Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
How big is the baby

Weekend Vignettes

For reasons that I believe can go mostly undocumented, we thought the dog had salmonella on Saturday. We found stray mussel shells from a disastrously ambitious dinner scattered in the yard; puddles of sick scattered pretty much everywhere else. She's actually just fine, but I just wanted to mention it anyway because I had to clean up a LOT of barf. You know. Just in case Ceiba ever reads this website one day. I cleaned up your barf, and I didn't like it. And now you never call! Ingrate.

*They ALL DIED before we could cook them. I set them on a paper towel for ONE MINUTE and every goddamn mussel decided to commit ritualistic suicide rather than face the hot pan of death. I was going to drown you in WINE, you bastards. WINE. We should all be so lucky to die such a death.

***
In other best-left-to-the-imagination news, we have a mouse in our kitchen. And clearly, the most useless-ass pets EVER.

***

Scene: Every Saturday Morning In Our House, Ever

Jason: Anything you want to do today?

Amy: I want to go to Ikea.

Jason: We're not going to Ikea.

Amy: (dramatic flailing)

Fin.

***

You probably know by now that I eat pretty much everything. Food is my hobby, since I don't know how to knit and dislike standing for long periods of time. I'm actually trying to think of something that I won't eat. Wait, okay, I've got it: raw onions, Cool Whip, head cheese. Tongue as long as it still resembles a tongue. I used to not eat rabbit -- because you know, bunnnnnnies! -- until we moved to the suburbs and a goddamn rabbit ate all my flowers and now I will eat the hell out some rabbit. I will eat that rabbit, if my dog ever stops gnawing on diseased mussels long enough to catch the stupid thing. (Hey, here's a recipe!)

Saturday night I ate pork cracklins for the first time -- fancy cracklins, apparently, since they were served on a charcuterie board alongside wee little pickles -- and for the first time in ages I was completely flummoxed by a food item. It was salty, crunchy and aggressively unhealthy -- my top three most favorite adjectives for food -- but OH MY GOD, IT WAS SKIN, RECOGNIZABLE SKIN, THERE WERE VISIBLE HAIR FOLLICLES. I could FEEL the skin-like texture on my tongue, I was Homer Simpson, sampling from the regenerative bacon buffet in the Garden of Eden.*

So instead of eating them, I lined a few up on my arm and asked Jason to get another few orders because the restaurant was chilly and I wanted a cardigan. Jason was all, "give those back, they're delicious."

*If you know what I'm talking about here, congratulations! We can be friends. We'll eat some deep-fried skin and then go get ice cream.

***

On Sunday, we went to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Noah loved everything about it, except for the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese, whom he eyed warily from the table, nervously eating bites of pizza. When the costumed Chuck E. Cheese (who was missing one furry glove for most of the proceedings) showed up, we had to retreat to a safe distance.

Noah: THAT BUNNY NEEDS TO GO AWAY.

Amy: He's a mouse, sweetie.

Noah
: THAT BUNNY MOUSE NEEDS TO GO HOME.

***

As we drove home, Jason and I had a 20-minute unironic conversation about minivans and the many, many attractive features they offer. We're certainly not in the market for a new car or anything, but Jason rode in his coworker's Odyssey and like, maaaaaan, that thing was sweeeeeet. You don't even have to fold the stroller or anything. I remembered the same thing about a friend's minivan in a fit of retroactive lust, shaking my head at my naive young ATTITUDE towards minivans, back when I knew NOTHING about the world and what happens to all your "adequate cargo space" once you have two children.

Amy: I mean, just THINK of all the stuff we could buy at Ikea!

***

We never made it to Ikea. We went to the Big Box Baby Store instead and bought additional baby gates, because our 9-month-old does not have the sense God gave a bunny mouse. While shopping, I was approached TWICE about the Ergo carrier and whether I liked it (yes, oh God, yes), what age I started using it (31) (haaaa, I'm an ass), and then approached again by someone trying to decide between two different floor gyms and which one was better (is it for your baby? no? okay, get whatever one blinks and makes noise.)

