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Philosophipool

No. NO!

About two weeks-ish ago, Kristen H commented that there's nothing like a pregnancy scare to REALLY help you figure out how you feel about having another baby.

When I missed my period this weekend, my feelings were something like: oh hell oh shit oh fuck oh minivan.

When I stopped at a drugstore near by parents' house in Pennsylvania for a pregnancy test, the girl ringing me up gave me a knowing sort of stinkeye, and I stared at my feet and felt awkward and...you know, SHAMEFUL. I shoved the bright pink package into my diaper bag and ignored it for the next several hours while Jason kept looking at me with his eyes bulging out of his head. Who was I and what had I done with the peestick-happy woman he'd married? What was I waiting for, already?

"I don't have to pee yet," I whispered. Even though I did. Kind of. Let's just say I've peed on sticks with less.

Finally I retreated to the bathroom and dug out the package. I opened up a stick -- careful not to destroy the wrapper, since I sure as hell wasn't leaving pregnancy-test debris in my parent's wastebasket -- and whoa, deja vu. So many times -- SO MANY TIMES -- I'd done this, desperately hoping, knowing in my head that I was going to be disappointed, but still. Hoping.

I still wasn't exactly sure what result I was hoping for this time. But when the test result displayed a resoundingly solid negative, I realized that wasn't it.

I wrapped the test up in a tissue and shoved it back in the package and into the bottom of the diaper bag and went back downstairs. I shook my head -- just a tiny bit -- at Jason.

"No?" he asked. I shook my head again. I felt so obvious -- and so very lame, and a little arrogant, for assuming that my body would ever make anything that easy.

"NO?" he asked again. There was obvious disappointment in his voice. I raised my eyebrows at him, like, really? REALLY? You realize we're insane, right? Only one of us is allowed to be insane about stuff like this. And I believe I called dibs on the baby-making insanity years ago. You be the practical one, dammit!

"It's for the best," we later agreed. Definitely for the best. Fun and exciting in theory, certainly wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen but...yes. For the best. Like we said! Give us time to get back above water after a bad year of medical bills and taxes and everything in our house deciding to up and break at the same time. Give Noah some more time to really progress at camp and school.* Give us all some time to really soak up and enjoy Ezra's babyhood.** Give me time to actually not have a baby for awhile before deciding that I cannot live without another one.

(Of course, I did only take one test, and I did buy a two-pack...and...)

(STOP IT, SELF. OH MY GOD.)

So. No. That is that. I am both relieved and disappointed. Mostly relieved. No. Yes. I don't know. Make that relieved, disappointed and conflicted. Three things. Relieved, disappointed, conflicted, and batshit insane. Wait. Amongst my weaponry are such emotions as...eh. Fuck it, I don't know how to end this entry so I'm just going to go with the ol' just-stop-typing method. Right after a couple footnotes and photos.***

* Camp. CAMP! They keep losing our lunchboxes. But they also keep sending home a child who is a million times calmer, more coordinated, more talkative, better behaved and possibly even more adorable than the one I dropped off in the morning. Either Noah is REALLY clicking with this particular approach to occupational therapy or they are slowly turning him into a cyborg. He went on the monkey bars for the first time ever this weekend, and did a damn good job on them. Today he came home and told me everything he learned about whales.

IMG_2946 IMG_2942

** I swear, that child woke up this morning looking two months older than he did when I put him to bed last night, what the HELL.

IMG_2981 IMG_2976

*** Yes. They match. Sometimes I do this to them, because I am Like That. Look, I have no dresses or bows or adorable little striped tights, so you have to indulge me here.

Comments

Ivie

Holy hell - tell Ezra to stop growing up. RIGHT. NOW. He is getting so big too fast!

And Noah, what a doll! Everytime you've posted pictures recently, he just looks happier and more relaxed. I'm so glad to hear that summer camp is working out well for him!

MommyAttorney

Well, I'm happy/sorry/confused? for you. Maybe this trip down confusion alley will at least help you make up your mind a bit more...

I'm so glad camp is going well. The boys are so adorable.

Lorena Davis

I don't comment often, but I do read everything you write, and I think you are funny and awesome and I aspire to be half as well written as you someday. (I can dream, yes?) You are an amazing mother and your two boys are beautifully, wonderfully perfect. I'm so happy camp is going well for Noah, and I hope you end up with the exact number of people in your family that you want. You rock, the end.

ptrap

Ezra's all bad-ass gansta lookin', like he's about to bust out of this baby jail cell and bust a cap.

