Asterisk, Asterisk, Asterisk
I Assure You My Personal Tragedy Will Not Interfere With My Ability To Overdramatize My Personal Tragedy On the Internet

Oh, Hi, Afternoon Nap Just Imploded

Seriously, when you find yourself changing sheets and locking doors and confiscating various toys o' hopped-up stimulation for one kid while trapped in an endless nursing/crib/cry/nursing/crib/cry cycle with the other, eventually you need to come to terms with the fact that:

1) there is not going to be any afternoon free time during which you may flee to the computer and write about your feeeeeeeeeeelings on your blog, and...
2) as soon as you hear your husband's key in the lock you can open a beer without the whole "drinking alone and in front of the children" thing and COME ON KEY SOUNDS DON'T LET ME DOWN.

Happy Friday, bitches. Here's a photo of my baby mid-crazy-bounce in his jumper thing, complete with mid-crazy-bounce eyes.

IMG_1651

Hey cool! My mama drinks out of BPA-free bottles too!

In other news that I can type really fast without my brain needing to get involved: a long, long time ago it was decided that I would continue the Zero to Forty pregnancy thingie over at Alpha Mom, in the form of a postpartum guide, just "as soon as [I] settle in and get [my] act together with the two babies thing."

I have not gotten my act together by any stretch of the imagination, and yet, Bounce Back launched today. New entries will be posted on Tuesdays, just like the pregnancy calendar. Yes, I certainly do have a lot to say about this reproduction business. In another six months I'm clearly going to need a new angle, as there's always someone funnier, younger, hotter, and way pregnanter than you out there on the Internet these days.

Anyway, it turns out postpartum is a difficult topic to write definitively about, since everybody's experience is so different, so even if you haven't had a baby super-recently I'd love it if you stopped by and chimed in on the various subjects with your own personal no-holes-barred and lochia-is-not-sparkly-unicorn-poop story. The plan is to turn Bounce Back into the most real and informative and UNIVERSALLY TERRIFYING record of what happens to a woman after giving birth in all the land. Together, we can stop the global population crisis! Huzzah!

Comments

Hilary

Psyched about your new gig! Am headed there now. Also, this is my favorite photo of Ezra so far.

Kathy

An awesome photo! The eyes really do say it all, don't they? Off to check out Alpha Mom!

Lori

Congratulations on your new blogging gig, but I will have nothing to contribute until your boyz hit their teenz and then omg do I have shit for you.
Have a happy weekend.

Megan

Sooo...can I talk about how I was literally scared shitless the first time I had a bowel movement post-partum? Or are we not scaring the moms-to-be?

Poppy

That picture made me suddenly aware of how easy and great LolBabies could be!

Amalah

Megan: Yes. Scaring is half the POINT.

Poppy: INVISIBLE BUNGEEE!

Alicia Millis

yay excited for your bounce back series! i read your pregnancy calendar each week and since I am 3 weeks away from due date! I will need another calendar type thing to sink my teeth into!

Parsing Nonsense

Bounce back indeed, it looks like Ezra's doing his part to make sure your whole household is bouncing at least a little! Enjoy the beer and the weekend!

Erin

I also, lived in fear of the first Movement. And sex. I really thought I would probably just tear in half. But I lived! But seriously, I was so not prepared for Postpartum, so the blog is a great idea!

Sprite's Keeper

Huzzah to you on the launch! And the Ezra eye candy is a late lunch for me!

Kristin

As much as he likes jumping have you thought about getting one of those jumping things that hangs in the doorway? http://www.amazon.com/Evenflo-Classic-Johnny-Jump-Up/dp/B0010WFVRO My kids loved it.

Hehehe, I remember those days when I prayed for my husband to get home...sometimes I still have them.

Heather

Ha, my baby is in the bouncer as I read this. Congrats on the new gig! I loved loved loved your Zero to Forty column. I can't wait for the postpartum Bounce Back to start...wish it had started about 5 months and 3 weeks ago! (heh)
If you need ideas, just let us know!

LD's Mom

I just checked out Bounce Back and think that will be great. My due date with #1 was almost exactly the same as yours with Ezra, so I had so much fun reading your pregnancy weekly. One suggestion for a topic to cover in Bounce Back is the first return of Aunt Flo. I'm sure you already thought of that one, but I just had my first visit since I had my son and it was unbelievably horrible. It might be nice to warn others of how it comes back with a vengeance!

Vaguely Urban

yay for bounce back!
perfect timing for me and my 4/14 due date!

nic

ah-mazing... i just did the same thing when my husband came home from work, except with a wine bottle. nice to know i'm not alone. :) and my 11 month old has given up on the whole afternoon-nap-so-mommy-can-blog shit as well.

nice, eh?

Michelle

Stop giving that boy crack. It'll make his face stick that way.

Sarah

Megan beat me to the poop recommendation. It was scarier than giving birth.

Oh, and you should probably let them know that if they're breastfeeding there WILL be a night of 2 a.m. crying because the baby won't latch. This is where a good partner steps in and helps out.

lisa

Things that you have to 'bounce back' from, and things that no one EVER told me about postpartum

1. you WILL be depressed and have scary, sad thoughts about what may or might happen to your precious.

