I'd Say Something About REALLY Needing This Vacation...
June 18, 2009
...if only I didn't have to take my beloved rotten children with me.
(Alternate Title: My Own Unintentional Personal Testimony to Bad Mothering)
SCENE, YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, ABOUT 24 HOURS AFTER I WARNED JASON ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT PUTTING THE BABY TO BED IN JUST A DIAPER, AS HE'S BEEN GETTING A LITTLE GRABBY WITH THE VELCRO TABS ON HIS SUPER-FANCY CLOTH DIAPERS, AND ABOUT TWO HOURS AFTER I PUT HIM DOWN FOR A NAP WEARING ONLY A TOO-SMALL DISPOSABLE DIAPER BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RETRIEVING A SUPER-FANCY CLOTH DIAPER FROM THE DRYER ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAAAAAIRS WAAAAHHHH I'M TIRED
I heard Ezra stirring in his crib and I went immediately to collect him waited until he sounded good and mad before getting up off the couch.
I walked into his room. His diaper was off. There was...oh my God. Everything. Both. Everywhere. The sheets were soaked in three distinct places. And the...yeah. All over the sheets, the crib, THE BABY. The baby who lifted his head and beamed ear-to-ear when he saw his loving fucking horrified mother and that's when I saw the poop all over his FACE and immediately rushed over to rescue the poor thing from the filth turned and left the room to go back downstairs, sat back down on the couch and felt sorry for myself. And then I told Twitter about it.
When I returned, I was better prepared to properly deal with the situation. Because this time I had my phone. I took a picture and promptly emailed it to Jason with the subject line: YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT THIS MINUTE. I QUIT.
EPILOGUE
Two baths...TWO baths were required. (Helpful Hint: Don't forget to check behind the ears!) The good news is that I finally had a good reason to finally get around to finally removing those terribly dangerous crib bumpers that I wasn't supposed to ever have on in the first place, I KNOW, but I've just been so terribly BUSY. Rest assured that the bumpers are off and firmly in the category of Things We Shall Never Speak Of Again. because even though cloth diapering has given me a stronger stomach for this sort of thing, there are just some indignities from which fabric and padding cannot ever recover. Sorry, Wendy. You had a good run.
Luckily, the baby is even cuter than an old hand-me-down bedding set, so he can stay.
I know this is horrible and you will all say, "lisa=fail" but never have I so wished for baby pictures. Especially the one where he beamed ear-to-ear and you saw it... Yes, that shot. Priceless.
I can forgive you tho for not handling camera & baby with the same fingers in this particular situation. But still. A pic would have been the icing on the chocolate cake.
I heart you. Enjoy the b-e-a-c-h!
Also Casey: I wouldn't want to join the slamming if it weren't for the transparent jerkiness. Your overly elaborate explanation indicates that you followed amalah's twitters, realized you'd been busted, and invented a cover story. Generally, when people are telling the truth, they don't explicate their actions so carefully and thoroughly (my computer died...so I'm using someone else's...and her favorites had the site...so I read some...etc.). There's also a logical inconsistency between being a "first time reader" who has looked around the site a bit and the phrase (from your first comment) "sometimes I wonder," which hints at a much longer readership.
It strikes me you are just as loyal a reader as the rest of us, just kind of a meanie as well.
I am SO HAPPY this is something we DO NOT have in common. :) I probably go through way more duct tape than you do.
Then you, of all people, will not think it's terribly disturbing that when I shrieked that the phone smelled like pooh, I was told that a certain little brother stuck it in the baby's diaper the day before. Not many people one can share a pooh story with...
My friend's baby kept taking her bumgenius's off. Putting them on backwards did the trick. Hope it helps.
OMG! This is so awful! Every time we think we're ready we hear another story like this:-(
When we have little ones, is it frownd upon to just cover their clothes with a whole layer of duct tape? Because I am heavily leaning toward that now. And I've only had the poop problem with our little dog in his crate, like another commenter :-)
First, my little sister earned the name of "Poo-Poo Picaso," so this story made me laugh and reminisce simultaneously. Second, I thought that these sleepers were a little nuts.. before I had a kid: http://www.littlekeepersleeper.com/store/Default.asp
You should offer them your story in return for a free lifetime supply! :)
Hope the sand is treating you well!
Uh, this is the reason that duct tape is sold in several colors.
My then 2 yr old daughter thought it was hysterical to pull her diaper off in the morning and swing it, poop and all, over her head in a fit of glee as her older twin brother and sister coward horrified in the corner and watched.
I broke down and bought hot pink duct tape. It went very well with the rest of her outfits at that age.
Aaaah, this is so funny. I pour you a virtual glass of wine. You might also get a snort out of this story ("Whose Poop is This"). At http://www.imperfectparent.com/articles/articles585_1.php. Not anyone I know, just something I also found funny.
Funny. A similar thing happened to me just this morning. Except it was the couch, not the crib, and it was a shit storm because the shit-covered baby wearing shit-filled diaper was trying to get away from me. Stupid child. Don't they know we always win? (I mean, aside from the cleaning up shit part?) Good luck with the Blogluxe awards. (I'm up for Funniest Blog too. That's how I found out about your blog.)
oh no! haha i am scared of the poo explosion days!
those pics are amazing, so beautiful!