Cautionary Girl

There's always next month, lovely.

And all the months after that. :)

lizneust

This happened to us last winter. Except we were pregnant. After the initial shock wore off, we were kind of psyched. We hadn't planned on three, but maybe it could work.

And then a few weeks later we weren't anymore. And that sucked, not only because we had gotten our hopes up, but because it reopened the whole "do we? should we? can we?" The answer was ultimately a regretful "no," but I know how tough this is. Good luck working your way through it.

In other news, your boys are ADORABLE! I love the matching outfits, and thrilled to hear about Noah's progress.

slyeyes

I love the matching outfits, but, I do have to say that Ezra doesn't appear that thrilled.

Amanda

Dude! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EZ?! He's all older and stuff! I had to stare at that picture for a long time before I decided that yes, you probably do know for sure that he's your child and no, I probably shouldn't insinuate that you've traded him for a different one that you found down at Costco, but, uh... Did you? Because holy crap. He doesn't even look a *little* the same. Maybe it's the light. Or kidnapping. Whichever.

(So awesome that Noah's doing well-- GO NOAH!!)

LPC

The thing about pregnancy tests, even when you know it's not the right time, some part of you just wants the reassurance of the miracle. The fabric of the universe tears right open when the line appears, and how often does that happen to any of us in this life?

lisa

is it wrong to say its still early maybe we have hope still maybe please?

MLB

Not for nothin', but when I was pregnant with #3 first test came back negative. Just saying . . . .

anymommy

I never comment, always read, but I had to say, oh, I know. I know that hope/relief/wish. Wanting to be the one who gets the "surprise" baby and not wanting it at the same time.

Hope

Yeah for camp!!!

Ezra, please stop growing. He's totally going to run soon, I can see it in his face. STOP. HIM.

Ulla

Holy crap. I've been reading your archives (I have no job! My couch is so comfy! You are so funny! Give me money! What?) and I'm currently in March 2007 and Noah was much SMALLER then. And you're all like casually throwing up a picture of a GROWN UP Noah and I'm all like "College, already?" and then I'm all "yay! progress for the college bound little man!" and then I'm all "wtf, isn't Ezra supposed to be a BABY? Why is he standing up and looking wisely over his domain, the playground?" and then I'm all like *types really long comment*. The End.

Sprite's Keeper

Great OT or Cyborg, either way he's happy!
And I completely understand the mixed relief/disappointment. I went through it every month while we "weren't trying", hoping for a miracle mistake. Now that we are trying, it's not relief but more frustration.

aimee @ smilingmama

I love that they match. Totally adorable!!

Missie

Yay for The Noah! Cuteness is his super-power.

And Ezra is FIERCE! I love his Brown Steel in the last pic.

Lisa

I matched -- OH HOW I MATCHED -- so much our wall of Xmas/Easter pictures is called "Mommy's Wall of Future Therapy."

(In my defense, I was a subscriber to the Lands End catalog. Lands End has MATCHING FAMILY SWEATERS, people. How could I resist?)

Ailidh

I have no words for you, but I've peed on a couple sticks in terrified anticipation and been relieved and disappointed. Lately. My heart goes out to you, for I too am batshit insane.

Crystal

Apparently, it's quite easy to get a false negative on a pregnancy test. Or so I've heard. Just sayin'.

Your boys are adorable.

paranoid

Same thing happened to me this weekend. I know I have next to no chance of getting pregnant, even if I ever managed to find time to, um, get pregnant (if you know what I mean). The Boy and even agreed last week that we're done (fwiw, we have a 5 month old and a 3.5yo).

But my breasts have been sore for a week now, so I had to test. I keep wondering if it's conditioning or actual baby-wanting that's responsible for the rush of disappointment I felt when the test area remained glaringly white. Lord knows, I have my hands full now, but it is hard to accept that I'll never be pregnant again.

Miss Grace

Now you know you'd like one more, it'll happen when the time is right :)

J

What? Ezra grew up!

I had a 6mo and a 21mo, and I had a pregnancy scare a couple of weeks ago. After panicking at the thought of a newborn, a 13mo, and a 28mo, I thought "What the hell? It'll be fun!" My husband and I were both a little bit disappointed at that negative, but really, it probably is all for the best. Right?

