I Asked a Bottle of Red Wine to be My Life Coach, and Look Where It Got Me
Neck Cramp, Camp. Hey, That Rhymes! I Hereby Declare This Entry "Cohesive."

Deodorant Wars IV: The New Class

(Part One, Two, Three)

I originally planned to rewrite the theme song for Saved By The Bell with all new deodorant-inspired lyrics. I got as far as "When I wake up in the mornin' and my pits give out a warnin' and I don't think that I'll ever stay dry" before I thought better of it. MOVING ON. Let's meet our fresh new cast members:


DEGREE SEXY INTRIGUE: Hi! Yes. For real. I'm SEXY INTRIGUE from Degree's new "Fine Fragrance Collection." Because apparently deodorant has gone and gotten itself a big ol' complex about being one of those boring, utilitarian things that everybody uses. No! Deodorants are FANCY now. Fancy and fine and blinged out to the maxx. We're like recession perfume. Caviar for your armpits. You may not have a job or much money anymore, but goddammit, you've got a deodorant with a GOLD STICKER ON IT, bitches.

Let's take a closer look at that label:


(Sexy! And intriguing! I could stare at those...um...amoeba-like puffed-rice animal-spot things all day. I feel like this is the EXACT design that would result if you asked The Girls Next Door to come up with something.)


SECRET SCENT EXPRESSIONS: Whatever, gold labels are nice, but look at me! I SPARKLE. Like a certain abstinent teen-angsty vampire that apparently All The Kids Today are going bonkers over. I wonder if there's a way I could cash in on the Twilight franchise even MORE directly...


Also available: Cool Melon Cullen and Wet Werewolf.


DEGREE GIRL: Hi! I'm Degree Girl. I smell like Just Dance. I'm...okay, I'm just totally ridiculous.


SUAVE: I cost a dollar.


NATURALLY FRESH: Hi, I'm Naturally Fresh. A Spray Mist That Cares About Breast Cancer. But not about what Snopes says. I care about YOU. And your health. As you can see by my all-inclusive label, I don't care whether you're a man or a woman: Use me and you will ALL die alone. And smelly. Fine, I don't work very well, but it's the thought that counts. Right?





Special-guest star DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION helps Suave get a date by making him do a lot of push-ups. Naturally Fresh provides the "just be yourself!" bullshit. In the end, everybody learns and loves and laughs.


And on a Very Special Episode, very special guest star Dried-Out Empty Tube Of Degree Ultra-Clear stops by to have a talk with the girls about not having sex on prom night.

(Dear IRS, Yes, I am indeed submitting a receipt for a ridiculous number of deodorants as a business expense. As you can see, I am a serious businesswoman conducting very serious business.)


Jessica V.

Just choked on my lunch over "cool melon cullen and wet werewolf" - best thing ever.

amy sanders

I'm curious if you take all the pictures first, and then write it up, or sit and write it up, and snap pictures as you're looking at them there on the counter.

It was the pushups line that made me wonder.


Ditto JessicaV.

ms martyr

Oh how I hate Tom's deodorant. I was reduced to using it while I was undergoing radiation and I might as well have used nothing. Kiehl's Superbly Efficient Anti-Perspirant and Deodorant is the best. Unfortunately it probably doesn't know how to act for your melodrama.

Jen Ambrose

Am a little disappointed that you didn't finish the theme song.


Normally, I hate those spray deoderants (somehow, some particles get in my mouth - and let me tell you, deoderant spray tastes AWFUL), but here? They're hysterical!

And really, you should write those SBTB-inspired jingles and sell them. There are probably millions of us who grew up watching the show and would then totally buy the associated deoderant, if only for nostalgia.


Cool melon Cullen! Wet warewolf! BWAHAHA! I needed that laugh today; thanks.


I enjoy these Deodorant entries far, far more than I probably should. What will happen next? Who will join the party? Will Degree Just Dance go all the way with Cool Melon Cullen? How will I live with all the suspense???