2. your first period will be horrid horrid horrible and last 10 days

3. your bladder will be out of control, you will have NO control over how you pee, this however will go back to normal

4. sex, won't happen for a LONG LONG time !!!

5. if you had a c-section, that numbness tingly feeling will not go away

6. my daughter is 8 mths old and i'm still trying to lose the baby weight

7. you will have what i like to call 'stroller envy'. you will check out each and every stroller that goes past you. examining to see if yours is better or older.....

8. you will deeply consider getting a boob job.

9. baby einstein will be your new best friend

10. your baby will be the love of your life and all time favorite person in the entire world !!!

Hope this helps =)

Lulu

So, whaddabout us non-mommy chicks that read you because, uuhh...we can? We may not have any imput, but damn we enjoys the entertainment of the mommyfolk. Yes, I make up my own words. HI!

Stacy

Yay for Bounce Back. I read Zero to Fourty every week during my pregnancy, and since his birth in November I have been needing your weekly truthiness (besides your blog of course, which I love). Can't wait for the topics!

Spinner

Um, I need to hear more about this tingly, numb area due to c-section. Where? How big? Please tell me it's not near the important part of my area. Also, do you have the poop fear after c-section or just after a vag? And! Should I just get some depends to wear for all the discharge? I need to know more about the discharge!

Clearly I've not had a baby. We're trying and I like to read stuff that makes me a little glad my body hasn't been hijacked, ridden hard, wrecked and then left in an alley behind a dumpster, metaphorically speaking.

I still hope I ovulate soon :)

lisa

love the ez pic and um how is your dad doing?

Purva Brown

LOL. How true with the key turning in the door. Hahaha... been there done that. So there you go. You're NOT really drinking alone! :)

Marnie

You're supposed to wait for your husband to get home? Huh.

Amy, also

Hurrah! I'm at 34 weeks of 0 to 40 and was hoping there'd be a little Amalah to see me through past 40 weeks. Excellent!
Thanks.

Abby

I think that the absence of that nap/break was the hardest thing I had to adjust to when I had my second kid. It freaking sucks. It's enough to make me want to ship the kids off to daycare for one blissful hour every afternoon just so I can get some silence up in this house.

Kori

I am so with you on the key sounds. :) When I first had my daughter, we attended a local new mom's group for awhile. I'll never forget one of the leaders saying that, shortly after she had her second child, every evening she and her older son used to play the, "Is THAT Daddy's car?" game, with all of them perched at the window hoping Daddy's car was the next one to come home (Mom most of all).

charlotte

lisa wrote:
"7. you will have what i like to call 'stroller envy'. you will check out each and every stroller that goes past you. examining to see if yours is better or older.....

8. you will deeply consider getting a boob job.

9. baby einstein will be your new best friend

10. your baby will be the love of your life and all time favorite person in the entire world !!!"

OMG. SO. TRUE.

All of them. Plus, you should mention that PPD doesn't necessarily start right after birth. Mine started when I went back to work and had to come to terms with the fact that pumping will eventually make the boobie juice go away and baby will love the daycare lady much more than me and dad knows how to make formula so nobody needs me any more and since I'm the worst mom in the world anyway, why don't I just buy a one-way ticket to Australia? Seriously. That's some serious shit--and since I was already almost 3 months postpartum, I didn't expect it to hit that hard.

At least the good hair is still there. Mostly.

KrimoJo

I exclusively breastfeed - no paci's, no bottles. Yet, my period came back at 8 weeks postpartum. I would like to tell all women this could happen to you too.

KrimoJo

Oh this happened with baby #1 and #2.

Tracy

Um...this is NOT meant to be snarky, but the phrase is "no HOLDS barred" not "no HOLES barred" 'cuz that one just sounds kind of...nasty, considering we're talking about post partum and the whole "sex the first time after" is also scary enough without THAT hanging out there.

Nicole

Just saw your hard drive failure tweet. Take it to the genius bar and beg on someone looking at the actual raw data to see if it's still in there. I was able to recover a ton off my last failure... baby pics and all.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

I just wanted to say that I'm way pregnanter than you right now. But I'm looking forward to reading Bounce Back as it unfolds because it'll be nice to have an idea of what I can expect. Even a little inkling of an idea. ANY SORT OF IDEA, EVEN IF IT IS JUST PRETENDING TO BE AN IDEA.

That sort of thing.

Penny

Personally I'd like it if a postpartum 'review' didn't paint everything as some kind of crazy awful experience.

Sure, I cried and hardly slept and sort of remember my hair not looking great for a while, but it was nothing compared to the Armaggedon I was expecting. In fact, it was much easier than pregnancy in most ways.

C

So I just started reading your blog, and I generally can't get through an entry without laughing so hard I cry. I went back in the archives to when you were pregnant with Noah, and since I'm eight weeks pregnant with my first right now, I can totally relate. Hilarious.

I also plugged you on my blog. Something about wanting to be your best friend and braid your hair and blah, blah, blah ;0) Feel free to check it out.

C

So if you want to look at my blog, it's probably helpful to know where the hell it is.

http://pursuitofbaby.blogspot.com/

Laura

Praying for your ackslpoded 'puter.

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