Tiffany

Peed on a stick this weekend also. Oh, and I have a 9 month old like you! (xan was born on 10/10). I have regular periods post baby up until April and then... nothing. Been taking tests every couple of weeks AND went to the doctor and she didn't do blood work, so I kept hoping that maybe I could be? Do I feel sick? Do my boobs hurt? Peed on one Friday and woke up Saturday to my period. I guess that was a definite NO NO NO, but now I'm a little relieved and sad.

lumpyheadsmom

Matchy! Love the matchy! I'm guilty of it too.

juiceboxhero

Agreeing with MLB that you should hang to that second stick. If you don't bleed in a few days, try again. I got a false negative with baby #1.

susannah

Hey - what happened to that baby you had like last week? He's all growed up! You got yourself a full-blown little boy there! Actually a mighty fine set I'd have to say. (I'd have the match every once in awhile too. I'm like that as well.)

jodifur

Michael has the same shirt. So all three of us could go out together and they could match.

I had to throw that in there.

Adrienne

You keep producing such beautiful offspring and the Internet will demand that you have another 12 or so. It will become a crime for you and Jason to stop:)

Kim

I love the matching outfits! I'm due in October and my girls will be 16 months apart (pray for me!). I already bought matching dresses for their first pictures together. Crazy I am but it doesn't take much to amuse me.

SarahD

Yeah. When I weaned my second child and my period didn't return for 6 weeks, I took at least two pregnancy tests during that time, and when my period finally did come my thought was "Of course. My body could never actually make it that easy for me, could it." I know most folks deal with the reverse problem, but wouldn't it be nice to have your reproductive system surprise you by how WELL it's working, for once?

Motherhood Uncensored

Um wait. He's standing up?

Whoa.

Starbuck

I'm so happy with how much Noah loves camp! And I am a little shocked and dismayed with how Ezra has all gone and growed up since the last posted photos. Even so, they are 2 of the cutest boys my eyes ever did see!

MommyNamedApril

consider yourself indulged. as a mommy of two boys myself, i'm also guilty :-) and i totally get the happy/sad/conflicted. we were happy/sad/conflicted several times before we finally decided to REALLY try for the third. now i'm just plain happy. and bloated.

Katina

The husband and I went to the DC zoo the other day and while we were in the orangutan house area, I noticed there were 2 little boys both wearing jeans, a blue plaid shirt, and suspenders and I thought "wow, their mom went through the effort to make them match. how cute." Then their older brother walked up wearing the same thing and I thought "man, she must really like blue plaid." And then the dad walked up and was like "okay, this is just getting creepy." Then I saw the mom and daughters and it suddenly made sense since they were obviously all old order Mennonite.

Liz

I'm currently in "We'll see what happens" mode for our first and every time I see that negative I get that exact same feeling. "Yay! My life isn't going to change forever quite yet!" and "Aw, but I want a baaaaaaybee..." all at the same time.

Elizabeth_K

We had that shirt for our 3-6 month baby (which he wore at 3-4 weeks, of course), and we called it his Miami kingpin outfit --- so charming, so beachy, so ... drug-lordy. I'm sure YOUR children aren't drug lords so young, like mine ... :)

liz

Must eat them both UP!

Two summers ago, MM got 2nd degree burns on the bottoms of his feet on the asphalt in a parking lot when his flip-flops fell off, so please be careful with the bare tootsies in the summer!

Niki

Noah looks so much more mature in that second picture. Mature, relaxed and just generally happy. Good for him, good for you.

I know about the pee stick thing. My husband had a vasectomy 2 years before he became my husband. I wish I could be in that 1 or 2 percent to get pregnant after a vas. I keep hoping but he doesn't.

Lora

I cannot tell you how happy I am for you and Noah (and the rest of your family) that Noah is thriving at camp. Yay!

Oh, and I didn't get a positive pregnancy test until I was a full week late...maybe you'll need the second one after all?

Rachel

i love the matching too! enjoy it while you can, because pretty soon i bet you won't be able to talk them into it...somewhat off-subject, but little boys in cute little vests are ADORABLE. maybe you'd like to post pics of your two cuties wearing those? :)

Wacky Mommy

re: sticks. i know just what u mean.

the boys are adorable, matchy-matchy. If i saw them at the park i would be cooing at y'all.

Michelle

Oh this happened to us a couple months ago. I was freaked out about having another one and then completely and utterly disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. It made me realize that I do want to have another child soon. And I love LOVE the matchy-matchy outfits. I actually, um, sometimes, try to match my outfits with my daughter's. She's going to hate me when she grows up.

Natballs

haha I remmeber hiding the pregnancy tests to throw away later, like in a public (ew)trash can or something. Just don't forgot about throwing it out; it can be gross to happen upon later.

