Oink
Let's Make It Official

Blah Blah Whine Cough Etc.

The past 24 hours or so have not been my finest, parenting-wise. I know being sick and barraged by the unbelievable, unrelenting NEEDS and WANTS and WANTS-MISTAKEN-FOR-NEEDS of children* (who now outnumber you, huzzah!) can eventually make the most patient soul alive possibly crack into a million grumpy shrill pieces, or at least that's what I NEED** to believe so I don't feel so lousy about my two-millimeter-length fuse.

Last night while waiting for Jason to come home I got so increasingly short with my children that I:

1) Glared at a six-month-old baby with the glare of "You Better Knock That Shit Off Or I Will Turn This Car Around/Send You To Your Room/Give You Something To Cry About." It was surprisingly ineffective!

2) Caused Noah to tentatively and sweetly ask, "Are you happy, Mommy?", which made me feel so guilty and mean and GAH, but then he kept asking it over and over again and by the 25th time the guilt had worn off and I yelled that "NO, I'M NOT HAPPY." Then he said, "Don't worry, Mommy. It's okay, Mommy," and I wondered if he found ME that annoying when I used those same canned phrases to snap HIM out of a bad mood.

And it pretty much went on like that until bedtime. At which point I put Ezra down in his crib and FLED back to the bathroom where I treated myself to a delicious shot of Nyquil, reasoning that I had until at least 6 am before I had to deal with either of them again, which meant HOURS of peaceful, drug-induced stupor. I was in bed at 8:30 pm and sound asleep by 9 pm after watching about 15 minutes of The Princess Diaries. (I've never seen it! Still haven't! Don't spoil it for me! The suspense over when Anne Hathaway's character discovers the wonders of flat-irons is what makes it great!)

Ezra woke up at 3 am. Noah followed at 4 am. I dreamt that my blog turned into a talking squirrel named Martin and in order to post updates I had to feed nuts to him using a Morse-code-like rhythm. It made sense at the time.

I'm feeling much better today, though I admit my patience is a lagging indicator. Jason and I are supposed to go see the new Star Trek movie tonight, and while part of me feels guilty*** for going to a crowded movie theater while coughing in the height of manufactured swine flu panic season, part of me knows that if I do not get a couple of hours away from my beloved preshus children I will soon be discovered locked in a closet feeding trail mix to an imaginary squirrel named Martin.

IMG_2032

<photo inserted just for the sake of making me sound like the most awful person ever, like who could glare at that face? who? me, that's who, and he probably only partially deserved it>

*And don't even get me started on the pets! Pets! Seriously, how old do cats have to be before they develop opposable thumbs and can open their own damned can of cat food? Wait. What? Really? Awww, fuck that shit.

**Need! There's that word again! If you are reading aloud, please to pronounce as NEE-EE-EE-UD to better convey the goddamn whining that's been taking over our household. Also, stop reading aloud. It's creepy.

***Oh Jesus Christ on a cracker, is there anything I don't feel guilty about? Let me check. Well, I don't think I'm DIRECTLY to blame for the stock market crash, and I was on the phone when the housing bubble burst and I've also never watched The Hills so I probably didn't cause Speidi, even though I have admittedly continued to acknowledge their existence. So that's three! I should write a goddamn self-help book. I'll call it Why Everything Ever is All Your Fault: How to Turn Guilt Into Squirrels That Crap Solid Gold Nuggets.

Comments

jodifur

I think you gave me swine flu. And I have lupus, so I'm probably going to die. And I'm at work, b/c I've been stuck in the most depressing all day meeting ever, infecting all of these people. Who also work for social services.

(Feel guiltier yet?)

((All of the above happens to be true, except I don't happen to think either one of us happens to actually have swine flu. I do have whatever the hell you have plus the worst migraine known to man. My whole face is numb and I'm talking about murder victims! Fun!)

Becky

Tried to breastfeed my husband one very sleep deprived night. Trust me, no one was happy about that.

tutugirl1345

This post was exactly what I needed to read. Love me some funny woah is me angst. And the picture of Ezra certainly didn't help.

Hope you feel better quickly! Otherwise, remember to feed the squirrel trail mix WITHOUT the candy.

Erin

My 3 year old does the "Are you happy Mommy?" too. Especially after a lovely chat about why he decided to poop in his pants and not the potty. Again. HATE!

Sprite's Keeper

Well, this is making me rethink my own whining about my sinus infection. I think I'll shut up now.

Lorena

I'm sorry :( If it makes you feel less guilty, at least you haven't dumped water on Noah/Ezra. Once I was babysitting my five year old nephew (I had some sort of sickness, or sleep depravation) and I was c.r.a.n.k.y. When he started protesting something I snapped and poured my cup of water all over his head. And then he cried.
Feel better? :)

kiki

oh god, laughing , tears, Christ on a cracker , i needed that. My five week old twins do not sleep at the same time EVER. and my two year old makes me feel so aggravated and guilty... i'll just stop now. you are too funny so I won't even try... but i am with you.

