Because the world should stop, just for a moment or two
So Many Entries to Write, and Yet I Give You This

And Then I Threw Up. The End.

So I went to New York City on Thursday. You know, just the random sort of glamorous day trip that is so typical of me and my fabulous jet set lifestyle. Or train set lifestyle, I guess, since I took NJ Transit, and probably had a Thomas and Percy floating around in the bottom of my bag. And I made the train on time and did not get off at Newark by accident and it was all fabulously boring, though I like to think that the baby strapped to my chest in an Ergo carrier paired with high-heeled boots and a ridiculously overstuffed diaper bag added a little bit of intrigue. Will she fall down? Get stuck in a sidewalk grate? Leave behind a trail of wadded-up bumGenius diapers* all over the East Side? DUN DUN DUUUUN.

The Whole Point of the trip was an extension of the Hewlett Packard Moms for Simplicity ad campaign that you are probably currently using an ad blocker on, and was supposed to be about moms momming around and using the latest in mom technology to make their momming easier and simpler and 75% more mommier. This included meeting Olympic champion swimmer (AND MOM!) Dara Torres and watching her swim LIVE AND IN PERSON, while we all stood by the edge of the pool and took pictures of her. God, it was embarrassing, the way we all stood there taking pictures of her.

DSC00463 

An alternate-reality "oh god where are my pants" nightmare for anyone but Olympic champion swimmer Dara Torres.

DSC00465 

He judges your fangirling.

I almost did not get to meet Olympic champion swimmer Dara Torres because of...wait for it! you just fucking wait for it!...technology. As I have no use for your mere mortal PAPER, I did not print out a copy of the day's itinerary, which had been emailed to us all a few weeks ago. Instead, I figured I would just look stuff up on my phone whenever I needed an address or phone number or...hmm. Why won't Gmail load? Why won't anything load? And that's how Tracey and I ended up smack dab in the middle of Manhattan tilting our iPhones this way and that, trying to get usable signals or remember anyone's stupid phone number because we had absolutely NO idea where we were supposed to be headed after a meeting with our ad people**. Except that it had a pool. Our cab driver found this to be supremely unhelpful. Look, dude. I once mistook Newark for New York. You're lucky I didn't direct you to the sprinkler system in Central Park.

We eventually got there, of course, and then after the pool thing we went to lunch and were offered the chance to sit and interview Dara one-on-one for a few minutes, and because I really care about bringing you guys nothing but the most top-notch content, I panicked and said no, thank you, OMG. What would I say, I have no idea what to say, me and my extra mom chins will just sit over here with my mom arms, hardcore momming, feeding my baby edamame paste from the bruschetta, and after the event was over I realized I also had avocado all over the crotch of my dress. AND my bra was showing all day because my dress did not have nearly the post-nursing elasticity that I thought it did.

DSC00485 

I had a really handsome dinner date, though. We ate at one of New York's finest dining establishments, and I mean that, because I can at least rule my sister's kitchen out as the place where I got a touch of food poisoning, leading to an entire night on the floor of the bathroom at my in-laws' house. Which was awesome! See post title, fin.

*Speaking of cushy corporate blogging events, I was recently invited to one by a diaper company. And I was all, "I'd love to go! But, hey, full disclosure and stuff, I use cloth diapers most of the time now? Eh?" And then I was promptly uninvited. I am being persecuted for my principles! Denied fabulous getaways in...Ohio, I think it was. Barred from the exciting Powerpoint presentations! No swag bag for you! Oh, woe.

**And at that meeting with the ad people, after drawing a blank on any sort of "sponsorable" content (bleeeargh) ideas, I ended up describing the Deodorant Wars entries. And that's about when Ezra spat up all over my arm and I tried to be all smooth about wiping it up and ignoring the looks of horror on the faces of the young hip sales staff, and for some reason it wasn't until that exact second that I fully grasped that I 1) had brought a BABY to a BUSINESS MEETING like an ASSHOLE, 2) was discussing TALKING DEODORANTS as a viable form of conversational marketing, and 3) was sweating profusely from engorgment and said baby was pawing furiously at my chest. So I got up and hid in a closet for awhile. Buy ads on my webbity blog, companies! I am an opinion influencer! I am authentic! I AM A MOM TO THE EXXTREME.

