Obligatory Oh God Don't Make Me Write Sentences Yet Post-Vacation Photo Entry
Beyond It

I Should Not Be Left In Charge Of Houseplants, Much Less Babies

Despite some threatening poses, Ezra is still not technically for-real crawling yet. He rolls, he scoots, he hurls his not-entirely-under-control torso towards the edges of furniture while I desperately lunge for his ankle like a clawless bear batting at a salmon, but he is definitely not yet achieving true forward propulsion with a purpose.

(People like asking you if your baby is doing such-and-such yet. Usually because it's a skill THEIR baby mastered two months before the milestone chart said he should have mastered it, and they know this. Also because they are assholes. No, my three-month-old isn't saying "Mama" yet, what the fuck? Yeah, and my four-month-old still flops over sideways if you try to make him sit up on his own. Which I do. While yelling "TIMBER!" It's a teaching tool.)

(Honestly, Ezra has taken his time on most of the big motor-ish milestones like rolling over and sitting up and...I don't know what else he's "supposed" to be doing now. Second children definitely get the "ehhh, fuck it" benefit on this stuff, plus a better appreciation for how simple life is before mobility is attained.)

(Not that Ez isn't brilliant in his own brilliant way, or anything. He waves and sort-of claps and likes to have conversations with you involving nothing but tongue-clicking.  And he's pretty good at pulling up on anything that cannot actually support his weight, requiring constant rescue from underneath empty hampers and baskets and this one plastic piano thing that I THOUGHT was designed for the pulling-self-up set before quickly learning otherwise oh CRAP. So that, and eating. He's very good at eating. His appetite is enormous and his palette is adventurous. His tray-to-mouth coordination is impressive, his pincher grasp is wise beyond its years, his spoon skills are...well, a tad Ted Striker-like still, but you've gotta respect his ambition. I am already planning his future in competitive eating. Your days are numbered, Kobayashi!)

ANYWAY. Not crawling yet. He came extremely close last night, while Jason and I watched, waiting, anticipating, my fingers inching towards the camera while Ez pushed up on his hands and knees and rocked back and forth, his eyes locked on a toy a few feet away. His knees made their move and...

BAM. His arms forgot to do their part and he toppled over, face-first into the floor, just BARELY missing both the blanket and the pillow we'd arranged around him for just this very purpose.

And because I am a very concerned mother who sleeps with a milestone chart under her pillow and Googles "hardwood floors baby brain damage class action lawsuit" pretty much DAILY, I laughed at him. Then I picked him up. And fed him some Indian food. For dessert he ate a dill pickle.

Today, though, I learned another important and humbling lesson: Just because your baby isn't technically mobile doesn't mean you can't lose them. I learned this lesson when I lost the baby. In my bedroom.

Noah was playing with Max (our sainted, patient cat) on our bed; Ezra was on the floor with a bucket of plastic blocks. I went downstairs to start a load of laundry and was back upstairs within five minutes or so. Noah was still on the bed (though the cat had apparently had quite the fuck enough and fled) and the baby was...

...not where I'd left him. At all. Or anywhere nearby. I stood there for a second, turned around, then back again, scanning the floor like I was looking for my other shoe.

"Ez...ra?" I called out. (What, doesn't YOUR 8-month-old say, "Over here, Mother! Present!" when you call out his name? No? Ohhhh. Well. I'm sure he'll do it in his own time. *headpat* )

Not getting a response, I questioned the three-and-a-half-year-old, and was informed that Baby Ezra was hiding. (Everything, though, that is not currently visible to Noah is "hiding." His shoes are hiding. His lost toy that he simply cannot go to sleep without is hiding. His butt is hiding, etc.)

Just when a variety of horrible scenarios started flashing through my head (stairs! toilet! dingoes!), I heard a muffled squawk of indignance coming from under the bed. I pulled up the bedskirt and. Yep. There he was. Halfway under the bed, juuuust past the point of comfortable arm's reach, and from the looks of things he'd propelled himself backwards the entire way.

And because I'm an asshole, I laughed at him again. And he scowled back at me, which was awesome. He might not have the crawling thing down quite yet, but he's already growing up into a real little person who has already had enough of my shit.

IMG_2661
I'm onto you, woman.

Comments

Trilby

That post had me doubled over laughing! My 8 month old is in the same stage as Ezra. He's scooting (sort of), but not really going forward yet. He gets stuck under our couch a lot. I laugh at him a lot too. :)

Erin

I totally "lost" my first son (now 4) under an armchair while on a conference call during my maternity leave. He was 4 months old, on the little mat that plays music... and then was gone. I could still hear him, and was so totally perplexed and sleep deprived and trying to sound professional on the phone. In any case, I can relate.