My first like, FIVE, pregnancy tests said negative.... and I'm due in five weeks.

Margie

I thought I was the only one who had the pregnancy test problem. Even if it started out as an Oh my god, NOOO test, it wound up being a "WAAAHH, no cute baby!!!" test.

I know exactly how you feel about the no cute little bows and tights thing. I have 4 boys, and then just as I was closing up shop, the OHH SHIT stick had 2 lines. It all works out in the end. Except for the bow thing. She rips them off her head EVERY TIME!!!

Margie

Oh yeah, the matching outfit thing? I STILL put my boys in matching outfits and they are 16, 14, and 12. They don't even notice anymore.

Kim

I loved how LPC put it...the fabric of the universe ripping and all. It makes me a little sad to think of not having that feeling again, because at two kiddos, (4 years and 7 months) we're done. Oh, but the magic of that "plus sign moment" has such a pull...
The boys are too cute for words. Ezra must stop growing, though, because it scares me to think that my little guy isn't far behind and Ezra looks way too, well, kid-like.

Shosh

Hi - I'm a first time poster (how geeky is it to even write that!?!), but I've been reading your blog for a while now. I'm SO GLAD that camp is working out for Noah. So happy for you. I have a 10 month old little boy, and I sometimes come in to pick him up after a nap and think, "what the hell? did you just grow two inches?" I totally relate to what you wrote about him waking up two months older :)

Julie B.

There must be something in the air...I had my post all made up in my head and then last night at the theater with my sister, I called over to her in the rest room, thank God I'm not pregnant. I didn't actually buy the test, but I was worried. Of course, my husband told me that if I was pregnant he would KNOW that I was having an affair. I really do want another one, just not so close to my 8 month old. I love the age difference between him and my 4 year old. It has worked well, and I hope to do somewhat similar if there is to be a third.

Jill

Adorable. Now please tell me you won't be dressing them in clothes designed by Jon Gosselin.

Lee

I just went through something not quite the same, but similar the last few days. After a pregnancy that ended 4 months ago, only two months, a pregnancy that I was torn over as well, I thought I might be pregnant again. I finally resigned myself to trekking to the store, purchasing the test, and working up the courage to use it. After a definite "no" I didn't know what to think or how to feel and thanked God or whomever that the house was empty so I could process on my own. Sometimes I think these things would be so much simpler if we could flip a switch and feel one thing or another... rather than "I know it's for the best, BUT..."

Jen Ambrose

Is it just me, or does that pregnancy test feel like a big waste of money after you pee on it and it is negative. Like, no matter what the outcome you want it to be.

I always think, well, there's a waste of $5.00. Had I just, you know, been PATIENT, my period is going to start anyway within the next week.

Also, it never feels good to fail a test, to matter what kind of test.

susu

a-
I almost never comment...and never anything insightful, I assure you:) BUT I do read your blog just about every day (even check on weekends when nobody is paying for my time!)
I have only one comment. (and please take this as the Pennsylvania "he's so cute I could eat him" definition. I totally want to eat that baby:)

jrm

So my depresion meds are going wonky on me but this is the second time I've teared up over pics of happy Noah. Gah!

JenniferB

Noah's dimples and Ezra's cheeks completely did me in.

erinbee

Hooray camp!

Ez looks like a little tough guy with that scowl, but so grown up.


Cat

I'm sorry, you're going to have to stop your youngest from getting ANY DAMN BIGGER. Oh my god. He is handsome, for god's sake. HANDSOME! What happened to the widdle biddy pumpkin doodle facey butt?

Crisanne

Oh how I know your insanity. We have 3 kids. 3 seats in our car. No room for more. Not enough money to feed the ones we have. We had a scare a couple of months ago and it has sent me into a batshit crazy baby mode. WTH?

mpotter

hoping you feel resolved soon.


the pics are adorable!

Sirena

I would dress them in the same clothes too! That's an adorable tiny Cubanesque outfit you chose. Who's the little boy in that last photo, and why are there no photos of little baby Ez? All I saw was two little boys and although I don't know you and your kids, I don't think I"m ready for your teeny one to become a little boy :-( Who is standing!!! up!

Sirena

And, responding to the comments - Jon Gosselin is designing kids' clothes? Oh barf.

jive turkey

I always expected the biggest change in my post-baby life to be my sleep schedule or the impact to my social life or something like that, but no. It sounds painfully cheesy, but what changed the most was my heart. Where there was once room for just one baby, there was suddenly room for another. TWO DAYS after I had my first baby, I was already thinking, "MAN! I've got to do this again!"

