So You've Gone & Left Your iPhone in a Bathroom Stall at Nationals Stadium
April 20, 2009
Some handy steps and pointers:
1) STOP TAKING YOUR PHONE INTO BATHROOMS ALREADY, ASSHOLE.
2) Call phone, repeatedly. Curse out the automatic voicemail messaging service lady.
3) Head to Guest Services and the Lost & Found. Blank when they ask you to describe the phone. "Uh. It's a phone? 'Bout this big? Grayish/blackish/silverish? Supercute photo of this here baby *gesture to baby asleep in your cleavage* as the wallpaper when you turn it on?"
3a) Blank even blanker when they ask you for a phone number in case the phone does turn up. Run outside to find husband and ask what the hell his cell phone number is. Get impatient while husband blanks and pulls out his phone to search for his own damn number.
4) Hike back to bathroom to check for phone one last time, completely missing the childish look of wonder on your son's face during the post-game fireworks, for which you waited through extra innings of complete boredom for and are now the assholes who have babies and preschoolers out in the city at 11 pm at night and ARE ALSO PHONELESS, THIS IS ALL THE FIREWORKS' FAULT SOMEHOW.
5) Inventory the contents of your phone. Naked MySpacian Photos: Negative. Preshus Baby Photos: Check, Of Course, Naturally. Place Where Preshus Baby Photos Are Properly Backed Up: On the laptop with a busted hard drive, check. Tangram App High Scores: Shit, motherfucker.
6) Call phone service provider and disable the phone, lest bill get racked up sky-high by some jerk using it for naked MySpacian photos and hijacking your Twitter and Facebook (I'M IN UR SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORKS, SUPERPOKIN UR FOLLOWERS).
7) Get recognized by readers an unprecendented THREE TIMES in a single weekend, bitch and moan to two of them about iPhone, give third reader a look of soldiering on in the face of unspeakable tragedy like a brave little toaster, leaving her probably wondering what the hell is so awful about buying goddamn lettuce at the farmer's market.
8) Notice an unfamiliar number calling Jason's cell phone. Think about answering it for him. Decide not to, because ewwwww phones!
9) Log onto Facebook. Find message from a total stranger who found your phone and has been trying to reach you all weekend, a task made infinitely more difficult since you went and disabled all text/phone/internet capabilities and kept ignoring those "unknown caller" numbers, but they refused to give up and tracked you down and would like to make sure you get it back, especially since it's full of adorable baby pictures, OMG.
10) Give humanity a big slobbery kiss, because seriously. I REALLY LOVE THAT PHONE.