Less than an hour after that, we stopped at Whole Foods and a timid young thing in high heels asked me what the difference was between brown eggs and white eggs, and if she hard-boiled the brown ones would they like, be the same? With a white part and a yellow center? She then admitted that this was her first grocery-shopping trip out on her own, and I noticed that her shopping list contained the instruction to "open egg carton and check for broken shells."

Amy: Wow, I must look like, really extra helpful today, or something!

Jason: I think it's more that you just look so much like a mom.

Amy: Do I look like I drive a minivan? Because I don't. Yet. Seriously, the back seats FOLD INTO THE FLOOR, OH MY GOD.

***

We've been pricing up laptops for awhile now -- the Macbook's motherfuckingboard was going to cost a motherfucking fortune to fix, plus it seemed like the water damage was pretty damn catastrophic, and the repair couldn't guarantee that other inside-techie things hadn't shorted out -- and I was resigned to buying a cheaper non-Mac, because. Well. Cheaper. I officially put off the purchase waaaay too long, leading to lost posts and enormous amounts of frustration once the mouse key broke, randomly moving the cursor to different parts of the screen while I typed gaaaaaaaaah kill.

So on Thursday we went to the Big Box Computer Store and I glumly pecked on some keyboards and finally declared one "pretty okay." I knew we could get it cheaper online though, so we didn't buy it.

On Friday -- before any of this other stuff happened, even though Jason probably knew it was a pretty safe bet that I would make stupid jokes out in public, that I would bug him about taking me to Ikea, that I would wander around stores looking like a frumpy, frizzy, minivan-lusting mom -- he came home from work and pulled a brand-new Macbook out of his briefcase. I was stunned.

Jason: You use it every day. It's what you do. It's important. You should have the one you want.

Our anniversary is in a few days. Eleven years. Our life is nothing like the one we thought we'd have once upon a time.

(I still have the one I want.)

Comments

susie

I love the all-over-the-placeness of this. But what about those mussels? I'm confused about that bit.

Brandi

Yay! I get your Simpsons joke! Let's be freinds and get ice cream! And your husband is awesome! Happy Anniversary!

Darra

OMG I love Jason. That was so nice.

Chickenpig

I have a Minivan, and I still have Minivan lust for the kind with stow and go seating. We bought ours gently used and it was the model year right before the miracle that is stow and go. And even though we have a huge mack-daddy van, we still have to fold the stroller. We also have to take the seat that doesn't have a child in it and leave it on the side of our house when we go to Ikea.

Your hubby, unlike my minivan, is a real keeper. Happy Anniversary! May you have many, many more :)

sad

I am crying as I read your last paragraphs. Happy for you but sad that my husband will not do the same for me.

Cara

Hooray for a new Mac! I received one this year (had always been a PC person before) and now I can't live without it.

Also, I *love* Ikea as well and can completely relate to all flailing that accompanies husbands turning down a very necessary trip. (Who are they to say NO to IKEA anyway???)

Congrats to you and Jason. :)

Karen

If I pour water onto my keyboard will Jason buy me a new MacBook? Jealousy seeps from my pores. Way to go Jason!

Kailee

I remember my first shopping trip by myself. I dined on cabbage salads before I realized I didn't actually buy lettuce.

Congrats on your anniversary, Amy!

Jessicawp

Congrats on the new Macbook (and 11 years together). We started the new car talk this week (currently we have a Passat sedan, a MINICOOPER and a 7 month-old) for when we decide on baby #2. We said no minivans, absolutley not, we are young and cool. And then we saw a Honda Odyssey in the neighbor's driveway. It looks like heaven.

Belle

Oh man, Ikea everyday would be fantabulous. As would Jason as a hubby. He's a keeper.

Nel

That would have been me in the grocery store. Not that my mom makes my shopping lists, I'm just a genius like that.

Congrats on the new Mac. Getting a new Mac is basically as good of a feeling as getting a Ferrari. Good job Jason.

Shash

Your weekends sound like my weekends, including the begging for IKEA. ;)

Minvans DEFINITELY store more loot from IKEA. Just sayin'.

I got the one I want too. So glad you did as well. When my Husband got a bonus he bought me my iPhone. Wasn't expecting it, and as he said "You needed it." G-d, I love that man!

