In Other Words, GO BACK TO BED
23 Minutes

Monday Hodgepodge

Picture of the day:

I would have cut the crust off your sandwich for you, kid. All you had to do was ask.

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Secondary picture of the day:

<insert BANG BANG THUMP THUMP WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA before viewing>

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Story of the day, in which my husband goes to extraordinary lengths to conceal the fact that we'd forgotten that the refrigerator repairman was coming to the house and were not home at the agreed-upon appointment time
:

We were at a park with the boys when Jason's phone rang. He recognized the number and was all, OH SHIT OH RIGHT THAT, but instead of answering like a grown-up and admitting that hey, we're not home right now, something came up, give us 20 minutes before you send the guy over (as they were only calling to confirm our at-home-ness before dispatching the repairman), he inexplicably launched us all into a confusing campaign of intrigue and subterfuge, opting to call them back once we were on our way home to claim that oh yes, my wife is at home, I don't know why she's not picking up the phone there, maybe she's outside! Let me try to reach her.

Then he hung up, waited five minutes and called them back to say that yes, my wife is at home, send the repairman over. And he drove on, confident in his strategy of deception because the office was XX minutes away and we were only X minutes away, and when I pointed out that they probably just dispatched the guy from wherever his last job was, which could have been around the damn corner from our damn house for all we damn knew, Jason looked a little concerned, but still maintained that his plan was masterful and brilliant, if possibly a tad pointless, because I didn't quite get WHY we were going through all this, since I was pretty sure this was why the company had the call-before-dispatching-even-if-you-have-an-appointment policy to begin with, BUT ANYWAY, there was no reasoning with him, he was either posessed or mad with power or both, plus it was kind of amusing, especially when I turned around to remind Noah about the importance of always telling the truth, except for when you forget to update your Google calendar. The Baby Jesus says it's okay then, and that's the real reason why Easter is always a different date every year.

But then! Just when we thought we were going to get away with our evil scheme! We pull onto our street and realize that the REPAIRMAN WAS ALREADY THERE. OUR WEB OF LIES WAS UNRAVELING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES. So Jason drives by really fast and goes around a little loopy cul-de-sac thing, stops the car and orders me and Noah out of the car and instructs us to walk the rest of the way home and claim that we were playing outside around the corner, and then Jason drove back to the house and pretended like he had no idea where we were and let the guy in. The guy who:

1) I'm pretty sure saw our car sort-of pull up and then speed off to hide around the corner, and
2) Probably passed the very area where I claimed Noah and I had been playing, and
3) Was very grumpy, and probably more than a little pleased to report that our refrigerator is actually quite fucked and must be replaced after all, you lying sacks of shit.

THE END.

Comments

TMB

It makes me feel much better to know that my husband is not the only one of his kind in this world.

Sheri

I swear you just wrote the opening act for a new TV series! That is hilarious!

Amanda

...I totally would have done the same thing... And I don't know why.

PS: Drums + Baby = FAIL. I flinch for you. (But damn, he looks happy with it.)

Heather

Oh, I love it! This story sounds like something I would totally try to pull off. I hate those appointments! I am totally behind Jason on this one, Amy. But the story was hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

Wendy

I think you and I might be married to the same person.

Elizabeth D

I just laughed out loud. Sadly, I have done the same thing....lied about how I was home etc etc, but thankfully I didn't get busted. I am still picturing your car speeding up and driving away. I needed a good laugh today.....thanks.

junkie

possibly one of my favorites...ever

Joy

That is hilarious!!

JoAnn

I don't think I'm married to your husband, I think I AM your husband. Good to know there's more of us out there.

jessica Karlinski

Haha - that was hilarious. And that picture of Ezra is freaking adorable - what a cute kid!

denice

stop it. he did not do that.

Karly

I think I love Jason. We should totally get married. I can just imagine the lies we would tell together.

Just the other day I got all tangled up in a big web of deceit about why I couldn't stick around to help the vacation Bible school ladies with cutting out crap for the preschoolers because of a fake dentist appointment. Now I'm going to have show up to VBS with a missing tooth or something. Crap.

dancing_lemur

Okay, that story was hilarious. I think we've probably all done something similar at some point, to cover up the fact that we MESSED UP, DAMMIT. You know--"I'm sorry I missed the appointment, but I was...called into an emergency meeting at work. They said I didn't even have time to call you and cancel."

Also, I have a (I am not making this up) Crust Cutter...thingy that is mine to give away only I cannot convince anyone to take it. Can I send it to you? Please? It's just hanging out in my office, looking for a home. And then that sad looking sandwich would be...more even, or something.

lonek8

I always wondered why Easter fell on different days

Jennifer

Awesome.

That sounds like the same kind of stupid thing I would do too. Glad to know I am not alone.

Amanda

Peed on myself at work. Again.

Sprite's Keeper

It's funny how when I make up a steaming pile of lies to feed someone, it's okay. When my husband does it, the truth must be told!!
And yet, after reading this, I know the lesson is not learned.

aimee

My husband would concoct that exact same scenario! So glad to know he's now the only crazy man out there!

alaina

because the refrigerator man has never made anyone wait. ever.

Andrea

I admitedly have done similar acts of deception on a number of occasions...why? I have no idea.

sarah

hilaaaaaarious!

Karishma

ahahhaahhahha funniest story EVAH

parenting BY dummies

Quite possibly the funniest thing I've read all day, and today was a pretty good day. I would so commit to a show if that was the pilot.

