The Rise & Fall of the Boob Civilization
August 20, 2009
AND THEN, on top of everything else, the baby weaned.
It's been a long time coming. It's been a long time happening. It ended this morning, officially, when I finally realized that it is time to stop trying for that Last Chance Nursing Session, Come On, Really? You're Really Done Here? No, You're Not, Take It. TAAAAKE IT.
Yes, it is time to stop doing that. Better now than in kindergarten, when it just gets hella awkward.
The weaning started with a biting phase. A biting phase that started the day he sprouted fangs teeth and ended, oh, THIS MORNING. The biting was unlike anything the books and websites described, and there was no solution offered that ever worked, other than yank 'em off and glare at him tiredly. (My favorite "solution" that I read about involved wagging your finger and sternly saying "No biting!," which never failed to make the little sociopath crack the hell up.) During the worst of it, I got so sick of being bitten -- and bitten HARD -- and so tired of spending every nursing moment clenched up in anticipation of the biting, with my fingers poised for a rapid de-latching that I started giving him a bottle of formula mid-day, just so I could have a break, relax and uncurl my toes. I tried pumping to replace the feeding but found that after the early months of being a veritable milk machine, I could not produce a single drop via the pump.
One bottle eventually turned into two bottles. His appetite for solids ramped up to a level I could not believe. He was slow-ish to sit up and roll over and crawl but when it came to anything food or eating-related he was an off-the-charts prodigy. Fruits, vegetables, meats, finger foods, real foods, sippy cups. He loved it all, and he wanted more. He ate and ate and ate and nursing slowly became relegated to a comfort-only thing. In the morning, before naps, before bed. Sometimes he'd still demand a bottle afterward. My period came back. My supply plummeted, he bit me and pull away in frustration, he was distracted and twisty and kicked me in the c-section scar and I would lie in bed nursing while he stood up, sticking his butt in the air, as if he hoped to walk off with my boob to someplace more interesting. I knew that if I simply stopped offering, he would not notice.
And yet, I could not, would not wean him. I don't know why. I was talking to some other mothers this weekend -- some still nursing, others who had weaned -- about how I knew Ezra was weaning but I couldn't seem to stop trying to get him to nurse one more time, just a little bit, in hopes that it was just a phase. I told them about the biting and the flailing and I saw the looks on their faces and I finally had one of those moments where a hologram of myself floated out of my body to slap me across the face and say ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF?
And then I went home and tried to nurse him before bed once again.
Perhaps it's because I believed the websites that went on and on about how "highly unusual" it is for a baby to wean before 12 months, and oh, THIS: "when a mother says that her baby self-weaned before a year, there is a chance that she interpreted a normal developmental stage (perhaps combined with her own wishes) as baby's wish to wean." I'll tell you what, this sentence made me vaguely stabby while I was still nursing, and it's not looking any better to me now. You lying liar! You tell lies to make yourself feel better! You lie to cover up your -- gasp! -- OWN WISHES!
My wishes were to nurse for at least a year. At least. Probably longer. Though if you asked me I'd say that I wanted to nurse according to Ezra's wishes, until he didn't want to nurse anymore, within reason. It simply never occurred to me that his wishes could or would be different than mine. Oh, self.
And so I told myself that Ezra wasn't weaning, that the biting was a phase, the distraction was a phase, and all I had to do was hang on for just a little while longer, we could get back to enjoying breastfeeding again. Like we used to. Since I wasn't so sure I enjoyed it now.
I debated leaving him home during BlogHer. To just wean him then and be done with it. But then the thought of coming home and having him turn towards me expectantly and having nothing to give HURT MY SOUL and I packed him up and carted him (and a package of formula) to Chicago.
I debated it again, over our anniversary. And I still couldn't do it and dutifully returned to the hotel room several times a day to pump.
I came home with completely empty breastmilk containers and a baby who did not turn towards me expectantly. I pulled him into our rocking chair and he settled into my arms and sighed and...sucked his thumb. And fell asleep.
That probably should have been it, but I just couldn't...stop. I could occasionally get him to latch for a few minutes and I could hear him swallow and I would think that oh! No! I better stick with it! Just in case! We can do this! We can make it to a year! Two more months, dude. Give me two more months and a nice solid round number and then you can have all the Red Bulls and Coke Zero you want, I swear.
