FULL DISCLOSURE: I was not paid to do any of these reviews and I paid for all of these books with my own cash money, except for maybe one or two that I received as political campaign hush incentives
Christmas presents from my mom. Also, these are not actually reviews at all, because whatever, like I care about giving you people useful content. I mean, really.
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
Noah (at age 3 months to like, two years): Awesome! Eric Carle's finest work. A tour de force of meter and rhyme and bright colors and OMFG PURPLE CAT AAAHAAAA HAA HAAAAA.
Ezra (like, always, and still): I hate this book. Stop reading me this book.
Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?
Noah: *learns a very important lessons about the inevitable disappointment of sequels*
Panda Bear, Panda Bear, What Do You See?
Amy: "And that's how George Lucas and the Wachowski brothers ruined their franchises. The end. Goodnight, sweetie."
Peek-a-Boo Baby Faces!
Noah: Are you kidding me with this nonsense? Photos of stupid babies with one word of text per page? Honestly, Mother, I'm not sure what's worse: that you paid money for this crap, or that you didn't think of it yourself, thus making a fortune and then using that money to buy me MORE INTERESTING BOOKS.
Ezra: Babies! Hi babies! Yay babies! A tour de force of absolutely nothing happening! Two slobbery thumbs up!
Almost Practically Every Book Sandra Boynton Has Ever Written, And Holy Shit, That's a Lot
Noah: Yeah, I'm a little old for these, but MAN, that Blue Hat, Green Hat one gets me EVERY. TIME.
Amy: *is probably a little overly fond of What's Wrong Little Pookie? than she should be*
Guess How Much I Love You
The Giving Tree
Noah: What happened to the tree? Where'd the tree go? Mommy, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT TREE?
Amy: SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB
Love You Forever
Ezra: I concur.
Amy: You know, this book is kinda creepy, what kind of mother spies on her grown son and...oh...Oh. OH. SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB (breathes) SOB SOB SOB SOB
T-Rex & Friends, aka Some Hand-Me-Down Cloth Busy Book Thing
Noah: It CRINKLES. It MAKES NOISE. It FEELS WEIRD. I HATE IT.
Ezra: *nom nom nom nom delicious busy book nom*
You Can Go To The Potty!
Noah: I liked the part where the boy went to the potty.
Amy: I dunno, but the exclamation point in the title had me thinking this book would be a bit more exciting.
Hands Are Not For Hitting
Amy: Damn skippy.
Make Way For Ducklings
Noah: My favorite book in the entire world, the only one that is remotely acceptable to read before bed, and OMFG DUCKS! LOOK! LOOK! I SEE DUCKS IN A BOOK ABOUT DUCKS WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
Amy: Please let me read you something else Please let me read you something else Please let me read you something else
Jason: *quietly retells the story of a shrewish Mrs. Mallard and her deadbeat husband who abandons the eight ducklings to run off with a slutty swan*
Noah: *totally doesn't notice because OMFG DUCKS DUCKS DUCKS*
The Monster at the End of This Book
Amy: Yay! Something from my childhood that is actually as good as I remember! Take that, stupid ducks.
The Snowy Day, by EZRA Jack Keats, Bitches
Noah: Also yay, although mostly for the page that says: PLOP. Because "PLOP" is apparently the funniest word in the English language.
Amy: This book should be required reading for everybody on earth, just so they'll stop thinking that we 1) made Ezra's name up, 2) gave him a girl's name, or 3) named him after a band that I didn't even think was around anymore, because I guess I suck at fact-checking.
Green Eggs & Ham
Noah: I love this book, I adore this book, I refuse to notice any sort of applicable life lesson from this book.
Amy: Holy crap, does this book ever end? Was this book always this long? My God, it's like if J.K. Rowling wrote The Half-Blood Prince using just 50 words for 800 pages. More, more, Dumbledore said with a roar, just before slamming Snape's hand in the door.
Amy: *totally has a brilliant, not-at-all-copyright-violating idea*
Noah: Pure board book magic.
Ezra: The greatest book I have read in my entire life, and I'm pretty sure I've read AT LEAST four.
Amy: Why is no one concerned about the fucking mouse? Why don't the kittens kill the mouse? And just who is that quiet old lady? Shouldn't somebody put that leftover mush in some Tupperware? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.