Also, you still didn't list the books with the sex scenes, and I know there are others who are anxious about this as well...

Amalah

Erin - Whoops. I left a comment yesterday and now it's not there. WTF, blog? I AM YOUR MASTER. OBEY ME.

Anyway, I finally got around to finishing up a couple more of the Sookie Stackhouse books. (I'd shelved them for awhile because I didn't want to spoil True Blood, but once it became clear that HBO was TOTALLY going in a different direction I figured it was safe to read them.)

Team Eric, y'all. He's..terribly tingle-inducing. Cough.

LL

The "stairs! toilets! dingoes!" line caused me to guffaw rather loudly at my desk. And not laugh -- guffaw. I'm pretty sure a few eyebrows went up and it was fairly clear I wasn't reading the deposition transcript I was supposedly working on...

Ellen

I'm putting off planning a trip to the greater DC area to visit a friend because I'm afraid I'll combust if I'm in the same general vicinity as that much cuteness. Sigh.

Jennifer

This post had me laughing. I've been in the same boat MANY times. These little munchkins really know how to make us panic!

jodifur

Michael never crawled. He stood up a week before his 1st birthday and walked. Not even took first shaky steps. Just walked. Like he always knew how and was waiting.

So, that could happen.

Jill

Oh man! I laugh at my kids' foibles all the time. What do they expect when they do dumb stuff like get themselves stuck under a bed, or in the case of my youngest, the couch!

Hope

That's really cute. Did you take a picture of him stuck under the bed? I'd like to see that. Plus the one of him covered in poo. Please show those :)

If it helps any, I have no children but two dogs. Two very large breed dogs and I frequently lose one while in my 2 bedroom apartment. Usually one is standing behind me while I bellow for him/her. For a while there one always ended up in the walk-in closet because I'd shut the door on them. Eh, you find them in the end so that's what really counts.

Nosaby

Oh, I needed that laugh today. Thank you.

Jessica V.

So funny! and yet, so familiar to me. I regularly find my not-yet-crawling-not-even-scooting 8 month old in a completely new spot on the floor and ask my 4 y.o. how he got there. To which the gleeful response is "I steamrollered him there Mommy!" Nice.

Also, your entire last paragraph still has me laughing. Needed this today!

erin

you are crazy funny. the picture was perfect.

Linda

I can't believe you didn't take a picture of him stuck under the bed!:)

Elizabeth

Awesome post! I "lost" Kaitlyn once when she was around two, she had opened the door to our linen closet and crawled in. It was a moment of sheer panic and calling her name over and over before we found her.

Joy

Good gracious, he's cute!

Kendra

Oh, I love the rocking on all fours! And the face plant into the floor too; we also have hardwood. They just look so determined, but you know there's no way yet that they're going to remember to move all the parts at once. My first crawled, then walked. But my second and third army crawled all over the house, then started walking. I guess they knew there were kids to keep up with! And yes, especially when they were in the army crawling phase, I did lose them a few times.

Kristin

My 2nd son didn't roll over until after he was walking. Shit happens.

Wendy

The dingo ate your babee! Love it.

monica

this was a great post, loved it. i have a 4 month old lil guy right now (and r u telling me some 4 mo old babies can sit up...whaaa?) and love seeing ezra's pics and thinking ohmygod my baby will be big like that soooon!

egplnt21

thank you. With the third, its like, oh wow, you can do that? Who taught you?(cause it wasnt' mom or dad).

Pandechion

Bless you, woman. My daughter is four months tomorrow and shoots me fifteen-year-old glances regularly.

Kate

Dude, my daughter didn't crawl until she was 9.5 months. She started daycare at 8 mos and the providers were shocked that she wasn't crawling. They sent me home with crawling exercises. Oy.

I'm just glad I didn't care. Sheesh. We have enough to worry about. For example, I still wish I could hire you a nanny; at least part time. You just keep doing what you're doing, Mama.

PS - I once fell asleep for about 15 minutes when my 9 month old was playing on the floor in my bedroom. She was rolling her way out the door when I woke up.

Michelle

Hilarious! I love that picture.

Sadie

Hahaha!
My daughter is fifteen months old and is just now walking. Which is very much average and normal, but I cannot tell you how many people have looked bewildered when I tell them that she is not yet walking. Annoying!
Let's all burn the milestone charts!

Sprite's Keeper

True story: a "concerned" friend sent me a milestone chart when Sprite was about Ezra's age and she conveniently had a diaper blowout right on it. Classic.
Ezra is already ahead of the game. He has the looks!

lisa

Did you take a picture of him stuck under the bed? I'd like to see that.

Julie B.