Comments

Elizabeth

Sponsors should be crashing down your door. I read everything you write. I am such a fan girl. God I hope i am not first.

erin

if you were swimming in a pool, I would totally be taking pictures of you from the deck....wait....does that sound creepy? erm. yes.

Anyway, very funny entry. loved it.

Beth

I second that!

Starbuck

Amy, you just have a way of making me laugh and then I forget to feel bad for you because you had avocado in unfortunate places, flashed your bra and was spit up on a meeting. However, I am really sorry about the food poisoning. THAT is no laughing matter.

Sprite's Keeper

Yup, Elizabeth, you're first.
Nice job on the Dana Torres. I now feel insecure about my thighs, but Yay!

Courtney D

You are extreme to the mommity-MAX, Amalah!!

lindsayc

Count me in as a amalah fangirl too. EXXTREME momming is where it's AT.

Tricina

That trip is right from a quirky Tina Fey movie that has yet to be written. Pretty awesome.

Missie

Cannot believe the ad execs didn't want to buy space on Ezra, for he is Rock Star Baby of the Interwebs. And has a perfectly sphere-shaped head, just right for banner ads.

Alicia

haha! sounds like a fun time! what kinda free goodies did you score?

Elizabeth_K

Cloth diapers taking you away from freebies in Ohio? Man, there is no fairness in this world!

Jess

So did they buy the ads???????

Kristin

Definitely a fan and I love posts like this because it proves you are a real person not just a supermom!

Marianne

Dude ... you're so pretty, even when you're looking away from the camera. And also, I need to stop reading your blog while I'm at work, eating lunch, and sitting three feet from my boss.

Sheryl

Yeah... I have no idea why Newark's station is also called "Penn Station". I learned the difference early on and now make sure I'm not snoozing when they announce WHICH Penn Station we are at.
Good for you for bringing Ezra along, despite the spit-up. And the fact that it makes it a lot harder to focus.
Maybe you'll be invited to a cloth diapering event soon?

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

I don't think you'll be missing much in Ohio. And besides, maybe your full disclosure will make them feel like idiots for not paying closer attention to your blog.

Wallydraigle

And yet, your hair still looks fabulous.

Jerk.

Yeah, my baby's the same age as yours. And I don't have a toddler. And somehow your hair still beats mine. Beats it into the ground.

The Football Wife

It's okay... the other day I found carrots still on my face from the baby's last feeding. My husband has taught her to blow raspberries with mush still in her mouth. Nothing like a little oatmeal in the eyelashes to get you going in the morning.

Sarah

"Hardcore momming" is sure to bring some entertaining search strings your way.

Also, am I the only one who glanced at the pictures first and thought that was you coming out of the pool? I wondered how you had time to develop Olympic-caliber muscle tone while also having fabulous hair.

Kendra

See, now I'm totally intimidated by you, because you're not only funny and clever and clearly a great mom; but you're also a real person who gets lost and nervous in meetings. So I can't hate you, just be jealous.

So sorry about the food poisoning. And I think Deodorant Wars would make hilarious ads; I was trying to describe it to my sister today and the only detail I could definitely remember was that no one would talk to Tom's of Maine. So maybe not such a great revenus source for them, but still they would be hilarious ads!

Whimsi

I don't know how your legs compare to the olympic lady but that's some awesome looking cleavage you've got in that last picture.

Kristin

Don't you just love to watch young people try not to look completely disgusted when they see babies doing gross things - like dumping nastiness on your arm? I recently tried to look "cool" in front of my very young and hip realtor while my 10 month old attempted to claw through my shirt and bra with his mouth open and tongue out. He ended up leaving big wet spots on my shirt . . . which was super fabulous and certainly didn't make things awkward while I was signing all those documents. :-)

Bill McNutt

So - tell me, are you able to make any money writing? Or is blogging a hobby that pays for itself? It sounds like you at least gets some travel out of it.

Bill

charlotte

So, if Pampers ditches you, I'd wave a happy "sayonara" their way. Does BumGenius know that you talk about their diapers in your widely read blog?

lydia

Your hair looks good. I can't even do THAT!

