Do Not Push the Big Red Button
March 11, 2009
The past couple days Noah has been once again obsessed with buttons. MY buttons. The OH MY GOD STOP IT GO TO YOUR ROOM buttons. He pushes them, pounds on them, shoves bits of grilled cheese sandwiches underneath them so they're all sticky and permanently pressed in and OH MY GOD STOP IT GO TO YOUR ROO ROO ROO ROOM BEEP BOOP SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIALIZED.
I've already made him cry three times today, what with my terrible refusal to serve him a grilled cheese sandwich for the 500th meal in a row and insisting that he eat some cheese RAVIOLI instead, like the HORROR of a slightly different cheese-wrapped-in-carbohydrate food product, and then I wouldn't let him pelt the baby with blueberries and when I told him to sit down properly on his chair he stood up on the chair with THAT LOOK, that knowing, defiant look, like yeah, I'm standing on the chair, woman. What are you gonna do about it?
I'm gonna...uh...I'm gonna say GO TO YOUR ROOM, is what I'm gonna do, and...and...not let you eat the ravioli that you totally were never going to eat anyway.
*shoves fingers in mouth and goes all bug-eyed from a silent, chompy scream*
Imagine, if you will, an additional section here about Noah's new obsession with running away from us in public and thinking that it's all a fantastic game. But then I Googled the problem to see if anyone had any advice other than the obvious leashing thing, and of course the first thing I read is a Yahoo Answer that said, brilliantly: "they make leashes for children. Instead of going around the neck like a dog, it attaches like a belt!" and then another that recommended renting a VAN and getting a family friend to wear a SKI MASK and the next time your kid hoofs it, get the dude in a ski mask to GRAB THE CHILD AND HAUL THEM INTO THE VAN [make sure there aren't any police around lol!], and then keep the child there until she gets really good and traumatized before the ski mask comes off. This was, unsurprisingly, chosen as the best answer.
Anyway. I wasn't really in the mood to read more about leashes or freaking MURDER VANS AS DISCIPLINE so I deleted the story but am still so het up that I kind of wish Noah and Ezra weren't both napping just so I could have pleasure of sending somebody to their room right now.