Elizabeth

I know the first pictures are Noah, but who is that in the second set of pictures? That can't be Ezra.

I heart the matching outfits.

Stacy

Noah's smile is different, somehow. His face looks more open, maybe the smile is reaching his eyes? I'm not sure what it is, but it's good. Very very good.

Parsing Nonsense

Well, at least now you know you'd be open to another baby in the future. That's a happy thing, yes? Also, I think uteruses around the world have united to conspire and mess with us poor females.

We never spare a thought to our uteruses before wanting kids, and now the silly organs are the center of our universe. How did THAT happen?

Denise

Re: Noah looking 2 months older just overnight. I think I know what it is: confidence.

I experienced this same transformation with my older daughter who had a rough transition into 1st grade. In March it all started to click for her. I could see it in her face, and her body language, and her over-all demeanor.

Noah has always been adorable, but he wears this new look so well... even when he matches his younger brother. :)

Devon

Ez looks so gangster in that last shot. Yo! What you doin' all up in my bidnezzz?

Kathy

Two months? I'd have said three!

And yippee, yay, wahoo for camp!

Kyla

That head/heart thing is a conundrum sometimes. I hope that eventually they line up and you get what you want.

Kristin

I completely and totally identify with the mixed emotions and feeling batshit crazy.

Kate

Went through the same thing this past weekend after being a week late (before my first baby, I was NEVER late). Am not pregnant. Am glad(?) about that because I still have to finish my doctorate and it makes sense to wait for baby #2 and...um, whatever. Babies are like crack: one and you're totally addicted. I guess that's why humans as a species have flourished.

Karen

Go Noah! Ezra, stop growing up so fast.

Could Noah look more like his Mommy? The answer is no. No, he could not. He is gorgeous.

Elizabeth

I am pregnant with #3 (accident, sort of) who happens to be a girl, although I would have been fine with a third boy. And point is, I dress my 5 and 2 year old boys alike sometimes too -- AND the dresses aren't as fun as I thought they'd be... too much pink (and I like pink).

Susan

Oh, Ezra has to stop growing up - Small Fry is only two months younger and he is not allowed to move out of his scrumptious heart-meltingly adorable baby stage (I am currently attempting to thwart the crawling, to no avail).
SO glad Noah is doing well at camp!!

Keri

I'm sure many people have already mentioned this but I just had to say it for myself: Noah is the SPITTING image of you as a little girl! It's soooo amazing how strong the resemblance is! =)

psumommy

I was unpacking my suitcase last night and came across an old pregnancy test. I'm talking 2 years old. Probably older. I don't even remember taking the thing. And I had a pregnancy scare after that; one that was an actual pregnancy and now have another (wonderful, cuddly, sweet, beautiful, chubby, smiley) baby that I can't imagine my life without.

(I'm not helping, am I?)

Della

YAY FOR CAMP! Finally a GOOD REPORT and happiness for Mr. Noah! I'm doing a little dance in my seat here.

And I'm sooooooooo sure we're ready to stop after this one and so we're both going to get fixed once she's out safe and sound... because I'm sure, right? Am I?

(dear lord it's my second but his fourth and even though the two big girls don't live with us this counts as FOUR KIDS don't I know that four kids is plenty?!!!) (it's a good thing he has none of the insanity. he'll probably make me stick to the plan.)

Sue @ My Party of 6

I've been meaning to comment for a long time, but my oldest sounds very much like Noah. We tried so many things with him, but what gave us a completely different child, was an OT gym that sounds very much like this camp. It. changed. our. world. Which was good because the one we were living in was hellish. He was 6 at the time. I wish we had found it sooner.

alayna

I'm Like That too. Until my oldest turned about 7, and he told me, "Please! Not The Match." So, that was the end of that. Once, I even MADE them matching Easter outfits, and even I was a little embarrassed about how they turned out, but I had spent an inordinate amount of time on them, and, by God, they were going to wear them! My husband said, "don't ever do that again." I had to agree. We never speak of it.

Danielle-lee

It made me all warm inside to think that BOTH of you were sorta disappointed/relieved/confused, etc. I mean, seriously, that is so COOL, that both of you might be batshit crazy enough to want another child. :)
I'm the batshit crazy one in this house. My husband is the sane 'let's think about the economy', but omg, 9 months is a LONG ASS TIME, and how much do i have to beg to be impregnanted??? LMAO.

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