It finally dawned on me a few days ago that Ezra is not just weaning from me. He is weaning from bottles. Also a "highly unusual" thing for a baby under 12 months to do. But he's just not that into them. A few ounces here and there and then he wants to crawl away, leave multiple ounces of liquid money behind to fester in a bottle kicked under the couch. This has possibly unnerved me even more, because kid: I know you have the appetite of a five-year-old and the palate of a 35-year-old, but you still have the nutritional needs of a 10-month-old and YOU NEED YOUR MILKS. Baby cannot live by turkey-sausage-with-kale fettuccine alone! Your...brain! It needs the...DHA and...uh...ARA and whatever!
A few months ago he'd only take a bottle if I wasn't in the house. Now he'll drink formula out of a sippy cup with his meals, and take a bottle only when he's tired. He wants to walk and explore more than anything in the world, and he doesn't want to nurse. He will, if I insist, but I need to stop insisting, to stop waiting for him to make it even MORE CLEAR that he is done, and just accept that he is done.
So. Okay. I will change my Twitter picture and pack away the nursing bras that I haven't worn in ages anyway and the pump that doesn't work for me anymore and I will talk about breastfeeding in the past tense. I am not a nursing mother anymore.
***
When we moved from the city to the suburbs, I was sad. But I didn't miss the three flights of stairs to our condo and the one bathroom and the tiny kitchen and the roaches and the horrible old windows and the street parking and the tickets and the terrible supermarket that never had anything fresh and how you had to drive 20 minutes to get to a gas station that charged less than $5 a gallon.
But the worst moment was at the DMV, when they asked for my DC license back so they could issue me my new one, my non-DC, boring old giant nondescript state one. A state that I felt no connection to, while that DC license was more than an ID. It was an identity. My identity as a city person. In that moment, it didn't matter about all the less-than-awesome things I no longer had to deal with. My life in the city became glorious and idealized, the best years of my life, a time I still look back on and rhapsodize about how perfect it was and how much I miss it.
***
Dear Ezra,
Thank you for 10 of the most perfect, healing, powerful and lovely months I've ever known. I will always cherish them, and you.
Love,
MamawhoissoembarrassingOMG
Good on ya! I'm glad you had an awesome experience. :)
I definitely identify. My girl is almost 10 months old and we've been going through much of the same (she LOVES solids, is way distractable, is biting). I spend all our nursing time bracing myself against the couch in case she bites me. I have been urged from all sides to just QUIT...but I don't know how or if I can. Sigh!! Thanks for the story, at least.
Jessie
"as if he hoped to walk off with my boob to someplace more interesting." Now that's some imagery for ya!
I love the tone of this post. The perfect balance between I wish it was different and I am happy with how it turned out. That's generally my attitude toward any change and it's refreshing to see that reflected in a post about motherhood. Thanks for that.
A little sad and a lot Hilarious!
I sincerely adore you. You are so honest and funny. I'm sorry he is ready to wean off of any- and everything that resembles a nipple, although yay!-he loves solid food and sippy cups! It breaks my heart when they don't want to be a baby anymore, even though they clearly *are*, and then it's too late....sigh.
At seven months I could no longer pump another drop. I had never been a huge success at pumping but suddenly there was not a drop to be found. He didn't completely wean until 12 months but we pretty much skipped the bottles and went straight to the sippy cup.
Job well done. Now have a margarita!
How bittersweet for you! The license comparison is a GREAT one! I felt the same way when the lady at the Alabama DMV took my NYC license and punched holes all over it. Kudos to you for nursing for so long!
Your Ezra and my Kara share a birthday. She does the standing while I'm nursing her too. On my lap. On the couch. On the bed. She's a funny thing.
She's also never met a food she didn't like. Except baby food. No pureed anything, please pass the ribs.
My heart is a teeny bit broken for you because I would be so sad if Kiki stopped nursing. She's my absolutely for sure last baby. I'm so not ready for her to grow up.
I'm so proud of you (for whatever that's worth).
Sorry Ez is growing up on ya so fast. Cooper weaned himself at 7 months, partially because he had the flu and couldn't breath through his nose and was tired. I tried clearing out his nose, but he still refused the boob and instead hollered until he spotted a bottle, which he greedily gulped down. I tried over the next couple days as he recovered from his illness, but he still refused to nurse. Broke my heart, but at least it wasn't the other way around because I think I would've felt worse if I was weaning or needed to wean when he wasn't ready.
Cooper also took to a sippy cup well before a year old. I think he was about 8 months old when he started using the soft Nuby cups. He was refusing bottles at around 10 or 11 months. And while that might seem a little unusual, I don't think it's *highly* unusual, particularly when the baby has a cool older sibling to emulate.