Professional Critic

Is it very very wrong to say that your posts get more hilarious as your life gets more difficult? Forgive.

Kendra

Oh, sweet Noah, asking if you're okay. My oldest is very sweet and sensitive that way. He is also prone to ignore my obvious desire to be left the hell alone for five consecutive seconds and would definitely park next to me asking and asking and asking and asking until I snap at him!

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Lori

I will buy that book.
And I second Professional Critic.

Tara

I am getting over one illness, only to apparently be developing a bonus round of bronchitis, plus I have a headache and it's that time of the month and I'm losing all will to live--and you can still made me laugh. Good work, you.

Give Martin a walnut for me.

lisa

make sure you give Martin a little of your wine when you are feeding him the mix. Next time Noah asks "Are you happy" burst out into song Dont worry be happy chorus.
Hope you feel better soon.

Allison

I thought I was the only person who said, "Jesus Christ on a cracker." I love it. I hope this post was therapeutic and you start feeling fabulous soon!

Jenna

OH GOD. Zoe has just started the "Are you happy, Mommy? Please be happy?" "HOW ABOUT NOW? HAPPY NOW??"

What do you say to that, anyway?

I know I'm not supposed to laugh at your pain but thank you for the laughs anyway! I needed them.

Take those precious hours away and enjoy yourself, girlfriend. You deserve it.

lumpyheadsmom

I think I had something useful to say, but then I read Lorena's comment and I'm still laughing about Whiny Toddler Waterboarding.

Jess

That's right....just leeet it out....leeeet it out. There you go...don't you feel better?

Now go have a shot of tequila and a nap. :)

Mandi

You make me laugh. Which is a good thing. I swear, we could be living the same life...

JZMom

One time, when my younger son was about 3 months old, he was just whimpering non-stop and driving me crazy. I looked at him and said, "Calm yourself, would you?" then immediately burst into laughter...wasn't that the whole issue, that he *couldn't* calm himself?

Well, I found it funny. :-)

JZMom

One time, when my younger son was about 3 months old, he was just whimpering non-stop and driving me crazy. I looked at him and said, "Calm yourself, would you?" then immediately burst into laughter...wasn't that the whole issue, that he *couldn't* calm himself?

Well, I found it funny. :-)

Kristin

Bwahahahaha...that bit about your dream had me rolling.

Suzanne

Okay, so I'm not the only one with the weird ass dreams when I'm sick. Thank God for that.

My 9 year old brought the sickness home to the rest of us and man, does it hurt to swallow. You never realize how much you do that every day until it hurts each time!

I hope you feel better soon.

Trishy

You are adorable and hilarious. Feel better soon!!! :)

Backpacking Dad

After my daughter whined for 40 minutes in the HAPPY BLUE TV CART at the grocery store and I endured not only the guilt of having to keep her in there while I bought food for her that I'd have to throw out after she refused to eat it for the fourth time, but also the (1) stares of the childless who can't understand why I'd be torturing this kid with a HAPPY FUN TV CART at the grocery store instead of sitting her on the wire basket seat and (2) the sympathetic "oh, that poor girl and you poor dad way to go dad for trying to run errands with her buck up, chum and kudos for even trying this with your Y chromosome", I'm read to pull my eyes out and stuff them in my ears.

Amanda

How's this for guilt. I was sick last week - sore throat, low-grade fever, body aches and chills. I thought it was a bad cold and went to work anyway, at school. This week if you have those symptoms you are taking a mandatory 7 days off. I was an "official flu carrier" - not swine though - regular old boring influenza.

lisa

Now that I have two children and zero patience I have to admit that more than once I've thought, "If we gave the cats to my grandma's nursing home, that would be CHARITY right? As opposed to ABANDONMENT?"

PaintingChef

Dude. I would TOTALLY buy that book...

Aimee

You should blame the (almost) full moon. Yesterday was a craptastic day for me too. I couldn't do anything right. I started the day by chipping the dog's ceramic water bowl by dropped another bowl on top of it - and spilling dog all over the kitchen. AND DINING ROOM.

I ended the day by stepping into a plate of canned catfood bare footed. ::sigh::

Here's hoping today is better for both of us!

Aimee

wow, apparently I can't type today. I dropped the bowl and didn't spill dog. I spilled dog FOOD. ack!

Starbuck

I think for my birthday I'd like to spend the day inside your head. :-)

Bill McNutt

Whenever I get the mistaken impression that MY life sucks, I log onto the Congressional Medal of Honor web site. Not only is it a great list of REAL problems, but I get a great dose of humility, too. Where do they FIND those guys.

Bill
http://willstuff.wordpress.com

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