I'd Say Something About REALLY Needing This Vacation...
June 18, 2009
...if only I didn't have to take my beloved rotten children with me.
(Alternate Title: My Own Unintentional Personal Testimony to Bad Mothering)
SCENE, YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, ABOUT 24 HOURS AFTER I WARNED JASON ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT PUTTING THE BABY TO BED IN JUST A DIAPER, AS HE'S BEEN GETTING A LITTLE GRABBY WITH THE VELCRO TABS ON HIS SUPER-FANCY CLOTH DIAPERS, AND ABOUT TWO HOURS AFTER I PUT HIM DOWN FOR A NAP WEARING ONLY A TOO-SMALL DISPOSABLE DIAPER BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RETRIEVING A SUPER-FANCY CLOTH DIAPER FROM THE DRYER ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAAAAAIRS WAAAAHHHH I'M TIRED
I heard Ezra stirring in his crib and I went immediately to collect him waited until he sounded good and mad before getting up off the couch.
I walked into his room. His diaper was off. There was...oh my God. Everything. Both. Everywhere. The sheets were soaked in three distinct places. And the...yeah. All over the sheets, the crib, THE BABY. The baby who lifted his head and beamed ear-to-ear when he saw his loving fucking horrified mother and that's when I saw the poop all over his FACE and immediately rushed over to rescue the poor thing from the filth turned and left the room to go back downstairs, sat back down on the couch and felt sorry for myself. And then I told Twitter about it.
When I returned, I was better prepared to properly deal with the situation. Because this time I had my phone. I took a picture and promptly emailed it to Jason with the subject line: YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I QUIT.
EPILOGUE
Two baths...TWO baths were required. (Helpful Hint: Don't forget to check behind the ears!) The good news is that I finally had a good reason to finally get around to finally removing those terribly dangerous crib bumpers that I wasn't supposed to ever have on in the first place, I KNOW, but I've just been so terribly BUSY. Rest assured that the bumpers are off and firmly in the category of Things We Shall Never Speak Of Again. because even though cloth diapering has given me a stronger stomach for this sort of thing, there are just some indignities from which fabric and padding cannot ever recover. Sorry, Wendy. You had a good run.
Luckily, the baby is even cuter than an old hand-me-down bedding set, so he can stay.
so... do we get to see the photo? this happened numerous times with my twins and I will never forget the smell. oddly enough i wish that i had taken pictures at the time but i was too busy screaming like someone in a horror movie.
Oh, man. Too funny! You deserve a Big Gulp of wine after that...
So, what with all the poop, could you tell what brand of heartworm meds was on the sticker from the vet's office?
Sorry you have had a couple of rough days. But what a HUGE GIFT you have for writing. Thanks for sharing it with us.
I once babysat for a family with 2 year old triplets who did this.
Duck tape works quite nice.
No really... that's what they used so they wouldn't take off their diapers.
Oh my.
And I thought it was bad when we had the Velcro come open spontaneously inside her jammies the other night, and our bed got all peed up.
Yeah, that was nothing.
I'm sure we've got one of the incidents ahead of us somewhere, though.
Oliver has JUST started hinting that he knows how to operate those velcro tabs ... oh this is a horror story! And Twitter is exactly the correct first line of response! I salute (and love love love your new photos --- we have our second session with her set up for October, all because of your lovely pictures)!
My first dog, when he was a puppy and we were still house-training him, had a similarly horrific situation in his crate.
He never went in the house again.
Think of it as potty-training preparation ...
The same thing happened to my cat last week. At least Ezra doesn't have fur.
that is the stuff of nightmares. Christ.
But Oh God, I love the real mothering stories. I like knowing I'm not the only one to
a.) twitter it first and
b.) remain on the couch til they're really good and mad.
My lil'guy painted the toilet seat with poop the other day. Now I know not to leave him alone in there either. It never ends! Luckily...it was a quick clean and now another reason to procrastinate on painting the bathroom.
Ah the memories. That I don't have because I was too little, but my mom is quite generous in sharing... ;)
Those photos are absolutely delightful!