Well my 7 1/2 month old IS crawling and I WISH he wasn't yet. Damn, it makes waiting for my 4 year old at speech and gymnastics so much harder. You cracked me up about the competitive eating. And don't worry about losing Ezra...at least you didn't let your baby pull up...and over...head first...out of his crib while you were reading blogs. Holy shit! I should have known when his "I don't want to nap" cries turned to giggles that something was up...Second kids definately get the I don't give a fuck...but hey..my guy is pretty content with my blase attitidue towards giving him french fries and ice cream already.

Kailee

Oh, God. This is just TOO FUNNY for words! I especially love Noah's "He's hiding!" I can just picture Ezra's cloth diapered butt peeking out from under your bed.

Brilliant post.

megs

Hank is scooting/army crawling everywhere and rather than impressive (as a first time mom i suppose I should be more impressed by milestones, I suppose) it's maddening because he WON'T SLEEP as he needs to spend the entire night rolling around and kind-of-crawling in the crib pushing himself into the corners, grabbing the bars (they do resemble prison bars, really), licking the bars for whatever fool reason, etc. All in service of "finding the sweet spot" to finally fall asleep in. FACE DOWN on the mattress (never even the slightest turn to the side) with his hands further sealing out all oxygen from his nostrils/mouth. Yikes squared.

Susan

My son crawled forever. He loved it! Even after he could walk, he would sometimes revert to crawling. I think it was faster and he was less likely to fall over. He's kind of cautious like that. :)

This post made me laugh so much though. I, too, would like to see a picture of Ezra stuck under the bed.

cata

OK, i'm going to sound like a real dick when i say this, because i don't have any kids, and am generally clueless, but i've heard so many moms say things like this! just the other day, "i came downstairs and lucy was ON the bookcase, teetering near the firepoker!" and i think, jeez, isn't that the whole point of why having a little one is tough? because you CAN'T leave them alone? ever?

Sara

Dude. how could you laugh at your poor baby? oh yeah. babies who can't do stuff are funny.
seriously though, I want to smunch Ezra's face, he's so cute!

Amanda

Cata-

You'd be surprised. They ALWAYS manage to master a new skill (crawling, climbing, reaching high enough to pull the fireplace poker set down from the mantle and on top of them last tuesday) in like the 3 seconds it takes to go grab a phone that is ringing or throw a basket of laundry in the general vicinity of a dresser.

They're quick little buggers.

Bea

you know, baby development charts are where it all starts. it starts with the crawling on time and before you know it, you're 29 with a mother breathing down your neck wondering if you're getting married, or 35 and everyone wondering when the hell you're gonna have babies.

development charts on the work of the devil.

andrea

yeah you gotta love the "what the f*&^% are you thinking mama" look

Hillary

We have tile floors everywhere. The Boy spent about three months covered in bruises. There's only so much help you can give a stubborn, independent baby practicing motor skills.

Cheryl S.

First, I give a big, tongue sticking out "PbbbllllffT" to people who drive you crazy with milestones. My daughter didn't even sit up until she was 9 months, didn't walk until 14 months and now she can outrun kids 2 years older than she is.

Second, I seriously almost spit out my coffee laughing. I lost my kiddo too when she was young. What was worse for me was finding her standing behind me in the kitchen one morning. I was like "Oh. You can get out of your crib. CRAP!" :)

Catherine S

I LOVE that you feed Ezra Indian food. I thought I was the only "bad mommy" who said I quit to making a separate meal for the small person in my house. Yep, my 9.5 month old get Jamaican, Indian, Sushi (cooked), Korean, and yes, other things with salt in them, GASP!

I already have my order in for a non mobile baby for the next as mine is the speedy variety who decided it was a good idea to start crawling just shy of 7 months. My mother is the one who wants to know why he isn't walking yet!! And implies that I am just not showing him the proper way???!!! WTF????!!! The kid hasn't hit double digit months yet.

April

I'm constantly losing babies. Typically at 3am, since we like to play musical-sleeping-surfaces in the middle of the night. By the time morning comes, I have no idea who is where, where I am, or what the hell happened.

Laura

Ha! That story reminds me of one my mom used to tell about my sister. My mom put my sister down in the middle of their king sized bed for a nap when she was itty-bitty, not even rolling over yet. When she came back in, the baby was GONE. Turns out, baby had learned how to roll over...and just kept rolling. Off the bed and UNDER the bed. While asleep. Girl's got mad skillz.

So poor mom, only 21 years old, lost her baby under the bed. I'm not sure if she had the same reaction that you did, considering it was her first baby and she was not hardened to the little things yet. :)

Kyla

The laid back 2nd kid attitude is why it took us forever to realize K has problems. BubTar was super advanced baby, so we just thought KayTar the slow poke was just a "normal" baby. Ooops. LOL.

