How big is the baby

Public Service Announcement

It has been brought to my attention that reader Kari declared yesterday's post "the EXACT OPPOSITE of birth control," and that many, many of you agreed with that assessment.

Did you not read the part about the screaming? The terrible, terrible screaming? That he does in lieu of using anything remotely close to the English language? All the time, for everything and sometimes for no reason at all?

Oh, I see. The photos of the happy, angelically cute baby distracted you from that part. Well then. I'm afraid I'm going to have to break out the big guns. For your sake. For the overpopulated planet's sake. YOU MUST HEAR THE TRUTH.

Why You Should Not Have Babies, Exhibit #342 from amalah on Vimeo.

I think he's saying he would like more cantaloupe. Or maybe more souls. Could really be either.

ANNOYING DISCLAIMER: I gave him more cantaloupe. I did not purposely withhold cantaloupe for the purposes of this video, or sit there eating cantaloupe in front of him like Kate Gosselin.* He was simply expressing his supreme displeasure over my refusal to give him more than one piece of cantaloupe at a time, because if I gave him six pieces of cantaloupe he would shove all six pieces of cantaloupe in his mouth at once and then SCREAM ANYWAY because there wasn't any more cantaloupe on his tray.

*To my knowledge, Kate Gosselin has never eaten cantaloupe in front of Ezra either. 



That was SO funny! The slo mo really capped it. My youngest used to do this and it would unnerve his cousin, who would burst into tears. I taught him to stop by blowing in his mouth when he would open it to start screaming. Stop judging, you people who never had to live with this! Just a quick, hard puff. Totally harmless. Repeat as necessary. It took a while but he finally stopped. Or maybe he just grew out of it and would have eventually stopped anyway.


Oh the hilarity! Love it!

Kami Lewis Levin

My 17 month old and your kid are peas in a pod. My little drama queen would shove a thousand blueberries in his little mouth at once if I allowed him to. And then gag and cry and turn red because he couldn't breathe. And I'd be all, "that's the breaks, kid," as I eat the rest of the blueberries right in front of him.

Tina C.

i think your ez is my 15-month old's twin. mine also likes to scream when he's done eating to get down.

kari Weber

Sorry. Nope. Because the arm-flail-y thing, and the look of TOTAL contempt that you have DARED WITHHOLD THE MELON LADY!!! completely makes him too cute to handle. Want more... have a 4 year old, and a three month old. Might want to take two pills tonight!


Yes, but even so, the deterrent that is screaming < motivation to get more baby thigh rolls into my life.


That was great and the open mouth scream looks like the picture of you on your site.

Hmm. somebody probably pointed that out already.....

die Frau

That did slow me down a bit. And Cindy W, my husband had the same reaction: "What that hell is THAT?" Then we watched it and howled with laughter.


This made my milk let-down. :)


Made me laugh. I needed that. Thanks.

Didn't have desired effect. Made me want one more.


Sorry, that did nothing in terms of making me not want a baby... if anything, because I am not a mom yet and do not have to face the reality of what that must be like, I found it hilarious. :) Your boys are beautiful and your blog is great! Please keep up the good work!


Despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.....


Sorry, that didn't work. But very nice try. Also, entertaining. I still want a million babies.


That's great. Has he done that in a bathroom yet? Like, one of those big echo boxes? That's fun too!


Nope didn't work. Even his screaming is cute, except for the soul-eating scream. That was scary.


think i just pee pee'd my pants. and also, good thing i invested in mirena 5 minutes (er weeks) after number 2 was born, because between ezra and my own behbeh there could be 20 more babies in my womb and i would be the happiest mama on the planet.


and the craziest...


Ezra's screaming freaked both of my dogs the fuck out. Awesome!! My puppy ran over to my laptop and cocked her head side to side and then started wimpering. Next time she pees on the carpet, I'm playing this again.


You are a comedic genius.

For reals, maybe you should start a blog (or four) and write funny stuff so we can laugh?



That is hilarious! And definitely better birth control than the pictures. And, the yelling, made my poor little dog go absolutely bat shit crazy.