Oh, God, I can only imagine. Oh, wait, I once had that! Only it was a 2-year-old sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor. So instead of being so much in the hair, it was in the carpet. But I had to pick her up and drop her, clothed, into the tub. I just washed everything at once. And the kids weren't allowed in the bedroom until the carpet had been washed several times.
When my middle one was "losing" his diapers during the night, we found that (since it was summer and we didn't want to dress him too hot) a pair of his older brother's underwear over the diaper stopped them from coming off. That saved me from many a panic-stricken moment.
Thank goodness this never happened with Sprite (YET, since she's doing the potty training now) (Yeah, I know. I hate me a little too.) But one of her classmates ran over to me a couple of days ago with something brown on her cheek that the teacher's aide thought was chocolate and wiped it off her cheek with bare hands and proceeded to sniff it and the look on her face as she realized where the "chocolate" had come from was priceless.
ok. I've been convinced. PJs on. ALL. THE. TIME.
This had me laughing so hard I almost woke the sleeping (THEY'RE SLEEPING thank the dear lord) twins. And for some reason, this post makes me feel better about everything.
Gives a whole new meaning to the word "shituation" huh?
I don't know how you did it. I would have horked all over the place.
It sounds like you deserve alcohol after that. Like. The strongest alcohol ever.
My son used to do that when he was a baby, except he would skip the take of the diaper part and just shove his hands down his pants and smear whatever all over the place. It was awesome fun for us, trust me. We had to put him in onesies until he was over it. Oy.
Also? OMG THE PICTURES OF EZRA! I love them. That is all.
First, we need to see the poopy photo that you sent to Jason and two, what's wrong with bumpers?!? My 17 month-old still has them on her crib. Should CPS be called or something?
Okay, I typed too fast, and I have to remark that it should have been "and second" NOT "and two." I cringe at the fact that I cannot go and delete it.
Yep to Jamie - Duct Tape. You can buy it in different colors to match his outfits.
I'm completely traumatized by that story, but the baby pictures!!! OMIGOSH - so cute.
Thank you for scaring me off children for a few more years!
(No really, this is a good thing. I'm not really ready to procreate :P )
That is one of the things that I'm afraid of...I'm convinced that it will happen to me any day now (especially after laughing at your predicament!).
The pics of Ezra are so cute...and the one of you & Ezra is so sweet! Buy them all!
I also made the mistake of putting my son to bed in only a BumGenius, which he them removed. Luckily, he fell asleep, peed the bed, and woke up mad. The end. I was so grateful it didn't get grosser!
I love your note to Jason! That is all.
Holy crap (literally). I would have run, cried and called my mom to save me.
Motherhood: it's the toughest job you'll ever love. And cannot quit. Ever.
I sure hope Jason brought home a case of wine. You deserve it.
Just discovered your blod... by way of @Cheaty... so funny. I love how you write and the swearing rocks. I have a 4 yr old and a 1.5 yr old... the vet visit sounded all too familiar!!
Wow, that is, um, disgusting. However, I now feel much less perplexed because yesterday when you tweeted this I was picturing your cutie opening up a Fuzzi Bunz all by himself and I couldn't believe he was so dexterous. My older daughter wasn't able to open snaps all the way through potty training, which was NICE.
I LOVE that you admitted to walking away!! I remember doing the same thinking, I bet I dreamed it, I bet if I open the door he'll be a clean, sleeping babe. I know it. I also remember screaming and rushing to him and scaring the shit out of him. Unfortunately, not off of him. :) Hope your havin' a beachy time!
I love that a mother's first instinct is often to grab a camera. That was my response when my daughter pooped her pull-ups, took them off, walked through them and then tracked shit all around her room. her carpeted room. Only after properly documenting the event and texting husband to come rescue me could cleaning the problem be considered.
Oooohhh. I feel your pain. My two year old decided to change his own diaper the other day, and after Hubs and I scrubbed everything up, (him proclaiming, "How much is a potty? Because maybe we should just buy a new one...." and me wondering the same thing about the boy) I went to grab a towel from behind the bathroom door and discovered that the beloved child had already tried to clean up the mess himself before we found it. With my precious white towels. I shiver just remembering...
oh goodness me, this I can relate to. At least three times a week. I'm not joking.
