Asterisk, Asterisk, Asterisk
March 26, 2009
For the past three days I've been secretly dying -- quietly, and with dignity, and lots of moaning -- from what I was sure was cancer of the face bones. The pain started on the left side of my face, right above my teeth, coursing through my cheek and nose and temple and ear. It didn't particularly hurt when I bit down, there was no swelling or redness in my teeth, yet the pain would not go away with regular old Tylenol so therefore: CANCER.
(Was someone saying something about drama queening? What? Me?)
Okay, so I didn't actually think I was actually dying. Maybe for five or 10 minutes, tops. With two of those minutes happening sometime after 3 am, and who DOESN'T occasionally lie awake in bed in the middle of the night and diagnose themselves with cancers of various kinds, I ASK YOU. Therefore, those particular minutes do not count.
I was far more terrified of the prospect that there was something wrong with my teeth, something that would require a trip to the dentist and horrible invasive procedures involving pointy metal things. So instead of calling the dentist I simply brushed and flossed and used a lot of Listerine, hoping that whatever the problem was, it would be impressed by my Hail Mary attempt at dental hygiene and go away, content with the fact that I had clearly Learned My Lesson.
Anyway, it turns out it's actually a sinus infection. So there. Fuck you, teeth. I'm off to drink high fructose corn syrup right out of the bottle.
So sinus medications have been helping, except that they make me really, really sleepy. I fell asleep in the middle of writing yesterday's entry, for an hour. I woke up all, what the fuck was I talking about? So anytime you see me do this:
---> *** <---
In an entry, you now know the truth. I either can barely generate enough interest in my own topic to stay awake long enough to write it in a fully cohesive manner, or else I'm darting from topic to topic because of all the corn syrup.
(OH. HA. I'M TOTALLY THE HILARIOUS.)
Anyway, yesterday's post was entirely too heavy and depressing and made too many people cry. Let's bring on the ridiculous! Like this post over at Alpha Mom, which is essentially the Deodorant Wars series, only with baby bottles. That's right. I got someone to pay me to pose inanimate objects and make them talk to each other, and in this case, stick earrings in baby bottle nipples. LIFE IS GOOD.
Wait! Let's get depressed again, for no particular reason at all. I just very randomly came across this photo, from October 2007:
I'm pretty sure that just killed me dead.
Stop it, you.