Dear IRS: Please continue to support Amy's business deodorant needs. It's important to our country. Clearly.

cindy w

Ok, the Suave "I cost a dollar" one made me laugh. A friend once told me to use Suave deodorant on my bikini line to prevent those nasty red razor bumps. (She claimed, "It's what the strippers do!" Well, ok, then. I won't ask how you acquired that particular tidbit of knowledge.) So I tried it, and... it totally works. For real.

So now in my bathroom cabinet, I have my normal stick of Secret, plus the Suave. And my husband calls the Suave my vagina deodorant. (Which, DUDE! I'm not giving myself a razored Brazilian, so he's totally off with the terminology, but eh, it's funny, so whatever.)

Sprite's Keeper

Just what I needed, a good laugh!


Dude, that's a lot of deodorant.


Yeah! they're back!
I'm not sure the girls next door could have come up with the word "ameoba"

Daily Tragedies

I can't help but think the amoeba-like things on the Degree Sexy Intrigue label look like ... well, sexy , intriguing lady parts. You know, in a Georgia O'Keefe sort of way. OK, I'll stop talking now.

Melissa Rhinolegs

i'm so glad you added that little postscript, because my first thought was "i wonder if she's going to claim all those deodorants as a business expense." god, i am such a nerd.

Mrs Soup

That is hilarious. I love these!! Keep them coming!


So I can't help but wonder if you buy all these deodorants at the same time from the same store or if you spread it out so the cashier at Target doesn't start gossiping about your personal hygiene.

Also - Cool Melon Cullen is truly inspired. Bravo.


did you know that dove now has a new deodorant that claims to minimize hair growth over continued use? yeah...


These always make me sad because I am a consumer whore and I want to buy all these deodorants with their sparkly packaging and lofty promises but I HATE scented deodorant because it makes me nauseous and none of the new shiny deodorants come in an unscented version.


I would love to know what your cashier says about you after you leave the store.


Deodorant Wars, Star Wars, and war musicals/movies with musical numbers are the only wars that I support.

(And by "war movies with musical numbers" I mean such things as 1776, South Pacific, Hair, and Across the Universe.)

In other words: I heart this series.

Jen L.

This 100% made my day. "I smell like Just Dance." (Dare I ask what THAT smells like?!) HAAAAAA! Hilarious, as always.

Parsing Nonsense

These light up my whole life, well done Amalah!

Do you think the "Just Dance" scent is inspired by the Lady GaGa song? If so, it's severely lacking in all that makes Lady GaGa magical (e.g. roman candle bras).


My daughter LOVES her some Degree. I can't wait to show her this. Inspired, as usual!



Ha! I love these. Side note re: deodorant; Mitchum unscented allegedly for men? Super amazing for women. Downside? Is a gel. Upside? You smell amazing forever. Discovered it in high school when their tagline was something along the lines of "So effective you can skip a day". It was love, it IS love. Been using it for about ten years.


Love it!! I totally want to smell "I smell like DANCE". Because when I think of a dance smell....it's not pretty!

You should add Dermalogica's deodorant to your saga. It's what my husband uses....he's got sensitive pits :)


I bought some deodorant the other day that smells like booze. Now I walk around smelling like I spent my day pounding back some cocktails.

PS Your latest aquisitions look a little slutty. No offense.


woohoo! My Sauve Powder deo finally made it to the war!
My daughter and I were smelling deo yesterday at the big box store and of course she was drawn to the Degree Girl Just Dance one.


I just wanted to let you know that I squealed and clapped when I saw another deodorant wars entry! LOVE THEM! Almost as much as train picture essays and Ceiba picture essays.


The twilight deodorant had me at the sparkles.


I bought the unscented Naturally Fresh for a camping trip so the bears wouldn't eat me. My boyfriend bought Tom's pine-scented one so he'd "blend in with the trees."