I'm so impressed by Ez's eating. I fear NO ONE in my house will ever have that sort of culinary range!

heidi

love this post. it's like vintage amalah.

nonsoccermom

Ha ha ha ha ha ha, thanks for the laugh! Semi-mobile babies are so funny.

joaaanna

Girl - you crack me UP!

Maybe the dingo ate your baby!

lumpyheadsmom

Tongue-clicking! Oh, how I love the tongue-clicking. My other two didn't do it at all, but the baby is a great tongue-clicker. I'm busy blatting "Mama? Mama?" at him, and he responds by arguing in Zulu.

charlotte

Hm. I suppose I should lighten up, huh? I threatened TBIK with divorce when he sat Little Miss Kickboxer on the rug WITHOUT A PILLOW BEHIND HER!!!!, then turned around to get a toy, and PLONK! POW! SCREAM!!! my fragile little flower fell over and bopped her head.

Yeah, I think I need to lighten up.

Amymvr

I want to one-up the "not crawling" stories - my daughter didn't crawl until she was 10.5 months old (had to throw that .5 in there) and I was GLAD. Incidentally, I am an early intervention speech therapist who works with a bunch of OTs and PTs, so I figured I'd ask them about it eventually. Anyway, we were outside, and she launched herself off the blanket into a bunch off moss and pine needles and never looked back, and walked 4 months later. (GASP-didn't walk until 14.5 months? Yes, 14 montyhs is actually average according to the aforementioned PTs) OK, she is a bit of a klutz still, but she's only 5, we have time.

Katie Bug

This happened to my husband and our now 1-year-old...Ethan was, I dunno, 6 months old? (Hey, details are fuzzy.) He left him on his play mat in the living room and went to the bathroom. When he came back, Ethan was gone....until his little head popped out from under the couch. Husband was bright enough to snap a picture of it...and email it to me in a "where's Waldo?" kind of exercize.

He learned very quickly not to frighten Mama so. And the baby learned that it was awesome to hide under the couch. Good times.

Parsing Nonsense

Ha! I love little baby scowls, it seems as though Ezra is very advanced in his ability to display displeasure using only his face.

Glad he's a sophisticated eater and an adept backward scooter, these skills will get him far in life (meaning from the fridge to the couch).

Brooks

A scowl and a healthy dose of motherly disdain...can you say Stewie Griffin???

Alexis

Hot damn, woman! You're friggin hilarious. I love your blog.

nicole

My middle daughter couldn't roll from back to front untill she was almost 18 months. My oldest used to put her on her back just to "see if she could do it yet". Really she just thought it was funny. Good times...she is now a perfectly normal 7year old

professormama

My son wasn't crawling at 8 months- at all, he was super chub, and he rolled to get around, sort of.
Then we went to visit my brother who decided he would teach the boy to crawl, with a remote control car from like 1986.
I am not shitting you, the child started crawling the minute that thing went past him, and didn't stop. And his Dad and I thought, huh, were we not trying to get him to crawl? And then we thought, oh dammit, he can move by himself... I say enjoy the mostly stationary baby!

Becca

milestones, schmilestones. My 2 year old talks a lot, but it is most often indecipherable. 18 month to 2 year window, people!! Ezra is gorgeous, happy and healthy. As is Noah. People need to get a little dose of nunya, as in "nunya business" and remember that every person is different. It's not like I see women my mom's age walking around bragging about who hit menopause first. Sheesh. :)

Kate

You just made me laugh. A lot. Thank you.

Laura

You were in OC or Rehobeth? Either way, I can't believe the two of you couldn't find a way to steal someone's wifi. Hope you guys had a good vacation!

We're off to Manhatten on Monday. Isn't that funny...you city folk come to the country for vacay. And, us country mice go to the city. lol.

MommyNamedApril

My firstborn didn't crawl until 12 months and didn't walk until 18 months... which, despite being within 'normal' range for the doctors, is apparently egregiously abnormal for everyone not of the medical persuasion and resulted in regular lectures about what I should do Right Now Just This Very Minute Because Your Child Is DELAYED. MAYBE CEREBRAL PALSY, MAYBE IT'S AUTISM, OH MY GOD GET HIM FIXED!!!

Other parents suck.

Theresa

8 months old and not yet crawling? Sounds perfectly normal to me.

Carrie

And an "Airplane" reference for the win!

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

Yeah, under the bed is much better than the stairs. I'd have laughed too.

Chickenpig

My "little" baby girl is nearly 11 months and she hadn't mastered the crawl until 2 weeks ago. She could get around by rolling (very amusing) at 8 months, and she did a lot of that rocking thing, but no crawling. It is probably because she is such a champ at the eating thing. Her butt is the size of Texas.

Margie

Thank you for the belly laugh! Awesome!

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