TaraLynn

Amy can you help me? I'm trying to raise money for cancer. I've been reading your blog for years, since we were both pregnant with our oldest. (Noah, and Luca.) Anyways, I'm having trouble reaching out to people. You have an amazing talent when it comes to reaching people... I want to make a difference. Even if I only change ONE persons life, it's something to me. Cancer affects far too many people. I'm 23 years old, and I have ovarian cancer. It's also claimed the lives of my mother and grandmother. If everyone we knew just donated five dollars, can you imagine how much good that would do? Please... if you're willing to help me I'd be forever grateful....

Here is our team site:
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=12875&team_id=387731

I don't want my children to ever see the devestation of cancer. Maybe by the time our kids are adults, it will be a thing of the past. I'm working two jobs.... and I'm a single parent now... but I still give 30 hours a week to this cause. Please, join my fight.

Starbuck

Amy, I am so sorry about your dad. I'll be out of town starting tomorrow but want you to know I will be thinking about your whole family. Drink more wine and who cares about the waitstaff. Maybe they will give you free wine!! And that would be good, no?

Kara

Hee! I love how the wine and the sippy cup are both next to your plate. Your hair, by the way, looks super cute in this pic. I can't ever get mine to do that clippy at the toppy thingy. Maybe I will submit something to le Advice Smackdown.

rebecca

Not enough people have said how ADORABLE you look in that picture, so here it is. You rock!

Susan

You look really cute in that picture! They should buy ad space based on the fact that you could look so good even after the spit-up and the avocado!

Kelsey

I was looking at those pics earlier off of Dara's Twitter page and I didn't even recognize you. You look adorable!

Oh and no one can beat me in the "stupidest things to say to Dara Torres" catagory. As I was painting her daughter Tessa's toes for a party (my boss and her are friends), I whipped out my phone and asked her to call my friend for her bday present. Yes, I gave my best friend a phone call from Dara Torres as her birthday present. Because I am a good friend like that. And perhaps uber cheap.

Congrats on the meet and great, it looked pretty awesome.

JRM

The trip was worth just to get the picture of Ezra's judgement face.

Susan

Amy this is in response to your dad's diagnosis - my mother has had CHF for ten years. The words "heart failure" make it sound horribly ominous, but people can survive ages and ages with it. Clearly I don't know all the details of your father's case specifically, but I did want to tell you that.

Praying.

Musings from Me

Dara Torres is the man...er woman. I wouldn't want to interview her either. I would like to observe her post-practice sessions where she has two people walking on her - one on her legs and one on her shoulders. She calls it mashing. Even her daughter gets in on the act per Wash Post article, I think.

Michelle

That swimmer has some serious muscles!

Parsing Nonsense

I feel the same way you felt about Dara every time I watch gymnasts. Just go ahead and hurl your tiny little bodies all over the place, I'm just gonna sit here with my Chinese food and strive in vain the conceal the true size of my thighs.

Alias Mother

If it makes you feel better, I once brought a baby of a business CONFERENCE. Like, big, hotel-based, had to pin my name badge on the sling conference. I was the hit of the day and people I met there still remember me. So, you know, there's that.

And if they want conversational marketing, they gotta take what we are conversating about, in my opinion. And you conversate about deodorant-based soap operas. I'm not seeing the problem here. (Other than my insisted misuse of "conversation.")

Mom101

I will admit, I did feel about 200% mommier after it was all over.

And dude, those hip ad sales people were loving you and your baby and your deodorant wars too. I just think they were a little freaked out by the possible use of the word PUSSIFIED in their paying clients' marketing campaign.

Although come to think of it, Axe would totally be all over it.

baby backpacks

that why most people go for the baby carrier backpacks, it is uncomfortable sometime to have the baby strap to your chest for a long time

baby backpacks

that why most people go for the baby carrier backpacks, it is uncomfortable sometime to have the baby strap to your chest for a long time

caoilinn

I so love that you use cloth diapers but you're all hip and awesome too. Shut up, you know what I mean! I'm all bad in cute shoes and then the truth leaks that I used CDs and everyone's like "omgHIPPYRUNNNNNNNN"!!!

And I think I hate you too, because your hair is made of awesome and so is your damn face. DAMN YOU.

Sorry, I'm kind of in a Mood.

The comments to this entry are closed.