Meanwhile, big back-hugs and cabbage leaves while you transition.
Aww. Dude. I get it. I am nursing my 4 month old, and just last month I realized that breastfeeding had turned from "Eh, whatever, it's cheaper than formula" into "OMG BONDING DON'T EVER STOP AAAAH!" And now that I'm back to work and she's in daycare, I just can't pump enough to avoid supplementing and there are supply issues and convenience issues and IT IS SO TOUGH. So, I get it. Hugs.
I loved this post.
I had such a rocky start to nursing my son but was able to do so until he was 15 months- the last two of which were exactly as you described. He was ready to move on- mama was not (and OUCH BABY FANG BREATH could bite).
My son is 15 months and still nursing but there was a point at about 11 months where I could have stopped offering and he would have stopped nursing but I couldn't do it. It was partly the nutrition aspect but also just me and my sadness if it was over. We held on with A LOT of nudging (pushing) on my part. I think 10 months is wonderful! You did what you said you wanted to do...what is 2 months anyway? By the way, my son was a solid food and sippy cup prodigy too who stopped taking a bottle (at the babysitters) and would have weaned around 11 months had it not been for my pushing so it's not all that uncommon.
Again, congrats on 10 months! That is quite the accomplishment when some people start formula in the hospital just because they don't want to be inconvenienced (I know there are other reasons too). It deserves congratulations!
I am most sad about the change in your Twitter picture. I love that picture.
My son weaned at 10 months and my doctor told me it was okay at than point to give him cows milk. So I did. I'm not telling you to do that, but if formula ins't his thing anymore, maybe ask your doctor about cows milk. It a heck of a lot cheaper and you won't feel nearly as bad about finding it under the couch.
In case you missed it, I love your Twitter picture and will be sad to see it gone.
Okay, so. I'm *thinkthinkthink* 25w5d pregnant, and all I can think about is BREAST FEEDING and OMG BOOBZ (with a dash of CLOTH DIAPERS! thrown in) because I'm... err... not what you'd call "stacked" and it makes me not-a-little-bit-nervous that I won't be able to do this thing. I want what you've had, the Nursing Mother experience. But I'm already sad for what you have now, the Weaned Mother experience.
I'm sorry you're sad. Glad Ez is so awesome, though. (HE'S SO AWESOME!) Thanks for sharing with us.
Awww, what an honest post! It's so interesting to watch you go through this, I'm learning so much from your experiences.
I think Ezra should be thanking you too :)
Big hugs to you Amy, and well done on the 10 months of nursing! But don't feel bad about the pumping - I got lazy about doing it and now at nearly 6 months, even though I am still EBF'ing, I can barely pump an ounce a day. The body makes just enough for the baby and no more. :-( Guess that means when I run out of freezer milk - no more 'girl's night out' for a while!!! Anyway, once again WELL DONE on bf'ing Ezra, and you should be very proud of your amazing, food guzzling, little boy.
Starbuck - Noah switched to cow's milk at 10 months too, with the blessing of our old (awesome, miss him so much) pediatrician. Our new doctor is not so laid back about the eating thing, but hey, I already lied to her about when Ez started eating meats and yogurt/cheese/eggs, so why stop now?
we weaned in much the same way with my 2nd. although, he did do me the the courtesy of waiting until 12mo +1 week. the biting was what finally ended it for me... i was so afraid i would have to walk into the ER, nipple in hand, and have to explain why i just offered the boob one more time...
I ate off the boob till I was two. I was, like, TALKING, when I was weaned.
No more reaching for the remote with your toes!
Crying while I read this.. Oh it breaks my heart. Probably because I think I am going through the same thing right now.. I'm just not ready for formula.. :(
I swear to any and all heavenly beings, our sons are TWINS - though Snackbox is 1 1/2 months younger than Ez, and mercifully fangless. I pumped like crazy at work until about a month ago when my boss got fired and I suddenly got wildy busy. My supply had been diminishing rapidly at that point anyway, so I decided to stop pumping and just nurse am and pm. Oh, it was so hard to go to formula, especially since I had been such a Lactivist when he was born, but he simply will not sit still for the boobies, except first thing in the morning when he's still sleep drunk. Last night he woke up at 1:30 and I cuddled him for a few minutes - he didn't even root for the boob I realized later.
I have to admit, though, that I'm kind of glad he weaned himself sooner rather than the day before kindergarten started... Love the photo!