You're hilarious, I totally can relate to you.
The fact that no one has pointed out what a whiny baby you are sometimes shocks me. Your baby is covered in feces and you think it is a good time to twitter. Sounds to me like you are perpetually burned out on being a mommy. Maybe it is time to get a job out of the home
Oh. My.
And thanks for *not* showing the picture :-)
*Off to put some clothes on my baby who is sitting next to me in only her diaper*
Photo please....
I think there is an epidemic of diaper-rooting among babies lately. This is the second story about diaper-mining I've read on the Internets this week. And on Sunday my TWO YEAR OLD (who should know better, right?)managed to get poop out of his pull up, and all over the outside of his clothes, on his comforter, walls, carpet...
Then that night, he threw up twice, and the puke? Smelled like the poop. I asked him, "Did you put your poopy hands in your mouth?" "Yeeesssss I sowwwwy!"
Ugh.
Oh, and the two year old had clothes on. Yep. Shorts and a t shirt, though. Not a sleeper or anything. Gah.
omg, so glad I don't have kids now b/c I don't know how I would have handled it. Oh wait, I'd freak out, scream, cry, and hopefully be able to get someone to come over and clean up my kid!
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA.
HA.
Now I know what to expect from Little Miss Kickboxer one day. Even though, yeah, we did have two leaky blowouts yesterday, and a bath was involved, too. Just no ... ummmm ... fingerpainting.
Those pictures are awesome, BTW.
Laughing, laughing, laughing...and remembering. My first son did the exact same trick, except HE was a thumb-sucker, so when I found him he was covered head to toe except for his sparklingly clean thumb. My gag reflex kicks in even now, 17 years later. Yes, he survived, and I did too. Love your blog.
I am SO glad I'm not the only one who takes pictures of shit like this.
You have my sympathy.
I remember going to get K up from his naps and him being nakey from the waist down. Thankfully all he ever did was pee. Pretty sure I would have FREAKED THE EFF OUT about that and disinfected him instantly. Now that I have another baby, I'd have totally taken a picture and laughed, then disinfected him!
Having more than one child really changes your initial reactions!
Ezra is super precious in his pictures!
Sick! I remember when my niece got to the stage where she became obsessed with removing her diaper, her parents started duct-taping her diaper together. It was all so very GI Joe Pampers...
Hahaha. I haven't had this happen yet, but my daughter has figured out how to get her diaper off, so it's probably just a matter of time.
And I probably would have walked back out, closed the door, and taken a few moments to process the situation, too. If something like that could hurt a child, I figure God would have given kids shorter arms, right? Or else someone would invent childproof diapers. ;)
I used to babysit for a family who had a two year old & one year old that LOVED to play that trick. It was solved by a dresser drawer of footie pajama's that were put on backwards with the zipper going up the back.... rather ingenious of those parents if I do say so. Now if he starts removing clothes to get to the diaper you can at least zip him up backwards!
(Oh and Casey...man oh man. Tsk tsk. At least you didn't get nasty under the over-used Anonymous moniker. And that's all I'll say because my Mother taught me if I didn't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything at all.)
As I was digging cat diahrrea out of the wood on out coffee table last week I just kept telling myself "it's good practice for parenting."
Re: Casey--Daisy nailed it!
That's hilarious! Going to put pants on my child NOW!
I literally had tears streaming down my face as I read this. This is a masterpiece of mothering humor. And so much of it is funny b/c it is all too true! Love the sitting on the couch part, the returning to the couch part, and the "come home this minute" part! Ahhhh, it's good to be validated in that I am not alone. I have a baby boy just 3 weeks older than Ez and if I may pause in my adulation, Amy, I have a question. I may need to submit this to the Smackdown, but knowing me, I will never get around to it. My twee preshus? I always fear he will Get Too Cold. So he sleeps in a long sleeved onesie and halo sleep sack every time his butt hits the crib. Can I really put him down in just a diaper (and risk the consequences)? Honestly. The mere thought that maybe I over-dress to sleep, and the laundry this could save, has gotten me more excited than I'd really like to admit.
Ezra and Noah are gorgeous!
is it wrong i kinda want to see the picture?
beautiful portaits of Ez and the one of you and Ez.