Eva

Keep the drum for Ezra. My 2 year old loves it, he just can't get enough. I know (believe me) it is annoying! But it's got to be some great development/skill. Right?? Right??

sheilah

Oh my god! This is my husband exactly!! And it is always me who is the stupid sh%t who forgot the appointment.

...just wanna eat that cute little boy up...nom nom nom...

trilby

that's a man for you. And further proof that honesty really is the best policy. ;) lol

Starbuck

On the bright side, at least it was Jason who looked like an idiot while you and Noah were just victims of circumstance.

Sorry about the refrigerator but thanks for a great story and good laugh!

The Queen of Hyperbole

That may be the most delightfully stupid story I've ever read. The part where he gets you and the kids to walk the rest of the way is the best, in my opinion.

Maureen

Sell that story to a magazine to pay for your new fridge!

Oh, and my husband would've totally done the same thing. Probably even made me rehearse the lie in front of him.

ligirl

Bwah hahahahaha!!!! Too, too funny!

Elizabeth

I cannot believe he made you and Noah GET OUT OF THE CAR. Too funny!

Julie

The part when he made you and Noah get out of the car is the best! LOL! I love it. :)

Hope

The crust thing - pure genius on Noah's part. I'd shalack that and frame it.

wordnerd

Ok, today? I'm not laughing with you. I'm laughing AT you.

Sara

lol, that was awesome.

Parsing Nonsense

Awww, it's kinda sad to think about how excited Jason would have been if his scheme had worked. Poor guy.

Val

SO funny!!! Laughed out loud.

The Informal Matriarch

My kids always take out the center of the bread. I always leave crust on cuz I hope that one day they wont mind...as if right?

megs

When I ever manage to "sleep when the baby sleeps"--which is pretty close to never--and someone say, calls me, and I say, sound quite sleepy, and they, say (okay the says are getting out of hand), say (well that one is this clause's VERB so I NEED it) "Oh, I'm sorry--did I wake you?" I lie my sleepy ass off. "No, I was just [insert who knows what explanation I give because I'm half asleep so I usually don't remember the conversation accurately]." Why do I tell such a needless (and obvious) lie?

At some level it's that I don't want them to feel bad for waking me up. But I think that since my baby hardly ever sleeps, and sleeps for no more than 45 minutes at a time day or night, I'd rather people just think I never ever get any sleep so that they never ever stop feeling sorry for me.

Denise

Jason,
WTF????

Amy,
LOL!!!

Jen

LOL Sounds like a storyline straight out of a sitcom! Ever thought of getting into television? :)

Kathy

My BFF attempted to give my 2YO a battery-operated drum machine this weekend. I managed to escape with only a mildy-annoying tambourine. Got off easy, I did.

Stacy

Er, yeah, I do the crazy implausible scenario too...haha... but worse is that I usually AM home when these people ring the doorbell, and because I live in an apartment where I can't see who is buzzing me, I usually think it is some person trying to sell me something I never bother to go down and open the door. Then I get a call from my husband saying WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING THE DOOR THERE IS A REPAIRMAN OUT FRONT CALLING ME! and I'm all - oh yeah, huh, I didn't hear the buzzer because I was, er, rescuing orphans from a fire next door!! sorry! I will...just go and let him in now...erp

Kyla

Hahaha! That is pretty funny.

Texxla

That is the funniest story ever! I would have been laughing my a** off when I got home though and totally busted Jason. That's my problem when I lie, I can't stop laughing and that scenario would have put me over the top!

die Frau

One day I know this will happen to us...but it will be some combo of DH calling me saying, "Why aren't you home? The guy is in our driveway!" while I'm out to lunch with my mother or something.

That was a beautifully hilarious story. You have a gift, lady.

Katie Kat

THAT was greatness! I never knew Jason was so wacky! And by "wacky" I mean "fucked up with issues!" At least that makes him just like the rest of us.

That really should be a TV episode!

Katie Kat

P.S. OOOOOOOooo, and then you could call the show "Fucked Up With Issues." Awesome!

zaracat

Did you know that excessive drooling is associated with sensory disorders? I was doing some research on it and your old post popped up. I could see the wet shirt of Noah:
http://www.amalah.com/amalah/2006/05/so_its_come_to_.html

I can see in the above picture that Ez is drooling a bit. It could be just regular baby drool, but keep an eye on it.

Stacey

Does Jason mind when you tell stories like that on the internets??

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

amanda

This story is awesome in every way.

TheGoriWife

I'm totally on Jason's side. You can't let them win!

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

LMAO!!! That's AWESOME! Awesome. Heh.

Also, thank you so much for the response to my e-mail yesterday. I checked out the links and meant to write you back, but absolutely totally completely 100% forgot, so I'll try to do that tonight!

Although, if I forget, um, we're blaming it on the pregnancy instead of my lame-ness, okay?

amy

Every time I think you've reached the pinnacle of posting hilarity, you inevitably go and do it again at some later date. This story is fundamentally funny, of course, but your telling is masterful.

Also, unsolicited cost effective tip: Refurbished 'frigerators from used appliance stores. We've done this over the years(and also with washers and dryers), and it's always been just fine. Then you can sell the thing on Craig's List if you ever want to upgrade to something all shiny and fancy and freezer on the bottom-y. I do love Craig's List.

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