So good to meet you in person at BlogHer. Anytime you come to Orlando, you have a set babysitter in me!! :)

Miss Grace

1. I'll take you to IKEA.

2. Right after our deep-fried skin date.

3. Noah and I feel EXACTLY THE SAME about Chuck E. Cheese.

4. Happy Anniversary.

Mary

Dude, that is so sweet. I wish I would get my stupid period because everything is making me tear up. GAH. Happy anniversary Storchs!

MommyAttorney

You must be reading my mind. Or my blog. The former is more likely. We just bought a minivan and I love it, despite what it does to my image.

http://tinyurl.com/mfk668

Laurie

Love food, love wine, love reading your writing on food and wine.

No minivan cravings but when my now almost two-year old (how did that happen) was three months we traded in my hot chick Cabrio for a CRV. If only it was a convertible...

And last weekend my sweet husband got me a MacBook as an early birthday present. Love!

Gail

Did you catch the mouse yet? If not, and you are using traps & you don't mind killing the little f'er, might I suggest the d-CON No View, No Touch trap. They are great, you don't have to see the mouse, there is no patch of fur left on the glue trap to mock your mouse catching skills, and you can just pick up the whole thing with a bag & toss it.

Suzy Voices

WOW, so much good material in one post!

"Head cheese" always makes me giggle. I mean I know what head cheese is, but I always think of another kind of head cheese. Ewwwww.

Pork cracklins - makes me shudder, and then I get goosebumps, which makes me think of skin, and then I get all grossed out again.

And the Mac, wow. That's true love baby. Congrats!!!


Nel

That would have been me in the grocery store. Not that my mom makes my shopping lists, I'm just a genius like that.

Congrats on the new Mac. Getting a new Mac is basically as good of a feeling as getting a Ferrari. Good job Jason.

Daisy

You & Jason and The Boys give me "hope" that my fiance and I can find a happy medium of life/love when we have kids. Sure you have trials & tribulations but at the end of the day y'all seem to have a happy ending.

Diana

That's just about the most romantic thing ever, well maybe not ever, but..really sweet. The MacBook part that is.

lindsayc

Happy Anniversary! I have wanted to try cracklin's for a looong time, I read about them somewhere when I was a kid - maybe in "To Kill a Mocking Bird"? Something southern. But hard to come by in BC....

pnuts mama

jesus, woman, i never comment b/c well, 120 comments daunts me- but, still- the simpsons reference, the frumpy mama of two references, the macbook references, just wanted you to feel as though you are among your people out here.

and this line? "Our life is nothing like the one we thought we'd have once upon a time. (I still have the one I want.)" -sent me off into tears, good tears, and yes, and thank you.

SarahO

Best. Husband. Ever. Happy Anniversary!

Thrift Store Mama

Part of the reason I went back to work was so that we could save up for a mini-van. We've got a Toyota Highlander which is AWESOME for all the stuff (and trips to Costco, which is just up the road from the Ikea that I suspect you go to) but not good for more than 4 people sitting in it since we've got the two carseats.

die Frau

First of all, happy anniversary! The traditional gift for 11 years is steel (Yeah, I know, WTH?), so expect my gift of...um...a pot? an economy sized bag of steel wool? Rivets and bolts? Look for it soon.

Robin Williams once said a small child looks at Mickey Mouse as "a six foot f**king rat", so Noah's definitely not alone.

And way to go on the Macbook! My mom got one because it's so user-friendly, and she still can't use it. I think my sister's absconded with it. Damn.

Danielle

First, cracklins rock. Second, your hubby seems to rock. Third, minivans do appear to rock, and I am glad that I'm not alone with that crazy statement...

PS - please have another event in NoVA so I can come!

:)
D

Amanda

I have two small children and I get what you're saying about the minivan. I told my husband if you buy me one, might as well go ahead and get me a pair of Lee's mom jeans in the same trip. Your blog consistently makes me laugh and cry in the same 5 minutes I am reading. Thank you for that.