Amanda - I'm a freaking AA cup. Lopsided too! If you have any specific questions or concerns or just want to compare how many Kleenex you shoved in your bra at prom, shoot me an email.
I wasn't able to breastfeed, but The Boy also was off the bottle by, oh, 10 months. There was too much FOOD to eat. And, I'll be honest, I encouraged it because he was such a big baby, I was getting the stinkeye from people who thought I had a toddler still sucking on a bottle.
There was one pediatrician in our old practice with whom we would just smile and nod whenever she started talking about what Scooter should be eating. It was just easier.
(And re: your tweet on photocopying--I sent 100 pages easily to the evaluation clinic last year. This year--because their grand conclusion last year was "Let's wait another year"--it was only 40 pages since they have the previous stack of evaluations but insisted we re-fill out the 20-page history. If they try to put us off another year, I'm making them plant a tree.)
That picture is priceless!
But maybe you should pencil in there "Ezra DOESN'T like Hooters....cuz he's pretending to be all grown up and shit."
You are so awesome. You double checked he really meant it and you let him tell you he was done. And you BF'd for TEN MONTHS. You totally rock.
Thank you for the clarification on the last post. My heart aches when I read/talk to people who aren't prepared financially because when it comes down to emergencies, you don't have a choice - the money has to be there.
We were very happy-go-lucky, dad at work, mom works from home people until my hubs was laid off. Seven months later he finally found another job (he works in your field, actually). That layoff drained everything, and we haven't recovered a year later. Luckily this was a big contract month for me, and the extra cash is there to cover shit like trees falling (UGH, NATURE).
I would suggest that at the very minimum, you find out what your home insurance and car insurance deductibles are and try to have those aside in a savings account you don't touch. It's not a lot of money, but it would be enough to cover most emergencies and give you peace of mind should a toilet break or there be a car accident, etc.
It's so wonderful that you guys have been able to find something that works for Noah. One of my nearly-three-year-olds in my preschool class has problems yet undiagnosed and today she called me "Miss" for the first time, instead of "Mama." It took two years. It's really the small things when you're desperately grasping for straws, isn't it?
E weaned at 10 months(was also a biter!!) and I had to force him to give up his bottle. Callum - I had to wean at 14 months for my own sanity and he went straight to a cup. To each their own.
And you did an awesome job.
My daughter self-weaned at 9 months, much to my dismay. My supply had already started going down and one day, she latched on, sucked, spit it out and stuck her thumb in her mouth. She is now 19 months old, and still has that thumb in her mouth. I was sad - I wanted to go to at least a year, as well, but it just wasn't to be.
God, I miss those daily Oxytocin hits...
Your posts are always so timely for me. My son is 3 months younger than Ezra so what is current for you is on the horizon for me. Your posts help me to prepare myself! Sadly, I'm thinking of weaning off the boob soon too. I'm not ready yet, but he's starting to refusing the bottle and just chews on the sippy cup. He goes to daycare so has to take a bottle, so while he might not be ready to wean yet either, it's becoming necessary. Luckily I'm able to pump enough - for now - but the pump is such a cold MF-er. It doesn't hold my hand like my sweet baby does.
Oh, Amy, I feel ya. Sort of. I have a 4-month-old baby boy, and he's already getting big and squirmy and distracted when he nurses AND starting to sleep through the night. And, I know this is the beginning of the end of nursing(in several months, not now, I KNOW.)Oh, and it makes me so sad.
But, I like the commenter above who suggests you go have a margarita. Margaritas are fun ; )
You know, there are averages and there is "normal" and there is "highly unusual" and you can read forever about patterns in other people's kids. Then there is the individual baby right there in front of you who doesn't know about any of that. He just knows that he doesn't need that milk stuff any more.
My sister's son weaned at 10 months. He went through a biting phase first. He could pack away more pancakes at breakfast than any adult at the table. They call it child-led weaning for a reason, right?
When people talk to you about averages and "highly unusual", just tell them that you have an outlier.
My kid unceremoniously weaned at nine months. He was done. He was biting, I was yelping and he had just about enough of that thankyouverymuch. I tried to get him back, but it was not to be. I read all of those same lines, "highly unusual" and so on, and cried. Then, I dug my old, cute bras out of storage and realized that they don't fit anymore and cried some more.
I wish I had the perspective then, that you have now.