Well, at least you did clean him up rather than handing him a spoon. (It's a long time joke I've had going about my oldest playing in his diaper when he was about a year old.) lol
I'm sorry, it's not funny I know. Oh who am I kidding, it's funny as hell and I agree that you should share the picture!!
Holy shit!
(Sorry, couldn't resist.)
My 9-month-old does the diaper dig, but he hasn't figured out how to pull them off yet. However, I've started feeding him stinky broccoli for lunch, so my days are numbered.
Ain't motherhood grand?
I clicked the link and looked at the pics of Ezra and my darling 2YO said "Cute baby! Hug?" and then attempted to hug my laptop screen.
Ezra is so. Freaking. Cute!
Apologies, Casey. I will try to thoroughly enjoy the next poop-related disaster I encounter, lest I give the impression that I am anything other than a robot.
And Andrea...yeah. You don't want to see the picture. I think it's one just for me and Jason and Ezra's prom date. Though the best part is that he's STILL actually smiling at the camera. Oh hai! I didz sumthing fun! Yay!
This is the sort of story (with pictures, preferably) that ought to be shared in sex ed classes in high school! Just in case the multitudes of birthing videos aren't enough to convince the horny kids to wrap it up, tell them that after the squeeze the baby out of their cooters, they get to deal with its bodily fluids in all kinds of horrific ways.
OMG, the baby pictures! Amazing!
Oh, the poop. My 3 year-old, who is FINALLY getting the hang of this whole potty training thing still won't poop in the potty. "Maybe tomorrow, Mom."
No, he goes in his underwear, takes off the underwear (usually in the playroom), and then yells, "Mom, can you come clean up all the poop? It's really yucky!"
This exact thing happened to me last week. I was all "downstairs is SO FAR AWAY, I will NEVER MAKE IT." So I put a disposable diaper on him instead of the bumgenius. When I went in to get him when he woke up he was holding a dookie in his hands and had painted himself a unibrow with it and used some for blush. The rest was everywhere else in the crib you could possibly imagine.
I could do nothing but stare in abject horror. My three year old snapped me out of it by saying "Mom, Keaton is covered in poop. We should just throw him in the garbage and get a new one". And I tell you for a split second I considered it.
Oh no. That is not...good. But I still want to see the pictures.
It happened with my sister twenty five years ago and she required teeth brushing.
I LOVE THIS POST! Thanks for letting me laugh at your misfortune. I have read the comments and I am thinking you may be out buying duct tape RIGHT NOW.
(I also agree with Daisy...if it's too hot for you--get out of the kitchen!)
Yesterday, my 7-month-old's diaper leaked while she was sitting on my lap. After I finished bathing her, scrubbing all the clothes and upholstery, and tossing my nice throw pillow in the trash, I logged on and read about Ez's incident. And I realized it could have been so. much. worse. Thanks for putting things in perspective!
Oh. Man.
Ok. rethinkimg BumGenius strategy. Must remember to have daughter in a onesie or (and I love this) underpants over them at all times!! aieee!
(full disclosure: I smeared my dirty diaper all over my mom's textured wallpaper when I was a toddler...sorry mom)
Sent this to a friend whose 15 month old took off his diaper and then pooped in his pajamas just a couple days ago!
Way to go Casey!!!
The fact that no one has pointed out what a b*tch you are SHOCKS me!
Sounds like to me that you are one of those people that always thinks they are better than everyone..
Maybe it's time you get a LIFE outside of putting down people on the internet...
p.s. Majority rules here and everyone wants to see the pics.. so pony up lady!! :)
Best. Comment. Ever.
"at least he doesn't have fur"
I'm still laughing.
lol the self protrait in pooh as we call it must be a boy thing. be happy you were not packed and ready to drive away on vacation only waiting for your lovely baby boy to awaken so you could leave. then find him, the bed, the bedding and walls covered in pooh and pee and having to delay leaving to clean up child, bedding and walls befor locking up the house and leaving for a week. needless to say my mom was very unhappy with my brother and vacation started a little late and after returning his room needed a good airing out.