Ellen

I'd put "aspic" on your "don't eat" list, too. It's like meat-flavored jell-o.

the new girl

I'm just hoping that you don't eat bunny mice. No matter how scary they are, yo.

marymac

just stopping by to say my blog has a crush on your blog because you effing rock, dude. (bowing in Waynes-World not-worthy style)

Donna P

Wait. You don't knit? I found your site years ago through the knitting web ring. I've been reading your blog for some time now. I've been through lots of parties, jobs, shoes and two pregnancies with you. I thought any day now you'd pull out the knitting and show it to us. Now you say you don't know how?

I've been had.

Happy Anniversary!

Stefanie

Why weren't you at MY Big Box Baby Store? I totally could have used your help. I went to set up a registry for my first, and good lord is that place overwhelming. Even armed with the advice from your column I still only lasted an hour before my head exploded. I would have been the baby store version of that egg woman. I currently have a total of 3 things on my registry.

Beyond Alice

Wow...what an awesome hubby!!!

I just got my very own Macbook yesterday - I am smitten! :)

HMFT

Random shit:

Put peanut butter on your mouse traps. They cannot resist. I peanut buttered a trap after using 12 other baity foodstuffs, turned to walk away, and SNAP. Hells yeah bitches.

CRACKLINNNNNSSSSS. I'm from Louisiana, where we dig a hole in the ground, catch a pig, kill the pig, throw it in the hole, cook it in the hole, then eat its tasty, tasty skin.

Noah is 110% right. Chuck E. Cheese is scary as hell. Have you seen the abomination on TV called "Hip Hop Harry?" Makes Chuck E. look like a bunny.

Me: "Big Box Baby Store? Never heard of it." Big fat DUH over here.

Happy Anniversary! :) :) :)

Dawn

Love, love, love my Honda Odyssey. Actually this is my second Odyssey. It has so many features that are great for families I can't name them all. One little feature I love is when unlocking the van if you push the unlock button 2x and hold it down, it will roll all the windows down. Great for these really hot FL days to let the inital blast of heat out. DVD player is sweet too, as is the sunroof, the storage, well you get the picture.

elsa

mmmmmmmm.....swine....i'm cuban, so its in my dna to looooooooooooooooove some deep fried swine and/or swine skin....have u ever had deep fried pork chunks with some mojo sauce? u haven't lived.....

Kendra

That was terribly sweet! Husbands who understand what's important to you are worth their weight in gold.

I love my Entourage. We have three kids and a FIL who lives with us and doesn't drive anymore. It is the awesomest thing ever.

Mostly I'm just relieved that I'm not the only person who walks up to strangers in stores and asks their advice about: carriers, recipes, play gyms, car seat covers, and potty chairs. Those are the only ones that come to mind at the moment, but I am guilty of asking anyone who looks like they know what they're doing to help me out. So you don't look matronly; you look less confused than the rest of us!

Alicia

Is your anniversary the **EIGHTH**?! Because the 8th was the Saturday (day of weddings) 11 years ago... I know this because this was the exact date *I* got married. 8/8/98. Woohoo! I'm not holding my breath for a new Macbook, though. :) I mean, my husband's great and all, but it'll probably be more like dinner with only HALF our kids. (We have four kids, but we're still not minivan people. Although I've gotten to the point where I'm DESPERATE for one. Never thought I'd be that person 11 years ago.)

samantha jo campen

Okay so the end made me teary.

Courtney D

1. We should totally be friends (for more reasons than the fact that I got your Simpsons reference).
B. If we were friends I would totally go IKEA shopping with you weekly...
B.2: We'd have to drive separately because, Alas, I too am without awesome, magical third-row minivan.
3. You could advise me against yet another GREVBÄCK bookcase and we could compare mussel recipes...

*not at all creepy... right? RIGHT?

Abigail

Posts like this make me want to show up on your doorstep -- bearing fried skin, ice cream, a regenerative pig, or at least a shiny object for Ezra and some obscure brand of deodorant for you -- and beg you to be my friend. Lucky for you, I live in Massachusetts and do not own a minivan in which to drive down the coast so that I can stalk you.

Sandra Davenport

LOL, my husband just gave me a MacBook for our 12th wedding anniversary. We're almost twinkies!

Jill

This is why I puffy heart you! Happy almost anniversary! Unless it's already your anniversary because I'm still catching up from blog posts from BlogHer, so I'm pretty behind. Either way... minivans are awesome. The doors open when you push a button!!

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