I still think it is so wonderful that you had such a successful time breastfeeding Ez since it was an experience you had so hoped for! WELL DONE AMY! :) XO
Hey, if you're concerned about DHA and ARA, try Go Fish! by Dr. Sears--I stir half a teaspoon into Little Miss Kickboxer's cereal every morning because I'm all NOM NOM BRAAAAAAAAAINZZZZZ over here. You can get it on the innernets for ca $15 a bottle--much cheaper than formula and lasts longer.
My firstborn weaned herself at 9 months and was also an early sippy cup user. We were even able to easily wean her from bottles at a year. Then my 2nd born came along and he nursed until I had enough at 19 months.
You did a great job Mama.
Haha I don't think you could have found a picture that fitted this post more perfectly.
My two boys both weaned themselves from the boob at right around nine months. They just didn't want to nurse anymore and you can't MAKE a baby nurse when they don't want to. So yeah... not everyone can make it to 12 months.
Sorry about your DC license too! Darn the DMV!
I went into pregnancy thinking that I wanted to breastfeed, but if it didn't work out (flat/inverted nipples) I would be okay with it. Then we had lots of difficulty with BF. He couldn't latch, I have big nips, etc...
We went from BF (failingly), to pumping a lot and supplementing, to pumping a little, to pumping not at all. I have had a hard time admitting that at 3 months my son is no longer getting Bmilk, but he is healthy and growing.
Reading your post helped me remember that we all have goals, but we don't all meet them. Thank you.
My son self-weaned at 10 months, too. I had so hoped to make it to a year, but when he started doing the nursing-while-standing, butt-up-in-the-air thing, I had to admit defeat.
Which is a hard thing, but you did it with grace and humor (at least on the blog).
Now go have a glass of wine--or four.
I love that picture.
I'd just like to know how you came to have a Hooters balloon in your house. ;-)
Perfect photo, beautiful post. Thanks for sharing, and ditto the above...MARGARITAS!
Baby Boy stands up, I thought he was the only one. He also tries to walk off or at least swivel his head away from where I am sitting. It hurts kid, what do I have to do to prove it to ya?!
Ten Months is a fantastic number and its not you weaning him so stand tall and proud!
Oh and me too not a drop when pumping and only one boob seems to give anything!
Right enough about my breasts. I'm going to bed.
I had a very similar experience but it was around the 6-7 month mark. I had so badly wanted to make it to a year (or beyond, who knows) but the pump just didn't work for me and one week with my older child in the hospital and me trying to maintain my supply by pumping just sabotaged everything. And I didn't love BF but some crazy impulse made me keep going and going until I had to face reality.
The drivers license analogy is perfect. I still look back at that time so fondly and am so glad I did it for as long as I did. I just wish I could relive it from time to time.
That photo is awesome :D
On the flip side, he could be like my little brother... He didn't wean until he was 3 and our other brother had started calling him "the booby sucker". Since he could talk, anytime he wanted to feed, public, private, the mall, the DMV, anywhere, he would run at her and yell, "I'm the booby sucker!"
First, OMG the picture. So cute.
Second, I understand. I insisted going the entire 12 months because I was convinced it would be So Traumatic for my daughter. She would need therapy later in life because I weaned too soon. She didn't even notice when I stopped. I, on the other hand, was in need of therapy for a couple days. But now that I can drink caffeine until I get the shakes, I'm OK with it.
Congratulations on ten months! I was devastated when I had to give up attempting to nurse at eight weeks. Despite pumping twelve times a day, taking medications and herbs to increase my supply, and performing voodoo, my milk NEVER came in. For me, it was never about bonding because from the beginning we had to use a pump (lazy suck/low supply/complications from diabetes). I hope it's different with my next child, and I'm glad I held out as long as I did.
Ultimately, I had to quit because it was interfering with bonding, and I had to do what was healthy for me, my child, and my marriage. It took a while for me to be proud of the eight weeks of hell that I was able to give my child breast milk. My son is happy, active, and healthy at five months and thinks formula and rice cereal are the shit even if I still bemoan my merely decorative breasts from time to time!
Well done and cherish those memories!
great. you made me JUST realize that my baby has more than likely been attempting to wean herself as well. she wakes up once or twice a night (STILL! AT 7 MONTHS!) to nurse herself back to sleep, but i'm fairly certain were her bed in her own room and i could *remember* getting her out of her bed instead of sleepwalking her back to my own from across the room she probably wouldn't nurse at all... all night... what a concept. i nursed my son until he was 10 months old and oh my god, THE FAAAANGS THE FAAAAAAAANGS! she's just started getting the same way... NEVER took a bottle, NEVER. eff... do i need to go ask you a question at alpha mom, or what??!?