...I do it. I'm not sure if it's that funny but I hope it makes you laugh. Im pretty lame.


I need to poop.

I haven't pooped in two days.

It hurts.

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