Seems I am getting slammed here. First time reader; am on a co-worker's computer today (my mac died so i am in a horrible mood) and this site is in her favorites so I just read the past few posts and I just notice a whiny tone. Sorry maybe if I had more background here or if I was a mom I would understand the loyalty.
A friend of mine from childhood has a little brother named Derek. Derek was about 2 years old when he discovered - in the newly finished basement of the house his family lived in - a paint roller and a paint tray. He then pooped in the tray and began a very special painting project that no amount of soap and water could repair. Only new drywall.
So, you know - not to steal your thunder, but I felt it necessary to share.
This happened to me & my 10 month old a couple of weeks ago. I put him down in naught but a Bumgenius, and he woke up in a Romanian orphanage. When I opened the door to his bedroom and saw the carnage, I started crying.
Oh I just want to eat that little baby...HE IS ADORABLE. Oh i miss my little guy being tiny like that:(
Dying laughing over here - I so would have taken a picture too! In fact, when my then 3 year old got the little potty seat stuck around his neck (all on his own) and started to freak out, I asked him to hold on until I could snap his picture before removing it. He obliged - posing and smiling (naked, covered in spaghetti with a toilet seat around his neck) and then went back to freaking out while my husband did the removal. I was too busy laughing to be of any more assistance.
Amy - you make my day with your posts. Have fun at the beach!
This is the kind of thing that happens where you just want giant tongs to pick up that baby with and put him in the bath.
I'm confused! I thought bumpers were bad for newborns (what with the smothering and all) but that they'd be good for a baby who can move around and therefore get his legs stuck through the slats (and then try to TURN OVER, not that I know anything about THAT).
Buying bumpers was on my list of things to do this weekend, but now I don't know whether I should or not.
And if not...how do you keep the kid from twisting his legs off at the hip when he gets his feet stuck between the slats. HOW?!
p.s. We had a poo incident last week that involved putting Wombat in the tub with his clothes and diaper still on. I have pictures...
I've not yet had this particular fun-with-bodily-fluid-combinations with my two, but this, this is whine worthy.
I might have actually waited for Jason to actually get home, so I think you showed great resolve.
As always, thanks for sharing.
Amy, I do believe you are a saint. And in desperate need of a vacation, or at least a few hours off with some friends and some wine!!!
Honestly, I don't understand vicious commenters. Get a life. I LOVED this post. Keep 'em coming.
I read this earlier today and laughed with nostalgic thoughts running through my head. Fast forward a few hours. I came home from running my oldest to piano lessons and came home to an obviously grumpy husband on the couch, glaring at one of the 2 year old twins. Yes, a naptime poop smearing had occurred in my absence...and my husband stepped in it with bare feet and tracked it across the carpet. Awesome.
And seriously? I don't get the flaming comments - what exactly is bitchy or whiny about this post. It's called reality...
I wish the "intertubes" had been around when my children were babies. It would have been nice to know that this crazy crap (no pun intended) happened to others.
Funny, this was crazy funny; I saw the tweet and couldn't wait for the post .
And "casey" I think you should quit it.
This is the first time I was glad there was no picture. (I scrolled down cautiously, just in case.) The portraits are lovely.
...Urp. *squint*
Generally, I don't really think of myself as a super poop-sensitive lady, but man... I dread the day I walk into my unborn child's room and see a hurricane of sadness like the one you just told us about. (Makes me want to keep him/her in the tummy forever.) I would prance my happy ass back out into the living room, too, because HELL TO THE NO. That would take a moment to work up the courage for.
Also: BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF BEBES. Be still my heart. Beautiful, beautiful pictures. (You pretty, lady.)
And Casey? Don't suck here. This is a suck free zone. Suck elsewhere. Somewhere far away.
So glad you were able to get photos done with Kaileen. I was there a few weeks ago and mentioned that I'd heard of her from your blog and she was like "Wow, that old post is still getting me business, huh?"
And even though my baby is mere weeks younger than your littler one- I've been there with the poop. It's even GROSSER when it's not your kid. Trust me. I was a nanny. She had THROWN poo all over the room. Ev.ry.Where.