I thought it was hilarious and declared that I still wanted an equally cute kid, even if he was screechy.

My husband declared that your child was obviously demon possessed. To which I responded, "But he's awfully cute. How could you not want one? Don't you want a little demon-possessed baby?"


P.S. Still not the birth control it was intended to be. Sorry.


That.was.hysterical. And as for the whole "birth control" thing? Yeah, so didn't work!

My son actually used to do the exact same thing except he would scream so forcefully that it would cause him to projectile vomit all over the table.

Beat that.


Heehee. I used to get mad in restaurants where there was a screamer, and then my niece was born. She used to do the piercing, make-your-ears-ring scream just once, at random times for no reason other than to hear herself I guess, and our table became the one everybody glared at.


It doesn't make me want your children. Thanks, b/c now I know how bad it could be.


hil.ari.i.ous. and oddly reminiscent of myself when deprived of coffee?



My 2YO watched that video with me and seriously said "Scarey, monster baby! Save me!"


P.S. Sorry. But it was funny.


OMG!!!! That is some funny video! Put it on youtube- instant fame!


Long time reader - but first comment, because that is so funny. Thank you. ROFLMAO


ahahahahahhahaa omg that is adorable and hilarious and man, i feel bad for you, but still, FAIL on the birth control. i still want babies. just like ezra who i think might be one of the cutest babies i have ever seen, right up there with noah. god, your kids are gorgeous.


He was all "Beeeeefloooogggggg"


That...was awesome! Enough said.

Haitian American Family of Three

That was AWESOME!


almost woke the baby shrieking in laughter at this. the slow-mo bit was just icing.

people without children: your child WILL go through this stage. YOUR child. YES, it WILL.

at our house thankfully the screaming only lasted about 3-4 weeks before he moved on to something else equally annoying. i forget what exactly, but most recently, we've cycled through uh-oh, NO, and whining. so listen to what amalah says. she is NOT kidding.

but also? sigh! ezra... nom nom nom.


if hemorrhoids can't deter me from wanting kids, this won't either.

that said, this is the funniest thing I have seen in a while. I laughed so hard! he's a sweetheart... loud, but a sweetheart :)


Amy. This is CLASSIC. Thanks for the reminder of why I decided *not* to have them.

But I adore yours, anyway. :)


BWAHAHAHAA!! You are so damn funny!!

geek anachronism

We were never allowed to give my little brother as much food as he requested since he managed to choke on banana once.


I do love the little pause, waiting for a response.


I looked up at your picture on the left while the slow motion baby scream was happening. It's INCREDIBLE how much those images look EXACTLY alike. I'm pretty sure you just like, asexually reproduced or something. I see no other genes, 'cept yours.

(My tiny one is exactly the same with the food. I gave him a few pieces of broccoli and he put all 4 in his mouth, gagged and then took each one out one at a time. sigh. babies.)


haha that was hilarious. My neighbour used to do that when he was about 2 but just because he really enjoyed screaming. He used to like to go outside and scream, always nice on a Saturday morning.


Oh my! A cute screaming baby is not a very good form of birth control, though. If it were, I would never have had my baby girl. My twin boys are like Noah X2 with Ezra's screaming thrown in.

My A is absolutely adorable and the easiest baby EVER. My husband says that if we had her first we would piling on the babies like the Duggers. She turned 12 months last Friday, and now my uterus is itching for another one (in vain). Ezra's screams were only able to take the edge off a little. Because after all, I got real lucky once, who says it couldn't happen again? he he he


Ummm...this still makes me want a baby pretty badly.


Oh my! He's still too cute for words though, even with those ear-drum shattering screams!

Of course, I think they are hilarious, because he's not my son...we'll see if I find it funny if my daughter does that! haha


OMFG. I showed my kids this video and they watched it four times, laughing each time they saw the slow motion part. They now think that a baby screaming in slow motion is the funniest thing they've ever seen.

Ashlie- Mommycosm

That was HILARIOUS!! My kids were giggling.

And? I needed that this week. My ovaries were still glowing after seeing a 2 week old little baby boy when I dropped off my soon-to-be 4 year old boy at summer camp. I was feeling nostalgic. Now, not so much! Thanks.