I can see how those two will be spending a lot of time together. Since neither of them work.


We, your adoring public, will buy all this deodorant FOR you if you can't claim it as long as you keep coining terms like "recession perfume."


Amalah: making my working day more livable. God GOD I needed that laugh!


Deodorant Wars Ep. 3 was what brought me to your blog in the first place. (Explain that, search engine...) So, it's a happy moment for me to see Ep. 4, and thusly bug all my friends until they read it. Yay you!


Love these.


Yaaaayyy! I am unreasonably happy about another installment of Deodorant Wars. :)


I really enjoy these more than I should. Please never stop. Also, now that you mentioned it, you have to finish the song!


i am all about deodorant wars and cannot wait for the next installment. (i use only 'healthy' deodorants myself. weleda is my favorite)

Alias Mother

I think the real question here is: how big is your medicine cabinet? Because that's a lot of real estate we're looking at.


Smells like Dance does seem counterproductive.


I loved this post so much that I underwent the agony of my computer's lack of intelligence an speed to reenter my information about FIVE times to tell you so.

So. There. I like the deodorant wars. Take THAT IRS.


My mom's had breast cancer, and the info. that I read on the Snopes page is what scares me... I bought some Toms Apricot Deodorant. It sucks. Sticky and makes you smell like fruit. My 8 month old can do that to me...

Seriously, what gives? I'll go back to my regular Degree, for the summer at least.

Plano Mom

The theme song for Just Dance is "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
Love these, keep em coming. But I wanna know - which one of these works worth a damn?


This post was hilarious!

Second on the Mitchum. It works great. And I am buying some Suave for my razor bumps TODAY. Thanks Cindy W!


I don't know why this is so awesomelly funny. It just is.


FWIW, Suave has always worked for me, no matter where I apply it.


Do you think the Degree Girl packaging required some royalties from Unilever to Nike or is it just me? Because if I were a marketing exec at Nike, I'd take one look at the combination of the checkmark and the "just" slogan and think... ah, borderline infringement?

Wow. Who knew my professional brain still worked after 3+ years as a fulltime SAHM?


I have just ordered some of the Khiel's deodorant one of the earlier commenters mentioned. A Khiel's body wash once gave me a horrendous rash so let's hope that was an isolated incident.

If Khiel's can solve the odor problem that happens once a month, I will be amazed.

Wait, it's deodorant sharing time, right?


Would love to hear the rest of the Saved by the Bell song! Too funny!


I want some more Cool Melon Cullen & Wet Werewolf. Hilarious Amy, love it.


I got an odd jolt of excitement at seeing the title and opening picture. Deodorant drama!! How can you not love it?


I enjoy deoderant wars but I am craving some Sir Top 'em Hat and the rest of the Thomas trains set gang...they are the best!


I never realized the entertainment value of deodorant until I met you. LOL.


ok Degree Ultra Clear in Satin something or other is the BEST. Scented deos make me nauseous too but that Satin one doesn't at all. It's almost like unscented. Ok, and that Sexy Intrigue smells like ASS!


Less deodorant. More short bus riding-kid stories.


Bwahahahahahaha..."cool melon cullen and wet werewolf".


I am still pretty upset that Secret switched away from the "soft solid". I loved that stuff!


My husband came home with some crazy special edition Degree V12 deodorant this weekend and I have to admit, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Hey! This would make a great male lead in Amy's Deodorant Wars." And then I went out and found myself a hobby.


oh please add Axe Genuine Leather to your next installment as the male lead (or maybe some kind of deoderant love triangle with Sexy Intrigue!)

baby nursery decoration

Hilarious! Yes, who ever thought to make deodorants trendy? Were sales going down? All of a sudden teens didn't care if they smelled bad? Ridiculous!

Suzy Voices

YAY! The return of the deodorant wars!! Bella Bloom is just freaking ridiculous.

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