I came home at lunch to a mess in my puppy's crate. It smelled, quite literally, of dog shit. DISGUSTING. I guess it is good preparation for parenthood! Hang in there, and thanks for sharing this disgusting story with us, and don't worry, they'll both be back to being angels tomorrow. More pictures of your adorable children, please!
Oh my goodness!
Yessssssssssssss. Fucking amazing.
Oh yah - been there too...but with twins.
My two even decided to throw it back and forth between their cribs - I actually had to throw up before I could start cleaning them up.
The worst of it is, they were fully clothed when they went to bed - so we had to start duck taping their diapers on at bedtime.
Kids are too smart sometimes.
For as much vomit as we've cleaned up over the years, I don't think we've ever had the take-off-the-diaper-poo fest. I'm glad of that.
I remember those days! :)
At least it was your own kid. I had that happen to me when I was in high school babysitting. I had NO idea what to do, I was so freaked out. Luckily it was summer - I just took the kid (he was around 2 I think) outside and hosed him off (outside because I was thinking I didn't want to mess up the bathtub, WTF?) His mom thought it was hilarious.
Hee! I have had two similar assplosions this week. They definitely enhance what would otherwise be a rather boring, poop-free day.
Holy Crap - literally.
But hey, with such a cute baby...
well no, the poop part seemed pretty nasty... but at least you can look at those pics and try to forget... with a few bottles of vino.
Makes me remember ... the day when Zeke was about six weeks old and while I was changing his diaper he projectile pooped across the room. Got everything cleaned up, put him in the Baby Bjorn to go out for a walk, got a couple blocks away, and felt ... warmth, spreading down one side, turning quickly to cold and clammy.
I'm not going to spout the old cliche that "it gets better," because I'm not sure it's true: it gets easier in some ways, but harder in others. But there are better days ... hold out for one of those.
Hope you can get out of the house alone for a few hours some day soon.
I totally understand. I found something similar waiting for me one morning last week. It took HOURS to clean up the mess. And then, this morning when I decided I would take the kids out to get a Father's Day gift, I was derailed by poop in the high chair. Squishy. I cleaned it (and the kid) up, lost an hour and tried to leave again. I was putting small people's shoes on when... yep. Blowout #2. So now the kids are watching TV (because I'm a FANTASTIC mom), I'm surfing the internet and my husband? Well, his Father's Day gift is that he didn't have to clean up all the $#!+.
Leah, try Breathable Bumpers. http://www.breathablebaby.com (I got mine at BRU.) I have them on both my kids' cribs. No risk of suffocation, no trapped limbs and they collapse if they try to climb up on them. Also, machine washable. Even from poop. My Wendy Bellissimo bumpers became decoration around the baseboards of the nursery once I discoved these.
I was watching Quinn Bradlee on Charlie Rose last night and I thought of you and Noah. http://www.charlierose.com/guest/view/6665
This is somewhat random, but--re: your love of coke but your efforts to avoid high-fructose-corn-syrup. We buy Mexican Coca-Cola when we really need one, and they are made with real sugar. Plus the glass bottles make me feel all retro-fancy.
We usually buy from an ethnic-grocery but we noticed that some of our area grocery chains have them in the "ethnic" or "Mexican/Asian" isles.
Awww... adorable Ezra!! (the pics, not the pooh... the pooh..hee... sorry, it's funny for now, probably won't be when my little one proves he, too, can open these fancy diapers..eek.)
I don't know how people survived *before* twitter when they had to cope with a shitastic event of that magnitude.
Behind the ears is a good tip, and in my kid's case we also learned to ALWAYS check the neck folds.
Glad the whole experience is, uh, behind you!
Leah- we have a crib tent because of our many cats:
http://www.amazon.com/Tots-Mind-Cozy-Crib-White/dp/B00014PLAY
(also available at Babies R Us). It also keeps all limbs out of the slats - and reviews indicate that it prevents the kiddo from climbing out as well (we're not there yet).
So happy that this hasn't happened to us, at least not yet. Freakin hysterical!!! Those pics must be priceless.
Also Casey, you came back and read again after your craptastic comment, so obviouusly you read something you liked, no? You also must be pretty clueless and probably life hasn't nailed you in the ass yet. Don't worry darlin, it will, happens to everyone eventually:)