Although I found it hilarious, my 10 month old daughter was terrified! Which made it funnier, since she was getting mad at the baby on the screen.


Hah.... my one year old looked up from trying to unlock my phone (having mastered the childproof bottles yesterday) and giggled


OMG, that was HILARIOUS. My kids watched it with me, laughing hysterically.

Then KayTar said, "Oh! That baby can do SLOW MOTION!"

Great, now she's going to ask me for a sibling with slow motion capabilities. You're setting the bar pretty high. ;)


I just laughed out loud : )
That's seriously funny video.
If you want to see frustrated baby, try putting a plastic cup on his foot and watch him try to get it off. That's what me and my husband did this morning : ).


that is awesome. we have some serious cases of baby-rage over here too. In 30 second increments it's cute and hilarious, when it's 24/7 it's a little less so. It helps if the baby is as cute as yours or (have to say it!) mine.


Best use of slo-mo video editing skillz EVER. I think that was the sound they used for King Kong. ;)

Katie Kat

Problem is, we don't have to listen to the screaming in real life... all we get is delicious, precious, yummy Ezra-ness! It's like we're internet grandparents who spoil him (and Noah) rotten and then give them back to you when they puke or scream. AWESOME!


I hate to say it but, as far as birth control, that wouldn't do it either. That was still pretty cute.

Loved the slow motion footage, interesting how that so drastically changes the octave of his screaming.


Oh holy hell! That was hilarious! I even brought my six year old, three year old and eleven month old over to watch. Too funny, Ezra boy. (Also, he'd totally fit in here.)

The Mrs.

My second born did this exact same thing. If she saw, or thought she saw, food being prepared or consumed she'd unleash a scream that I though only injured animals could make. The low point was the day she screamed for 5 minutes while we were mixing raw ground beef for burgers.

I only have these words of advice for you: God help you.


That? Did not deter me. The baby face is too adorable to avoid. Honestly, can YOU handle his cuteness? Then how can you expect the rest of us to?!?


Oh my goodness. That TOTALLY made my morning. If only Jakob would scream that cute or funny! (I guess he needs a little more time, and possibly some canteloupe?)


Yes but right next to that video was the LOLZ video and that makes it all worth it again :)

Beyond Alice



Anna A

He is certainly darling but yep, that worked for me. I'll hold off for a few more years. Good luck?!


His scream is nothing in light of the little 18mo old pterodactyl (thank god for spell check for that one!) that we just spent the week with... it can be worse! Some boys just yell...and stuff..


YES!!!! my littlebean does the screaming too. and the "more dammit"
and the "shovel the world into her mouth to the point of choking, so it's one at a time for you ma'am" thing too!

oh, add to that the "i don't chew, i'll just swallow stuff whole thank you very much"

yes. screaming. so very IN right now. tho' i remember feeling amazed b/c she learned to scream like this verrrrry early on.


Holy crap, people say the same thing to me. "oh he's SO angelic", "it's like an angel fell out of the sky", or "he makes me want to have a million of them".

HAHA beotches, he eats lifeforces for snacks when y'all aren't around.


My favorite post so far!


that video is stupendous.

i've often thought of video'ing myself filing down the boys' devil horns everyday, but i don't think social services would approve even though i do it for the benefit of the public.


Oh, my hells! The Donald Sutherland "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" scream at the end was MAGNIFICENT.


Still want one... didn't help.


You are the best!!! And Ezra is freaking adorable, even with the rage-o-meter going full throttle. I thought my 10 month old could scream but I'm afraid the Might Ez has got him beat, at least when cantaloupe is on the line.


Make that, "The MightY Ez." I guess the screaming did mess up my brain circuits momentarily....


Oh. My. Stars. My almost-two-year-old does the SAME thing. For cantalope, even. And he, too, will shove every stinking piece in his mouth at one time. (Which is somewhat amusing when he tries to chew it and can't, because his mouth is too full. Or when he squirts a freaking fountain of juice out onto the tray.)


Simply awesome.

Save this. Break it out when he gets married--bonus points if you work it into some kind of multimedia public-slide-show.

