I originally planned to rewrite the theme song for Saved By The Bell with all new deodorant-inspired lyrics. I got as far as "When I wake up in the mornin' and my pits give out a warnin' and I don't think that I'll ever stay dry" before I thought better of it. MOVING ON. Let's meet our fresh new cast members:
DEGREE SEXY INTRIGUE: Hi! Yes. For real. I'm SEXY INTRIGUE from Degree's new "Fine Fragrance Collection." Because apparently deodorant has gone and gotten itself a big ol' complex about being one of those boring, utilitarian things that everybody uses. No! Deodorants are FANCY now. Fancy and fine and blinged out to the maxx. We're like recession perfume. Caviar for your armpits. You may not have a job or much money anymore, but goddammit, you've got a deodorant with a GOLD STICKER ON IT, bitches.
Let's take a closer look at that label:
(Sexy! And intriguing! I could stare at those...um...amoeba-like puffed-rice animal-spot things all day. I feel like this is the EXACT design that would result if you asked The Girls Next Door to come up with something.)
SECRET SCENT EXPRESSIONS: Whatever, gold labels are nice, but look at me! I SPARKLE. Like a certain abstinent teen-angsty vampire that apparently All The Kids Today are going bonkers over. I wonder if there's a way I could cash in on the Twilight franchise even MORE directly...
Also available: Cool Melon Cullen and Wet Werewolf.
DEGREE GIRL: Hi! I'm Degree Girl. I smell like Just Dance. I'm...okay, I'm just totally ridiculous.
SUAVE: I cost a dollar.
NATURALLY FRESH: Hi, I'm Naturally Fresh. A Spray Mist That Cares About Breast Cancer. But not about what Snopes says. I care about YOU. And your health. As you can see by my all-inclusive label, I don't care whether you're a man or a woman: Use me and you will ALL die alone. And smelly. Fine, I don't work very well, but it's the thought that counts. Right?
COMING UP LATER THIS SEASON, ON DEODORANT WARS, THE NEW CLASS:
Special-guest star DEGREE CLINICAL PROTECTION helps Suave get a date by making him do a lot of push-ups. Naturally Fresh provides the "just be yourself!" bullshit. In the end, everybody learns and loves and laughs.
And on a Very Special Episode, very special guest star Dried-Out Empty Tube Of Degree Ultra-Clear stops by to have a talk with the girls about not having sex on prom night.
(Dear IRS, Yes, I am indeed submitting a receipt for a ridiculous number of deodorants as a business expense. As you can see, I am a serious businesswoman conducting very serious business.)