The slow mo made me laugh so hard.


OMG...this was beyond funny, absolutely hilarious.


omg! I just surgery yesterday and am a bit sore today...BUT man that video was totally worth the gut-wrenching laughter that poured from my mouth just then. WOO!! Good stuff! I am really glad that I got to keep my ovaries yesterday...really...really glad!! LMAO!!

Plano Mom

Didn't work, except that instead of having another baby, I'll just wait and bug my kids about having grandbabies... not really, but sure is tempting.


He sounded like Godzilla. And sorry, you didn't prove your point. Still cute!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake

Although hilarious as hell, total effective birth control for me. In fact, I'm going to perform my own hysterectomy right now.

And come Monday when school starts? I'm going to savor the six hours of COMPLETE SILENCE.


All four of my dogs are barking now, as are the neighbor's dogs are barking too. Well done, Ezra! :)


Thanks for making me laugh. I needed that!


Okay so I know its not funny because you actually have to deal with the screaming in person, but I can just walk away from my computer. I found Ezra and his screams adorable.


Not quite clear on the dialect, though. I think this may be Sauron inhabiting his body and waiting for a rebirth. Or Voldemort.

And yeah, Little Miss Kickboxer is starting to pick stuff like this up from one of the kids at daycare. Special. NOT!


HAHAHAHA...I love it. I am going to sneak in my teenage daughters room at about 4am and play it. When she wakes up disillusioned and confused I am going to tell her that if she NEVER wants to hear this scream in the middle of the night she better wait to have children! Birth control in non Lifetime TV form! Love it!!


LOL - LOVED IT. actually that made me want to have babies!!! So funny!


So, I was thinking that in the still frame of that video Ezra's mouth sure looks a whole helluva lot like mini-Amalah's mouth in the banner... ;)


nearly peed myself laughing! even after the initial shriek that scared the bejeezus out of me (dang volume was up all the way), I could still hear my speakers vibrating after I put the noise on "mute" because they just couldn't quite eliminate that scream!


That was unholy. And hilarious.


Ha ha, my 12 month old also does the scream but his has a little more soul eating quality to it, we liken it to the Nazghul in Lord of the Rings. Sometimes we also call it the hunting call of the velociraptor.

Sue @ My Party of 6

I don't know... that little corn kernel stuck to his chest is beyond adorable :-)


Hi, been reading for years, not sure that I've ever actually commented before, but that video was HILARIOUS!!! I don't have any kiddos yet (except 4 legged ones) so I had the same reaction when I read "How big is the baby" because Ezra is just a delicious little one!!! Great follow up post!


This is the funniest thing I've seen in I don't know how long - probably because my 2 1/2 year old can make the same noise! It's even better when it's in stereo because my 3 month old has joined in!


hahahaha...oh too funny! That last bit really did it for me.


Love it! My 1-yr old laughed at the slow mo part and then let out a scream of her own at the end of the video. Yeah. Thanks for that.


I just can't stop giggling! And the canteloupe--choosing between reasons to scream--I can so identify!

Joy @ Mommy Joy

I think my 14 month old daughter is now in love with your son. She saw the video and started slapping at the keyboard for me to play it over and over. I think she recognized the language that Ezra was speaking.


not working, i want me some of that


Okay, I've been reading here for a while but never posted. That is absolutely hilarious. I should share this with every little teenage girl that thinks it's so cute to have their own little baby. And then I'm going to let them watch my daughter two hours after I've fed her pureed plums.


A friend brought her son over for a visit and he did that. Exactly that, but louder, and higher for 3 solid hours and I was all "WTF is wrong with your baby?" and she was all "meh, he just does that for fun." And I thought she was evil. Now I understand. I'll appologize, and send this to her.


Hysterical. I laughed particularly heartily at the footnote :)


Oh my gosh... my computer connection is super slow here, and the video is awesome. Cracking up! You've done it again, Amalah!


Hot Damn, that's funny. I laugh, because I know of what you speak.

Lori L.

OMG that is hysterically funny. Since he's not my child and I'm not there with him :)

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